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[Dilemma with bff]

Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 7th March 2017, 7:36 PM   #1
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[Dilemma with bff]

Hi everyone. I’ll try to spare you all the details and keep this as short as possible. I’m dealing with a situation that I would like to get your opinions on. I have been best friends with a guy for nearly a decade. In 2013 when we went out with some friends, he revealed to me that he was in love with me. I told him that I see us as friends, which he accepted and we have remained friends since. However, sometimes by his actions and his words, I feel that he is still in love with me (e.g. sometime last year he randomly put his whatsapp status as the date in 2013 and the time he told me how he felt about me).

He is a Psychology major, an emotional/ sensitive person, an empath, a deep thinker and enjoys intellectually and emotionally stimulating conversations. I am not as vulnerable and open about my feelings as he is (I have told him this) but within the past year he has told me that he has sensed a change in me and said that the quality of our communication is not the same as it used to be. He has expressed his desire multiple times throughout last year to understand me on a deeper level and for me to be vulnerable, open up to him and express to him when I need him (he feels that I am withdrawing from him and I don’t need him). I have reassured him that our friendship means a lot to me, I don’t readily express a “need” or open up as easily or on the same level as him and also that I feel as though our communication styles and expectations are a bit different.

There have been times when he will ask me if I am ok or ask if I am going through something personal (to which I tell him I'm not, but I don't think he believes me because he said that he just has a feeling something is wrong). In the past he has also deduced from text messages that I sound "annoyed" or "formal" in my texts.

Last week Friday he mentioned to me that he wanted us to talk about something on Saturday. I spent the majority of the day at the beach on Saturday, regaled all the details to him on Sunday and asked him what he had wanted to talk about the day before. He told me that it can wait until later on closer to bedtime when things have quieted down for the day. We watched a show together and texted back and forth that night, but he didn’t bring it up. However, this morning he sent me a message essentially telling me that:

- he wants to talk about ways we can develop interpersonal closeness in terms of the quality of communication in the form of a Pillow Method.
-he has been feeling avoided/pushed away by me when he has suggested ways we can be emotionally close/intimate or learn about my wants and needs and has never known me to be withdrawn about my vulnerability and emotional openness.
- he wants all of me, not just the surface parts everyone sees or knows

Right now, I am starting to feel like my friendship with him is not good enough. His messages to me telling me how he feels about or friendship and what I am or am not doing is starting to stress me out.
From the sounds of it he wants more than a friendship don’t you think?
I apologize if my message sound a bit all over the place, but if you want to know anything more you can ask me.

What do you all think? What should I say to him? I don't want to hurt his feelings or create tension in our friendship.

Last edited by Moderator; 11th March 2017 at 12:48 PM.. Reason: Redact personal information
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Old 7th March 2017, 7:43 PM   #2
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Holy Hanna. He is beyond gone over you.

You need to be honest with him. I mean straight up honest. NO wiggle room. "We are GREAT friends but it will NOT go deeper than that. You need to really know that. This will not change. I don't want to go deeper and honestly I have never had just a friend ask me to do that. Ever. It make me uncomfortable. I do NOT want to hurt you. So I need you to drop any romantic ideas about us. If not we can't be friends because I can see that this is hurting you. You decide."
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Old 7th March 2017, 7:48 PM   #3
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He's not your best friend because best friends don't have romantic feelings. He's a guy who's in love with you and doing his best to get you to fall in love with him.
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Old 7th March 2017, 8:08 PM   #4
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I hate when people make assumptions about what you say, and place expectations on what you do and how you feel. That, would stress me out.
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Old 7th March 2017, 8:26 PM   #5
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His message was cringe worthy not going to lie. If you're not interested in more than friendship then just tell him that, if he can't handle it well it's his problem.
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Old 7th March 2017, 8:32 PM   #6
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I have female friends, I have guy friends, one I have known for 22 years now - we have a lot of history and our close - I have NEVER had a "friend" desire or express a desire to have these deep conversations etc that he is requesting.

He said that he is IN LOVE with you. You know from that moment on, and forever more he will not just be a "friend" right?

He wants to take things to the next level - and you want to keep him in the friend zone - those two things are not compatible.

Have you dated or had a boyfriend since you two have been friends? How did he take that if you have?

How do you think a future boyfriend would feel about you having a "best friend" that is in love with you?

And pillow method? That took me a quick Google (sorry, I got my sociology degree back in the stone ages 02'). It appears to be a method for resolving disagreements. What's the disagreement? He wants to your boyfriend and you don't want him to be?

