lost friends and struggling to make new ones

[seasickpeeve]

I've been thinking alot recently about struggles I've had around past friendships and making new friends. It's something which has been a consistent problem my whole life, and now at thirty I am trying to get to the bottom of my problems and fix it. Any comments or suggestions will be welcomed.

 

During primary school I had one best friend who I spent my whole time with. She often was a bully towards me and bossed me about.

 

At the start of secondary school I struggled to make friends I clicked with and ended up hanging around with some very geeky people who I didn't click with. A few years of being unhappy with this, I met a girl in my year group who also lived near me who seemed to take me under her wing and introduced me to her friends. I became part of a close group of girl friends (six of us) and particularly close to two of them. We all had much more in common and I was happy in this group. However, I was one of the least confident in the group and didn't make many friends out of this circle beyond acquaintances.

 

The group eventually split up and people moved towns, got other friend groups, one of the girls fell out with me completely which I feel was because I was suffering from depression at this time and wasn't much fun to be around. She stopped answering my calls and inviting me out.

 

I stayed very close with one of the girls who was my best friend and for years later I spent all of my time with her. She was more outgoing and made many friends other than me and I had a good social life but it was always due to her social success. I always felt in her shadow. She eventually moved away and I was alone apart from occasionally going to visit her.

 

I spent my time then in and out of relationships and spending my time with my boyfriend and their friends. Every time there was a breakup I would lose my boyfriend and my new friends and end up alone again.

 

I made one new friend at college but it was a very unequal friendship where we only went places she wanted to go and she would often be rude. She would rarely visit me but expect me to visit her. I decided to lose touch with her

 

I have since occasionally been in touch with aquiantences to ask them out and try become friends but they either tell me they're busy or meet me once or twice and then disappear.

 

Sometimes I meet women who seem interested in hanging out and say how much they'd like to meet for a drink and give me their number but they either don't reply after that or say they are busy and so I give up messaging.

 

Sometimes I meet men who seem interested in hanging it out but disappear when I don't want I relationship with them or when they get in a relationship.

 

I was recently spending all my time with a girl and guy and we were all great friends until they started getting together then she would act competitively and jealous around me and he became rude and made some horrible comments to me so I stopped contacting them.

 

I at the moment have just two friends that do not seem interested in me much. One is a friend I have had for years who when I see out he looks really happy to see me and we get on great. Yet when I invite him anywhere he is either busy or cant afford it. Yet I see he goes out plenty of time and never invites me. The other 'friend' is a women who I met at a party who seemed really keen to hang out, yet after just two meetings has put me in the category of 'friend she rings and tells her problems to but doesn't ever invite out'.

 

I am at a point where I can't ask anyone out again because I can't take anymore rejection. It seems even when I do make friends they all either use me, devalue me, or it becomes really unequal and I feel as though I look like this clingy desperate friend.

 

I've been told alot that I am friendly, bubbly and I come across as confident. Admittedly, in some situations I can be quieter and shy but I always smile and I'm polite and make an effort to talk when introduced to someone.

 

I have become very lonely, isolated and depressed with the situation and feel ready to give up on the idea of ever having a group of friends again. I feel like I am chasing the occasional crumbs thrown my way.

 

I am spending most of my time alone. Even my sister is too busy with her friends to hang out.

 

I don't know what else I can do. What am I doing wrong?

[Kics]

I have a similar problem I am currently friendless and I am not sure what to do about it. I joined a yoga class, I also joined a organization and met people but haven't clicked with anyone. I spend most of my weekends working or doing nothing because I got no one to hang out with. I am going to be 25 soon but I just feel miserable.

[seasickpeeve]

I also go to yoga and I say hi to people but mostly I can't see how it is a place to meet people as friends.

 

Everybody I know have either one group of friends they spend every weekend with or they have at least a few good friends they see often.

 

It makes me feel like such a loser and wonder what is wrong with me that I can't have that.

 

I would really love a few good friends I can share good times, same interests and talk to.

 

Maybe some people are just unlucky in this area.

 

I can't help thinking it is something I'm doing wrong I just don' know what it is and therefore I have no idea how to fix it.

 

But yes, staying home all weekend does feel miserable.

[Kics]

I feel the same way . I feel like a loser and have wonder if there is something wrong with me. I would love to have a group of friends or even 1 good friend I could talk to or hang out with every so often but nope. I thought about dating to have someone but it made it worst. I know there are apps like for friendships where you can meet other girls to hang out with but they only have those on bigger cities and I live in a small town. I try talking to some girls in yoga but they don't always go to class. I thought about joining crossfit but I have problems with my knee.

[Kics]

Sometimes life sucks :/ but hey at least we are not alone.

[sickoflove11]

I can relate with you guys here. I've been struggling to make friends for the last few years after relocating. I have a few friends that live far away so I hardly ever see them. I always see pictures of girls out with all their friends and I get so envious and wish I had that. I know I should avoid these photos but I like to think that I could have that, even though I know there is no chance. I am 23 and just want to go out and have fun sometimes with a group of girls.

I have a few guy friends where I live currently, but being a female I can't talk to them to same way or even hang out with them the way I would with other girls. I have one girl friend but she is fake towards me and I can't deal with that. She recently has been spending a lot of time with this boy which is fine, but she bails on me and other people when she's the one who made the plans. Then she blames us and makes excuses as to why she didn't want to hang out with us. I call her out on it and she just makes it worse for herself.

 

Honestly I know it sucks and I wouldn't really wish this, but I almost wish I didn't have friends. At least not super close ones like this girl who is fake to me. She acts like we are such great friends, but I can see her true colors and they're not pretty. I am very good at being alone and entertaining myself so I could easily do without all this drama she brings to my life.

