Is she only looking out for herself?

[amkxoxo]

My best girl friend, Kelly introduced me to a guy friend of hers a year ago. She and he were not very close friends, as she and I were best friends. He and I hit it off and we started hanging out more and more. We didn’t tell anyone at first, as we wanted to see if things would progress or we would just stay friends. Things progressed and I eventually told my friend that he and I were dating, and then in a relationship. We were together for almost a year, but we had some lifestyle differences that led to us breaking up. He seemed to have a hard time just being with just me, as he was a player before me and he would sleep with many different women. He was committed and I don’t believe he cheated on me, but it became a problem. We aren’t on bad terms, but I am trying to avoid him and move on with my life. I’ve made this known to my close friends, Kelly included. I still love him, but I know it cannot work between us. If I saw him with another woman in person, which I already did on social media, I know I would be crushed, as I think he would be if I was with another guy. It’s too soon.

 

My friend Kelly keeps inviting him to events with us even though I have expressed to her that it makes me upset and uncomfortable. She always gives me the same excuse that “well he probably won’t come.”

 

But he shows up every single time. I’m very passive so I nicely tell Kelly that I’m anxious about it, but she brushes it off.

 

While I was in a relationship with this guy, he expressed to me that he felt Kelly was self-centered. I didn’t believe him as she was my best friend, but now I’m seeing it more and more. The other day she sent out an invite to a party at her house and he is on the guest list.

 

I finally realized that I needed to stick up for myself. I told her calmly that it made me upset and uncomfortable. She immediately went into defense mode and started making stuff up. She told me she felt roped into it because he overheard her talking about the party. Then she contradicted herself and said she knew that he and her had mutual friends and he would hear about it from them, so she felt pressured into inviting him, because he would be crushed to hear about a party, but not be invited. She even threw out the line that I heard one too many times of “Well he probably isn’t going to come.”

 

At that point I knew she was lying. I continued to tell her I did not like it and I would never do that to her as someone who is my best friend because I would care about her feelings.

 

Kelly continued to make excuses, and contradicting what she was saying. Then she told me how she contemplated for weeks about not even having a party because of my situation with him. So she didn’t feel pressured to invite him, she was going to invite him all along.

 

I just feel like she lied to me over and over and is acting like the victim.

 

I stayed calm and factual. She kept ranting and making up things. She even brought up that she was upset a year ago that I didn’t tell her right away when he and I started hanging out and how she didn’t say anything because she was happy for me.

 

It had nothing to do with the situation and she was deflecting off of herself onto me. We did nothing to hurt her and I always included her in everything my boyfriend and I did. We invited her and her boyfriend almost every week to do stuff with us. They never asked us to do anything. Then she contradicted herself again by saying “well I warned you while you were with him that this would put me in a bad spot.”

 

I wanted to yell at her “NEWS FLASH, IT ISN’T ABOUT YOU! I’M THE ONE HURT AND NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM ANYMORE.” But I didn’t say anything.

 

It was ridiculous. Eventually she said to me “well he has every right to come or not come to the party, and so do you.”

 

So she was pretty much saying how she doesn’t care if I come. I am supposed to be her best friend. I put her above everyone else. It’s clear she only thinks about herself.

[JewelD]

Well, as much as you want to feel like the victim, she didn't set you up with this guy. She introduced you because he was her friend. Now you want her to end her friendship with him and not invite him to things because you don't want to see him.

 

You chose to date him knowing the relationship could possibly end. Just because you don't want to see him doesn't mean she has to cut him off, too. Especially since he didn't actually do anything harmful to you, you're just sad about the breakup.

 

If you don't want to be around him, don't go, but you have no right to tell her she can't invite him to events. You didn't tell her that you wanted to date him so why does she need to 'okay' it with you before she invites him to things?

 

In this case, the selfish one here is you.

[amkxoxo]

I never told her she could not invite him or that she needed to run it past me, its more of a consideration thing. I feel like she is only out for herself and her social life. She literally said to my face while I was in a relationship with him that she hoped we didn't continue dating because if there was a problem, it would be bad for her. FOR HER?

 

Who says that? I'm the one with him. She is my best friend.

 

 

When she and her boyfriend broke up, I didn't invite him to my house to mingle with her. Its hurtful. Now her ex has a new girlfriend. I could invite both of them to my house to be around her. She wouldn't like that.

 

Its a loyalty thing. My ex and his friends stopped inviting Kelly and I to events after our breakup. Because they are loyal to my ex. I thought I would get the same loyalty from her.

 

He and her weren't good friends to begin with. They were friendly. I know my ex so well and he really doesn't like Kelly all that much. She's acting like they've known each other from pre-school and its a deep friendship. I don't even think she knows his sisters name or his favorite color.

 

When we got into a relationship, he told me he only included her because she was my friend and I begged him.

 

I went through a similar situation years ago. I stayed friends and am friends with both people. I kept them away from one another. I did separate things with one and other things with the other person so they didn't feel bad having to hangout together after they broke up. They had time to heal and since they stayed away from each other so long and moved on, they got to meet other people. Now I have functions and they both come with their spouses. They talk and its no big deal. But doing this a month or two after a breakup wouldn't have been nice.

