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Attention seeking friend


Untamed21

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So I've (28/F) recently moved into a house with a bunch of guys who are good friends of mine, one of them being my boyfriend. And I have this friend (32/F) who has recently gone through a divorce and lives across the street from us. For the most part, she's a lovely person and one to one, we get along great!, and perhaps it is those redeeming qualities that make me see her as someone worth having in my life.

 

Now the issue with this friend happens to be that she loves loves loves attention from men. She's called 'broken and easy' by some of the guys I know. To the point that she has had a one week stand with one of the guys I currently live with and then told him she wasn't interested. Mind you, that doesn't stop her from constantly coming around and flirting with him and leading him down the garden path, just to turn around and say no all over again. Now this, although frustrating to see as the guy I'm talking about is one of the nicest people I have ever known, is none of my business really, so I have kept out of it.

 

My issue is that it doesn't stop her from trying it on with my boyfriend or any of the other guys in the house. With my boyfriend, she's constantly putting her hands on him, or asking him flirtily for things, or wherever I go in the house, where I am chilling with one of the guys, showing up and sort of edging me out of the room. The other day, we had a party in the house and my boyfriend, myself and a bunch of his friends from school were hanging out in his room and relaxing away from the other folks because we were smoking. None of these people other than my boyfriend knows her, but she still came up to the room, and sat down between us and just took over the entire conversation.

 

Now I'm not a competitive person, nor do I crave the attention, but its a bit frustrating when I'm playing a video game or watching a film with one of my housemates, that she comes in, sits in the middle, or literally pushes me off the sofa. Or tries to exclude or make me feel unwelcome when we all go out together as a group to do sporty things.

 

She also has a massive drinking problem and if I point out what she's doing to her says, "Oh thats just what I'm like when I'm drunk and I feel really bad about it." But even sober, she clearly has a problem. She has basically alienated at least two other girls I know because she's got really drunk and tried to kiss their boyfriend and husband. Stuff she says she doesn't remember doing at all because she was so drunk. I was able to forgive her for trying it on my boyfriend before because I try very hard to understand and forgive people their flaws as I know I am very very flawed.

 

Does anyone have any advice here? I honestly don't want to lose a friend but I hate the awkwardness thats going on here. How do I explain to my friend that her behaviour is making me uncomfortable and disrespected in my own home and my personal space? Am I being childish here for feeling insecure and uncomfortable about her behaviour towards my boyfriend?

Edited by Untamed21
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Unless you are frank with her, she will carry on, so stop being your own worst enemy.

 

She is NOT your friend if she starts on your boyfriend or makes you feel unwelcome.

 

Are you waiting until she beds him?

 

Your flaw is your timidity, imho.

Edited by darkmoon
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Unless you are frank with her, she will carry on, so stop being your own worst enemy

 

She is NOT your friend if she starts on your boyfriend

 

He is not telling her to stop. Are you waiting until she beds him?

 

No, he does pull away and move away from her. He even leaves the room sometimes but he's far too introverted and non confrontational and she's very intimidating as a personality.

 

I guess I don't want to hurt her feelings so I haven't been as direct as I should. I did tell her off about this once in the past at a party where she kept putting her hands on him and I told her to stop. She just said "Oh I treat all my friends boyfriends like this." and I said, "Well not mine. Kindly keep your hands off him." I have to admit I had a little dutch courage at that party but it feels like she's started the behaviour up again.

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Everybody has to help themselves, if only to a degree. I can not tell her where to go (hell) for you.

 

Ask your housemates if they like her, ok, then they can play host - or divulge that they do not like her either. And please, do not tell me that you like her, or else again I say, you are your own worst enemy.

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Everybody has to help themselves, if only to a degree. I can not tell her where to go (hell) for you.

 

Ask your housemates if they like her, ok, then they can play host - or divulge that they do not like her either. And please, do not tell me that you like her, or else again I say, you are your own worst enemy.

 

The only person who really really 'likes her' is the boy whose head she's messing around with. Its also the reason she's always at our house.

