Groom doesn't like the Maid of Honor

[JewelD]

Long story short, my best friend of almost 7 years is getting married and asked me to be the maid of honor.

 

The issue: her fiancee. They've only been dating for a year and I've been away at school so I've never met him or spoken to him directly. However, my best friend called me a few months ago about an argument they had, during which he told her that I was not a good friend because I wasnt liking their photos on fb.

 

This annoyed me simply bc it's fb and no one cares. That's not how you measure friendship.

 

I won't go into detail, but I know she can do way better and I'm sure she knows it, too, but this is what she wants so I certainly didn't intend to try and stop their marriage.

 

So she asked me to be the maid of honor, which surprised me bc I was sure he would have told her not to, but on one condition. She wants me to message him on fb and let him know that I don't hate him and to welcome him into the family.

 

I told her I would do it because she was upset and I honestly don't hate the dude, but it feels awkward and strange.

 

There would have been no tension whatsoever had he not insinuated I was a bad friend bc of not liking photos on fb. and even then, I never relayed any insults or messages to him about it. So I told my friend, why can't you just tell him that we are best friends and that I don't hate him? You're his fiancee, he should trust and believe you.

 

But she said he wouldn't believe it unless I said it. and I'm like how?? We don't even know each other! For all he knows, I'm lying through my teeth.

 

Anyway, I just think the whole fb message thing is weird. Our only connection is my friend, so I honestly feel like it's her duty to facilitate the relationships between her friends and her fiancee. If it were me in the situation, I wouldn't put it on her to reach out to my fiancee, whom she has never spoken to or laid eyes on, and expect her to assure him that she likes him.

 

I'll probably figure something out and message him, but I am rather annoyed that she's putting me in the position to basically ask her fiancee for permission to be in the wedding. Maybe this will sound bad, but having been a bridesmaid before, it's more of an honor for the bride rather than the women she chooses to be in her party. It's a bit of responsibility to take on and $$$ and it's just a bit offputting to be asked to be a maid of honor and then be told to ask permission to be the maid of honor.

[Gloria25]

Oh wow, sounds like you need a new gf.

 

She sounds very childish and with an attitude like hers, she's rhe last person ready for the responsibilities and maturity that is required to get married.

 

So, she wants you to like silly fotos on Fakebook and lie that you like her fiancé? Well, there you go, just like the other idiots out there eloping left and right, it's all about the "image". They want their silly pictures in tuxes and white dresses and have no clue about being husband/wife...and, they want an audience.

 

If it were me, I'd "de friend" this flibertygibbet in real life and on Fakebook

[JewelD]

Oh wow, sounds like you need a new gf.

 

She sounds very childish and with an attitude like hers, she's rhe last person ready for the responsibilities and maturity that is required to get married.

 

So, she wants you to like silly fotos on Fakebook and lie that you like her fiancé? Well, there you go, just like the other idiots out there eloping left and right, it's all about the "image". They want their silly pictures in tuxes and white dresses and have no clue about being husband/wife...and, they want an audience.

 

If it were me, I'd "de friend" this flibertygibbet in real life and on Fakebook

 

Well, she tried to tell him that the fb likes mean nothing. and she hasn't asked me to start liking photos or say I necessarily like him, but she wants me to be a bit more comforting and welcoming towards him than I feel is necessary.

 

She has a good head on her shoulders usually but, like I've noticed with a lot of my friends, she gets really wrapped up in her relationships and doesn't think clearly. It's annoying as hell bc she does and puts up with things from this guy that she would call me out on in a second if I acted the same way in my relationship.

 

She was very vocal about her dislike of my ex boyfriend and he knew about it. But he also understood why she felt that way and he knew she was my best friend. So even after that, me and my bf went to visit her and her bf (not the groom) and stayed for a weekend. Everything was very civil and fun. I don't see why it can't be the same way at the wedding, especially since I have never said I hated the groom or anything.

[preraph]

Sounds to me like he's not mature enough to be getting married and not sure I'd enable that. Think I'd tell her to find another.

[heartfeltlove]

How old are the prospective bride and groom...?

