Long-Standing Beef with Friend. What Now?

[Raina314]

Today the girl who used to be my best friend texted me for the first time in a month. We haven't been speaking lately for a variety of reasons, but mostly because she's always at her bf's house and I've been upset with her for a while.

The thing is, I don't know if I should be. Sometimes I definitely think so, and then other times I feel like I'm overreacting and being unreasonable.

Unfortunately, to fully explain it, there's a lot of backstory involved, so I wrote it out:

I've been friends with this girl since we were in high school. So, for about 7-8 years now. We used to be best friends, but starting last year, or maybe even before that, a lot changed, and not for the better.

 

My "friend" was raised by emotionally abusive parents. Even though she's very smart and talented and worked very hard all through school while helping them with their restaurant afterwards for years, they would tell her she was a horrible daughter and that she was ugly (she isn't) and never allowed her to do extracurricular activities or go to friends' houses. She had a pretty miserable childhood that understandably messed her up pretty badly.

 

When we met, we immediately hit it off. She was sad a lot, but we always helped each other through rough times and were always there for each other. We became best friends. We stayed close after going to the same college, and she would live with me over breaks so she wouldn't have to live at home. We took trips together, studied together, shopped together, and generally did everything best friends should do.

 

While I was single for most of college though, she was always getting into abusive relationships with these terrible guys. She always had new stories about the horrible ways her bf insulted her or put her down, and it really took a toll on her. I tried to be as supportive as I could and told her that she didn't deserve to be treated this way, that she could do better, etc...but the pattern continued.

 

Last year, she suddenly got really distant and admitted to being depressed and having suicidal thoughts. She also started being really cold to me. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me she was angry with me for asking her to pay half of the fee for an Amazon Prime account we shared, since it was under my name and she thought I was being stingy. She also said she didn't feel like she could trust me after I once told her she shouldn't care what other people thought of her as long as she knew she was making good decisions and doing well. She said if it were that simple, she would've done it already and that I was insultingly oversimplifying her problems. I apologized.

 

A few weeks later, she messaged me and told me she was angry with me for not messaging her every day to check up on her and see if she was okay. I had messaged her just a few days before asking if she wanted to come over for thanksgiving, and baked her a cake for her birthday. She told me that she felt like I didn't care at all and accused me of making time for my then boyfriend and other friends, but not her, which wasn't true. She refused to talk to me in person when I asked and told me that I was a bad friend and slammed the metaphorical door in my face. This was all over facebook, btw, she's terrified of in-person confrontation. I was very hurt, and kept trying to talk to her in person to make it up to her, I even dropped off an xmas present at her house, but she wouldn't see me.

 

In February 2015, she called me in tears after she started going to therapy, taking meds and had dumped her latest boyfriend and said she wanted to be friends again, so I accepted her apology and we tried to go back to normal, but I found that I never really trusted her again and our friendship was much more shallow. A week after she dumped the last bf, she got with a new one who is probably the most abusive and manipulative so far.

 

This caused a lot of tension between us, because I lost my ability to be sympathetic when she refused to break up with him after he proved again and again to be a jerk and I was still angry about the way she'd treated me before.

 

My other friends told me to drop her because they said she was only friends with me because I had material things to offer her (like a place to stay close to campus) and I was always giving her rides everywhere because she doesn't have a car. They were friends with her in high school too and she ignored them and never spent time with them afterwards. I was the only friend she bothered to care for and keep up with. At first I thought it was just because we were very close, but one of the friends once posted a status on facebook saying he needed help spending his extra dining points, and she let him buy her some things and then never spoke to him again.

 

I don't remember the last time she took one for the team with anyone. If something is the slightest inconvenience for her, she just won't do it because "it's not practical" and her logic is always "why should I do things if I don't want to?". She's flaked out on her plans with me dozens of times over the years as well.

So I began to think that my friends were right - maybe she was only using me for what I could give.

