Lifespans of friendships

[Italian_Pine]

Hi all

 

I have been an avid reader so far on these forums, and was wondering if I might ask advice on something I am struggling with...

 

I have a friend who I met online about half a year ago. We are both straight women, though she is a few years younger than me. We are both single (this may be relevant). We have been chatting daily on Whatsapp for the past few months, and have visited each other a few times as well as attended events together for a shared interest. I have had close, female friends before and this friendship is not at that level yet - it has not been anywhere near long enough, we are still finding out new stuff about each other and we haven't witnessed enough of those life events that cement friendships. She is not the first person I would confide in if I have a problem; I would speak to other, older friends or family instead. But I thought the friendship was promising.

 

Now she is asking that we reduce contact, that she sometimes with other friends can go a month or even half a year without being in touch. She says she goes through phases where she does not want to talk to people, or may pursue her hobbies. At some point she may also have another relationship. I would expect contact to dwindle dramatically if she started a relationship...that I understand. I would be sad to have less contact because she wants to pursue hobbies etc, but I can understand and it's her life. However, she seems to think that a friendship does not change if contact is dramatically reduced. I am afraid that it will.

 

I have only ever had two friends where we had this "we don't see each other for ages, but when we meet it's like no time has passed" type friendship. I think it is quite rare. I also think that this current friendship has not yet reached the stage where this is possible - if it will at all.

 

I am quite sad at the thought that this friendship may change, that either one of might lose interest, that things will become superficial and then just peter out. I have had a few friendships go that way, despite efforts from both parties; but in the end, lack of contact always made the friendship die out.

 

On one hand I am willing to go along with what my friend is suggesting. Hey, I cannot force her to have more contact than she wants! On the other hand, I want to avoid disappointment - and having sporadic contact would only remind me each time when we spoke to each other more frequently, and make me sad at the change and feel rejected somehow. It also makes me feel that she gets to decide unilaterally how much contact we have, and I'm not sure that's fair and I am worried I will get resentful over time.

 

So - am I being too pessimistic? I know that there are plenty of folks who have friends that they communicate with infrequently, and still maintain a friendship. However, do these friendships have the same quality as those with people they talk to often? If not, do people simply not mind because they have partners, family or children that provide that level of connection?

 

Part of me is tempted to just end the friendship, rather than watch it fizzle out over time and lack of contact. On the other hand it's not realistic to have that sort of frequent-contact friendship over a long period, as family and partners would eventually take first place - right?

 

I would love to hear people's opinions. Am I way off base? Can reduced contact maintain a friendship?

Edited November 2, 2016 by Italian_Pine

[IHateOctober]

I kind of understand what you're going through as I had the same concern recently.

 

I think if you're tempted to end the friendship, Why not just take a step back and give it some time as your friend suggested. It could end the friendship totally. But it mIght give you both time to figure out his whole thing. And who knows, it'll deepened the relationship even more.

 

In every relationship, we are all scared of losing what we have but this is something you cannot control. Life happens, family happens, and heck even nothing happened, your head can mess you up pretty bad.

 

So after some successful and failed relationships, I've learned to let it all play out itself on things that I cannot control. But I'll stay true and try my best on my part.

 

That's just my five cents. But wish you good luck and long live your friendship!

[Mysterio]

Your friend to me. Just without saying it directly saying it to you. Is basically saying your just Aqunintances. Thats why I have a lot of friends and I don't have anyone that I am on a daily basis. As it stands right now. Just by looking at my phone. I have Monthly/B-Monthly and Quarterly Friends.

 

I think respect her wants. Yet don't be a pushover. I would just keep her as a Quarterly friend and even then. Don't go out of your way try to do major activities with her. Infact I would be very low Key with her and keep your get togethers like 2 Hours or less. No major Vacations or Rock Concerts or Girls Night out.

 

Meet for Lunch or Coffee. Thats it.

 

I am going through the same thing as well with a friend. Except I don't call and do anything with him. Just a B-day E-mail and thats it. If I run into him I say hi and move on.

[chumly]

I know how you feel in alot of ways. There are people I really want to be friends with that seem to not share the same level as enthusiasm about the whole thing as myself.

However, every relationship varies from person to person and situation to situation. It is also possible that even though she might feel this way now regarding communicating..she could feel differently in the future.

I dont think that seeing and communicating with her less will necessarily make the relationship any worse. You never know..in some ways it might strengthen things.

I hope this helped:)

[Standard-Fare]

To have a friend ask directly to reduce contact — that's unusual. Normally a decrease of contact would just happen naturally, without requests or instructions or acknowledgment.

 

OP, the fact that your friend did come right out and say that suggests one of two things:

 

1) You're expecting too much from this friendship, more than this girl can give you, and she feels suffocated. She needs you to lay off the heat, so much so that she had to tell you that.

 

or 2) Your friend is an impulsive person, prone to drama and whims. She all of a sudden got bored with the friendship, so she immediately wants to be off the hook. Maybe her whims will change in the future and she'll want more from you. Either way, it's all about her whims.

 

Whichever the explanation, OP, I think you have no choice but to take a step back from this friendship. You can't expect it to be a reliable or significant foundation in your life.

 

But if you can manage your expectations and accept this as a more sporadic, casual friendship, this girl can probably remain in your life. It's up to you if you'd be satisfied with that.

[Italian_Pine]

Thank you all for you replies - interesting and insightful, and very helpful!

 

I will just relax and see where this friendship goes. I need to learn that I cannot control what others do, and that I can only try my best. I am not the best at reading other people at times, so others' insight and take on the situation has been much appreciated

 

Thanks again!