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Mittens 10th February 2017 4:26 PM

Confided in friend, ended up making nasty comments
So I've had a male gay friend for the last 14 years...met at work, kept in contact after I left...see each other every month or so, talk on phone often.

As relevant background, in all that time, he's had 2 relationships, both lasting less than 6 months. I've been in a relationship (LDR for 8) for the last 9 years. We were talking about sex recently, he was saying he's not had any for 18 months. I admitted that I haven't for the last 5 months...I'm bipolar, been on new medication that lowered my sex drive. My fiance has been very supportive.

Last weekend my fiance was visiting, we had sex...I was happy that that side of life is getting back to normal. Fiance went home on Monday with the beginning of a cold...which I also had by Tuesday. So I haven't talked to my friend all week. Sent him a message today, asking how he was...he replied saying 'he was ****ed' which I replied 'like I was this weekend, lol'

I then got this reply...

' I feel sorry for you. Must be crap when your fiance doesn't wanna touch you for such long periods of time and it becomes an occasion when he does'

I'm absolutely horrifed...what on earth should I say/do now?

preraph 10th February 2017 4:47 PM

Tell him, "I WAS happy about it because hopefully we're getting back to normal, but I'm long past considering sex a special occasion, at least since I was about 16."

Mittens 10th February 2017 4:53 PM

Thanks for that, great reply! But am I wrong for being really upset with his comment?

SpiralOut 11th February 2017 2:56 AM

It was a mean spirited comment, so yeah it makes sense to feel upset. It's not even true that your fiance doesn't want to touch you.

I would probably just ask him to explain what he means by that, that you're not quite sure who he's talking about because it sure isn't you.

preraph 11th February 2017 3:48 PM


Originally Posted by Mittens (Post 7222878)
Thanks for that, great reply! But am I wrong for being really upset with his comment?

It was probably not meant as harshly as it sounded written out. This is why texts and emails can be misunderstood. If he'd said it to you in a totally joking manner and then followed up with something deprecating about his own sex life, then you wouldn't have gotten offended.

I would just say if he's been a great friend and this is the first cutting thing he's said, overlook it. But if he does similar things to insult you occasionally, call him out in public and loudly on them if he does it in public.

mightycpa 11th February 2017 5:41 PM

Or you could have written back,

What's up your @$$ today? Oh, that's right, nothing!

If you have a friend for that long, surely you can take a little bad mood and weather an offense every now and again? It's not all wine and roses all the time is it? What kind of a friendship would that be?

Hopeful714 11th February 2017 5:54 PM

This sounds like jealously on his part. I'd tell him his comment was not correct, as well as off color.

Taramere 11th February 2017 8:13 PM


Originally Posted by Mittens (Post 7222841)
I'm absolutely horrifed...what on earth should I say/do now?

It's such a blatantly bitchy comment that it's hard to see any purpose to it other than to kick of a bit of conflict and drama. I'd resist the temptation to bite back with anything similar. If you're going to respond at all, maybe something along the lines of "you've misconstrued the situation. Sorry you're not feeling well. Get better soon."

And I wouldn't confide in him again about your relationship issues.

Mittens 12th February 2017 10:15 AM

That's to all for the replies...sadly, he's not been that great a friend. He has this annoying habit of making arrangements to meet up, go out etc...and I'll be at the point of waiting for him to arrive...and nothing. No phone call, no text, no 'sorry can't make it'...this happens at least 85% of the time. Last time he did it, I was so annoyed I didn't contact took him 3 weeks to get in touch. Never apologizes. He's lost so many friends over the years, I am now the last one left.

I've had to listen to very explicit details of his sex life for the last 14 years. I'm talking hard core porn type comment is one of the very few I've ever made about my own.

He's also done some very questionable things over the years...He's lied to both his current and previous employer about his mother and father having 'died' to get time off work...he set up a fake company website in my name, put himself down as an employee and then wrote himself a reference in my name - as I was supposedly the managing director of the company - to get his current job. His last employers were so fed up with him they actually gave him a bad reference, told his employers that he was 'unreliable', which he is.

By the time I found out about the above, it was too late. My then husband was livid, told me that I should drop him there and then. But I stupidly didn't...just recently, when he lied to his current employer that his mother had died and was on 2 months unpaid leave, he told me that he wanted to use me as a reference again. Didn't like it when I told him in no uncertain terms not to...

Last weekend, after telling my fiance that he wanted to use me as a reference again, my fiance was saying to me that he didn't know why I was still friends with him...

preraph 12th February 2017 1:17 PM

Well, unless he's really fun when you DO get together so that you're getting something out of it, I'd say let it fade.

Miss Clavel 13th February 2017 3:26 AM

we had a friend like that, he ended up stealing thousands from the company our other friend employed him at. thousands.

the company had him on the security footage since they had noticed things missing for some time. of course they were wondering about how/why my friend gave him not only a decent reference but a job.

he's fired.

he hasn't tried to explain or pay back the money. he has however found himself with not one single person left as a friend.

not only that but everyone went on social media and "called him out".

so be careful. you could be in the position of as we say down here, "holding the bag" and being forced to explain.

get that phony website taken down. pronto. when he calls you railing about what you've "done to him" tell him if he wants to meet for a drink you will explain, then stand him up.

it's over.

in the meantime you are going to have to think back over the course of the friendship and try to remember what you've said to him about your BF or anyone else that will embarrass you to have him repeat. that way, when he does start talking outhisass about you, you will have done damage control ahead of time.

get ready.

good luck

Taramere 13th February 2017 9:22 AM

Yeah, I think there's more to worry about with this particular friend than his bitchy comments. He sounds like an extremely dodgy character.

Mittens 13th February 2017 11:49 AM

Miss Clavel: The website in my name was removed years ago...I check my name - which is extremely distinctive - online very frequently so I know he hasn't put it back up.

We no longer have any mutual friends, mainly because they all got sick of him arranging to meet up and then just 'ghosting'...he was doing it a good decade before the term was invented. I am his only friend.

Taramere: Sadly, you are right. He's done stuff over the last things that any normal sane person would just not do. He's lied repeatedly to his employers, both past and far as his current employer is concerned, both his parents are dead (not true), and he also had a boyfriend die last year (hasn't had a boyfriend since 2012). In the last 18 months he's taken 6 months off due to these lies.

If I was feeling malicious, all it would take is one phone call and not only would he be sacked for gross misconduct, he'd also be looking at fraud charges, and having to pay back his salary for the last 4 years.

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