My best friend's husband felt me up

[AMJ]

This happened on Friday night, I've tried to forget that it happened but it keeps bothering me..I'm hoping people can give advice that will put this in perspective.

I rarely see her because she lives a few hours away and has a two year old son, but we've been best friends for about 20 years. She's been married for almost four years to the nicest guy in the entire world. None of us ever go out drinking often, but she and I were excited to see each other and probably overdid it. We went to a baseball game, had a really fun night. His whole family was there, I've now known them for years, we all get along really well.

 

Fast forward to the end of the night, it was cold, we were waiting for an uber home. She and I probably complained about being cold, and he squeezes both of us in a bear hug, and rubs our backs to warm us up- this isn't weird at all, until his hand travels down south and is basically all over my behind. Like I said, we all were pretty tipsy, and I'm pretty sure I reacted by stepping away. It's not until the next morning that I realized I walked away, because she then wanted to talk to me about it. Except she didn't realize why I did that, she said- oh hey I hope you don't think it was weird that (his name) was trying to keep us warm by rubbing our backs last night, but it was so freezing! He has two sisters and is just in his nature to be friendly and yada yada. Of course I say- oh yeah, it was no big deal.

 

Obviously in the future I will keep my distance from him, not be so friendly or physical or whatever. And I don't have any intention of telling her- I just think it will cause way more problems than necessary. Although I've never kept a secret from her in 20 years and part of me feels bad that the first thing I'm deciding not to tell her involves her husband. And it doesn't really mean anything, right? Just a dumb mistake he made because he drank too much? I'm still a little bit shocked he even did that- it's just way out of character for him.

[candie13]

How awful, AMJ !! So sorry to hear You head to go through this, how disappointing ! He must have been drunk, indeed. Perhaps he feels worse than you do. How was his face reaction, how did he react, what was his attitude after that / during that ?

[AMJ]

He's way taller than me and it was dark, so I have no idea what his reaction was. I really do blame the alcohol in this case. There's a chance he may not realize or remember he did it. He acted normal around me the rest of the weekend.

[losangelena]

Here's a little story for you:

 

Back when I was with my ex, I got really used to, in hugging situations, eventually putting my hands on or near his butt. I was just instinctual, I guess.

 

Anyway, one time we were at our favorite haunt, and we were getting ready to leave. It was late at night, and everyone was pretty tipsy, and I go over to one of the regulars to say goodbye, and we hug. As he pulls away from the hug, he's got this funny look on his face and then he gives me like this little smooch. I was sort of taken aback, but then I realized that, in my drunkenness, I had unintentionally felt him up when hugging him, and he thought I was giving him some sort of green light! Yikes!

 

I totally didn't mean to it. I had zero feelings for the guy, I was just hugging him and do what I was so used to doing while hugging during that time, which was grabbing my ex's butt. Anyway, we didn't talk about it and I never told my ex, because it really was unintentional and not important. I kept my distance from that guy for a while and was more careful about how I touched people after that. But it was a total accident, so maybe that's what happened in this situation, too.

 

If I were you, I would keep my distance a little bit, but more than that I'd observe his actions to see if he's prone to that kind of behavior. If so, then I'd bring it up with my friend. Otherwise, it may have been an unintentional one-off situation.

[S2B]

So now you know he will - when given the opportunity. I'd keep my distance - be friends with the friend but know her husband isn't worthy of trusting.

[AMJ]

 

If I were you, I would keep my distance a little bit, but more than that I'd observe his actions to see if he's prone to that kind of behavior. If so, then I'd bring it up with my friend. Otherwise, it may have been an unintentional one-off situation.

 

It definitely felt intentional and was odd because he was hugging her at the same exact time. I can't really observe his behavior often since I only see them a few times/year...but yeah I will very much never let myself get in that situation again.

There's no way that would have happened if he hadn't been so drunk.

 

I'm glad you agree it's not a big deal though!

Edited April 26, 2016 by AMJ

[BlueIris]

losangelena's (very funny) story made me think- do you think he might have gotten mixed up- right and left- and thought he was doing it to his wife's butt?

[AMJ]

Hmm I wondered that too for a minute but I don't think so. He may have been doing it to both of us though..lol this is starting to sound so ridiculous. It really can't be that big of a deal right? I just feel pretty gross, because honestly if she knew, she'd probably have the biggest meltdown and be very hurt. She's not at all secure about things like this.

