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Friend/coworker made a comment today that I didn't like


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 16th November 2016, 2:19 PM   #16
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This sounds like a whole lot of sexual tension.
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Old 7th December 2016, 2:59 AM   #17
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Update: been a little over a month later and as I suspected, our "friendship" won't ever be the same ever again. I haven't texted her in over a month, nor has she texted me. I used to text her weekly, sometimes A LOT, and I admit this was unhealthy of me to do. I think I saw her as a closer friend than what she really was. She didn't hate me, but there was a lot of passive aggressiveness on her part throughout the past year and I think this leaving work early episode was her tipping point of "laying it in" on me.

But now I try to maintain professionalism around her but find it somewhat difficult. She is really cold around me, barely makes eye contact and doesn't even have the courtesy to say hi. It's not keeping me up at night, but it definitely weighs on me a bit whenever I'm driving to work knowing it's going to be a bit awkward around her. Right now I'm just trying to focus on doing the best job I can and "not shrinking" in her presence.

And I guess in hindsight we weren't nearly as good friend as I once assumed us to be.

---

Edit: More details below. So as you may recall, I recently posted about a coworker who I thought was a pretty good friend. We texted throughout the week although admittedly I initiated the texts most of the time -- still, she would always respond and ask me stuff back so we'd end up texting back and forth throughout any given week. However, she told me she lost a bit of respect for me because I left work early to go to the gym (even though I had my students covered she acted like I committed a bigger sin than what I did). Anyway, it's been about a month since and our relationship has completely changed.

No more texting (good riddance), no more dropping by her room to chat, etc. However, she barely makes eye contact anymore and doesn't even have the professional courtesy to greet me anymore. I just find the whole thing funny, and I so hate it when Christians throw holier-than-thou stuff in your face as end it by saying "Your sister in Christ" or "Your brother in Christ." But they only use that to work their angles. They suddenly don't act so Sister in Christ-like any other time. It's a pet peeve of mine. Don't hide behind religion. Just come out and say what you got to say.

So anyway, I'm not losing sleep over it, but it does affect me. Naturally. How can it not? Not to the point where I no longer enjoy coming to work, but there is a cloud of tension between me and her that I can feel. Like a bad spirit/aura whenever I'm around her. I was talking to my friend the other night about this whole situation and we came to the conclusion that this coworker really does treat me like I'm an ex boyfriend. Meaning, for w/e reasons she holds me to incredibly high standards but is constantly looking for the smallest reasons to throw shade at me, or try to belittle me. We never even dated, lol. Yeah, I understanding asking her out in early 2015 changed the dynamic of our friendship forever (she's kind of had the power ever since) which is a lesson I've learned (don't crap where you eat).

Anyway, just looking for some words of wisdom from you guys who may have been down a similar path. Do I greet her good morning when I bump into her or should I wait for her to initiate? Today we were in the same hallway and she didn't even acknowledge me. I didn't say hi or anything myself because the other day I said good morning and was met with nothing but coldness.

I guess, besides general tips on how to best handle this, when does this go from a "just gotta eat it and put your big boy pants on -- don't be too sensitive" to "OK, this crosses a professional boundary and I need to call her out on her crap" ? I'm naturally not confrontational, but my friend told me that I should call her out the next time she is rude to me, or passive aggressive. For example, if we're in a group setting and she talks down to me for no reason at all, my friend suggests I could ask the group, or just put the thought out there "Whoa, that tone seemed a little unnecessary..." just so she knows she can't walk over me and get away with it.

Open to feedback, dos, don'ts and stories of similar situations. Thanks in advance. Right now I'm letting everything roll off my back, but there's another part of me that wants to put her in her place the next time she tries to pull off that passive aggressive crap. I just rather ignore her and not make this drama any bigger than it needs to be. But when does pride and self respect kick in vs. keep brushing it off?

Last edited by Teknoe; 7th December 2016 at 3:19 AM..
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Old 7th December 2016, 9:42 AM   #18
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I think you are vastly overthinking this and have spent way too much time worrying about it. You are acting like she is your ex-girlfriend and the two of you broke up.

I don't see any reason for you to act anything other than normal around her. Yes, if you pass her, say "Good morning" if you want. Don't worry about who should initiate. Treat her like you would treat any other coworker. If she chooses not to respond, so what? There's no law that coworkers have to greet each other whenever they see each other. She obviously doesn't want to be friends with you anymore, so just let it go. If you decide you don't want to bother greeting her anymore, then do that. Who cares? I can assure you that she's not worrying about this the way you are.

