A friend who subtweets you

[noski]

Hi everyone ,

 

I was wondering what you think would be the wise approach to someone who subtweets you,not just anybody but we referred to each other as close friends,sisters ( ...Well I know I did nothing to her because I asked her and she confirmed )

 

Space was needed,I gave it to her but we are supposed to meet (If she follows through) but I feel like I need to tell her about those subtweets and I did not bring it up because I was not sureand didnt wanna accuse her but when we recently talked, she brought up something along the line (she probably must have forgotten about that subtweet ).So I got the confirmation for a fact it was for me .

I would not really bother If this was not someone I cared about,Someone I trusted .We got along really well ,saw each other cry ,talked on a daily basis,hung out a lot etc etc

 

I know she doesn't like the whole "I feel hurt "talk but aren't you supposed to communicate with your friends when something feels off ?Especially with someone who referred to you as the best best friend ever,sister and everything ?

This is not about neediness or anything but about communicating with someone you care about because the second my friend expressed to me that she needed space,I didnt look back and gave her space but I woould have appreciated her telling me instead of subtweeting about "someone people not understanding the concept of leaving you alone " right after I texted her (before giving her space when she made it clear )

 

But I guess coming back to my question ,I am wondering whether it's a good idea from your perspective to tell my friend about her subtweets ..

I have grown a lot and I learnt not to engage in confrontation but I guess I would tell her something like :

"I just wish you could have communicated with me rather than subtweeting me "

I just wonder ,is it worth it?Do I suck it up ?Because it seems like she doesnt like the whole " I feel hurt " (even when you express how you feel without guilting her ) .When we briefly talked about the whole space thing ,I simply told her that I didnt know she needed space but when she told me I did respect that but she kept saying that she didnt wanna have to explain herself .I just wanted her to tell me instead of subtweeting or ignoring my messages.I told her the reason why I told her I was confused was because I regarded her as a sister and we were super close,she also said things like "same,you mean a lot to me me to "but It seemed odd to me to subtweet someone you care about.Anyway

Sadly in my mind it downgraded the nature of the friendship.Trust has been compromised on my end but looking forward to meeting this week after a not talking for almost a month.

Edited October 24, 2016 by noski

[basil67]

I had to Google 'subtweets' haha

 

If I had a friend who did subtweets about me, I would cease being their friend. Seriously, who needs such passive aggressive people around?

[noski]

I had to Google 'subtweets' haha

 

If I had a friend who did subtweets about me, I would cease being their friend. Seriously, who needs such passive aggressive people around?

 

lool I should have said"indirect"hehe!

I did not want to judge her on that one action even though it rubbed me the wrong way .It was a lesson for me to stop putting a label like were"best"friends etc...

She probably does not know but it appears obviously on my timeline but that isnt cool after everything we shared...

[JewelD]

I wouldn't say anything outside of telling her to fk herself. Subtweeting is petty and only done by people who don't have the balls to say how they really feel to the person. She, and everyone else who subtweets, needs a journal to write in.

 

But regardless, sounds like she is annoyed with your friendship, so don't give it to her.

[basil67]

I've been thinking about this and come back to comment further. And Jewel beat me to it - I agree that it sounds like she's getting annoyed by the friendship.

 

What was going on before she asked for space? I can only imagine doing this if a friend needed too much of my time and/or support. I don't suppose you overwhelmed her or something?

 

And yeah, take the term 'best friend' with a grain of salt. Some people will be dear friends throughout our lives. Others will be a an intense friendship which fades relatively quickly.

[noski]

I wouldn't say anything outside of telling her to fk herself. Subtweeting is petty and only done by people who don't have the balls to say how they really feel to the person. She, and everyone else who subtweets, needs a journal to write in.

 

But regardless, sounds like she is annoyed with your friendship, so don't give it to her.

The thing is when we meet in person we joke around a lot and this subtweet thing botbered me and I don't wanna pretend but you suggest I don't bring it up?

 

I am also turned off but I I agreed to meet for a coffee because she asked and I just wanted to give ber back her stuff(I kindly asked to mail to her she instead talked about coffee she said she felt bad for how she distanced herself and I did nothing to her but my.message saying I was upset turned her off ) but yeah im over it too I didn't even wanna detail over here.

At this point even If she does not follow up with meeting,I will accept it and let it go because I cannot accomodote anyy longer this.

I dont know we were getting along super well I was there for her at her worst she eas there for me too but for that alone subtweeting me was a bit low tbh but also because of everything we shared I dont wanna judge her with that..