[whichwayisup]

Since you think she's going to be very upset by it and you're not sure if he'll remember because of drinking, let it go. You say he acted normal for the rest of the weekend so chances are he doesn't remember or think it was a big deal. I know that it upsets you and there's an ick factor too, try your best to put it out of your head and just keep the distance next time you all are together and there's drinking involved.

[bubbaganoosh]

No doubt it was the booze so I would chalk it up as a mistake but if you go out with them again and he gets a bit too chummy then you let him know that he's pushing it and you let your friend know because if it's not you then it will be some other woman and she'll need to know One time a mistake. Second time around it called a move on you.

[AMJ]

That's a good point about it only happening once. Mostly I'm just really surprised because it's way out of character for him to do this, and I have no one else to talk to about it, so I posted here.

[Emilia]

I would see how he was with me after this. If he acted like nothing happened and kept his distance or maybe even sheepish (unlikely) but kept his distance, I'd ignore it. If I felt he tried to close the distance, I'd have a word with him and tell him that one more move and I'll talk to the missus.

[preraph]

Well, he's already lied to her and covered his own butt, so he's a step ahead of you. If he tries it again, I think you need to loudly bust him right then and there in front of her or loud enough that she comes running. HEY! GET YOUR HAND OFF MY BUTT! See, here's the problem. The way people can become victims is they keep the guy's secret, and that's what you've done here. Granted, you've been outmaneuvered. I really think that since she asked you should tell her, "Look, I know we were all tipsy, but what he was doing to my butt went beyond a warming bear hug, just fyi, and I was not comfortable with it."

 

If you keep this secret for him, more is on its way, I promise you. This was a test to see if he could get away with more. No man is content to end with a butt feel.

[major_merrick]

Well, he's already lied to her and covered his own butt, so he's a step ahead of you. If he tries it again, I think you need to loudly bust him right then and there in front of her or loud enough that she comes running. HEY! GET YOUR HAND OFF MY BUTT! See, here's the problem. The way people can become victims is they keep the guy's secret, and that's what you've done here. Granted, you've been outmaneuvered. I really think that since she asked you should tell her, "Look, I know we were all tipsy, but what he was doing to my butt went beyond a warming bear hug, just fyi, and I was not comfortable with it."

 

If you keep this secret for him, more is on its way, I promise you. This was a test to see if he could get away with more. No man is content to end with a butt feel.

 

Exactly. Call it out to stop the behavior. If it's an accidental one-time thing, you won't have any more trouble. Could even be a humorous tale in later years. But keeping it a secret is a bad idea.

[Methodical]

You walked away when he started getting too friendly. Your friend noticed and said she hoped you weren't weirded out by the warming hug. Doesn't sound like she's as fragile as you think.

 

You kind of brushed it off by agreeing with her. I think by walking away and distancing yourself, you sent him a clear message. I'd chalk this up as a one time thing that was fueled by alcohol. Going forward, I'd like to think he'll heed the intolerance message you sent by walking away.

 

 

**If keeping this from your friend bothers you, talk to her. Tell her you initially brushed it off after she offered you some assurance that the hug was harmless. However, now that you've had time to process what happened, you need to be upfront so that you don't feel like you are hiding something from her. Letting her know doesn't have to be confrontational.

[2016forme]

This happened on Friday night, I've tried to forget that it happened but it keeps bothering me..I'm hoping people can give advice that will put this in perspective.

I rarely see her because she lives a few hours away and has a two year old son, but we've been best friends for about 20 years. She's been married for almost four years to the nicest guy in the entire world. None of us ever go out drinking often, but she and I were excited to see each other and probably overdid it. We went to a baseball game, had a really fun night. His whole family was there, I've now known them for years, we all get along really well.

 

Fast forward to the end of the night, it was cold, we were waiting for an uber home. She and I probably complained about being cold, and he squeezes both of us in a bear hug, and rubs our backs to warm us up- this isn't weird at all, until his hand travels down south and is basically all over my behind. Like I said, we all were pretty tipsy, and I'm pretty sure I reacted by stepping away. It's not until the next morning that I realized I walked away, because she then wanted to talk to me about it. Except she didn't realize why I did that, she said- oh hey I hope you don't think it was weird that (his name) was trying to keep us warm by rubbing our backs last night, but it was so freezing! He has two sisters and is just in his nature to be friendly and yada yada. Of course I say- oh yeah, it was no big deal.