[todreaminblue]

seems very childish and insecure on hsi behalf and yoru friends honestly....i am going to diifer here though and say just message him...with a wish them well and maybe that you are happy your friend has found happiness with him...its about your friend's day and if it makes it a happy day for her and her groom...

 

the one message written will not hurt you and it wont be as hard as you feel it will to wish them well.....because thats probably honestly what you want for them...im not saying fawn all over him and tell him he is the best thing since sliced bread...but an honest good tiding....would not be painful for you or awkward to write....keep it wedding specific...

 

 

face book is the devil by the way.......all i mainly do is fill it with motivtional and positive posts....hardly ever anything too personal or about my every day.....most people dont have such a "like my post or else you dont like me atttitude"..i do find it a childish and insecure way for him to be...maybe he has had direct oppostion though to the mrriage and that has made him insecure....who knows.........smilin...good luck...deb

[JewelD]

Sounds to me like he's not mature enough to be getting married and not sure I'd enable that. Think I'd tell her to find another.

 

Something is very off about him. and he's been violent with her in the past. I tried to tell her she deserved better a long time ago but you know how some women can be about their men. They don't care what anyone else has to say so I just dropped it.

 

How old are the prospective bride and groom...?

 

She's 25 and he's about 30 I believe.

 

seems very childish and insecure on hsi behalf and yoru friends honestly....i am going to diifer here though and say just message him...with a wish them well and maybe that you are happy your friend has found happiness with him...its about your friend's day and if it makes it a happy day for her and her groom...

 

the one message written will not hurt you and it wont be as hard as you feel it will to wish them well.....because thats probably honestly what you want for them...im not saying fawn all over him and tell him he is the best thing since sliced bread...but an honest good tiding....would not be painful for you or awkward to write....keep it wedding specific...

 

 

face book is the devil by the way.......all i mainly do is fill it with motivtional and positive posts....hardly ever anything too personal or about my every day.....most people dont have such a "like my post or else you dont like me atttitude"..i do find it a childish and insecure way for him to be...maybe he has had direct oppostion though to the mrriage and that has made him insecure....who knows.........smilin...good luck...deb

 

I was going to go through with it but I realized how much it annoyed me that she would ask me to do something so silly. and I felt like if anything, he should have apologized to me a long time ago for trying to tell her I was a bad friend in the first place.

 

and then I just realized I don't support their marriage and I don't think it will end well. she's a different person with him than the person who was my best friend.

 

So I told her that I couldn't do it for financial reasons since my sister's wedding is the month before. She said 'okay', but I could tell she knew I wasn't being completely honest. and I felt really bad about it.

 

So I sent her a text and explained to her that I wanted to be in her wedding and that I had considered lying to her bf for her but that it bothered me that he would require that of her. He's the husband, he should be willing to stop being insecure for one second so his fiancee can have the people she wants in her wedding.

 

They should have discussed it together and decided on if they were okay with me being the maid of honor. It's not right to ask me to do it and then tell me I also need to do X if I want to be there. He has brainwashed her into believing this is a normal situation. I told her that she's like family to me and I care about her and want her to be happy but this is petty as hell.

 

So she responded and said that she understands but that our friendship is going to change and she's not happy about my decision.

 

and I'm like, really?? You have known him for a year, we've been friends for 7! She's willing to screw up our friendship over a wedding that might not even happen for a relationship that's very new and probably won't last much longer anyway?

 

Idk if I will even get an invite at this point but I don't really want to go anymore anyway.

 

She's not a bad friend but we haven't seen each other in over two years and we usually only talk when something dramatic has happened. So i guess that's the end of that.

[Standard-Fare]

Everything here runs deeper than some stupid Facebook misunderstandings.

 

I promise that the groom's perception of you is not narrowly limited to that sole incident. You've expressed disapproval of him in the past, both directly and I'm sure indirectly. Your friend knows you don't love the idea of him. I'm sure the groom has picked up on that, whether it's just a bad vibe he senses or your friend has actually had conversations with him about it.

 

By asking you to do the FB favor, your friend was asking you to show general support of the marriage so her groom feels more comfortable. It's even possible SHE needed that more than him. It was your call whether to play nice, or to let these tensions flare up more. You chose the latter.