Edited October 17, 2016 by amkxoxo

[JewelD]

What's wrong with her saying that? It's clearly the truth. She knew you weren't going to work out and now that you haven't, it's causing problems between you and her. Which is why it would have made sense to not date him in the first place. Or to at least talk to your friend about it since she knew him before you did and could have had the lowdown on what he's like in relationships.

 

Were you and her ex friends before she dated him? Imagine if that friendship meant something to you then you probably would have invited him to your house. The two issues really aren't comfortable.

 

They had a friendship and now you want her to treat him differently out of consideration for you. Even though you showed no consideration for her by dating the guy in the first place without saying anything and now trying to tell her that she's a bad friend for inviting him.

 

You can't have it both ways. You wanted to date the guy so now you have to deal with the consequences of him still being a part of your friend's life. If she had hooked you up with him, I could understand. That happened to me and then my friend was continually hanging out with these guys who have been disrespectful to me on our date.

 

But if I had dated one of her friends without telling her I plan to do it, I would be silly to tell her I don't feel comfortable being around him and expecting her to not invite him to things in order to accommodate me.

 

If he didn't like your best friend that much then why are you dating him? Why was he still friends with her? Why is he still friends with her now that you and him are broken up?

 

I just think you're looking at it from a very immature point of view. Basically saying that she's your best friend so she needs to be more focused on you than hanging out with him. You don't own her. And if you were such a good friend to her then you would understand why she was probably upset that you dated her friend without telling her. But you're not concerned about her feelings, you just want her to clean up the mess of your break up.

 

You will not die if you don't go to this party. Either go or don't go but don't lose your friend over some guy who apparently doesn't like either one of you very much.

[MCGar]

It wouldn't kill your best friend to be honest and straight forward about why she is inviting him. It also wouldn't kill her to keep her gatherings separate with him from her gatherings with you, atleast for a while.

What's most important is not her intentions but how you handle things. You see her boundaries and actions, decide how to handle them. You just broke up with a guy, how do you need to handle things?

 

If she's a decent friend outside of this issue then you hang out with her in situations that you set up where he isn't invited. Until you don't care at all about what he knows about you, don't share anything too personal with her. Her boundaries are different than yours and you might end up getting hurt by trysting her to act as you would act in this situation.

 

Since you just broke up with him, take time to heal, rediscover yourself, and recuperate. Focus on yourself, then studies, work, family and friends (while practicing caution). Don't put yourself in his sphere until you are absolutely in a different headspace where YOUR dynamic is different.

If you take time to grow from this (and not jump into another relationship right away) then you might naturally drop your friend for others that are more on your wavelength.

[preraph]

You concealed the relationship with him from her because that was her friend when you started dating him. And now you expect her to shun him so you can come to her party and not be anxious. If I were her and had to make a choice, I'd ask him and leave you off the guest list. You can't expect her to break up with him just because you do. And you were inconsiderate and secretive about dating him, and there's some reason for that. So I don't blame her at all.

 

Either put on your Big Girl panties and go and act polite like an adult or stay away from the party.

[amkxoxo]

I didn't hide our relationship. He and I got together a few times as friends and watched some movies. We went to a party together. We hung out with his friends as friends. We weren't anything. I told her we hung out as friends and I told her what we did. When we started going out on dates and doing more, I did tell her all of that too. To me, she is trying to take the attention off of her inviting him and put it on me like I did something wrong. All of my other friends who know me , Kelly, and my ex, don't think me hanging out with him and not telling people every little detail about us dating was wrong. I have asked them.

 

Kelly is the type of person to tell you every little snippet of her date with a guy, down to the way her pushed his hair out of his face. I'm not like that.

 

Kelly and he aren't good friends. He had a huge party a few months ago and didn't invite her. He had a Memorial Day party, and didn't invite her. He went to an amusement park with friends, and again, didn't invite her.

 

I've talked to some of my friends about the situation and they all think Kelly is mad, because as soon as we broke up, she no longer had an in into their group. I was her in. I had to beg my ex and his friends to let me bring her to their parties and have her go on trips with us, because they didn't always want to invite her. As soon as we broke up, they didn't have to invite her any more.

 

My issue overall is her attitude. If a friend of mine came to me and told me she was very uneasy and upset over me having someone at my house for an event, I would apologize genuinely a million times and I would try to do all I can to make the situation better for my friend. You can't disinvite someone and I would never suggest doing that, but I would do something to fix it.

 

She wants to be friends with him and all his friends again so desperately, that she would make sure he comes over me. I almost guarantee it. She plays the victim so much that at the party she would come out and tell my ex, if he showed up, that I didn't want him there. I have nothing against my ex. I still love him. I just don't want to be around him. If he did come and I went, I would be nice. But I would rather not be in the situation to begin with.

 

My ex was sleeping with some girl after we broke up, and if they showed up together I would be crushed, as anyone seeing their ex with another woman after a breakup would be.