 

The issue is more that she kind of treats my house as her own, has even asked the housemate she's messing about with if she can stay at ours for a month and he said yes. I've said I am not okay with this at all, because she just waltzes in and our of my boyfriend and my floor whenever she wants, even if it's only the one person who is okay with her.

 

Liking her or not is not the issue. The issue is, even if I dislike her, I won't be able to get rid of her.

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You need to get rid of her. She's trying it with your boyfriend. Competitive or not, why keep a person around who has no boundaries or common social skills and who the guys have already correctly pegged?

 

You need to tell her you don't appreciate her coming over and putting hands all over everyone including your bf and that she is no longer welcome. If any of them want to go over there, they are free to.

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She is 32? Not 22?

 

Sounds like she has a lot of maturing to do. She doesn't seem self aware, doesn't seem like she cares about the consequences of her bad behavior, nor showing a desire to control it.

 

And she has a serious drinking problem. Getting black out drunk and trying to kiss good friend's boyfriend​s?

 

Sorry, not being able to control your alcohol, repeatedly is not an excuse, it's a choice. If she hasn't figured out how to drink responsibly by 32, I don't know that she ever will.

 

Look, I am all for going out, partying, drinking, but I am in my 30's now and know how to behave like a responsible adult. That includes watching how much I drink (as is expected from all of my friends, we are too old to have to babysit!)

 

What good qualities does this alcoholic attention seeking friend bring to your friendship?

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First step is to have a discussion with your boyfriend. It sounds like you moved into the local "party house". This may or may not have been your intention but it is what it is.

 

Next step would be to have a house meeting to describe your concerns to your housemates. Hopefully they share your concerns and you can find a way to work things out so she's not coming around as much. But if your housemates don't agree that she's a problem...sorry to say but there may be nothing left to do except move out.

 

I've lived in these types of environments before where everyone comes over to party often and it was fun at the time but eventually I grew tired of it and wanted my own space.

 

Short answer...work with your housemates and boyfriend to come up with a solution. I don't think your concerns are unreasonable. She sounds like an annoying and obnoxious neighbor/"friend".

 

As far as your feelings about her and your boyfriend...that is a problem with your boyfriend and not her. He needs to assert his own boundaries.

Edited by rester
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First step is to have a discussion with your boyfriend. It sounds like you moved into the local "party house". This may or may not have been your intention but it is what it is.

 

Next step would be to have a house meeting to describe your concerns to your housemates. Hopefully they share your concerns and you can find a way to work things out so she's not coming around as much. But if your housemates don't agree that she's a problem...sorry to say but there may be nothing left to do except move out.

 

I've lived in these types of environments before where everyone comes over to party often and it was fun at the time but eventually I grew tired of it and wanted my own space.

 

Short answer...work with your housemates and boyfriend to come up with a solution. I don't think your concerns are unreasonable. She sounds like an annoying and obnoxious neighbor/"friend".

 

As far as your feelings about her and your boyfriend...that is a problem with your boyfriend and not her. He needs to assert his own boundaries.

 

I wish on some level it was the local party house because then there would be a few people always around acting as a buffer. It's just her, my three housemates and my boyfriend most of the time. And boys rarely seem to mind a pretty girl being easy and very flirtatious so I'm concerned it may just be me. I dont want to be the bitch and upset my housemates but genuinely believe I need to out my foot down. She's been here every day this week, in fact she's even sitting with the boy she's toying with downstairs right now. Your advice is right, I need to get rid of her Asap. Really concerned I'll be left with no friends if I step up and do something about this.

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She is 32? Not 22?

 

Sounds like she has a lot of maturing to do. She doesn't seem self aware, doesn't seem like she cares about the consequences of her bad behavior, nor showing a desire to control it.

 

And she has a serious drinking problem. Getting black out drunk and trying to kiss good friend's boyfriend​s?

 

Sorry, not being able to control your alcohol, repeatedly is not an excuse, it's a choice. If she hasn't figured out how to drink responsibly by 32, I don't know that she ever will.

 

Look, I am all for going out, partying, drinking, but I am in my 30's now and know how to behave like a responsible adult. That includes watching how much I drink (as is expected from all of my friends, we are too old to have to babysit!)