 

And that's fine - I actually totally agree with your decision to bow out of maid of honor duties here. But this whole thing of pinning everything on FB is ridiculous, for all parties involved. You guys are just using that as a concrete thing to blame, to avoid addressing the real issues.

[heartfeltlove]

I have to agree with you, knowing him for a year and marrying him? I'm afraid this doesn't have "long-run" stamped all over it. And guess who she will contact when things begin to fall apart? I know it's hard, but try to be compassionate. She is going to need you in a while; maybe sooner than you think. Be open, but protect your heart from being used. The temptation will be to say "I told you so". I guess you would definitely be forgiven for saying "You made your bed, my friend, now lie in it...."

[JewelD]

Everything here runs deeper than some stupid Facebook misunderstandings.

 

I promise that the groom's perception of you is not narrowly limited to that sole incident. You've expressed disapproval of him in the past, both directly and I'm sure indirectly. Your friend knows you don't love the idea of him. I'm sure the groom has picked up on that, whether it's just a bad vibe he senses or your friend has actually had conversations with him about it.

 

By asking you to do the FB favor, your friend was asking you to show general support of the marriage so her groom feels more comfortable. It's even possible SHE needed that more than him. It was your call whether to play nice, or to let these tensions flare up more. You chose the latter.

 

And that's fine - I actually totally agree with your decision to bow out of maid of honor duties here. But this whole thing of pinning everything on FB is ridiculous, for all parties involved. You guys are just using that as a concrete thing to blame, to avoid addressing the real issues.

 

She generally only calls me (in the past year) to talk about something he or his family has done that she doesn't like. So of course if your friend is calling and saying her bf cracked her cell phone and punched a hole in the wall, you would advise her to get out of that unhealthy environment. Other than that, I never went out of my way to say I don't like him because I don't know him and she does what she wants anyway. We only talk like once or twice a month.

 

I asked her if she told him anything I said, and she said never. Idk if or why she would lie but I believe she didn't just because she would have to tell him that she's been telling me all of the awful things he's done to her. and she wouldn't tell on herself.

 

I'm very transparent, she knows how I feel and she knows why. I don't think she would ask me to approach him just to prove something to herself. She would have just asked me. Or decided I wouldn't be in the wedding. She's got 4 other bridesmaids to choose from who have actually met him.

 

It sounds stupid that it's about fb, but her fiancee is truly nuts from what she's told me so I don't have an issue believing it. He got mad at her one day and went to her parents' house while she was at work to tell them what she had done (she had said something mean about his family). he's never had a relationship before her and he was living with his mother before they met.

 

and his parents have some sort of mental disorder to the point where my friend thought they were mentally retarded and went to a geneticist to see if there was a possibility their children would have some sort of disorder passed down from his family.

 

and his mother tried to murder him when he was a child and he had to live with his grandfather a few years before he moved back with his mother. Basically 20,000 red flags in a row. Something is clearly not right with him but she wants a family so she will do whatever he wants it seems.

[todreaminblue]

In your opening post you stated you had nothing against the guy other than the face book thing ...you said you hadnt met him ...you dont know him at all..further posts are a bit confusing....byfurther posts you know intimate details about him and his family and hsi habits and short comings....you have an obvious judgement and dislike of the guy yet in your opening post you said it would have been ok had he not said you were a bad friend....and your gf didnt ask you to message him

 

 

it is best from what you have added that you dont go to the wedding if you cannot support her choices....all you know of this guy though is second hand news and information that may be a bit over the top.....in times of stress or argument was confided to you......

 

from what you have written further this friend does not seem that important to you anyway......so you made the right choice for you .....i wish you well....deb

[JewelD]

In your opening post you stated you had nothing against the guy other than the face book thing ...you said you hadnt met him ...you dont know him at all..further posts are a bit confusing....byfurther posts you know intimate details about him and his family and hsi habits and short comings....you have an obvious judgement and dislike of the guy yet in your opening post you said it would have been ok had he not said you were a bad friend....and your gf didnt ask you to message him

 

 

it is best from what you have added that you dont go to the wedding if you cannot support her choices....all you know of this guy though is second hand news and information that may be a bit over the top.....in times of stress or argument was confided to you......

