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Ex is dying of cancer and wants to see me


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I dated a man from the time was 16 until I was 23. He was 9 years older than me, and we had a great relationship. He was my first real boyfriend, and he taught me a lot about myself and the world.

The last year we were together was strained and he introduced me to the man who would later become my husband. He and I were going in different directions and he needed to settle down for his son from a previous relationship that was born just after we had started dating.

 

We decided it would be best to end things and I started to date the man he introduced me to. He found out and flipped he started saying he was going to beat my boyfriend up and I was "his girl". Our friendship never recovered. For awhile we could be civil, but in recent years when he sees me, he doesn't acknowledge my presence.

His brother and my brother work together and are friends and his father is still friends with my parents as well. So we see each other often.

 

He was diagnosed with cancer about a year ago, and I was told he is now on his deathbed and wants to see me. He was very important to me still even after what we went through. There's no way I would be where I am today without him.

 

Should I go see him?

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I dated a man from the time was 16 until I was 23. He was 9 years older than me, and we had a great relationship. He was my first real boyfriend, and he taught me a lot about myself and the world.

The last year we were together was strained and he introduced me to the man who would later become my husband. He and I were going in different directions and he needed to settle down for his son from a previous relationship that was born just after we had started dating.

 

We decided it would be best to end things and I started to date the man he introduced me to. He found out and flipped he started saying he was going to beat my boyfriend up and I was "his girl". Our friendship never recovered. For awhile we could be civil, but in recent years when he sees me, he doesn't acknowledge my presence.

His brother and my brother work together and are friends and his father is still friends with my parents as well. So we see each other often.

 

He was diagnosed with cancer about a year ago, and I was told he is now on his deathbed and wants to see me. He was very important to me still even after what we went through. There's no way I would be where I am today without him.

 

Should I go see him?

 

Ask your conscience.

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I would see him.

 

It's a situation where compassion has to be applied.

Edited by Satu
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ChocolateRain
I dated a man from the time was 16 until I was 23. He was 9 years older than me, and we had a great relationship. He was my first real boyfriend, and he taught me a lot about myself and the world.

The last year we were together was strained and he introduced me to the man who would later become my husband. He and I were going in different directions and he needed to settle down for his son from a previous relationship that was born just after we had started dating.

 

We decided it would be best to end things and I started to date the man he introduced me to. He found out and flipped he started saying he was going to beat my boyfriend up and I was "his girl". Our friendship never recovered. For awhile we could be civil, but in recent years when he sees me, he doesn't acknowledge my presence.

His brother and my brother work together and are friends and his father is still friends with my parents as well. So we see each other often.

 

He was diagnosed with cancer about a year ago, and I was told he is now on his deathbed and wants to see me. He was very important to me still even after what we went through. There's no way I would be where I am today without him.

 

Should I go see him?

 

There is a saying ....you should never deny a dying Man's wish ... and personally i feel it is important .

 

Very touching story you have ...

 

but you have to decide if you can handle it or not ...blessings to this man

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Another problem for me is in recent years he's told people I "did a number on him" when no such thing happened!!! We agreed it was best to end it. I never lied, I never cheated, we just agreed we should end it. people still ask my husband and I if we had an affair when nothing like that ever happened.

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If he wants to see you that means you are important to him and if you didn't go to see him you will probably feel bad about it after he is gone. It would be the best if you could go to see him without having to hide it from your husband, would that be possible?

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The choice is yours but like others said... if you don't go, will you always wonder if you should have?

 

Don't do it secretly though, tell your husband about it beforehand.

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Should I go see him?

Yes and forget everything he said. He was hurt and very soon he won't be around anymore.

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He was very important to me still even after what we went through. There's no way I would be where I am today without him.

 

Sounds like a couple pretty good reasons to show up, to me anyway. IME, a few gentle words and listening should do the trick.

 

If I got a similar call from my exW, though I wouldn't expect to, no problem. I'd go.

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I agree you should go (you'd feel guilty about it the rest of your life if you didn't), but be prepared to possibly get shredded. It's more likely I think that he'll want some sort of peaceful resolution but it could also be he just wants to knock you down before he goes. Depends a lot on the basic mindset ....some ppl live for revenge, others are able to let stuff go.

 

(It's good to be prepared for that bc you really shouldn't run out, and you really shouldn't fight him. Just take your lumps if it goes that way, which is easier to do if you know they might be coming.)

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I'd ask him why he wants to see you. Unless he tells you that it's to apologise, I wouldn't go. Either that, or go and walk out if he is hurtful.

 

It may be harsh of me, but the fact that someone is dying doesn't give them the right to say mean stuff to you.

Edited by basil67
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Yes, I vote go. You have nothing to lose except peace of mind if you don't. More importantly, you have something to give and learn...don't be afraid to.

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OP, regarding the ranting stuff, here's my perspective. I recently had a longtime friend go sideways on me while we were at the beach, spouting off all kinds of critical stuff, something completely out of character for him. I learned later that he was building up fluid in his lungs that they couldn't get rid of and was genuinely in fear of his life. He's doing OK now but how I processed things in the moment was, OK, not usual for him so go with it and see what's really going on.

 

In your case, this guy is evidently not long for the world so, if you choose to go and he goes off on you, OK, he does. You'll walk away and he'll be on the slab. IMO, make the decision and stick with it no matter what goes down.

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I wouldn't hide it from my husband if I went. I'd have no reason to do that, I'm in love with him, not this other man. I care about him and love him as a friend. I guess what I'm most afraid of is what he might say, and why he might say it. I have no idea why he wants to see me if he hasn't acknowledged me in years.