 

This fall, my boyfriend broke up with me, and she was hardly ever there because she lives with the same jerk she always complains about now. In the meantime, she kept telling me about how sad her bf was making her, and she even dumped him once, only to get back with him 3 days later. While they were "broken up" though, she came right back to my house to stay, until she got back with him. Even after that she still complained to me about how mean he was to her.

 

The last time I saw her was a few weeks ago when she came over to ask me for a ride to the metro station because she was going to meet her bf downtown. I told her no, because I hate the bf and I was mad at her.

 

Here's where it gets tricky though. Even though she hasn't physically been here, it's not like she hasn't tried to be supportive. For the first two months after my breakup, she messaged me almost every day to check up on me and make sure I was doing alright. She brought me cake sometimes and her little sisters made cards for me. But I only gave luke-warm answers most of the time because I was so upset, and after getting it in my head that she was just using me for my house/car, all I could think of when she tried to be kind was that she was just buttering me up some more.

 

But when I think about it, that sounds like a very mean-spirited attitude to have. Even when she's nice to me though, I just feel bitter and upset at her for what happened last year and for some reason the fact that she's still with this guy really pisses me off, even though I'm not the one who has to date him. I don't feel like she understands how I feel and the constant messages felt overbearing I just don't enjoy speaking to her anymore and when she stopped messaging me, I was honestly more relieved than anything. When she texted me today I was rather surprised, but replied civilly.

 

Am I being petty for still being mad about what happened last year? Was she using me, or am I just making that up to fuel my anger and pushing away a good friend because I'm depressed and upset after a breakup? Sometimes I feel like I'm picking out all the negatives and forgetting the positives that brought us together in the first place. But since I'm the only person in our group of friends who has had these good experiences, it does make me question her motives.

 

Any insight is appreciated here.

[whichwayisup]

She's a mess and it's good she's going to therapy. Since you've known each other for many years, this friendship is worth saving and fighting for. It's upto you, weigh the options (pro/con list). not sure how old you both are but as you get older it's good to have friends you've known for a long time, also she will grow and learn from counseling and that will change her for the better. Seems she just has a lot of stuff she needs to work through but she has been a caring friend to you when you need some TLC.

 

People are flawed, pick your battles and decide what you can or can't put up with. Maybe in time setting boundaries with her and actually 'talking' about your friendship with her, sorting it out may improve things and make you closer friends.

[Raina314]

She's a mess and it's good she's going to therapy. Since you've known each other for many years, this friendship is worth saving and fighting for. It's upto you, weigh the options (pro/con list). not sure how old you both are but as you get older it's good to have friends you've known for a long time, also she will grow and learn from counseling and that will change her for the better. Seems she just has a lot of stuff she needs to work through but she has been a caring friend to you when you need some TLC.

 

People are flawed, pick your battles and decide what you can or can't put up with. Maybe in time setting boundaries with her and actually 'talking' about your friendship with her, sorting it out may improve things and make you closer friends.

 

Maybe so. She stopped going to therapy almost half a year ago, though, so I don't know how much better she's going to get.

 

Still, I know a friendship shouldn't be conditional on whether or not a friend is still in therapy., and I do feel bad for still being angry. But Im just never happy to see her anymore. I'm tired of hearing her complain about a guy she should've never dated in the first place and trying to dispense advice I know will never be taken.

 

Why does that one thing bother me so much?

[preraph]

She probably is using you a little. It may be a survival tool from childhood or something.

 

I feel that period that she went through when she was mad at you about everything may have been just part of her mental stability at the time. It coincided with her dark thoughts. Maybe she's even bipolar or just gets like that with depression. Maybe when she's not down, she has a better filter and knows when to keep quiet and be reasonable. So consider that.

 

Her abusive childhood has made abuse and chaos "normal" to her. I am very glad she has started therapy, and you should support that any way you can, regardless of stupid things she's doing at the same time. Therapy will bring up some issues for her and you may see some odd behavior as it does, but hopefully it will help her in the long run.

