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what kind of advice can I offer him??


chumly

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Sorry about the typo in the title ...it was supposed to say.."what kind of advice can I offer him??" lol

 

I am trying to figure out good advice to offer a friend of mine that sent an email to me today regarding the status of their relationship. I was wondering if anybody has any suggestions on something good I can say to this person in response to this message....

 

 

 

"New relationship is NOT working. I was so smitten that I ignored the signs for the last 2 weeks.

Today I saw the reality of the hopelessness of “Us.”

It doesn’t matter if we love each other, there is no way we can share our lives.

And, now that I see that, I also see if hindsight how closed minded she is. I chose to not see it. She is very against churches. I don’t believe most of them but I love the people at mine and we are all as non-judgmental as humans can be.

Every time I try to talk to her about my church, she goes into a rant against all churches.

She is also very condescending and know-it-all about many things.

I am heartbroken but at least I woke up only 2 weeks in."

 

 

 

I am trying to think of some good advice to offer him and thought I would try asking on here since I have gotten such terrific advise on here myself. Thanks in advance for any suggestions.:D

Edited by chumly
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Perspective.

 

It is only two weeks and in a years time he will have forgotten her name.

 

Compatibility.

 

He can see clearly that they are not at all compatible.

 

So its not the woman he mourns its the hope. Tell him to keep going and keep hoping.

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When we meet someone and that magic feeling kicks in, we always begin to create an image of them, of us, of how our lives will be together. We plan ahead and picture everything being perfect. Pretty soon, all those positive hopes and plans start to take over reality and we even begin to ignore any negatives or red flags. By the time the negatives flare up, that person is so high up on the pedestal we built for them, that we find it so hard to accept who they really are - as the fantasy of who we want them to be is much more powerful. This can lead to us not wanting to let go. We convince ourselves that we can change them, make them the person we want them to be. We even believe we are saving them in some way. It's only through lots of time apart and no contact that we begin to see reality again and slowly accept that the person they were, was not the person we were in love with.

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I actually used some of your advice Toodaloo and copy and pasted your advice too smudge21.

 

I hope you guys dont mind that i did that. I said that it was advice i was given online and that I think it would really help him:D

 

Thanks again;)

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Its always easy on the outside looking in. Never easy when its you and you have to deal with it.

 

very true...thanks Toodaloo:bunny:

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Tell him that's what dating is for. I mean, you can't go into dating someone as if it is headed toward marriage. We spend time to get to know the person. She isn't the right one for him and be glad he found out soon.

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Thanks everyone again...he actually told me that the advice I copied from smudge21 and Toodaloo was right on! Seemed to have really helped him. Thanks again:)

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Thanks everyone for all the helpful advice on what to tell my friend, I know it seemed to help him at the time.:bunny:

 

The funny thing is that I never met this man in real life but only know him online. Anyway, I guess he broke up with this woman tonight because I suddenly got the following email from him....

 

 

[i]OK.

On the phone tonight, She got into telling me I was wrong about stupid **** and the real deal was she wasn’t listening to what I was saying in the first place and telling me I was wrong about something I wasn’t even saying. So, instead of just taking it, I called her on it and she got really snooty then and told me everything that was wrong with me and then hung up on me.

So. I was done with it. Totally done.

I called her back and she didn’t answer so I left a message saying, “It is really sad and unfortunate for both of us that you just hung up on me. “

So she sent me a text breaking up with me.

The best thing she could have done for me. Now I don’t have to feel guilty at all. She did it to herself. I loved her for real but she had to f**k it up.

I am actually grateful that I can now move on and find someone that is not a mental case. Hopefully.

I see how I can fall for someone like that.

Ah ha! I got it. I fall too fast. When I meet someone I like a lot (next time) I need to say, “Whoa buddy. Put that heart back in the box until you find out who and what you are dealing with. There be crazy people out here.”

Who is in such a damn hurry? I ain’t dying in the next 5 days so I got time. Right?

Like, yougottalovemerightnowandIgottaloveyoucauseIaintgotmuchtimeleft! Hurry!!!!!

…and throw me some sex, quick. It might be my last chance!!!!

(Oh **** she’s crazy and I just said I Love You ohGod! Now how am I going to get rid of her without breaking her heart?)

(I know. I’ll hang around until she breaks my heart. It’s bound to happen sooner or later, right?)