Edited October 24, 2016 by noski

[noski]

I've been thinking about this and come back to comment further. And Jewel beat me to it - I agree that it sounds like she's getting annoyed by the friendship.

 

What was going on before she asked for space? I can only imagine doing this if a friend needed too much of my time and/or support. I don't suppose you overwhelmed her or something?

 

And yeah, take the term 'best friend' with a grain of salt. Some people will be dear friends throughout our lives. Others will be a an intense friendship which fades relatively quickly.

 

Basil Thank you for coming back lol,

Well I noticed that she kept conversations short,didn't follow up,etc etc .She told me about something but we usually talked about that ,so I know it didnt justify that behaviour .I gave her a break fora few days and checked on her to see how she is doing , asking what was up ,she said nothing that she was just really busy .. but then proceeded to subtweet about "people who don't understanding the concept of leaving her alone ".So I started wondering whether it was personal .

I decided to check with another friend and asked her if shes been talking to her ,if she's ok.That friend told me " to me she's perfectly fine we talk on a daily basis ".Well then I sent her a message asking her if I did something or said something that upset her or anything ,to tell me etc ..

She said I did nothing but that she needed space because she has a lot of work .she proceeded to subtweet again about her "not uderstanding why people cause drama becaus eof her friendship "etc .I just expressed how I felt and dint guilt her.

Well a couple of weeks later ,she explained to me that message turned her off and she was distant with not just me but other people because she didnt wanna talk about a certain topic but then when I told her I was upset , she pulled away even further from me.

I told her I wish she would have just expressed it to me but it was over text ,I didnt bring up the subtweet and the subtweet was the very reason I started thinking it was personal and why I sent that message.

 

Anyway ,she seemed to say that she didnt wanna have to explain herself but I told her no she didnt owe explanation but I regarded her as a sister and in the name of how close we were,I woas hoping she would just communicate tthat to me since we were talking on a daily basis and confided to each other a lot and trusted each other but no I wasnt overbearing at all because the second she asked about space ,I gave it to her and didnt taalk to her at all,well a week after she sent me a video like that "reminded her of me ",I briefly replied and she didnt follow up and we didnt talk until I told her that I can send her her stuff via mail and she talked about coffee etc etc .

Honestly I'm over the whole thing but I was just wondering about the whole subtweet mention at this stage .

The truth is I know that I did nothing to her at this stage ,If she got turned of because I told her how I felt ,I amnot sorry for that .I am just hoping that she follows through so that we can have a chat and I will be honest with her ,well obviously in a kindly manner .

In my mind ,the friendship is down a pedestal already ...

[JewelD]

The thing is when we meet in person we joke around a lot and this subtweet thing botbered me and I don't wanna pretend but you suggest I don't bring it up?

 

I am also turned off but I I agreed to meet for a coffee because she asked and I just wanted to give ber back her stuff(I kindly asked to mail to her she instead talked about coffee she said she felt bad for how she distanced herself and I did nothing to her but my.message saying I was upset turned her off ) but yeah im over it too I didn't even wanna detail over here.

At this point even If she does not follow up with meeting,I will accept it and let it go because I cannot accomodote anyy longer this.

I dont know we were getting along super well I was there for her at her worst she eas there for me too but for that alone subtweeting me was a bit low tbh but also because of everything we shared I dont wanna judge her with that..

 

The Friendship should be over so there's really no need to bring it up. You may have thought more of the friendship that she actually did. And just because you shared a lot doesn't mean she's not capable of being a crappy person.

 

I was friends with someone for 7 years and we went through a lot in that time but then she lost her damn mind and the friendship ended. Some people are meant to be in your life for a specific amount of time. And when they're no longer being a good friend, you have to let them go.

[noski]

The Friendship should be over so there's really no need to bring it up. You may have thought more of the friendship that she actually did. And just because you shared a lot doesn't mean she's not capable of being a crappy person.

 

I was friends with someone for 7 years and we went through a lot in that time but then she lost her damn mind and the friendship ended. Some people are meant to be in your life for a specific amount of time. And when they're no longer being a good friend, you have to let them go.

 

Hi Jewel,Thank you so much for taking the time to reply .I thought about it...I had a breakthrough moment

 

I am feeling a bit better about this situation .Well let's say I did react to that strongly and now I am examining my own reaction to it because that's all that I can control,I definitely make the conscious choice to just let it go for my own sake and peace of mind.

 

People are gonna behave how they behave and you're right ,we did share a lot in the past but I have to accept the reality now.I am reminded of a quote "When you argue against reality ,you will suffer".We suffer even more when we identify with our thoughts as would Eckart Tolle way .