Last edited by RecentChange; 7th March 2017 at 8:39 PM..
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Old 7th March 2017, 9:37 PM   #7
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I think he's not going to take no for an answer and you need to once again reiterate to him that you are not looking for intimacy with him on any level, just casual friendship. He's pulling some psychology hocus pocus on you trying to make YOU the weird one. Yeah. No.
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Old 7th March 2017, 9:57 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by goldway90 View Post
His message was cringe worthy not going to lie.
Originally Posted by CaliforniaGirl View Post
Holy Hanna. He is beyond gone over you.
Eight years...Eight ****ing years this guy has been fawning over the OP and trying to get in her pants.

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Old 7th March 2017, 10:39 PM   #9
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OP this is a tough lesson that I had to learn after a few times happensing to me. This guy is not your friend. He wants you. He has been waiting all this time. You value the friendship, he is really just waiting for the day you realize you loved him all along.

Except that day doesn't come, and when he realizes this, so will he be. When a man realizes the sex or relationship is never going to happen, he will exit the friendship.

Do yourself and him a favour and end this friendship. It will hurt him to continue but also hurt yourself in the long run when he eventually dumps you as a fiend and you realize he was not a true friend afterall.
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Old 8th March 2017, 1:51 AM   #10
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He's not your friend.
He is in love with you and trying to manipulate you to fall for him.

If it were me I would break this 'friendship'. it's not real at all.
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Old 8th March 2017, 2:36 AM   #11
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After you rejected him, he probably thought he could convince you over time to like him "if you would just get to know him better."

While you just see him as a (close) friend, he seems to think you two have this deep special connection. So when you started to open up more around him, like you would with your female friends, he took that as proof that it was working. He never accepted being in the friendzone.

You will hurt his feelings and the friendship will change, but it's his own fault. He only pretended to be your friend for all these years. You have to be brutally honest and tell him you'll never date him. Otherwise he just won't get it
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Old 8th March 2017, 3:21 AM   #12
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Be prepared to lose him as a "friend". He is preparing himself, you need to do the same.
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Old 8th March 2017, 5:09 AM   #13
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i dotn know if i can help...but i learned something from your post ...i didnt know about the pillow method of communication but i love it.....

i am an empath too ....and i can normally feel another's point of view .....can see the perspective clearly and understand not everyone feels the same or says the same thing ...i am a fan of coming back to common ground avoid confrontation.......avoiding topics that go in circles and hold high passions.......but the pillow method sounds awesome.....

i do feel that this guy loves you he wants to eb closer to you tahn any other....if you dont feel the same way fro him i think you should tell him ...i dont know if a friendship would be fair on either one of an empath......i tell peopel to eb stright up with me....adn i have conversations called the "lets do the honesty thing".......where everything said is blunt and straight forward no holds barred..questions and answers........when i have these conversations soemtimes i get scared.........i wish i didnt say lets do it..........because they freaking hurt me....but.....i know its the only way to do it......soemtimes i need to be hurt to move on...or i keep fighting...and goign and going and trying to figure out how to fix things that cant be fixed...not by me.....i stay in relationships far past overdue.....years..

..i have told guys before if i annoy you just tell me to piss off.......or go away...they look at me horrified...and then i say ...i would rather you do that than think it and resent me....and i the type to apologize when a car runs over my sorry i was in the way...........then guys i date understand.......and im upfront with guys if i feel something..and sometimes ...yep i get it right.....because i know them

he feels you pulling back is he right....or wrong......

as an empath its so part of us to over go deep into words that need to be simple and clear...vibres...body language.....words .....clear cut from the beginning.........sometimes we just need to be told straight up no frills.....i dont know if pillowtalk therapy would be so good for an empath.......theres more words than need be..more chances to analyse and delve deep.....straight up doing the honesty thing goes straight to the point not half a block away from india near the yellow stree4tlight...............thank you for posting though i still think the pillow method is awesome....for different sorts of situations,...........deb
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Old 8th March 2017, 9:18 AM   #14
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Thank you to everyone who responded. I really appreciate it. Last night, while thinking about the whole situation and reading some of your replies, I randomly developed a headache to the point where I had to turn in early for bed. It was so strange for me because I don't get headaches.

I'm realizing now that I have to be honest with him - which is stressing me out because what I say can potentially change our friendship. He is a great friend and I care about him very much, but there is no denying that the lines in our friendship are starting to get a bit muddled.

He can be very passionate/expressive in the way he types, but sometimes his messages to me sounds like something a boyfriend would be sending to his girlfriend.

Anyways, I'll be back later after I come home from work to respond to you all.

Last edited by Moderator; 11th March 2017 at 12:49 PM.. Reason: Redact personal information
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Old 8th March 2017, 11:25 AM   #15
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He is likely blocking you from having a new man in so many ways you don't even know.
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