 

He knows I have a daughter who is about the age I was when we started dating. I've never seen him around her, but I'm told when he is he stares at her and has told people he should've been her father. I'm afraid that might come up, even though I have no reason to be afraid. It's just not a conversation I want to have.

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Stage5Clinger

You'll have closure even with 15 minutes of visiting him whereas you will likely have a lifetime of regret if you don't make any effort at all.

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whichwayisup
I wouldn't hide it from my husband if I went. I'd have no reason to do that, I'm in love with him, not this other man. I care about him and love him as a friend. I guess what I'm most afraid of is what he might say, and why he might say it. I have no idea why he wants to see me if he hasn't acknowledged me in years.

 

He knows I have a daughter who is about the age I was when we started dating. I've never seen him around her, but I'm told when he is he stares at her and has told people he should've been her father. I'm afraid that might come up, even though I have no reason to be afraid. It's just not a conversation I want to have.

 

Bring your husband, he can wait in the waiting room.

 

This will go one of two ways, he needs peace and closure, he'll apologize to you and ask for your forgiveness or he'll blast you and say more hurtful things...Though I really doubt a person on their deathbed would be so cruel.

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I see many reasons why should you meet him. The only reason I see to not meeting him, is if it will hurt your husband's feelings, and that is very easy to find out.

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I wouldn't hide it from my husband if I went. I'd have no reason to do that, I'm in love with him, not this other man. I care about him and love him as a friend. I guess what I'm most afraid of is what he might say, and why he might say it. I have no idea why he wants to see me if he hasn't acknowledged me in years.

 

He knows I have a daughter who is about the age I was when we started dating. I've never seen him around her, but I'm told when he is he stares at her and has told people he should've been her father. I'm afraid that might come up, even though I have no reason to be afraid. It's just not a conversation I want to have.

 

If he starts up being nasty, just walk out. The fact that he's dying doesn't mean you should put up with rubbish treatment.

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I dated a man from the time was 16 until I was 23. He was 9 years older than me, and we had a great relationship. He was my first real boyfriend, and he taught me a lot about myself and the world.

The last year we were together was strained and he introduced me to the man who would later become my husband. He and I were going in different directions and he needed to settle down for his son from a previous relationship that was born just after we had started dating.

 

We decided it would be best to end things and I started to date the man he introduced me to. He found out and flipped he started saying he was going to beat my boyfriend up and I was "his girl". Our friendship never recovered. For awhile we could be civil, but in recent years when he sees me, he doesn't acknowledge my presence.

His brother and my brother work together and are friends and his father is still friends with my parents as well. So we see each other often.

 

He was diagnosed with cancer about a year ago, and I was told he is now on his deathbed and wants to see me. He was very important to me still even after what we went through. There's no way I would be where I am today without him.

 

Should I go see him?

 

~~ He wants to clear his conscience. His seeing you isn't really about you. He wants to let all this go, be kind and do the right thing, go see him. If you were dying, and wanted to see someone you had unfinished words with, would you want that person to come see you?

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This will go one of two ways, he needs peace and closure, he'll apologize to you and ask for your forgiveness or he'll blast you and say more hurtful things...Though I really doubt a person on their deathbed would be so cruel.

 

If he says mean things to you on his deathbead, know that his transition to the next realm is not going easy for him. Compassion. Either you have it or you don't.

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I'd ask him why he wants to see you. Unless he tells you that it's to apologise, I wouldn't go. Either that, or go and walk out if he is hurtful.

 

It may be harsh of me, but the fact that someone is dying doesn't give them the right to say mean stuff to you.

 

I think tho that if the reason you're going is to give that person some sense of resolution on their way out (and it sounds like OP doesn't need this meeting for herself), then you shouldn't limit it to only terms you happen to like. If you're not willing to take a shot for their sake, don't go at all.

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When my Dad was terminally ill my parents had been divorced for about 16-17 years but there was still bad blood but they talked over the phone and said what they needed to to each other before he passed away.

 

It's a very personal issue, if he is going to go off the deep end and lay all kinds of guilt on her then she should not subject herself to that but it he is just saying goodbye then by all means she owes it to him and ultimately her to say goodbye..

 

You could always use the phone like my parents did as well...

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My experience with loved ones dying has been that they want peace and tranquility in their last days. I have never seen anyone on their deathbed want to go out their way to start drama with anyone. Not saying it doesn't happen just saying I haven't experienced it. One of my loved ones was an angry personality disordered man who was the king of holding grudges against people and wallowing in resentment. Even he didn't want any anger or bitterness during the period before his passing. He only wanted to say goodbye to people and to apologize to those he hurt. Certainly you should not stick around to listen to him say hurtful things to you but I seriously doubt that he's going to do that.

 

 

When my stepfather was dying he was married for the third time. He not only called my mom who was his second wife he also called his first wife. We were really surprised by him calling the first wife because their marriage happened when they were very young and it had been very short, lasted about 2yrs I think, and they hadn't seen or spoken to each other in over 40yrs. Their marriage had ended very badly because they were both heavy drug users and he physically abused her and cheated on her. So not only were we surprised that he called her, we were even more surprised that she made a special trip from out of town to come see him one last time. It was gracious and kind of her to do that and I think it meant a lot to him.

Edited by anika99
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I've decided to go see him tomorrow. I have no reason not to. I talked my husband about it and he was fine with it. I think that if he wants to see me it must be important to him because he isn't going to be around for much longer. He was significant to my own life and it might be good for me as well. I'm going to let his brother know I am going up to see if i need to take anything to their dad, who in my understanding, is always there.

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