We have broke up and became friends again far too many times (LONG)

[AlexisJade]

When I said this was long, I was not kidding. But if you could help me and give me advice, then thank you. The names have been made fictional to keep privacy.

 

Pannie and I were really good friends. She and I were both very innocent at the time of us first becoming friends. I had know a friend for a while and it was summer time when her and I went out around town. We were quite close at the time and I felt like introducing her to some of my other friends. We went around town all day, it was a hot summer day. I remember us going down the back street where I saw my friend Lipper mowing someone’s lawn. I was whispering to her about him, how I thought he was cute and how I met him on the bus because of my brother. We started talking and that was when Pannie first met him.

 

I’m not necessarily saying that I regret it, but I am saying that is when it began. I still liked Lipper at the time and Pannie was interested in my brother. Things soon flipped around and Pannie no longer liked my brother. Her and Lipper started dating soon after. For the most part I was happy for them. I loved Pannie like my sister and I never realized how much time had gone by. Her and Lipper were dating for a long time. Honestly, that is what sparked my jealousy.

 

Now, I’m not blaming nor and I accusing when I say this but it is a possibility that Pannie introduced me to Viper (one of my ex’s) so she could say she helped me. Maybe in her head it was a thank you for introducing me to her long time boyfriend (Lipper). Long story short Viper and I did not last. Which did not surprise me. I am tough when it comes to relationships, which left me vulnerable for Panniel to point my mistakes out when we had a our fights.

 

I was always feeling down in the dumps and sad that I didn’t feel appreciated. Pannie did many things that hurt my feelings, whether it be she was jealous of me or what. We were both, as far as my knowledge, jealous of each other quite a lot. Pannie and I for the most part were innocent. We were sweet, and I remember how sweet she used to be. Maybe being around me has rubbed off on her being manipulative and evil. We both are now, but only to each other.

 

I felt like things were always aimed towards me. If she did something that upset me, I would turn to telling other people or posting and throwing shade at her. I think I taught her that myself, though. Because soon enough, she was also doing it back. It made me mad even more. In the long run, I should not have done that. I think both of us grew up on each other and learned how to hurt. She knew my weaknesses and strengths and I knew hers.

 

Boys came and went with me and she was still with Lipper. A while before that we were both talking to some irish boys and that is when things got sticky. She continued to talk to the boy. She told me all the time about him, her feelings for him. I was okay with it, because when your friend is doing something, you love and support them, even if you don’t think it is right. I let my irish boy go because I was going through a rough patch in my life.

 

After that, boys came and went. I dated someone shortly after also named Lipper. He, in my eyes was so cute. He was literally everything I wanted. It almost felt like a dream. He cheated on me, though. All the while Pannie was still with her Lipper. I thought nothing of that. I was at a time where I was being hurt by boys over and over. I did not know what to do. I turned to Panniel all the time, where in between we had fights.

 

The thing was, I would get mad at her for god knows what, then I would not communicate my anger to her. I would allow the anger to build and build then I would EXPLODE the anger out into a long paragraph explaining everything to her and being so mean. We both did that back and forth. I would explode, block her, unblock her, become friends again.

 

Every single time though, there was a story. A story in which she told me in order to make me feel like a complete *******. One example being “Miscarriage.” Which I found out shortly after was false. I was always persuaded into coming back and becoming friends with her again. Always swayed into believing the false stories. Then along came Eenie. Angel and I had stopped being friends a while after Eenie and I broke up for good.

 

She was happy for me for a while, and even though she heard rumors, she told me, and if I didn’t believe it, she wouldn’t keep trying. I got mad at her shortly after during Semi Formal. However, I was always upset that she got to go to every single Semi Formal and every single Prom each time with a new dress. I was upset, really upset.

 

Because every time I wouldn’t be able to make it, either because I wasn’t going to spend money on a dress I would wear one time, and two because the time I did go, she ditched me for Lipper the whole time. Yeah, I understood she wanted to spend time with him, but after all the times I talked to her about her ditching me, she said that this Semi Formal she would be hanging out with me. So many times we would fight over the same things.

 

There were times I was so mad at her and I would stop being her friend. Now things have changed for good. I miss those memories, the good ones. Where her and I could just go hang out at the mall and try on dresses together. Or go to each others house and just walk around town.

 

But time has changed both of us. And we continue to fight over the same old things. I would get so jealous of her, and I dont even know what for. We would always hop right back into friendship without any sort of slowness. Things just took a turn for the worst.

 

I will paste below some of the messages she has sent me. (keep in mind I have had depression before, and with medication, it doesnt just go away for good)

 

Annie....before you think this is a message of me crawling back to you..it's not. It might kind of sound like it but this isn't me making excuses to be friends again. This is me apologizing. You have no idea how much I've hated the last fight we had and I was to stubborn and selfish to see I was the problem. Yes I didn't like being with you and Mannie all the time but that wasn't entirely the reason I didn't see you. Ya know I've been scared to tell you...honestly terrified cause I didn't know if you'd care or believe me. And I know now you most definitely won't but this is gonna be my attempt to explain the real reason I've been a bitch.