 

You are perfectly right not to enable her as regards giving rides to go to abusive boyfriend OR letting her take advantage of you financially. Honestly, she may gripe about it, but my guess is one reason she's still friends with you is because you set limits, something a child from abusive parents needs. They were no doubt unfair and irrational and that's the reasoning she learned from them. You set normal fair clear-cut limits and boundaries and stick to them and let her know why it's important to you. Don't apologize. She's drawn to these abusive guys because that's what's normal to her. She has skills to deal with them from having to adapt to being with her parents, so that is in a weird way a comfort zone to her. It's how the cycle perpetuates. She will have to keep up the therapy and probably some behavior modification to see how setting her own limits will attract better men. But it's not an easy road, because even though she may be taught how her changing will attract safer men, there is still the element of attraction. I had a friend like that. She did finally get through it and onto better men, but it certainly doesn't always happen.

 

Keep doing what you're doing. If you checking up on her makes her feel loved, then do it. You don't have to support her about these abusive men. Don't wear yourself out trying to nag her about it. She has therapy for that now, but pick your wars and give her a dose of wisdom and reality once in awhile. The therapist will probably ferret out the financial usery. Just don't let her do it to you. Because you know what? You are the best role model she has. So don't let her anger make you change to be more like her. Stay just as you are for her to look up to.

[DevotedBaker54]

Well you guys have a history! Children who grow up in abusive households don't get the chance to understand what healthy relationships look like. Maybe she thinks abusive relationships are normal? Could you have a discussion with her about what she expects out of a relationship and maybe you can give her your opinions on what a good friendship looks like.

I'm glad she has you in her life because it sounds like you are a light in her life. I think it's good that you want to set boundaries with her and make sure she isn't taking advantage of you.

Have you told her that you are still upset about what happened last year? Maybe talking about it will make things better. Best of luck!

[Raina314]

You guys make good points.

 

Today she messaged me and says she hasn't talked to me lately because I've seemed really apathetic and don't seem to care either way when I see her, but it's not because she's mad. So I told her to not worry about me thinking she's mad, she did the right thing, because I have honestly felt better alone lately. She replied "I'm not worried, because I did nothing wrong." And that was that.

 

We do have a really long history and I do think she needs a good friend to help her out. I'm just struggling with being that person and I feel really bad because I honestly don't know if I want to be anymore. Every time I hear her complain about this guy I just get so angry. And whenever she comes to stay over she leaves her things lying everywhere. I know I could talk to her about some of this stuff, but she's very sensitive and she's gotten upset at me for less, so I feel like any progress I could make would be very arduous and slow-going.

 

What it comes down to is that I don't really want to nourish this friendship any longer. We don't have much in common anymore and I'm relieved when I don't hear from her. I just feel really, really bad because I know you guys are right that she does need a good example of a healthy relationship of some kind and abandoning her feels wrong. I don't know how to reconcile these two feelings with myself, and it's all kind of overshadowed by my main struggle with my breakup, which has really robbed me of my sense of self.

[preraph]

Well, sometimes the strongest message you can send is that good friends don't put up with self-destructive behavior. I mean, it wouldn't hurt to let her know her talking about this guy is like watching her walk out in front of a bus.

[Raina314]

It's been a while, but I need to vent about this.

 

In June, my friend finally graduated from college and sent me a card thanking me for being there all those years and expressing that she was sad we didn't talk anymore. I told her we could talk as soon as I got back from my trip, and we did, and I finally told her honestly (but as nicely as I could) everything that had been bothering me. She cried, and I told her I didn't want to hurt her, but wanted to move forward on a positive note and she agreed. Then, about a month later, she told me she still "raged at me" for not talking to her that Spring, but then said "I'll still be here for you though, cuz I know I'm a good person." I told her I understood that she was still mad, and expressed that I felt the same way when she didn't talk to me, to which she replied "It's really not gracious of you to bring up that time. We should both just move on." So it's somehow perfectly okay for her to bring up her past issues with me but if I express my feelings about the issues I've had with her it's not gracious. But hey, thank goodness she's a good person and still wants to be there for me .

