Tired of my friends...

[Hopeful714]

I'm a young 50. I'm somewhat introverted and you could probably call me a homebody. I don't mind it, and like my life but I would like to get out and do more things. The problem is, I'm finding I have less and less in common with my current friends, and am having trouble meeting new ones.

 

I like to go out and get home early. Grab a bite and/or go somewhere where there is an activity. Or something to do, or look at. My friends still like to, or always end up at bars. Drinking. I don't even like to drink! It makes me ill. Sure maybe ill enjoy a cocktail or two, but that's it! I'm done!

 

Some things I'd like to do are go visit an art museum. Go to a yoga or meditation class. Take a class. Go on daytrips, or rides to go and see/do different things. Baseball games. The zoo. Festivals. I don't even ask my friends to do these things. Why? Because most aren't into it and because if they were to go with me, then they'd expect me to go w with them to do the things they want to do. Which means bars and drinking...which I have no interest in doing.

 

Also, they like to go out in groups. Ok fine. But to be honest sometimes when we all get together I feel like I'm sitting with the housewives of ...whereever county. And, I feel like there is talking behind people's backs and gossip/drama, etc. Thats just not who I am.

 

Recently I had to cancel going to an afternoon (bar) get together that was on a holiday wknd. It was a same day cancel, but heck, if they were all going it's not like I stood someone up...regardless, my cancellation was met with snarky comments intended to guilt and manipulate me. I ignored them. Haven't talked to them since.

 

I'm certain my friends may feel that I think I'm above them. Actually, I feel we just don't share the same interests and I kinda get tired of talking about things that happened 25-30yrs ago. I feel like I evolved. And they, for the most part didn't. Or if they did, I'm finding it hard to connect to them. They probably think I'm a bore,,and the feeling is becoming mutual.

 

Would I continually ask a person who can't eat seafood to a seafood restaurant? No. So why do I keep getting invites to go drink when they know it's not my thing?

 

What to do? And where to meet people more like me? I suppose I Need to start doing the things I want to do ....alone. Comments from anyone who can relate to this or ideas for me?

[mrs rubble]

How about joining Rotary or something similar to meet new people?

I met my new circle of friends through the club I joined.

[TaraMaiden2]

[]

 

However, enrol in Museum clubs or associations which organise outings to historic locations. Have a look online for clubs, groups and organisations of like-minded people.

Museums usually have a list of "Friends of <establishment>" which sometimes, for an annual fee, have special viewings and exhibitions they can attend, ahead of the general public....

 

Join a rambler's Group, and there must be yoga classes in your area.

 

Friendship - good friends - are all out there, but yes, it takes some effort to find them.

 

Kicking up your heals and crying defeat, is not an option. That's just self-pity and wallowing, and does you no favours.

 

ETA: And FWIW?

I'd gladly join you in some of the stuff you enjoy doing.

To me, that sounds like using your free time productively, in an enjoyable and educational way. You come away from such excursions, a richer, better person, IMHO.

Edited April 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted response to deleted post ~6

[Arieswoman]

Hopeful714,

Be reassured that your situation is not unique !

 

There's one thing I learned post-divorce and that was to choose friends very carefully. You need people in your life who will support you, encourage you, root for you and help you (if necessary).

 

What no-one needs is negative people who drag you down to their level and make you feel drained. And you certainly shouldn't feel obliged to engage in activities you're not keen on.

After 2 years of bar-hopping with so-called "friends" I started to distance myself from that shallow lifestyle and took up hobbies I had always wanted to do, such learning a foreign language, playing a musical instrument and flower-arranging.

 

If you have a wide range of interests then it shouldn't be a problem to find like-minded people.

 

Good luck !

[TaraMaiden2]

No, OP. Don't do this.

However, enrol in Museum clubs or associations which organise outings to historic locations. Have a look online for clubs, groups and organisations of like-minded people.

Museums usually have a list of "Friends of <establishment>" which sometimes, for an annual fee, have special viewings and exhibitions they can attend, ahead of the general public....

 

Join a rambler's Group, and there must be yoga classes in your area.

 

Friendship - good friends - are all out there, but yes, it takes some effort to find them.

 

Kicking up your HEELS and crying defeat, is not an option. That's just self-pity and wallowing, and does you no favours.

 

ETA: And FWIW?

I'd gladly join you in some of the stuff you enjoy doing.

To me, that sounds like using your free time productively, in an enjoyable and educational way. You come away from such excursions, a richer, better person, IMHO.

 

Auto-corrected typo - re-corrected!

[jcromp]

You're right in that you should be proactive and just start doing the things you enjoy on your own and you'll meet new friends along the way.

 

Maybe start by taking a class on something fun like a hobby. Think pottery, flower arranging, interior decorating, whatever interests you. A lot of park districts have organized day trips to museums or theater or antiquing, etc.

 

If you like to read, join a book club. If there are any causes you're drawn to, volunteer to help. If you like museums, there are usually associations involved with them like the other poster mentioned.

 

I know you said that you're a bit of an introvert, so I understand that venturing out on your own may be a little intimidating. But I think if you can just push yourself to get started with something, it will probably come easier than you think.

 

Good luck

[Emilia]

Join Meetup! Hopefully it's big in your area

[stillafool]

I'm a young 50. I'm somewhat introverted and you could probably call me a homebody. I don't mind it, and like my life but I would like to get out and do more things. The problem is, I'm finding I have less and less in common with my current friends, and am having trouble meeting new ones.

 

I like to go out and get home early. Grab a bite and/or go somewhere where there is an activity. Or something to do, or look at. My friends still like to, or always end up at bars. Drinking. I don't even like to drink! It makes me ill. Sure maybe ill enjoy a cocktail or two, but that's it! I'm done!