 

Obviously in the future I will keep my distance from him, not be so friendly or physical or whatever. And I don't have any intention of telling her- I just think it will cause way more problems than necessary. Although I've never kept a secret from her in 20 years and part of me feels bad that the first thing I'm deciding not to tell her involves her husband. And it doesn't really mean anything, right? Just a dumb mistake he made because he drank too much? I'm still a little bit shocked he even did that- it's just way out of character for him.

 

Dear AMJ,

 

I am sorry that you had felt uncomfortable being around your best friend' s husband. I'm glad that you didn't get"turned on in the heat of the moment" just cause "it felt so good till I just couldn't help myself. .."

 

The fact that you want to remain best friends and keep your friendship open is a good way to start. I don't blame you for not telling your best friend that you felt her husband was trying to come on to you in an awkward position.

 

The best thing you want to do is maintain communication with your friend. You are there for each other, good or bad, happy or sad.

 

It really saddens me sometimes reading stories about how best friends are betrayed by the other party.

 

But for you, that is not the case. You just felt apprehensive in feeling that your best friend's husband was "feeling you up and down".

 

Maybe next time, when you and your friend and her husband go out together like that, either you and your friend can go out as a "girl's night out..." But that depends upon your friend and her husband. I'm not quite sure how one or the other will take that.

 

If they are comfortable, then it's okay.

 

Do you have a male friend?

 

Another option is that you, your male friend and your best friend and her husband can all go out together.

 

Your friend's husband may not "try to make any advances when there is the presence of another man.

 

I would hate to see that this uncomfortable situation gets in the way between you and your best friend.

 

Through trials and tribulations, the best of friends last forever.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited April 28, 2016 by 2016forme

[jen1447]

until his hand travels down south and is basically all over my behind.

 

Was this the sort of exploring all the goodness that is AMJ in all her peaks and valleys type thing or just covering a lot of surface area? Reason I ask is I've done the losangelina thing and auto-groped ppl before, but when I have its been moreso kinda tame, like butt-patting or even a butt caress, but not full-on squeezes and taughtness springback tests and butt crack spelunking. (I've even actually done it completely unintentionally - and then somehow managed to repeat it seconds later. Dancing is risky for that. )

 

But if he was 'all up in there' there's no mistaking it I suppose. I'd base whether to tell your GF on how full-on it was. Lots of room for diff responses here - accident, nothing - mild, 'the look,' medium, "knock that crap off," severe, punch to the forehead, etc. And somewhere in there is your tell or don't tell line. If it was nothing or next to nothing I don't see any reason to run to her and turn her life upside down, but if it was a "let's Marvin Gaye" grope then you don't have much choice.

[losangelena]

Was this the sort of exploring all the goodness that is AMJ in all her peaks and valleys type thing or just covering a lot of surface area? Reason I ask is I've done the losangelina thing and auto-groped ppl before, but when I have its been moreso kinda tame, like butt-patting or even a butt caress, but not full-on squeezes and taughtness springback tests and butt crack spelunking. (I've even actually done it completely unintentionally - and then somehow managed to repeat it seconds later. Dancing is risky for that. )

 

But if he was 'all up in there' there's no mistaking it I suppose. I'd base whether to tell your GF on how full-on it was. Lots of room for diff responses here - accident, nothing - mild, 'the look,' medium, "knock that crap off," severe, punch to the forehead, etc. And somewhere in there is your tell or don't tell line. If it was nothing or next to nothing I don't see any reason to run to her and turn her life upside down, but if it was a "let's Marvin Gaye" grope then you don't have much choice.

 

Can we please make "auto-groped" a widely-used term?

[AMJ]

Jen your post made me laugh too much. Of course you want details! I don't really think it was an auto-grope because he was holding both of us, however since he was drunk I think he was more sneaky and brave than normal. I don't think he'd ever think I'd ever reciprocate for lots of reasons. But it was definitely more like exploring, caressing, and I think I pulled away right after the squeeze. I wasn't going to let him go to town once I realized what was happening. I'm 5'7'' so it was a long enough trip from the top my back to my butt, definitely intentional move on his part. Though then there's the whole argument of does it count when someone isn't sober?

 

LOL I'm still laughing about crack spelunking and tautness springback tests. I'm pretty annoyed with him for putting me in this position. It's a good thing, I guess, that we don't see each other often. Though I had planned to visit them more often since I used to live way farther away than I do now.

 

See I really can't tell her I think. Some women may be able to handle this well but she would be destroyed. For instance, ten years ago I kissed- only kissed- a guy she dated senior year of high school (this happened around 3 years after she dumped him) and she was furious with me. That's almost the worst fight we've ever had.