 

from what you have written further this friend does not seem that important to you anyway......so you made the right choice for you .....i wish you well....deb

 

These are things she told me about him. I thought it was a fked up situation for her but I didn't care to the point of trying to stop it or actively hating him. All of her bf's treat her like crap at some point, but they never said anything negative about me or our friendship so we all got along. That's what made this situation different, he's causing issues in our friendship.

 

I have never met him or spoken to him. Had we met at some point, it would have been fine, if she's okay with accepting how he treats her, who am I to care or complain louder than her?

 

I only dislike him now because his insecurity has come between me and my friend. and even now, I still dont hate him bc he's mostly fking things up for her rather than me. You gotta know somebody to have legit hatred for them.

 

I provided the background information just to show examples of why I think he's not right in the head and why facebook was able to convince him to start this drama in the first place.

[Standard-Fare]

I still believe the groom's beef with you goes deeper than FB.

 

I think he must know that you've been a sounding board for your friend to address some problems in the relationship. Whether he's overheard some conversations, overseen a text or email, or he's just intuitive about it.

 

But you also shouldn't be so quick to rule out the possibility that your friend has - maybe in the heat of anger with him - dropped something like "My friend [you] thinks this behavior is sh*tty, too!" That type of thing does happen.

 

The groom wouldn't have noticed or cared that you weren't liking photos on FB unless he had some reason to be wary of you in the first place. He probably wouldn't have had much interest in you at all, really - what BF cares much about his GF's unseen female best friend until some sort of drama gets in his face?

Edited August 11, 2016 by Standard-Fare

[preraph]

Tell her you'll do it on the condition she go talk to a counselor at a domestic violence shelter. Because she's making a huge mistake. He is going to isolate her from her friends.

[JewelD]

I still believe the groom's beef with you goes deeper than FB.

 

I think he must know that you've been a sounding board for your friend to address some problems in the relationship. Whether he's overheard some conversations, overseen a text or email, or he's just intuitive about it.

 

But you also shouldn't be so quick to rule out the possibility that your friend has - maybe in the heat of anger with him - dropped something like "My friend [you] thinks this behavior is sh*tty, too!" That type of thing does happen.

 

The groom wouldn't have noticed or cared that you weren't liking photos on FB unless he had some reason to be wary of you in the first place. He probably wouldn't have had much interest in you at all, really - what BF cares much about his GF's unseen female best friend until some sort of drama gets in his face?

 

That's the entire point, he's nuts. and the fb discussion between them was fairly early on before she was really telling me much about him. Even if he did hear or see things I said, he also had to have seen what she was telling me about him. If he was a normal person he would say, well, of course your friend doesn't like me, you told her I threw your phone at the wall.

 

Certainly he wouldn't require a fb message from me to make him think I liked him if he had concrete evidence otherwise. He's probably threatened because we've been friends for so long, he doesn't know me, and deep down, he knows she's too good for him. Which is why he asked to marry her after only a year. He's so afraid of losing her that he comes up with these nutty theories of people trying to sabotage their relationship if they are not fawning over him.

 

If he had any legit reason to think I 'hated' him, he would be trying to reach out to me for his fiancee's happiness, not sitting around waiting for a fb message that he knows she asked me to write.

 

Why would a bf care about his gf's friend's fb activity? That's the question. And of course, why would a bf require a fb message confirming that he is not 'hated' from someone he has never met or spoken to in life?

 

If I thought my fiancee's friend didn't like me and I had seen proof, he wouldn't be in the wedding, point blank. I wouldn't tell my fiancee to ask him to send me a message saying otherwise. Unless I had no actual proof and I was just being insecure and paranoid.

[JewelD]

Tell her you'll do it on the condition she go talk to a counselor at a domestic violence shelter. Because she's making a huge mistake. He is going to isolate her from her friends.

 

She would never do that though. She lost both her parents at a young age so she is wanting to start her own family. By any means necessary, even marrying a bum. Her last relationship of 4 yrs ended with him cheating on her. I think she has convinced herself she loves this guy because he has very little self esteem and is obsessed with her and their relationship.

