Country_Girl Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Not sure where to post this... in friends or dating.... I want to date but I have been closed off the last few months, the last guy I dated had borderline personality disorder and I was living in a literal hell. I put up with it because I was feeding my own insecurities and dismissed his actions (made excuses for him). No worries about me going back to him as there is a court mandated restraining order, but even without that in place I would not want to relive that. Not only did he abuse me- but he abused my cat and dog, but I never called the cops on him because when he got angry it scared me too much. So I'm thankful for the neighbor that heard the commotion, called the cops and ended the abuse cycle. Now I am in a good place. Life hasn't been great up until this point, but now I find out I am going to inherit a few million in a month. No joke. Most would think no worries would come with that...but I am worried. I've always been told I am niaeve. I don't think of myself that way, I just naturally give people the benefit of the doubt, if they prove otherwise so be it. But I'm ashamed to say I give people too many chances. They say 3 times a charm, but on average I give people 5+ chances. I shouldn't be worried about this, but I am. I was too trusting before, then I got jaded by the ex- and that was 11 months ago (we were only together 8 months). I don't want to get used again, or abused for that matter. I just feel like anyone entering the picture at this point would only want to be with me for the money. I know I am pretty but I'm still working on self confidence that the ex destroyed. I don't want to tell any of my friends or a new partner about inheriting this money, but if I don't say anything does that make me a liar? I realize a lot of my insecurities stem from my previous relationship- he often told me if I omit something then that makes me a liar. But surely I don't have to tell someone this right? Link to post Share on other sites
TheWoman Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 You do not have to tell anyone anything about your finances, unless they are entwined i.e you are married. Given you insecurities and that you are recovering from an abusive relationship, you have every right to be super protective of yourself. What you need is trusted advice, both financial and emotional. A good private wealth adviser will help you to invest your inheritance and protect it while providing you with whatever income you need. A good counselor/therapist will help you with your confidence and establishing healthy boundaries in your relationship. I believe you need both before you make any further decisions in your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Country_Girl Posted January 22, 2017 Author Share Posted January 22, 2017 You do not have to tell anyone anything about your finances, unless they are entwined i.e you are married. Given you insecurities and that you are recovering from an abusive relationship, you have every right to be super protective of yourself. What you need is trusted advice, both financial and emotional. A good private wealth adviser will help you to invest your inheritance and protect it while providing you with whatever income you need. A good counselor/therapist will help you with your confidence and establishing healthy boundaries in your relationship. I believe you need both before you make any further decisions in your life. Thank you, I have not met with a financial advisor yet, but I have an appointment 2 weeks from now. I have been meeting a counselor once a week for the last month reguarding the previous abuse. It's been rather enlightening, he thinks I am suffering from PTSD (I was abused physically, mentally, and raped). It just sucks because I am only 35 and I don't know how to go on, I feel like I can't trust anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
TheWoman Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Its probably fair to assume you cannot trust anyone right now. Not because people are not trustworthy, most people are good and trustworthy. However it sounds like you do not trust yourself to make good choices about other people. That is all ok, give yourself time to heal, time to grow and feel strong and confident again. Abuse, rape, ptsd - these are heavy and difficult things to overcome. But you will. Enjoy this 'me-time' to focus on yourself. Think about what you would like to experience or do, travel, education etc and go for it. Having money makes this all possible. Do not tell anyone about the inheritance, money can attract predators and you are not in the emotional position to deal with this right now. Good luck, stay safe Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Your inheritance is a private thing to you, you don't tell a soul about your money. You find a good Financial Consultant you feel you can trust and you listen to them... making sure you are protecting what someone gave you. How much money you have should never enter a conversation.. and if it does then run from that person. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 oh... and don't take financial advice from friends or family...and don't use an advisor that is close to anybody you know, take recommendations but be weary of people looking to help you unless you reach out to them first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Country_Girl Posted January 22, 2017 Author Share Posted January 22, 2017 Its probably fair to assume you cannot trust anyone right now. Not because people are not trustworthy, most people are good and trustworthy. However it sounds like you do not trust yourself to make good choices about other people. That is all ok, give yourself time to heal, time to grow and feel strong and confident again. Abuse, rape, ptsd - these are heavy and difficult things to overcome. But you will. Enjoy this 'me-time' to focus on yourself. Think about what you would like to experience or do, travel, education etc and go for it. Having money makes this all possible. Do not tell anyone about the inheritance, money can attract predators and you are not in the emotional position to deal with this right now. Good luck, stay safe That is very accurate, I absolutely do not trust myself in forming friendships or relationships - due to being wrong in the past. And it's not like red flags weren't present, but I guess once I form a bond I do anything to maintain it, which includes not maintaining boundaries of what I deem to be acceptable or unacceptable behavior. This is more helpful than you know. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Absolutely do NOT tell ANYONE that you inherited money. Even a best friend may tell a guy in your circle, who may be a golddigger and end up pursuing you. If you don't tell anyone, then you have nothing to worry about. This is NO one's business until after you are engaged to be married. Even if you are seen spending, they may assume you make a lot of money at work (don't tell them) or that you're up to your ears in debt. And now that you've told Loveshack, don't date anyone you meet through here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TennisGal Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Chiming in late on this, but a few pieces of advice: (1) Consider having an attorney create a revocable living trust and putting your financial accounts in the trust, as well as any home you buy, etc. (2) Do not consider getting married without a written agreement that the trust contents and any earnings/appreciation of trust property is entirely your separate property. (3) Beware of financial advisors who want a percentage of your money to manage it for you or get a commission for steering you to particular financial products; a fee-for service advisor has a fiduciary responsibility to you. As others already said, your finances are your business and nobody else's. Sure, friends will notice if you buy a high-end house or condo and a new car, but you don't owe anybody an explanation. "I prefer not to discuss my finances" is sufficient. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 That is very accurate, I absolutely do not trust myself in forming friendships or relationships - due to being wrong in the past. And it's not like red flags weren't present, but I guess once I form a bond I do anything to maintain it, which includes not maintaining boundaries It might be helpful to ask your counselor to work with you to make your present view more accurate -- as you've written it, what is presently doubtful or in question is your willingness and/or ability to properly guard your boundaries...this is separate from your self-trust, and ability to form relationships and friendships and to recognize the 'good' ones from the 'bad' ones. If this makes sense? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 Don't tell anyone about it. I mean, my friend would never have taken advantage, but bad friends and relatives will. And new people, including people you date. Here is what I advise. There's not any really great investments these days but one way to keep others from thinking you should just be able to write them a check is to keep the vast majority of your money locked up in an investment that requires you to leave it in for a long time. So in other words, don't leave a bunch of cash in the bank. Do government insured (FDIC) investments and sock it away not all in one heap but divided between some banks in case one fails, money is accessible at another. Be careful about taking the word of any investor since you don't know enough about it to call them on some BS, because they make money on transactions and not just if your money makes money. Since you're going to have some money, you need to find a good attorney, but don't let him drag you into any schemes you don't understand either. Just pay him to advise you in general about any taxes (there will be some hefty ones probably) and also how to guard yourself against predators like your ex. If a restraining order is ever required, he can help you with that too. And your will and everything. Good luck. Just keep it quiet and if someone gets a whiff, just downplay it. Do not ever tell anyone the amount or lie and tell them Oh a couple thousand, and don't ever tell anyone "I have my money tied up in 5-year cds," because then they know when to come a knockin. Real estate is still one of the best investments, but go use common sense and find it yourself. Again, don't put yourself at the mercy of some swamp land salesperson. An attorney can advise you on that too. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 I don't want to tell any of my friends or a new partner about inheriting this money, but if I don't say anything does that make me a liar? Your net worth is between you, your financial advisors & the IRS. Nobody else is entitled to know until YOUR last will & testament is probated. No you are not a liar for not announcing your windfall to anybody else. Anybody who asks is a horrible, nosy person. Get them out of your life immediately. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 It's NO ONE'S business but your own. You don't have to say anything to anybody. This is your life and you're not obligated to inform personal business or personal things in your life to your friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Tribble Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 Don't let anything your ex said to you take up head space. He did a number on you and he's just awful. Omitting some things is lying, this is not. You have no obligation to tell anyone about how much money you have. The only thing pertinent to any relationship is if they start to affect the other person negatively. For example, if a relationship gets serious, I think significant debt should be disclosed. This is a financial matter but it has the potential to affect the relationship very negatively if things got any further. Like someone else said, think about what you want to do and take professional advise. Protect your assets, invest wisely and live your life. Don't lie about the money but don't offer the information either. No-one should know how much money you have unless you are entwining your finances i.e. marriage, because it is none of their business. I understand your worry. I'd be like that too. But think of this for what it is - a blessing, an opportunity. Manage your money wisely, don't flitter it away and you'll be able to do some amazing things! Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 You can trust me Joke aside, you don't have to tell anyone. It's no ones business. Link to post Share on other sites
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