Like I told you my friend did not get back to me to tell me when she is available but It does not matter anymore .I was hoping to have a chat with her but it does not matter anymore.Is it unfortunate ?Yes it sucks balls!but it is what it is!

I no longer feel upset.At least I am exploring the lesson and I am grateful for the lesson .So yes I don't see any other way than moving on and not react AT ALL because It would just cause me useless stress(while the other person is moving on with their life) because all I can control is my reaction to the situation but not someone else's behavior .I choose not to participate anymore .If this is the end of our friendship,then be it .At least,she was here to teach me something and If this did not happen,I would not today take a deeper look inside,to identify my patterns ,and strong reaction.

 

I am letting it go and blessing her and wishing her well but thanks to you again and basil for taking the time to read and respond .

I am here If needed as well.

Blessings:love:

Edited October 24, 2016 by noski

[basil67]

Noski, first let me reiterate that I really don't like the passive aggressive message she made.

 

However, I'm wondering if daily contact was too much for her. Perhaps it's just me, but I'd find daily contact to be far too much.

 

I recently had a dear friend who had a marriage crisis. We were talking every day throughout this. And I was happy to support her. But at the end of the month or so it took to settle down, I was completely exhausted and really needed some space. I didn't say anything to her and thankfully she became far less prolific in her contact - but had she kept it up, I too would have needed to ask for space.

 

Generally speaking, I check in with my best friends somewhere from 2 to 8 times a month depending on how busy we are. We have a good gossip and then go back to our lives.

 

I guess a question to ask is whether or not the intensity of the friendship was the cause of her checking out.

[noski]

Noski, first let me reiterate that I really don't like the passive aggressive message she made.

 

However, I'm wondering if daily contact was too much for her. Perhaps it's just me, but I'd find daily contact to be far too much.

 

I recently had a dear friend who had a marriage crisis. We were talking every day throughout this. And I was happy to support her. But at the end of the month or so it took to settle down, I was completely exhausted and really needed some space. I didn't say anything to her and thankfully she became far less prolific in her contact - but had she kept it up, I too would have needed to ask for space.

 

Generally speaking, I check in with my best friends somewhere from 2 to 8 times a month depending on how busy we are. We have a good gossip and then go back to our lives.

 

I guess a question to ask is whether or not the intensity of the friendship was the cause of her checking out.

 

To answer you question,not at all .In fact she was the one initiating more than I did and telling me a lot about her stuff .I remember her telling me that it seemed weird when we didn't talk for a few days .

So no ,I did not overwhelm her ,it was pretty normal and balanced rhythm ,we would talk and meet or have a chat on the phone but there were no one sided contact or anything .

It doesnt matter to me anymore because trust has been compromised from my end already and I am letting it go.

I did not aappreciate a so called friend subtweeting me but what can I do about it ?I am just letting go .

Thank you for your input

[spideywoman]

I had to Google 'subtweets' haha

 

If I had a friend who did subtweets about me, I would cease being their friend. Seriously, who needs such passive aggressive people around?

 

ha! me too.

 

OP: she does sound passive aggressive, a trait i cannot stand. try and talk to her. if she doesn't understand or goes on the defensive, which i suspect she will, then you have your answer. this friendship isn't worth the investment.

[noski]

ha! me too.

 

OP: she does sound passive aggressive, a trait i cannot stand. try and talk to her. if she doesn't understand or goes on the defensive, which i suspect she will, then you have your answer. this friendship isn't worth the investment.

 

No I won't talk to her .It's pointless because I know she won't be receptive.In fact she kept subtweeting thinking I blocked her.I suspected it was for me ,so I messaged her so that she knows I did not ,it was a matter of settings(she ended up deleting that tweet ).So I know it was for me.This was after.I guess It's a habit of hers,she also subtweets others ,I just didnt think she would do that to someone she said was the best friend she ever have ,her "sister",knowing full well that I could see it.

I did mute her anyway so that I won't have to come across her tweets,I wish I could delete her everywhere but I don't want drama,we are on ok terms but she didn't follow up with grabbing coffee,I stopped initiating,If she followed up with meeting like she said ,I would be honest with her about it in person.

I deleted her number anyway.I am not interested anymore in pursuing this type of friendship.It sucks but it is what it is.I realized that I have so many good people in my life,great friends who don't cause me stress or anything .So I'm not gonna waste my energy on this .

It bothered me to not be able to express it to her but I'm choosing to let go this time.I wish her nothing but good in her life ,as far as our friendship goes,trust has been compromised...It downgraded and I am not going to make any more efforts to fix it .

Edited October 28, 2016 by noski