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My friend is acting differently after a petty argument.


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So me and my friend had an argument over something silly, I won't go into the details of the argument as they are irrelevant. This is about the outcome of the argument. I apologised after because it was my fault, I told her I valued her as a friend and hoped we could remain as friends and she agreed that she still wants to be my friend, she said she needed space to calm down, fair enough. I told her I am ready to talk when she is and left her to it.

 

After this I always catch her glancing/staring at me then she quickly looks away when i see her, she even did this before the argument. I've never asked her why she does this as I don't want to make her feel umcomfortable. One other person has caught her doing it as well.

 

A few days later at work (we work together) she randomly said hi to me and then never said anything else, we always sit and face each other at the same table we sit at. At this point I wasn't sure if she was ready to talk yet so I never said anything else.

 

Later on that day we bumped into each other again, this time it was just me and her I asked her how she was, her answer was "fine" (in a weird voice like she was nervous or something) and then just walked away. So confusing haha.

 

Sometimes I think she can be quite nervous around me and usually its always serious conversations with me, but when I see her with others she is different usually having a laugh and joking with people.

 

 

 

 

 

I am a male by the way. Me and friend were close before this happened, I’ve always helped her when she needed it but now she acts as if our friendship never really happened. I can tell she wants to talk to me but I think she is also still mad at me.

 

She has also said in the past that I am like a brother to her.

Edited by Joop89
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salparadise

You can't expect much here if you aren't willing to share the details of what happened. It sounds like she's really hurt by the way you describe her reactions. You say the argument was over something petty, but I have a feeling that she wouldn't describe it as petty. You are also not saying what was said during the argument, only that it was your fault and you apologized. Did you say hurtful things? You're just going to have to be more forthcoming if you want insight from the people here.

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Me and friend were close before this happened, I’ve always helped her when she needed it but now she acts as if our friendship never really happened.
Joop, welcome to LoveShack. Is your friend emotionally immature? If so, what you're describing likely is due to her heavy reliance on "black-white thinking," which is the way young children think all the time. Very immature people cannot tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings (e.g., love and dislike) toward another person. They therefore simplify their thinking by categorizing everyone as "all good" (with me) or "all bad" (against me).

 

There is no gray area in the middle where the other person is perceived as being essentially good but occasionally exhibiting bad behavior. Hence, the flip from perceiving you as "white" to perceiving you as "black" typically occurs as quickly as flipping a switch. This is why they can recategorize someone -- in less than a minute -- from one polar extreme to the other based solely on a minor misunderstanding or imagined offense.

 

Perhaps your friend is this way. If so, her B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing statements like "You ALWAYS..." and "You NEVER...." And, because she would eventually "split black" all her close long-term friends, it is unlikely she would have any long-term friends -- if she very emotionally immature.

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We had a disagreement about dieting and excercising on building muscle or fat loss and what you should be eating while excercising.Like what kind of food should a person be eating while going to the gym.

 

I said she should eat no junk food what so ever while building muscle and she responded with the fact that because she has high metabolism it is fine(she eats chocolate now and again). I said it was double standards as she would always make comments like how its bad for you at me or our other friend if we were eating sweets or crisps.

 

Maybe petty isn't the word I should have used. Because I know how important the excercising and dieting is to her, I've always encouraged her and supported her with it. She said to me a while back she wanted to help me too.

 

But during the argument she said she didn't want to help me anymore, so I said I didn't ask for her help which I didn't mean(heat of the moment).

 

I've apologised twice to her. Like I said she still wants to be friends but I think she is not talking to me just now as like a "punishment".

 

I probibly won't see her for a while anyway, so she has the space she wanted.

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Joop, welcome to LoveShack. Is your friend emotionally immature? If so, what you're describing likely is due to her heavy reliance on "black-white thinking," which is the way young children think all the time. Very immature people cannot tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings (e.g., love and dislike) toward another person. They therefore simplify their thinking by categorizing everyone as "all good" (with me) or "all bad" (against me).

 

There is no gray area in the middle where the other person is perceived as being essentially good but occasionally exhibiting bad behavior. Hence, the flip from perceiving you as "white" to perceiving you as "black" typically occurs as quickly as flipping a switch. This is why they can recategorize someone -- in less than a minute -- from one polar extreme to the other based solely on a minor misunderstanding or imagined offense.

 

Perhaps your friend is this way. If so, her B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing statements like "You ALWAYS..." and "You NEVER...." And, because she would eventually "split black" all her close long-term friends, it is unlikely she would have any long-term friends -- if she very emotionally immature.

 

I would probibly agree to a point with this, there have been times where I have wondered this by the way she acts over certain things. I got over the argument half an hour after it. She has still not moved past it.

 

What do you think the staring means ? i've always wondered, just too afraid to ask her.

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I find that telling someone what they "should" do is generally bad form. It will almost always get up someone's nose.

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Yeah, you're right. Relecting on the argument I should have been more clearer, I was just trying to describe examples of being healthy while excercising, but because I wasn't clear enough it came a across like I was telling her how to eat.

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Yeah, you're right. Relecting on the argument I should have been more clearer, I was just trying to describe examples of being healthy while excercising, but because I wasn't clear enough it came a across like I was telling her how to eat.

 

And it's also important to remember that moderation in life is a good thing.

 

Sure, if she wants to put muscles above all else, she can eat zero junk food - but for the majority of people this would be such a drag. If she only eats chocolate occasionally she wouldn't be doing any harm.

 

Give her more time. She'll most likely get over it soon enough.

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Yeah, hopefully she will. I can tell she still wants to be friends.

 

It's just she is probibly still mad so I will not contact/talk in person to her for a week or so to give her space to calm down.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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We are talking again.

 

One thing I would like advice/thoughts on.

 

She is very outgoing person always laughing and joking with other people/friends, but I have noticed that she never really does this with me. She seems to act more mature/serious with me when we are talking.

 

She was like this even before we fell out.

 

Does that mean anything ?

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Maybe she doesn't find you that fun to be laughing and stuff. If you have romantic ideas about her, you need to give that up. She's already said you're like a brother. There's no coming back from that because that's a strong no on attraction.

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