 

Some things I'd like to do are go visit an art museum. Go to a yoga or meditation class. Take a class. Go on daytrips, or rides to go and see/do different things. Baseball games. The zoo. Festivals. I don't even ask my friends to do these things. Why? Because most aren't into it and because if they were to go with me, then they'd expect me to go w with them to do the things they want to do. Which means bars and drinking...which I have no interest in doing.

 

Also, they like to go out in groups. Ok fine. But to be honest sometimes when we all get together I feel like I'm sitting with the housewives of ...whereever county. And, I feel like there is talking behind people's backs and gossip/drama, etc. Thats just not who I am.

 

Recently I had to cancel going to an afternoon (bar) get together that was on a holiday wknd. It was a same day cancel, but heck, if they were all going it's not like I stood someone up...regardless, my cancellation was met with snarky comments intended to guilt and manipulate me. I ignored them. Haven't talked to them since.

 

I'm certain my friends may feel that I think I'm above them. Actually, I feel we just don't share the same interests and I kinda get tired of talking about things that happened 25-30yrs ago. I feel like I evolved. And they, for the most part didn't. Or if they did, I'm finding it hard to connect to them. They probably think I'm a bore,,and the feeling is becoming mutual.

 

Would I continually ask a person who can't eat seafood to a seafood restaurant? No. So why do I keep getting invites to go drink when they know it's not my thing?

 

What to do? And where to meet people more like me? I suppose I Need to start doing the things I want to do ....alone. Comments from anyone who can relate to this or ideas for me?

 

TBH, your saying you saying you are a homebody, introverted and you like to get out and get home early doesn't sound like a young 50 year old. All the things you mentioned that you like to do can be done by yourself. Take a yoga class and perhaps you'll meet a new friend. Take that class and you will meet new people, day trips and visiting museums can be done alone as well. You just have to get out there and do it. I can understand that you aren't compatible with your current friends but that is no reason to put them down for what they enjoy. If you continue to turn down their invitations they will eventually get the message that you no longer want to be around them. So continue to turn them down.

[preraph]

Just ask one person from the group at a time to go to a specific event you want to attend. Keep asking until one accepts. I have trouble believing none of them ever want to go to the museum or zoo or a street fair. But don't ask as a group because obviously the only thing they can agree on is drinking in a bar. So do one at a time and say "just you and me" and see if any will peel off from the group and do that with you. If not, you just don't have very versatile friends.

 

I would think the main problem would be getting them to do anything without their kids or grandkids at that age. So if they're willing to do just girl things at all, I'd be ecstatic, though I agree that sitting around drinking at that age wasn't my thing either.

 

I wouldn't discard them. You are lucky to still have a big circle of friends, such as they are, at your age. Mine were very sparse by then and couldn't drag them out at all.

[Hopeful714]

There's a lot of good stuff here.

 

I think how I will proceed is that I will make a list of things I want to do and see, and then investigate if there are any clubs or groups associated with those things. Some options I know I will just need to do alone. And I'm just going to try to make myself as comfortable as possible and just do them. I actually used to be better at that but I'm not quite sure how/why that has changed over the last few years.

 

We do have meet up groups here but those sound too scary for me. Lol! I need to start small for now.

 

By saying I'm a young 50, I am. I'm still very active, open minded, and want to fulfill some desires. A bucket list I guess you could say has been started. Just because I don't want to be out late drinking means nothing. I've been there, done that, and just have no interest in it anymore. It doesn't even jive with the healthy lifestyle I lead because the alcohol makes me physically sick...for days! And no I don't want to hang out at 1am at a bar sober either. I just don't feel that for myself, I want to be a 50 yr old woman in a bar. I don't think it's a good look ...for me. If that's what my friends want, they can have it. I don't really care.

 

Some of my friends not in "the group" I do think I can ask and they would be receptive to doing things. I'm going to pass on asking the ones in the group though for a one on one outing. Reason being is because I hear too much backstabbing. And I really don't want to be a topic of it or participate in it if the conversation is lacking. Plus I'm still a bit irked that someone would a actually get snarky with me and it's already seeming uncomfortable that we have not been in contact. But I'm not going to call and apologize for my absence because they knew it was an inopportune time for me to begin with and as far as I'm concerned if someone can't make it, it ain't no big deal. But to them it's like "she should have" " she could have"..bla bla bla and I just can't take people being all up in my business when they really have no idea what is going on.

[Hopeful714]

Now that I'm on a roll here.. what do you all think of gifts and friends? Over the years my friends and I have not always done this. A happy b day here, or a card there, if anything , was good enough.

 

With this new/old group that has formed I'm feeling like it's expected to make bid deals out of holidays, birthdays. The crux of it all is I feel like I was being forced to commit to and do things I really had /have no interest in.

 

Ha, I guess they did get the hint, since they have left me alone! I feel bad, but to be honest, I'm really not missing them.

[stillafool]

 

Ha, I guess they did get the hint, since they have left me alone! I feel bad, but to be honest, I'm really not missing them.

 

I'm glad for you because you really didn't seem like you enjoyed them anyway. At least now you won't have to be stressed with turning down their invitations.

[twistedjuliet]

Hopeful714, I can definitely relate to your post and I'm glad that I came across it.

I am feeling a bit hopeless knowing that drama and being snarky does not stop once a person reaches their thirties/mid-thirties. Many of my friends also belong in a group and like to get together for drinks and gossip. I can also be an introvert so I like to do many things by myself but sometimes I would like company also. I have recently become "too busy" for some of my friends/acquaintances and I feel like a jerk for "being too busy" but I don't know how to let people go. I think that friendships are like dating relationships - it can take a while to find the good ones.

[Emilia]

Meetups are not scary. You meet people through activities, you don't have to talk much if you don't want to.