 

What good qualities does this alcoholic attention seeking friend bring to your friendship?

 

What's a little bit more troubling to me is that a 5 years ago I got into a situation where someone sexually assaulted me because I drank too much and had passed out in a room I thought was safe as it was my girl friends room. I have always been careful to drink in moderation since then. And what bothers me is that this girl knows this but it hasn't changed her behaviour at all. It's upsetting to think that someone I consider a friend thinks so little of such a traumatic experience that she continues to drink and act so careless with her own personal safety. I worry about her and walk her back when she's very drunk.

 

Her good qualities include that she's funny, up for a laugh and understands mental illness as she suffers from depression I've also recently been through a lot and she's been a great sounding board to bounce things off as she's been through similar experiences. I guess I also feel sorry for her as she's just been through a divorce and has lost her job and has been able to find another one so am trying to see her behaviour as her acting out.

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Yes, it sounds like she is acting out, and perhaps self medicating.

 

But it's time to pull up her big girl panties. Hanging out and partying like a teenager isn't exactly the lifestyle that lends itself to finding a job. Sounds like she is busy distracting herself from her responsibilities.

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I wish on some level it was the local party house because then there would be a few people always around acting as a buffer. It's just her, my three housemates and my boyfriend most of the time. And boys rarely seem to mind a pretty girl being easy and very flirtatious so I'm concerned it may just be me. I dont want to be the bitch and upset my housemates but genuinely believe I need to out my foot down. She's been here every day this week, in fact she's even sitting with the boy she's toying with downstairs right now. Your advice is right, I need to get rid of her Asap. Really concerned I'll be left with no friends if I step up and do something about this.

 

It might just be you that has a problem with her but there are ways to voice your concerns to the other housemates without being mean about it. Maybe they will be sympathetic. Start with your boyfriend and see what he thinks. The "boy she's toying with" will probably want to keep her around and if she's there every day they may progress to a relationship and you will have to deal with that.

 

Do your housemates and yourself have rules for visitors? In my experience living with multiple roommates means agreeing to basic house rules and also realizing your housemates may have visitors from time to time or even every day, as in your case.

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So a quick update on this, I spoke to my boyfriend and he and I basically decided we were going to stay on our floor and away from her when she came over today. She apparently got a bit upset that we were not socalising with her and playing video games upstairs and left. My other housemates were out too, so I guess it just wasn't good enough for her that there was only one boy to give her attention. They texted us to come downstairs and we said we were busy and thats when she left. I think this may be the way to deal with her. Just ignoring her until she goes away.

 

I don't think she wants a relationship with that boy by the way. I think he's an easy in for her into our home because he clearly likes her more than she likes him.

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I'm glad you have the support of your boyfriend on this.

 

I have a strict no "pop-in" rule and all of my friends and family know this and respect it. You might have to tell her that while you enjoy her company, you would appreciate it if she didn't come over unannounced.

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Do your housemates and yourself have rules for visitors? In my experience living with multiple roommates means agreeing to basic house rules and also realizing your housemates may have visitors from time to time or even every day, as in your case.

 

We haven't actually made or discussed any house rules. I guess everyone just sort of gets on with it really. We clean up after each other, we all pay our bills on time, we cook for each other, its a really happy house other than this one snag. Maybe calling a house meeting specifically about visitors would be the way to go.

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We haven't actually made or discussed any house rules. I guess everyone just sort of gets on with it really. We clean up after each other, we all pay our bills on time, we cook for each other, its a really happy house other than this one snag. Maybe calling a house meeting specifically about visitors would be the way to go.

 

It's always good to understand the expectations of the people you share a home with. Discuss and compromise if you have different views. At some point in the future your other roommates may get girlfriends that start spending a lot of time at the house. It would be good to discuss that before it happens.

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It's always good to understand the expectations of the people you share a home with. Discuss and compromise if you have different views. At some point in the future your other roommates may get girlfriends that start spending a lot of time at the house. It would be good to discuss that before it happens.

 

Absolutely, thats actually excellent advice. Thank you so much for helping me! :)

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