 

Still, we see each other at events and stuff and are seemingly friendly, even though deep down I'm not really happy to see her. I invited her to come to a fancy Halloween party in DC on Monday. Yesterday, she messaged me and said she'd like to go and asked for details. I sent them to her, for the party, you need to either have a costume or dress in cocktail attire. Then she said she didn't have a costume. So I pointed out that she could wear a cocktail dress. She replied by saying she didn't have a cocktail dress. I know that's unlikely - but I offered to let her borrow one of mine. Then she finally came out with the truth that she didn't actually wanna go after all cuz she's having anxiety issues again. This flakiness thing has always been a problem with her, and I really feel like just giving up. I'm tired of her BS and I don't understand why she keeps acting like she wants to be friends with me and then flipping around and doing the opposite. I don't have time for this nonsense.

[JewelD]

It's been a while, but I need to vent about this.

 

In June, my friend finally graduated from college and sent me a card thanking me for being there all those years and expressing that she was sad we didn't talk anymore. I told her we could talk as soon as I got back from my trip, and we did, and I finally told her honestly (but as nicely as I could) everything that had been bothering me. She cried, and I told her I didn't want to hurt her, but wanted to move forward on a positive note and she agreed. Then, about a month later, she told me she still "raged at me" for not talking to her that Spring, but then said "I'll still be here for you though, cuz I know I'm a good person." I told her I understood that she was still mad, and expressed that I felt the same way when she didn't talk to me, to which she replied "It's really not gracious of you to bring up that time. We should both just move on." So it's somehow perfectly okay for her to bring up her past issues with me but if I express my feelings about the issues I've had with her it's not gracious. But hey, thank goodness she's a good person and still wants to be there for me .

 

Still, we see each other at events and stuff and are seemingly friendly, even though deep down I'm not really happy to see her. I invited her to come to a fancy Halloween party in DC on Monday. Yesterday, she messaged me and said she'd like to go and asked for details. I sent them to her, for the party, you need to either have a costume or dress in cocktail attire. Then she said she didn't have a costume. So I pointed out that she could wear a cocktail dress. She replied by saying she didn't have a cocktail dress. I know that's unlikely - but I offered to let her borrow one of mine. Then she finally came out with the truth that she didn't actually wanna go after all cuz she's having anxiety issues again. This flakiness thing has always been a problem with her, and I really feel like just giving up. I'm tired of her BS and I don't understand why she keeps acting like she wants to be friends with me and then flipping around and doing the opposite. I don't have time for this nonsense.

 

You can end it at any time. Why did you invite her to a party if you're still mad at her and it hasn't been addressed?

 

I don't understand why you're upset at her not wanting to go to the party though. Was she the only person you were going with? Is she usually a 'party girl'? She probably said she wanted to go because she wanted to hang out with you but then changed her mind about the party.

 

Happens to me all the time, except now I don't even bother saying I'm going because I'm not a fan of parties anymore. Still, sometimes people with anxiety get stressed because they know if they keep saying 'no', people will stop inviting them, but they also don't want to go to a particular event. At least she was honest. If it was lunch with just the two of you, that would be different, but I imagine you still went to the party anyway?

[Downtown]

She had a pretty miserable childhood that understandably messed her up pretty badly.... having suicidal thoughts....

Raina, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, rapid flips between Jekyll (liking you) and Hyde (devaluing you), very controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, distrustful of you, need for frequent drama, lack of impulse control, low empathy, suicidal ideation, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) [and, to a lesser extent, narcissism].

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your friend has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. If so, it is not surprising she reports having had a "pretty miserable childhood" and "abusive parents." About 70% of BPDers report that they had been abandoned or abused by a parent during childhood.