 

I think I just need to learn to be less friendly with my friend's husbands. When I think about it all of them typically give me hello and goodbye hugs, maybe that needs to simmer down.

[jen1447]

Hm. Well that sheds a little more light on it. (Humor aside. )

 

If it was me I'd bring it up to him specifically, bc it sounds like burying it will bother you in the long run. I have to say it wouldn't be a particularly friendly conversation either, bc it was an affront to both you and your friend. I really don't buy drunk excuses myself, you have to be accountable whether you're drunk or not. I mean you wouldn't let someone off the hook for rape if they were drunk.

 

Anyway I'd just make it clear he needs to keep his hands to himself in future and imply that you're looking out - both for you and your friend. You don't want to make an enemy of the guy but on the other hand it was him who got the ball rolling, and if you don't stop it that's making a statement too - of complicity or weakness, depending.

 

Better to do that than start wondering about adjusting your interaction w/ppl to guard against possibilities AMJ. It's not your responsibility to do that and it's self-limiting and self-inhibiting, but you do have to stand up for yourself and the ppl you care about.

 

btw I wouldn't entertain many explanations either, just more of an "I talk, you listen" type meeting. Girl-balls, girlfriend. Gotta flex.

[whichwayisup]

Why do you have to see them both every time? She is your friend so make plans for a 'girls night' without him.

[AMJ]

I mean, sometimes we do hang out just the girls, but it would be weird honestly to ask her not to include him in any plans going forward...I was in their wedding. We have to travel to see each other and what would be the option- ask your husband to sit in the hotel or grandma's house while we go have fun?

[AMJ]

Hm. Well that sheds a little more light on it. (Humor aside. )

 

If it was me I'd bring it up to him specifically, bc it sounds like burying it will bother you in the long run. I have to say it wouldn't be a particularly friendly conversation either, bc it was an affront to both you and your friend. I really don't buy drunk excuses myself, you have to be accountable whether you're drunk or not. I mean you wouldn't let someone off the hook for rape if they were drunk.

 

Anyway I'd just make it clear he needs to keep his hands to himself in future and imply that you're looking out - both for you and your friend. You don't want to make an enemy of the guy but on the other hand it was him who got the ball rolling, and if you don't stop it that's making a statement too - of complicity or weakness, depending.

 

Better to do that than start wondering about adjusting your interaction w/ppl to guard against possibilities AMJ. It's not your responsibility to do that and it's self-limiting and self-inhibiting, but you do have to stand up for yourself and the ppl you care about.

 

btw I wouldn't entertain many explanations either, just more of an "I talk, you listen" type meeting. Girl-balls, girlfriend. Gotta flex.

 

Well, it's not that I'd be afraid of bringing it up with him (we all know I'm terrified of telling her, however) but I think he'd just deny it. He'd say he doesn't remember doing it, or say that maybe I'm confused bc I was also too tipsy..etc.

Granted, even if he denies it the message is still clear. At this point though, the only way to talk to him about it is to call him, and that would be weird. We're friendly but we don't call or text each other. So then it's a matter of waiting until the next time we see each other which could be awhile. Then I wonder- does that send the wrong message because it looks like I've been ruminating about something pretty minor for such a long time?

[Fused]

if you are saying you only see him a couple times a year, do you really think he has some deep underlying feelings for you? it doesn't really make sense that he secretly likes you but barely gets any time with you himself. this is a little mistake, a tipsy mistake. he probably isn't putting nearly as much thought in to it as you. they're in a marriage, this little slip shouldn't be considered. as for you feeling confused or guilty about "hiding" something from your friend, you will never know the truth about how he felt or his intentions; confronted or not. i say dont go extreme in this case and dont worry about it anymore unless outstanding signs come out.

[carhill]

i say dont go extreme in this case and dont worry about it anymore unless outstanding signs come out.

 

Yeah, I tend to agree, especially with someone seen rarely.

 

My closest anecdote was posing for a picture with my exW and her best friend at Domaine Chandon after some champagne and feeling this hand running up the crack of my butt and thinking, heh, what is exW doing here, then I look over and her BFF is smiling at me.

 

I asked exW about it later and she said, yeah sometimes that stuff happens when a bit over the top on the alcohol but nothing to worry about. She was right. Unfortunately, that friend died a few years later of, yup, the juice. We saw her and her H a lot and 99.9% of the time she was the epitome of polite and respectful behavior. However, there were some physical things about me I guess tickled her fancy so she'd indulge occasionally. Part of adult life.