 

Idk if you're gonna read this and if you do I'm thankful even if you don't care. So for around the last couple months and starting around the second month of summer I had started to just feel sad...I didn't know what it was but I never felt the desire to do anything. I would sleep in till 2 or 3 and lay in bed over half the day. When I went to Lipper's house id do the same thing, just lay in bed and be sad.

 

Over time I kept getting more and more sad. I didn't know why I was feeling this way. I started having no desire to be with anybody. That's when I started pushing people away. I started treating everyone like a bitch and blaming everyone but myself. After I had lost you it got worse. I would randomly cry at least 20 to 30 times a day for no reason and after I was completely fine until I felt sad again.

 

And now I'm to the point where I'm constantly sad and feel like I'm drowning..I woke up and read your message and cried for 20 minutes straight and I don't even know why. Finally I asked my mom to see a doctor and I've officially been diagnosed as having Major Depression. The doctors said that since it runs in my family and from the loss of people close to me that it triggered it to get worse.

 

I'm seeing a psychiatrist for now and it's kind of helping but I'm getting moved to taking anti depressant pills. Annie I'm sorry. Instead of telling anybody I kept it bottled up and I've been struggling so much and instead I turned into a bitch and instead of cherishing the ones I loved... I pushed them all away. I AM SO SORRY. Now that I'm getting help and can finally see clearly..I know I was pretty much the entire problem... I would do anything to have you forgive me but I know you do not want me in your life and I'm fine with that because it's what you want. Annie I feel 24/7 constantly sad...no matter what I do I'm always sad and feel such a heavy weight...I should have told you but I'm embarrassed....this isn't me making excuses...I'm honestly pouring out my heart for the first time in a long time and I'm telling you this cause believe it or not I trust you. I was the problem and I hate I did this to you and to us.

 

Cause it's sad when somebody at *Random School* asked if I had a best friend I instantly thought of you but then get more sad knowing I don't have you anymore cause I ****ed it up by being childish and hiding what I was feeling from everyone...I literally lost everyone..I didn't just do this to you. I was so unstable when we became friends again that I couldn't help fix us and I know if I would have done work we could have fixed it but I was blind...I'm so sorry. I'm not lying about my Depression and this is a nasty disease. It hurts to fight it and I took it out on you and I blamed the way I felt on you. Honestly I'm sick even thinking about the way I treated you. I'm sorry. I dont know what the point of telling you this is but I'd feel better if you knew the truth instead of me making excuses and yes I probably did use you and Mannie as an excuse.

 

I'm a bitch I know but I now have my emotions under control and I promise you this is the real Pannie actually talking to you. I did change...and I didn't like it. And right now I'm fixing myself to become that old me but maybe a little more mature. I'm sorry Annie. I'm so sorry. I kind of hope you read this. It's funny how while I told you I didn't care or love you anymore that it was just my depression talking and now that I'm fighting it I can actually feel all my true feelings for you coming out. I do still love you and care for you more then anything.

You were the only friend I've ever actually wanted. And I hope within this year I can fix it. Cause I'm not gonna ruin us. Even if you think you're dead. You don't have to talk to me or forgive me but know I'm still gonna try and fix us and I will earn your forgiveness and trust again. I promise that. Even if you cuss me out and tell me to **** off...I'm still gonna try. Cause you mean the world to me and if be damn to let you walk away cause I was a selfish ****ing bitch.

 

After that we became friends again and POOF, her depression was gone and I had not seen any sign of the pills, nor did her mom ever ask her if she needed a refill.

Second message:

 

The email I sent isn't to play with your emotions ether. I honestly am speaking from my heart and telling the truth. You honestly think I didn't cherish you more then anything....I know I had a terrible time showing it but YOU MEANT THE WORLD TO ME. And still do. I'm sorry I was selfish.

 

Third message:

If you think I lied by saying I had depression then I must have really gave you the wrong impression of the person I am. I'd never lie about a disease as horrible as it is. It was controlling me and I was scared and chose to let it. You have no idea what it's like unless you have had depression and in that case I'm so sorry. This is the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life. I most definitely am not making an excuse out of an illness I'm just telling the truth. And I want to earn my forgiveness.

 

Fourth message:

You even said so yourself...I'm not the same person I was. And when you said that it made me realize that I need help. I know that this is not the person I am. When I met you I loved the person you were and everything about you. Lately I've hated the person you were and I didn't understand why. But now I know why I felt that way because THE PERSON IVE BEEN FOR THE LAST YEAR IS NOT ME.