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Originally Posted by Teknoe View Post
I guess, besides general tips on how to best handle this, when does this go from a "just gotta eat it and put your big boy pants on -- don't be too sensitive" to "OK, this crosses a professional boundary and I need to call her out on her crap" ? I'm naturally not confrontational, but my friend told me that I should call her out the next time she is rude to me, or passive aggressive. For example, if we're in a group setting and she talks down to me for no reason at all, my friend suggests I could ask the group, or just put the thought out there "Whoa, that tone seemed a little unnecessary..." just so she knows she can't walk over me and get away with it.
Again, treat her like you would treat anyone else. If she says something rude to you, it's fine to call her out on it if you think that's the appropriate response, in the same way you would call out any other coworker who said something rude to you. However, it's worth considering whether you are being overly sensitive about her comments toward you given your past crush on her and all of this other stuff that is going on. Honestly, I would probably just ignore it if I were you, given that you have to work together.
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Old 7th December 2016, 10:17 AM   #19
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Teknoe, why is she still taking up so much of your headspace?
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Old 7th December 2016, 10:45 AM   #20
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Teknoe, why is she still taking up so much of your headspace?
Because I see her 5 days of the week lol. It's not as easy as ignore it when you are being mistreated and feel a cloud of tension with someone. I try my best not to let it affect me -- venting here helps. I am doing my best to move on but it takes time to adjust from massive contact to zero contact + undisclosed uncomfortable tension.
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Old 7th December 2016, 10:58 AM   #21
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Don't call her out, jesus. That just perpetuates drama, because she's shown you already that if anything, she loves drama (though I get the feeling you do, too ...).

Let her be her pious self. Show her it doesn't effect you by ignoring her, and concentrate on all the positive interactions in your life. Maybe eventually she'll do the same.
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Old 7th December 2016, 10:49 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by clia View Post
I think you are vastly overthinking this and have spent way too much time worrying about it. You are acting like she is your ex-girlfriend and the two of you broke up.

I don't see any reason for you to act anything other than normal around her. Yes, if you pass her, say "Good morning" if you want. Don't worry about who should initiate. Treat her like you would treat any other coworker. If she chooses not to respond, so what? There's no law that coworkers have to greet each other whenever they see each other. She obviously doesn't want to be friends with you anymore, so just let it go. If you decide you don't want to bother greeting her anymore, then do that. Who cares? I can assure you that she's not worrying about this the way you are.

Again, treat her like you would treat anyone else. If she says something rude to you, it's fine to call her out on it if you think that's the appropriate response, in the same way you would call out any other coworker who said something rude to you. However, it's worth considering whether you are being overly sensitive about her comments toward you given your past crush on her and all of this other stuff that is going on. Honestly, I would probably just ignore it if I were you, given that you have to work together.
I might be (overthinking this). But it's still relatively new to me, so it's going to take me another week or two to process all of this. Yes, I am trying to treat her the same, however, today she came into the lunch room and it was just me and another girl. She said hi to the girl and literally ignored me completely, pretty much. She acted like I wasn't there. How do you "treat her like normal" when she is so blatantly disrespectful and willfully ignoring you like such?

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Originally Posted by losangelena View Post
Don't call her out, jesus. That just perpetuates drama, because she's shown you already that if anything, she loves drama (though I get the feeling you do, too ...).

Let her be her pious self. Show her it doesn't effect you by ignoring her, and concentrate on all the positive interactions in your life. Maybe eventually she'll do the same.
I can see that POV as well. But I think there's something to be said for standing up for yourself if someone is constantly trying to belittle you, or take cheap shots at you. At what point do you stand up for yourself and call her out on it? Perpetuates drama, or squashes it because you show her you have a spine and won't take to being stepped on unnecessarily from now on?I think an argument could be made for either side.
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Old 7th December 2016, 10:54 PM   #23
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Don't call her out, jesus. That just perpetuates drama, because she's shown you already that if anything, she loves drama
I don't know if she'd love drama though if others get brought into the fold. I think she likes to take these cheap shots at me as a way of making herself feel better in the process. But if I said something like "That was a little unnecessary, no?" to the group after she says something snide or condescending then it forces her to go "Uh oh, he's standing up for himself and my reputation could be at risk here for being unnecessarily unprofessional."

I would never call her out one on one, as I doubt she'd take it well, no matter how well my statement is. However, in a group setting, she would be forced to step back and re-evaluate how she treats me, whether subconsciously or not. That's the point my friend was making to me over the phone call, and I have to agree with her POV. At some point you need to stand up for yourself. No one has the right to belittle you unnecessarily in the work environment.
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Old 8th December 2016, 11:32 AM   #24
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Originally Posted by Teknoe View Post
She acted like I wasn't there. How do you "treat her like normal" when she is so blatantly disrespectful and willfully ignoring you like such?
Aside from giving you the cold shoulder, what else is she doing right now that you consider to be disrespectful?
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Old 8th December 2016, 10:59 PM   #25
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Aside from giving you the cold shoulder, what else is she doing right now that you consider to be disrespectful?
Last week she came into the lunch room where it was me and a few other colleagues. There was a cake on the table and she asked "Who brought this?"

I replied, "Perhaps Lilly?"

