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Why is friendship so complicated?


pinkiguana

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Sorry this is so long :(

 

Something about me: I am an introvert and don't let people get close easily or quickly. I am selective of but deeply loyal to friends. Good friends often tell me I should open up a little, give people a chance and I may be surprised. That's what I did with T and I'm not liking the surprise part one bit.

 

Through an acquaintance, T and I "met" online. What was supposed to be a one-off exchange for some questions he had swiftly developed into a thought-provoking, interesting and engaging email/ chat friendship, which I valued and appreciated. So a few months later, when he said he would be in town as part of his solo cross-country trip and was looking to bunk somewhere, I offered him my couch. You'd be thinking this contradicts my self-description above. I think with T, my guard was down because he's a lot younger than me (I'm in my mid 30s, he's in his mid 20s), and I had grown fond and even a little protective of him as one would a precocious kid brother. When there are no romantic possibilities, things are easy and uncomplicated, right?

 

T stayed for about a week and we settled in like old friends. It was comfortable and enjoyable, with long meals and late nights just chatting about everything. I can only speak for myself though, considering what happened after that.

 

Something about T: He was flirty, in a frat-boy way no woman over 25 would take seriously so it didn't bother me. He was never inappropriate but was very affectionate and touchy-feely, always hugging me and planting quick kisses on my cheeks and head. In hindsight maybe too affectionate, but at the time I thought ah, he's just a sweet boy. That is, until his final night at my place, when he tried to kiss me proper. Nothing too awkward, I just turned away slowly and kissed him on the cheek instead, while giving him a bear hug and telling him how much I've enjoyed spending time with him. I don't like leading guys on, and I prefer to spare everyone involved any embarrassment. That was not unkind, was it?

 

He went on his way and for a week after that we were still chatting normally, almost. He would tell me about his adventures and work it into the conversation to teasingly ask if I had feelings for him or missed him. And then overnight, he became distant and I felt I saw signs of being brushed off, so I stopped responding after a while.

 

Now, in a dating situation I would have left it and walked away with my pride intact. However, as just friends, I thought we should be honest and not have so much ego involved. So after more than a week of silence, I sent him a short email saying I've missed him and talking to him, would he let me know when he's home after the trip? If he doesn't reply, I will just sadly accept he doesn't want to be friends.

 

Big mistake. It took him another few days to reply, and he gave me the mother of all brush-offs, which not only hurt me more but was deeply insulting. He actually said he his phone broke and he will let me know his new number, bye. Oh, T. I am not some bright-eyed young lass you chat up. That's the line I use when I don't want to give my number to sleazy men. I will never hear from him again and this time I will walk away.

 

What happened here?

 

A) I was nothing more than free accommodation. Now that's over, he doesn't need to waste time talking to me, or

B) I was a potential conquest on the road he could tell anecdotes about. Now that's not going to happen, he doesn't need to waste time talking to me, or

C) I was so boring and repulsive when he met me in person, plus a worse host than Norman Bates. Now that he has escaped, he doesn't need to waste time talking to me?

 

I haven't been so hurt in a long time. What is so horrible about me that he won't even be friends with me?

 

This is a self reminder to not let people get close so soon again :( thanks for letting me vent.

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a) You were a potential encounter and that backfired.

b) You *were* free accommodation.

c) You are invested far more in the friendship than he is.

 

Remember, he IS younger and for guys that age, friendships without sex with women are an anomaly.

 

Sorry you are hurt, but you put yourself out there more emotionally than he did.

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Remember, he IS younger and for guys that age, friendships without sex with women are an anomaly.

 

Sorry you are hurt, but you put yourself out there more emotionally than he did.

 

Thanks Carrie. I guess in that regard I am extremely lucky to have a few great platonic male friends who have been there since my late-teens and we have seen each other through different episodes in our love lives. (And man do I need something positive about human nature to hold on to right now)

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What happened is he liked you for more than friends and you rejected him, so now he's walking away because it's awkward and most guys don't want to just be friends. He didn't use you at all.

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