I don't really have any advice other than just keep living your life and doing what makes you happy. It's so hard to make friends as we get older, I wish people were more open.

[seasickpeeve]

I sometimes wonder whether being lonely makes me over sensitive to how the friends I have treat me, OR whether having less friends makes me put up with worse behaviour and attract people who don't really care and just use me.

 

Perhaps some of this is going on with your friend? Maybe you are scared of setting boundaries with her because then you will feel more alone?

[preraph]

It's hard to make and keep friends unless something is bringing you together repeatedly like work or school. And work friends are often not real friends either, depending on the situation.

 

I would say on the friends who are peripheral, find out what it is they like best to do. Listen to them. Like if they're saying, My husband will only go to the movie if it's an action pic, and they like rom coms, then just be attentive to that and ask them to something they will have trouble refusing. A friend of mine loves to go to museums. Most people won't go with her. I now know why (she stands forever in front of every piece in the museum and there's nowhere to sit down to wait for her). But it's a surefire way to get together if I'm wanting to and my legs can take it.

 

Maybe one of them has a hobby or interest and no one to do it with. Like tennis or bowling. You can take a couple lessons and ask them to go. Most people have something they like to do well enough to take about anyone up on going out and doing it, whether it's dancing or a wine tasting or going to the zoo or the dog park or a library book sale. Listen and know what their interests are and even ask them if they ever have trouble finding people to go with them and maybe they'll say "Yeah, I can never get my friends to just go shopping with me." Then you know what to offer. It's just an idea. Even if you resent their reluctance, the more you get together, the more likely to form a better bond.

 

There are all kinds of societies and groups to join, from art to gardening to bird watching or gem and mineral societies. I joined the latter in the 90s when I had pretty much isolated myself from other activities because of depression. It seemed safe. Everyone was older than me, but that was okay, but what made me quit going is they could all afford an RV to go on rock hunting trips, and that was out of the question for me. So I got discouraged and stopped going, but I went for quite a while. Also, the other thing that made me stop is this was a pretty small group, and a couple of them were working a rock show and I went up to say hi and for no reason I can fathom, they just gave me a dirty look. I have NO reason why, but I'm going to assume that one or the other of the couple was very jealous or something. So not everything works out, but sharing a hobby is still one of the better ways to meet people.

 

Also, I am too old for the groups in my city to join it, but as far as meetup groups, just a group that goes out for drinks or goes out to eat is a good way to meet people. The groups in my town seem to be age-specific and exclude older people like me with no kids. It's either 20s or 30s or grandmas, and I wouldn't have much in common with the latter. I could start one for in between, like 40 and up, but it would still end up all grandmas with nothing but kid talk that I wouldn't be able to relate to.

 

I went on a meetup for local childfree and the problem there was that the couples shut out the singles entirely, very threatened by them, I guess. So like at one house part, they couples all sat and watched a game while the singles had no other option but to fill up the dining room. And unfortunately, a lot of the singles were very shy and not very talkative, so it wasn't a good match. Not to say the next group wouldn't be different, though.

 

I know a guy who had trouble meeting the right woman and he loved dancing, and he would just go solo to some corny 50's type sock hop at some bar when they had it and he finally met his wife because she asked him to dance. He was reluctant at first because like how it always goes, he had focused on one other woman in the room and wasn't paying attention to her at all. But she was very extrovert and just grabbed him and married him.

[dragonfire13]

I think making friends defo gets harder as you get older. If it helps, I've been in/am still in a similar situation myself but you're never too old to make new friends.

 

I joined meetup groups and I noticed the female only groups were a good place to start. They're a bit hit and miss sometimes, a bit like online dating, but I met a couple of girls I clicked with and it got me out of the house. Girls being girls, sometimes the vibes can get catty/bitchy and it's instances like this that remind me how being a bit of a loner isn't always a bad thing However, keep an open mind and keep conversational casual and you never know.

 

Also, a friend I met through meetup has a tonne of creative interests e.g art classes, crocheting classes and she's made loads of friends through that. Perhaps something similar might work for you.

 

Good luck x

[sickoflove11]

I sometimes wonder whether being lonely makes me over sensitive to how the friends I have treat me, OR whether having less friends makes me put up with worse behaviour and attract people who don't really care and just use me.

 

Perhaps some of this is going on with your friend? Maybe you are scared of setting boundaries with her because then you will feel more alone?

 

Yeah I can understand that. I expect my friends to treat me the way I would treat them and when they don't, I really consider staying their friend or not. At the same time I see what you're saying about attracting people who don't really care. That's happened to me but after you realize what's happening, I'd start to distance myself and realize they aren't true friends.

 

I'm ok being alone, I keep myself occupied with work school and the gym and I have a few other acquaintances I can hang out with every now and then but they're guys. I try to give my girl friend more chances but then I hear about her drama I get distant again.

What kind of boundaries could I set? I'm definitely not afraid of setting boundaries with her I just don't know how to approach that.

[seasickpeeve]

There is so much I enjoy doing which I either can't do alone or it is just not as fun doing alone.

 

I think I have given up on the people I have already tried with. They are obviously happy with just being aquaintences. I will start looking for groups and hobbies to keep me occupied and hopefully meet new people though that.

 

I think I will also seek help for depression as this could be obscuring my view of things and maybe even how I come across to people.

 

It just really hurts to see so many happy smiling people doing lots of fun things everywhere and feel completely apart from that.

 

Hopefully things will pick up eventually. I hope everyone else who feels this way finds things pick up soon x