And she shot me a mean glare and said in an annoyed tone, "NO, Lilly brought the donuts."

It was unnecessary and definitely rude. One of my colleagues later told me that that seemed a bit out of line and that I was being disrespected. I also know if ANYONE ELSE said the same thing, "Perhaps Lilly?" that she wouldn't have snapped at them like how she did at me.

You had to be there to see her face and hear her tone. It was ugly.

BTW, to put this in perspective: imagine going from inside jokes, hearty laughs and deep sharing of stories to a complete 180 -- zero jokes, mean subtle looks or in most cases, zero eye contact and basically zero communication. That's why it's occupying some head space right now. It's such a drastic 180 that it's going to take another week or two to adjust to.
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Old 9th December 2016, 7:21 AM   #26
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Ah, okay. I've dealt with that sort of attitude from a colleague at work. She was a miserable person, and she seemed to have a special hate-on for me.

Unless this woman is speaking directly to you, don't respond to anything she says. If she ignores you when you say hello, try not to take it personally. If you decide to stand up for yourself when she's rude, that's fine. Just make sure to not sink to her level; don't give her anything that she can use against you.

It's a good sign that your colleagues are noticing her behaviour and commenting on it. Talk to other people at work instead and just forget about her.

Last edited by SpiralOut; 9th December 2016 at 7:32 AM..
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Old 9th December 2016, 1:12 PM   #27
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I can think of a couple of similar situations have been in. I tend to be pretty quick with responses and I do enjoy throwing them back. Usually the other person will back down quickly or apologize and say you misunderstood. It's temporarily satisfying but it won't change their behavior.


I have a temper that I'll hide for a while. I'll call them on their BS after a while, you get a short reprieve, they start again and then I basically ask if they want to settle it once and for all. Honestly all that really comes of it is they act like they were the nicest people on earth when you call them on it and challenge them to put it to a stop, but it always comes back. Many people might back you in private, but if you do it in a group they'll usually act like you are both wrong to avoid conflict.


I think your best route if you like your job and you'll be around her for a long time is basically act like it doesn't register with you. When she snaps at you like, "No, Lilly brought the donuts!" you can always say, "Oh, I didn't see her bring the donuts. Maybe she brought the cake too, Lilly is my new favorite person because she brings donuts and cake!" and just laugh it off. She will probably get frustrated and continue to 'dislike' you and smack talk about you to co-workers, but they will know how you are and they will know how she is and know the truth.
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Old 9th December 2016, 10:30 PM   #28
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You know that she doesn't want to talk to you. In a recent post you even said that she blatantly disregarded your presence--so why do you continue to try to initiate a conversation with her? There was absolutely no reason for you to respond to her question, particularly since you didn't know the answer but only guessed. Besides, there were other people who could have answered.

You claim that she has disrespected you. Perhaps she has, but by refusing to respect her desire not to engage with you, you are disrespecting her, too. Forget about calling her out on how she's treated you. Doing that in front of an audience is disrespectful to your co-workers and will not likely have the result you're looking for.

Look, I'm not disputing your position that she has treated you poorly. I believe that you feel that she has. Unfortunately, she doesn't agree or doesn't care.

Leave her alone. Stop trying to get her to talk to you. When she walks into a room, continue whatever you were doing. If you pass her in the hall (or wherever) keep on walking. If she says hello, return the greeting--but do not take it as an invitation to talk. Unless she asks you a question directly, do not answer. If you know the answer, answer. If not, say you don't know.

This is not a game. It's simply a matter of maintaining cordial professionalism.

Anything else is setting yourself up for more frustration & aggravation.

Good luck
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Old 11th December 2016, 8:14 PM   #29
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Yeah, I decided to not stoop to her level. I'll be professional and cordial. I won't ignore her on purpose, but I won't go out of my way to talk to her either.

Well, last Friday we had our first nice "normal" interaction since the incident.

I walked into the copier room and she was there alone. We were basically forced to make some small talk. She brought breakfast that morning and said

"Hey I noticed you left breakfast early with two plates. Really liked it huh?"

"Haha, I did but actually the reason I got two plates was because one was for Judy."

Note: Judy is a colleague who lives right off campus in a housing unit my school runs. Her body is aching and so she has been off work all week. Judy and I texted earlier that morning that I could drop breakfast off for her.

My coworker actually put her hand on my shoulder, lol. It was a nice sign of affection/respect after everything that has gone down.

I guess she saw my heart in that instant? I don't know. But she thought what I did was sweet.

We made some small talk and then she left with her copies. It was a nice moment but it doesn't change the fact that the friendship will never be like it once was. No more texting like crazy and no more after school visits.

But Friday's interaction was certainly encouraging to me that maybe she's letting go of whatever judgments she's holding over me for w/e reason.
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Old 12th December 2016, 2:39 AM   #30
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It sounds a lot more like Lucy teeing up the football, Charlie Brown.
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