[JewelD]

I didn't hide our relationship. He and I got together a few times as friends and watched some movies. We went to a party together. We hung out with his friends as friends. We weren't anything. I told her we hung out as friends and I told her what we did. When we started going out on dates and doing more, I did tell her all of that too. To me, she is trying to take the attention off of her inviting him and put it on me like I did something wrong. All of my other friends who know me , Kelly, and my ex, don't think me hanging out with him and not telling people every little detail about us dating was wrong. I have asked them.

 

Kelly is the type of person to tell you every little snippet of her date with a guy, down to the way her pushed his hair out of his face. I'm not like that.

 

Kelly and he aren't good friends. He had a huge party a few months ago and didn't invite her. He had a Memorial Day party, and didn't invite her. He went to an amusement park with friends, and again, didn't invite her.

 

I've talked to some of my friends about the situation and they all think Kelly is mad, because as soon as we broke up, she no longer had an in into their group. I was her in. I had to beg my ex and his friends to let me bring her to their parties and have her go on trips with us, because they didn't always want to invite her. As soon as we broke up, they didn't have to invite her any more.

 

My issue overall is her attitude. If a friend of mine came to me and told me she was very uneasy and upset over me having someone at my house for an event, I would apologize genuinely a million times and I would try to do all I can to make the situation better for my friend. You can't disinvite someone and I would never suggest doing that, but I would do something to fix it.

 

She wants to be friends with him and all his friends again so desperately, that she would make sure he comes over me. I almost guarantee it. She plays the victim so much that at the party she would come out and tell my ex, if he showed up, that I didn't want him there. I have nothing against my ex. I still love him. I just don't want to be around him. If he did come and I went, I would be nice. But I would rather not be in the situation to begin with.

 

My ex was sleeping with some girl after we broke up, and if they showed up together I would be crushed, as anyone seeing their ex with another woman after a breakup would be.

 

From your original post, you didn't tell her until you and him were already going on dates.

 

That was your choice. Just like you and Kelly differ in the way you divulge your relationships, you differ in the way you choose to interact with friends. Maybe you're one to play referee between exes, but apparently she's not like that. I don't blame her, it's a pain and you two can referee your own affairs.

 

How exactly were you her 'in' to the group if she was friends with him before you even knew him? I can definitely see you being the reason she is out of the group, though.

 

You're trying to make her seem like a bad friend, but you just said you had to beg your ex to bring your friend along. So basically you dated a guy and hung out with his group of friends who didn't like your best friend? That makes you look like the bad friend honestly since she was your "in" to that group in the first place. You wouldn't have dated him if she hadn't introduced you.

 

Plus, it's just a party. she didn't invite him to your house or your job or somewhere you have to be. If you don't want to see him, don't go. Nobody owes you an apology, it's not her fault you dated her friend and it didn't work out. Had you talked to her about it beforehand, she probably would have told you it wasn't a good idea and you wouldn't be in this situation.

[Lady2163]

Years ago I worked as a sub contractor. I had 46 people who worked for me. 6 supervisors and 40 worker bees. But since we were sub contractors, we answered to the contractors, the company we were sub contracted to and our own company, It was stressful. When I was hired, I worked as a worker bee for two months as they were training me in off hours to take over and hadn't told the person I was taking their job. Only a couple people knew I was going to be the boss. This meant people talked freely around me.

One of the supervisors and I hit it off and he knew I was his new boss. Before it became too serious, we consulted with our immediate boss.

 

I knew that Hank had dated Sara (one of the entry level people) and they were friends. She was a total witch to me during the time I was training. Then she made my life hell when I was in charge. She didn't know Hank and I were dating. Hank's friend did and he assured me, they really hadn't dated, hadn't had a relationship, had just gone out drinking after work a few times.

 

Anyway, I couldn't stand Sara. She would be a total jerk to me and then run to Hank to protect her, which he did until I'd had it with her incompetence. Anyway, whenever our shift would plan something fun to do (my shift ran smoothly and we socialized, had pot lucks, cookouts, movie nights. Etc.) Hank would invite Sara. He and I fought about it and he still did it. So, finally at the last minute, I backed out of an event with a poor excuse. I'm not being a snob, by my absence was noticeable. Sara had pulled a stunt that day and there was no way I was going to spend my free time with her.

 

This boyfriend did other things that undermined me outside of work. He'd flirt shamelessly with waitresses. He'd tell me about women that would hit on him whenever I went to the bathroom or to make a call. He'd have lunch with other women at work.

 

Now, obviously a boyfriend and a best friend aren't the same thing and the relationship is different. But, does she do anything else that sort of cuts you down? Does she undermine you personally or set you up to fall in any other way?

 

I know this is tough, but if you really want her as a friend, then when she has these parties and functions you do need to do what is best for you.

 

I think you should call your ex and lay it out for him. Ask him if it is okay for you to text him and find out if he is going to future functions. Explain to him you just aren't healed enough and you don't want him to not attend, but you want the option of not exposing yourself to him.

 

Cut Kelly out of the equation. Tell her the truth, bluntly. "I've talked to John, he's going to your party, so I'm going to sit this one out. Have fun and let's do something together next week.