 

You were right Annie. I used to be such a kind caring and accepting person. And now I'm so judgemental and big headed. I promise I'm changing and I'm working my butt of to get rid of this person who I am not. I'm sorry I keep sending a million messages but it's so hard to explain it all. It's so hard to explain how I feel. You know a girl at *random school*, a friend, asked me to go to the fair one day with her and I honestly said no because I only feel the desire to go with You and I'm saying this because all my best times and memories are with you and even when I tried telling myself I hated you....I only wanted you.

 

Gosh I'm such a mess but I honestly a have been changing and now that I know And am fixing myself I promise I am becoming the Pannie you became best friends with.

 

Fifth:

Annie I know why we had such bad fallouts. We never communicate. And I know we always agreed that what was the problem but we never did anything to fix it. Annie we always get so worked up and mad that we always block one another and we are always scared to see what the other says. We don't give us time to have a full conversation and we never let us have time to cool down so we can actually talk.

 

Annie I want us to be friends and I want us to fix our relationship. This isn't me running back to you and if you even agree this isn't you running back to me. This would be us being adults and realizing that we have such a beautiful connection and that we shouldn't let it die. When we first met I knew you were gonna be my one true best friend my entire life. And I was right. I have no desire for a new one and I feel so empty without you. I know I sound so lame and you probably will ignore me and laugh about me to your friends but I want us to fix things.

 

I want us to sit down in person and actually talk about how we feel. Not on Facebook. Not where we can block each other and not see how upset we are because in person you can actually see the emotions the person has. I don't want to end our high school lives without each other. I don't want to tell my kids all the amazing story's about us and not have you a part of my life. We've been with each other for about 6 years. And we both act so childish that we don't fix the problem even though we both agree it's the communication.

 

I didn't tell you what was going on with me and you turned to making statuses and not confronting me about not seeing you until we had that big blow out. I know I sound desperate but I took you for granted and I regret it so much and I honestly feel empty without you. I know I've said nasty things that I can't take back. And same to you. We've both done things and honestly I could care less. I don't hold any grudges or anger against you because I've realized I'm just as much in the wrong. So this is me apologizing and trying to FIX things.

 

Not just put a bandaid on it. Annien we always run back to each other because we're meant to be best friends or else we would have said goodbye for good the first time. But we didn't. I honestly thought *person* and *person* where gonna be my best friends for my entire life. We never fought but on the first time we did, we all went our separate ways and never looked back. Now with me and a you we always keep coming back to each other and we're always there for each other even if the other doesn't see that. I know you're my true friend cause why would my heart ache like this for you. Every time we became friends again it was always just "forget and forgive" and we'd jump right back in without talking or taking it slowly just BAM were the exact same, we didn't help each other grow or realize our mistakes. Annie that's why we never last long.

 

I want to be your friend and I want to be your true friend I want us to work this all out. Please. I'll even show up at your house begging cause I'm done with us playing games with each other till we explode and my issue didn't help me at all and made me so hateful. And I'm owning up and apologizing and admitting I was a notch and everything I said was wrong and I have no right to accuse you of anything BUT that didn't make you perfect ether. You can ignore me and you won't have to see me or deal with me but I'm at least trying. Cause damnit I don't want us to lose our connection.

 

You even said we had a rare one. And I'd be damn if id let my ego and selfishness take that away from me. So Annie I'm sorry. If you don't want me that's fine but I'll be here getting better and hopefully we can make this right one day.

 

Wether it be this month or in a year or maybe never...but I'll always be here for you. I promise. Cause I love you. You're a sister to me and I don't care what you say cause you've always been a sister to me and sisters fight but that's when you know it's real.

 

Relationships aren't perfect but they do need a lot of worked and to be fixed completely before continuing. You even said you feel the empty spot where I should be. Why keep it empty. Why can't we just fix it? Like legit fix it. (Sorry I'm not as amazing as you are at wording things and writing and stuff sorry if this confused you) (also I'm sorry I'm blowing up your email)

 

 

Yet she continues to do the same **** she did before. She brings a sob story….and Im sick of it. I was always sick of it. Be the judge. Are we good friends for each other or should I look the opposite way? Please help.

Edited January 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraph spacing ~6

[preraph]

Well, she might be a chronic liar and excuse maker. Certainly it's way more drama than is healthy in a girlfriends friend relationship. A LOT of drama. Maybe she just likes a good soap opera. Anyway, she seems to value your friendship. You seem to have a petty issue that should not be an issue with your jealousy of her having nice dresses. And I have to say that for someone with a long-term boyfriend, she has made time for you, which is rare enough. So try to count your blessings here but release her from lying to you by not making her apologize for being who she is all the time, though an apology for any direct negligent act towards you, such as standing you up, is always appropriate.

 

I had a male friend who was a chronic liar. I gently called him out on it and told him he didn't need to make up things to impress me or excuse himself, that I liked him for who he was and would like him better if he wasn't insulting my intelligence by embellishing!