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Was my friend overly sensitive, or was I in the wrong?


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Either way the issue has been squashed, as I apologized to her and she accepted it. I honestly think she overreacted more than it being a case of what I said was wrong, but I apologized because I hurt my friend's feelings.

 

Also, people I've spoken to said she overreacted, but I'm curious what Loveshack members think.

 

So at lunch today (yes, we are coworkers. Let's call her Jane), we were sitting in the lounge. There were four of us, and Jane was telling us about one of her students. She said the mom of a student acts like Jane needs to be a second mom. In fact, Jane said, this mom emails Jane asking Jane for mommy advice, essentially. She wants Jane to help her raise this rather difficult child.

 

Now some background: Jane is single, 28 years old, not a mom. Although we are coworkers, I'd call us actual friends in that we interact as friends tend to do and we're very informal with each other. In fact, she often cracks on me, and I do the same. However, she does tend to get more offended about things than I do. I just let things roll off my back.

 

OK, so back to today. After Jane made her mom comment, I chimed in sarcastically, "As if you know what it's like to be a mom."

 

Totally joking, and totally sarcastic.

 

That's when Jane's expression changed. And she said "Excuse me?"

 

I repeated myself.

 

Her face twisted and she said "Are you saying I wouldn't be a good mom?"

 

I told her no and that it was a joke. I was being sarcastic and meant nothing by it.

 

Even one of our colleagues chimed in "He was being sarcastic."

 

But then Jane gave me a disgusted look and said, "I don't think I am going to eat lunch here today."

 

She left.

 

My two other colleagues looked at me like "whoa. awkward." I asked them if I was out of line and none of them said that I was out of line, but that I should apologize and I agreed with that. (I would have apologized even if they didn't suggest it). I know I hit a nerve for whatever reason.

 

So after school I apologized and Jane explained why she was offended. I just have to remember to watch what I say around her because she dishes it well, but doesn't take it back as well. She is sensitive. I have to keep that in mind. She also tends to take whatever "slightly controversial" thing I might say around her and twist it to assume the worst.

 

The craziest thing of all is I *KNOW* she will be an awesome mother one day.

 

I even told her so in my apology. She said she knew I meant no ill will by the comment but that she was offended and felt it was unnecessary. She said she didn't like that I was implying she knows nothing about being a good mother figure or the like. I stood there, listened, nodded and didn't try to make her see it from my POV. There was no need.

 

Just let her have her moment. She seemed happy to have been heard, when all was said and done.

 

Thoughts?

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I don't know enough about your relationship with Jane to know if the comment itself was wrong, but IMO when her expression changed and she said, "Excuse me?" you should've quickly gone the "Naw, just joking" route instead of repeating yourself.

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Does she want to have kids?

 

As a childless woman myself, it HURTS when people tell me that I am totally clueless about children. Whether or not it is true, it sucks to have it held against me when maybe I'm trying to meet the right person to start a family with, or having trouble attracting dates at all, etc.

 

So not only am I not the mother I want to be, I'm having it thrown in my face that I'm less capable than other women because I don't have kids (which I want).

 

TL;DR - it's not funny to make that sort of joke to a childless woman unless you know that she doesn't want kids or is able to laugh about her current undesirably childless status.

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I think the most likely scenario is that since she is a teacher and deals with kids all day, including discipline, that she may think that gives her better than average skills to become a parent. Teachers have to take courses on how to deal with children.

 

If that's not it, if I were you I would just ask her gently, Hon, what did you think I meant by that? Make her elaborate.

 

This parent should be referred to the school counselor if she's getting too dependent on her, I know that. And then maybe the school counselor will suggest parenting classes for the mom.

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You may have thought you were joking but she took it as you weren't joking, it was sarcastic and you were in the wrong. It's just not something one should say to their friend. Just my 2 cents, but it was a bitchy comment to make to her and she reacted to it, rightfully so. And you repeated it twice, that was a mistake.

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That's one of my pet peeves when someone is so ready to dish it out but can't take it when it's handed back to them. If that's the case and they get pissed then you tell them to think before they open their big mouth and say something sarcastic on negative.

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Motherhood is one of those third rail issues. Do not touch.

 

It might be akin to her making a very emasculating joke at your expense.