 

She thinks he wouldn't cheat on her, and he probably wouldn't just because no one else would want him. I think the only friend he will isolate her from is me. After the whole violent episode where he punched a hole in the wall and broke her phone, I asked my friend what her other friends had to say about the incident. They told her it wasn't a big deal! Which wasn't too surprising, her other friends seem like dumb broads who are used to their men breaking their stuff and hitting them.

 

I'm the only one who told her, hey, that's fcked up, maybe you should leave before you end up on an episode of Dateline. It worries me a little bit because she's usually not this stupid. You can talk to her about anything, but never a man. She just won't listen.

 

But I'm not going to be the maid of honor or even attend probably. It really pissed me off that she said our friendship wouldn't be the same just because I said 'no'.

 

Women who date crazy ass men should just buy a journal and write all of their complaints and **** talking there (or even here!) so that way, they won't be acting all surprised when none of their friends or family like him bc they've heard too many horror stories about him.

[preraph]

Well, she had some nerve asking you to make up with him when he's the one who's trying to be a jerk about you. And I have to tell you, she's a total uncaring idiot for wanting to have kids with this violent man just because she wants to replace her family. She's dumb as a box of rocks, and I would not be a party to that. If I hung around at all after this, it would only be so I'd be privy to further violence in the house once they had kids and report that to Child Protective Services.

[JewelD]

so I haven't spoken to my 'friend' since I told her I wasn't going to be in her wedding. The conversation didn't end with "I'm not your friend anymore!", but there was tension. Still, we were friends on fb. I had unfollowed her a long time ago just bc she posts a lot of dumb mess and was tagging me in certain things I didn't want my colleagues and professors to see.

 

So I see today that she deleted me as a friend entirely. It must have been in the last two weeks, although we haven't spoken in about a month. Just from our previous convo's, I know fb is a big deal to her.

 

I figured it was headed that way anyway, but I'm taking this as an official unfriending in real life as well. If you're willing to throw away a 7 year friendship over a wedding to some dude you haven't even known that long, so be it.

 

A lesson for girlfriends everywhere: If a man doesn't like your friends but YOU do, get rid of him, not your friends.

[preraph]

so I haven't spoken to my 'friend' since I told her I wasn't going to be in her wedding. The conversation didn't end with "I'm not your friend anymore!", but there was tension. Still, we were friends on fb. I had unfollowed her a long time ago just bc she posts a lot of dumb mess and was tagging me in certain things I didn't want my colleagues and professors to see.

 

So I see today that she deleted me as a friend entirely. It must have been in the last two weeks, although we haven't spoken in about a month. Just from our previous convo's, I know fb is a big deal to her.

 

I figured it was headed that way anyway, but I'm taking this as an official unfriending in real life as well. If you're willing to throw away a 7 year friendship over a wedding to some dude you haven't even known that long, so be it.

 

A lesson for girlfriends everywhere: If a man doesn't like your friends but YOU do, get rid of him, not your friends.

 

You're well rid of her. Imagine having to eye witness the carnage once there's children involved. I have to say a lot of guys resent their girlfriend's friends. And then if they don't, they are probably wanting to sleep with them. I'm trying to think of exceptions to this and I'm sure there are some, but....

[JewelD]

You're well rid of her. Imagine having to eye witness the carnage once there's children involved. I have to say a lot of guys resent their girlfriend's friends. And then if they don't, they are probably wanting to sleep with them. I'm trying to think of exceptions to this and I'm sure there are some, but....

 

Yeah. Looking back on the entire friendship, there were some good moments, but overall she wasn't a pleasant person. It became more clear over the years as I started to change. The way we talked in college was fun back then but she's still in that negative mindset and I just couldn't relate to it half the time, but I kept on pretending since we had been friends for so long.

 

I didn't lose much in this situation so that's a bonus!

[SpiralOut]

It says something about her state of mind, that all her other friends are that way. Birds of a feather flock together, as the saying goes.

 

It sounds like you are the only level-headed person she knows. Probably he picked up on that instinctively, just from the way she talked about you. You're a threat to him because you're the only one who can see through his BS.

 

It's too bad that things ended the way they did.