 

OK. I am hopefully done with being crazy myself because like attracts like, right?

I’m going to look on the internet for sanity lessons. Maybe I’ll have better luck.

 

I am not going to cry. I am not going to cry.

That is why I did not call you tonight. If I told you all of this on the phone, I probably would have cried.

Not worth it. I am better off.

I feel better already.

Thanks,[/i]

 

I quickly sent a fast response back since I was about to start work and was not really sure how else to respond at the time, anyway, the following was my response to him...

 

[i]R,

I am about to start my work shift now but just wanted to quickly say how sorry that I am that you are in so much pain right now.

Trust me when I tell you that you are going to be OK! I really mean that. Nothing wrong with crying if you need to and there is nothing wrong with you either. You were just not right for each other.

Hang in there!!!

Get back with you more soon.

 

virtual hugs[/i]

 

Do you think my quick response was good? and can others make any suggestions on what further advice I can offer him on this? Toodaloos and Smudges words seemed to work last time really well. I am wondering if I can get some further words of wisdom from the brilliant members of this forum once again. Thanks so much :bunny:

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by the way, he DOES get too head over heals too fast and I think it is a bit strange that he is claiming that he loves this woman since he has only known her for 2 weeks. He is not a spring chicken either and I know that I am probaby noone to talk but some of his thought process kind of seems like that of a child to me. I dont know if others see or think this too.

 

Anyway, I am trying to think of some other good advice I can give him. Still open to any thoughts on this. Thanks again:)

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I am still trying to think of something really good to say..something similar to Toodaloos and smudges suggestions last time:bunny:

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by the way, he DOES get too head over heals too fast and I think it is a bit strange that he is claiming that he loves this woman since he has only known her for 2 weeks. He is not a spring chicken either and I know that I am probaby noone to talk but some of his thought process kind of seems like that of a child to me. I dont know if others see or think this too.

 

Anyway, I am trying to think of some other good advice I can give him. Still open to any thoughts on this. Thanks again:)

 

WHY are YOU getting involved here?

Tell him to join LS himself for advice if that is what he wants.

 

However there are many ways to get a woman interested and playing the victim to elicit the sympathy vote is a tried and tested route.

Be wary, he does sound a bit crazy.

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WHY are YOU getting involved here?

Tell him to join LS himself for advice if that is what he wants.

 

However there are many ways to get a woman interested and playing the victim to elicit the sympathy vote is a tried and tested route.

Be wary, he does sound a bit crazy.

 

I have to admit that this post to me was a bit of an eye opener into his mindset. He actually may be more disturbed than I originally thought or realized. He is a very attractive older man so I am sure he has no problem originally attracting women but he cant keep them interested very long because his looks are about all he has going for him...I think he might have some kind of psychological issues. I actually feel very sorry for him because I think he is very lonely.

 

I dont know why but I guess I want to help him because he is a fellow human being in pain. Thanks:eek:

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I find it funny in a typical "we've all done it" sort of way, when he says he's done, then calls her back. I think this place has it's fair share of people who have been "done" with the ex, only to make contact seconds later. It happens. That's the thing with love and emotions, and something your friend should realise. As much as he thinks he's in control and can be in control, this experience surely is a reminder that when it comes to falling for someone, we're in no way sat in the drivers seat. We're barely in the f**king car, just holding onto it as it swerves in any direction it likes and reaches a destination that we may not want it to go. Basically we fall for someone, when we fall for someone.

 

Also, stop fighting his battles and tell him sign up here. We're not that scary... well, Toodaloo is a bit, but only between Monday and Sunday.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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I find it funny in a typical "we've all done it" sort of way, when he says he's done, then calls her back. I think this place has it's fair share of people who have been "done" with the ex, only to make contact seconds later. It happens. That's the thing with love and emotions, and something your friend should realise. As much as he thinks he's in control and can be in control, this experience surely is a reminder that when it comes to falling for someone, we're in no way sat in the drivers seat. We're barely in the f**king car, just holding onto it as it swerves in any direction it likes and reaches a destination that we may not want it to go. Basically we fall for someone, when we fall for someone.

 

Also, stop fighting his battles and tell him sign up here. We're not that scary... well, Toodaloo is a bit, but only between Monday and Sunday.

 

 

very true! thanks:bunny:

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