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He says I dont deserve friends


Shaina123

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Hello Everyone,

I will straight away start my story. I joined this college in 2015 for my postgraduation. We were 3 in one batch. This male friend(?) of mine is my senior from 2014 batch. Initially we didnt talk much. Last year in march we started talking and within 2 months we became very close friends.We would stick around each other during the college and hang out after college.It was a routine that we used to talk till 3 am in the morning on phone.

 

One day he said that a guy and a girl cannot remain just friends and he is afraid that something will happen between us since he wanted to kiss me in the college and he doesnt want that since he is married …and we should distance ourselves…we tried but both of us couldnt and then we got physically intimate.We became from friends to best friends to more than friends…these were his words. I was confused of my feelings.But then we decided to stop all this and just remain friends.

 

Then came a turning point he had a fight with his 3 friends from his batch ( they are 4 in 2014 batch 3 girls and 1 guy thats him) and stopped talking to them and then slowly he started distancing himself from me…i couldnt understand why..we had fights..and then i went for a vacation to my hometown.It was 2 or 3 days before my vacations were over when he messaged me that he is having panic attacks. I do meditation(for my anger)so I told him that he should also start doing it .

 

After coming back I told him to go to his wife and family in his hometown. He went for 2 weeks and was improving with meditation but then the night before when he was supposed to comeback his condition worsened & he extended his stay..this happened 2-3 times and he would extend his stay.Everyday 24 hours I used to think about him..worrying and since he was at home he contacted me less…then one day i became so anxious and angry that I called him and his wife answered the call and I said the worst thing I could “Where is he? ..why are you not sending him back?…you know that hospital facilities are better here…he is also missing his college…I want to talk to him give him the phone.” Of course she didnt and after the call they had fight as she was asking who am I to tell her to send her husband….and she was right. Next day I apologized for my behaviour. He said that he has forgiven me and asked me for a help to talk in the office regarding his extensions. When he came back he sorted out the fight he had with his batch mates and started ignoring me. I tried to talk to him but all in vain.

 

Finally after crying and begging for a month I also decided to ignore him. After about a week he came to me to talk and we started talking again.Everything was slowly being back to normal when one day a message popped in his phone and as i was sitting next to him I read it. It said “I love you too”…and it was not from his wife. When I asked him he said that she is his ex-girlfriend and that she is the only one he loves and will forever love. His father was against their marriage thats why he married where his father wanted him to. But he cannot forget her and they are still in contact even though she is also married. This shocked me. He said he didnt tell me cause people start judging and he did not want me to break the friendship. But I was so shocked I didnt know how to respond.I said this is wrong. But he said its his personal life …I shouldnt be interfering..I am a friend and I should know my limits.

 

For next few days he was behaving mean to me and I also felt irritated. But then everything again slowly started improving. He was very helpful and caring…but I dont know something irritated me… I started picking up fights over small things…And since he has anxiety problem whenever we used to fight he couldnt sleep at night and this made him angry…and he said that he doesnt want this friendship any more..I apologised …promised not to do it again but I again repeated the same thing…we fought again and again…and our fights were really abusive and he warned me in dec that if I pick up fight with him again he will destroy me. Everything was going fine and I did it again on 7th jan irritated him over stupid thing and we fought.He slapped me in my face 3 times. said I dont deserve friends….blocked me from facebook and whatsapp…not talking in the college…I know I have no right to apologize and i should just give up.

 

I dont know why I am doing this….I never opened to anyone like I did to him..he was the first ever person I got emotionally attached to…but why I didnt try to understand him…even though he has this anxiety problem…why I couldnt for once controlled my anger…I guess I am a horrible person.Now he acts like a complete stranger.What worse is he his last words that he said that I have not even a single positive thing about me. And that he regrets that he was ever friends with me.what should I do now?....:(:(

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs ~6
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It takes two people to fight. Don't blame yourself for not controlling your anger. He didn't control his either. He slapped you!!

 

Forget about him, and try not to take what he said to heart. You deserve better friends than him.

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Get this horrible, toxic, abusive, violent, cheating man out of your life. NOW.

you are right....I should..though its very painful and I dont know why it is...why I am being like this....:(

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It takes two people to fight. Don't blame yourself for not controlling your anger. He didn't control his either. He slapped you!!

 

Forget about him, and try not to take what he said to heart. You deserve better friends than him.

 

Thanku...I really wanted to hear this...as the other three from his batch they favour him may be because they have been his friends before me.Whenever he fought with me he would compare me with them that those are much better friends.I started believing it. I lost all confidence in myself.

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NEVER surround yourself with people who make you feel bad. Those aren't friends, they are bullies and toxic people.

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You should do now what you should have done long ago: Block him and end all contact. He's married and in love with another person. You've helped ruin his marriage. What this tells me is neither one of you even know what love is. He hit you and that alone is reason to never speak to him again. He's fickle and loves no one and is just toxic.

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I am ignoring him...trying to erase him from my life...but he always say things that then start botherig me....he approached me yesterday and asked why I am not talking and when I ignored him he said he is sorry and just wants me to be happy and the next very moment in a PG study discussion he acted mean to me....I dont understand ...Is he trying to play with my mind.....

As for cheating point I think I should add this..He told me that his ex-GF's mother in law mistreats her and he is the only one she can talk to and that he knows his responsibility as a husband and tries to be a good one....he will stop contacting his ex when he goes back to his hometown after completing PG....

As for me he says he felt attracted towrds me and when a guy and a girl are alone in a room the hormones overpowers the will...but he do care for me as a friend...this is what he said

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Well, he just sounds like a bit of a train wreck really - and no doubt anybody who gets too close to him will become the same way. Including you, I'm afraid.

 

I can remember now and again encountering guys a bit like this in my teens and early twenties. That whole "the world's against me...I only allow a few special people in, and you're not one of them because you haven't gone through the school of hard knocks in the way that I have" bullsh*t. If I'd had a different set of friends, I might have got sucked in a bit - but thankfully most of my friends were very sensible, quite tough minded people who didn't have much sympathy for that sort of person.

 

Do you have other friends, or is this guy the main event for you? Because if it's the latter, then this should be a wake up call. He's a married man who tells you that an ex girlfriend is the only person he really loves - and that you don't deserve friends. And he's hit you. He's not a friend, he's an enemy who you've allowed to get too close to you. And a dysfunctional sounding one at that.

 

If his ex is in an unhappy and dysfunctional situation right now, then he probably thinks that makes her an amazing soulmate on his level. That's how people like him function. Not much good can come of getting close to them. And you needn't wait around for him to start behaving like a decent person. He could probably go through five grand's worth of therapy and still be a mess...and meanwhile, if you carry on being close friends with him, you'll be standing by no doubt feeling blameworthy for it all.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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I wanted to give you some time before responding. .. why do you think he ever just wanted to be your friend?

 

 

Because he is married, and later when I found out about his ex he told me that he loves only her...and will always....she is the only one who brings smile on his face

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Because he is married,

 

right there is your answer.

 

respect the institution of marriage . it doesn't come with "extras".

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