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Motherhood is a very important thing to her so no she wasn't being overly sensitive. The important thing though is that you aplologized for saying something stupid and made amends. I'm sure she'll forgive you.

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I have a sarcastic sense of humour, so I probably wouldn't be quite as upset as your friend, but I still wouldn't have appreciated that joke. Parenthood is a touchy subject. Unless you know her really well, there could be hot buttons that you don't know about.... maybe she really wishes that she had kids, maybe she's infertile, maybe she had a terrible mother and is afraid that she won't be a good mom, etc. At least now you know for next time.

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It might be akin to her making a very emasculating joke at your expense.

 

She's actually made her fair share of sarcastic comments that takes jabs at me in less-than-kind ways, but I just brush it off because to me it's not a big enough deal to confront her about.

 

So it does annoy me a bit that she is sensitive to my comments when she throws similar jabs at me.

 

We have a brother-sister relationship very much.

 

We're fine now. Back to friendly chatter. Just like always.

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I love sarcasm, but making a sarcastic comment about motherhood with a woman is really treading a fine line. For most women who don't have children, it is a sensitive subject. It would hurt me if someone made that comment to me.

 

I'm sure no harm was intended, but you were right to apologize and you should try to avoid similar comments in the future...

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I think your comment was out of line.

 

Also, what you said wasn't sarcasm. Sarcasm is about using irony or saying the opposite of the truth to get a point across. As she doesn't have mothering experience your comment wasn't ironic or sarcastic. It was rude and dismissive.

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Not to dismiss anyone's opinion here but I do want to say it's interesting that the opinions here differ from those who witnessed it live.

 

I guess posting it here was bound to only garner posts that leaned toward me being in the wrong.

 

The women who witnessed it told me she overreacted more than it was a case of me being out of line.

 

These women speak their mind and would put me in my place if they deemed it so. They didn't. Regardless, the situation reminded me to watch what I say around this coworker.

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Basil, because not knowing me or being in the moment live it's easy to assume my comment was out of line. You're missing my tone, body language, facial expression etc. the women there clearly could see my comment was not of any ill will.

 

As a stranger it's just easier to assume the worst and say oh man you shouldn't have said that.

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She's actually made her fair share of sarcastic comments that takes jabs at me in less-than-kind ways, but I just brush it off because to me it's not a big enough deal to confront her about.

 

So it does annoy me a bit that she is sensitive to my comments when she throws similar jabs at me.

 

We have a brother-sister relationship very much.

 

We're fine now. Back to friendly chatter. Just like always.

 

Are you admitting that you meant it as a jab? What was your intention when you made that comment? I'm asking because I hate it when someone takes a jab at me and then defaults to "just kidding." Just admit that you weren't kidding and that you meant it as an insult.

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Are you admitting that you meant it as a jab? What was your intention when you made that comment? I'm asking because I hate it when someone takes a jab at me and then defaults to "just kidding." Just admit that you weren't kidding and that you meant it as an insult.

 

Why do I have to admit something that wasn't my intention? It was just a spur of the moment comment that I make around friends. Just cracking jokes and not being too serious about everything. Besides, I do believe she will be a great mom so there was zero ill will or jabbing intended with that comment.

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Why do I have to admit something that wasn't my intention? It was just a spur of the moment comment that I make around friends. Just cracking jokes and not being too serious about everything. Besides, I do believe she will be a great mom so there was zero ill will or jabbing intended with that comment.

 

I was asking you if you meant it as a jab. If you didn't, then you have nothing to feel bad about. Just let her know you didn't mean it like that. But in one of your posts, you were talking about how she takes jabs too and it sounded like you guys were going tit-for-tat.

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Also, what you said wasn't sarcasm. Sarcasm is about using irony or saying the opposite of the truth to get a point across. As she doesn't have mothering experience your comment wasn't ironic or sarcastic. It was rude and dismissive.

 

Yeah, now that you mention it, the comment wasn't sarcastic. I could see it as perhaps mocking the parent... it does seem a bit silly to ask a nonparent for parenting advice, unless that person happens to spend lots of time around kids.

 

OP, I'm guessing that you were trying to make fun of the parent, not your friend?

Edited by SpiralOut
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