 

She also started being really cold to me.... she was angry with me for asking her to pay half of the fee for an Amazon Prime account we shared.... A few weeks later, she messaged me and told me she was angry with me for not messaging her every day.

The repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of a BPDer relationship. It occurs because a BPDer's two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that it is impossible for you to back away from triggering one of her fears without starting to trigger the other fear.

 

I don't understand why she keeps acting like she wants to be friends with me and then flipping around and doing the opposite.

As I said, it is impossible to avoid triggering the two fears if she exhibits strong BPD traits. As you draw close to assure her of your loyalty and deep friendship, you will trigger a BPDer's engulfment fear. Although BPDers crave intimacy and close friendships like nearly every other adult, they cannot tolerate it for very long. Due to a BPDer's fragile, weak sense of self identity, she will quickly feel like you're trying to control her -- and she will get the scary feeling of being suffocated or engulfed. She therefore will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing (e.g., splitting the Amazon fee) -- to push you away.

 

Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you unavoidably will start triggering her abandonment fear (e.g., "accused me of making time for my then boyfriend and other friends, but not her). Hence, if your friend is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), you were always in a lose/lose situation. You lost no matter what you did. The result is that a BPDer may have many casual friends but typically has no close long-term friends, unless the friend lives a long distance away. Once a casual friend makes the mistake of drawing close, she will start triggering the BPDer's two great fears.

 

But hey, thank goodness she's a good person and still wants to be there for me.

Of course, you are being sarcastic here. I mention it because, if your friend actually does exhibit strong BPD traits, she likely is a good person for the most part. BPDers generally are good people. Their problem is not being bad but, rather, emotionally unstable. Their inability to regulate emotions results in frequent intense feelings that distorts their perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations. This is how an innocuous statement like "you shouldn't care what other people think of you..." can be perceived as malicious and nonsupporting.

 

Any insight is appreciated here.

I caution that learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your friend's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid trying to establish a close long-term friendship with a friend who is so unstable she is incapable of trusting you. As you know, trust is the foundation on which all friendships must be built if they are to be lasting.

 

I also caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your friend exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and sudden flips between liking and disliking you.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those red flags sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Raina.

[preraph]

Look, she's got problems. At least she finally came clean with you about why she didn't want to go to the party. I'm sure there was a time she would have just left you hanging and not understanding why she was flaking.

 

I certainly understand why you feel drained from this relationship, and so you just have to decide if it's worth salvaging. This person has big problems and she certainly needs a friend, but if she abuses that privilege too much, it's a lesson she needs to learn. If it were me, I would probably just have less frequent contact, but I see that in itself is the source of a lot of disagreements between you. If I did a fade on a friend, I wouldn't necessarily be confronted about it with her demanding an explanation and telling me she was hurt. Some of us don't always want to know what the other person is thinking about us in their darkest moments. I think this is the area where boundaries are lacking, because you both seem to always want to pull apologies and excuses out of each other. You seem to have good boundaries, but you're in a tug of war with her on this issue. I have no answer to that other than maybe if you stopped demanding excuses from her, maybe she would do the same (or maybe she wouldn't).

 

If you could reach a point where there wasn't as much confrontation then it would be easier to just not see her as often. And every time you saw her wouldn't be a confrontation. It's the only idea I have on this. But if you just feel too drained, then by all means just break it off with her if you think that's the only way.

[Raina314]

Raina, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, rapid flips between Jekyll (liking you) and Hyde (devaluing you), very controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, distrustful of you, need for frequent drama, lack of impulse control, low empathy, suicidal ideation, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) [and, to a lesser extent, narcissism].

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your friend has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. If so, it is not surprising she reports having had a "pretty miserable childhood" and "abusive parents." About 70% of BPDers report that they had been abandoned or abused by a parent during childhood.

 

Wow. I knew she had anxiety/depression, but I never thought it might be something more complex than that. Thank you for the insight.

 

As I said, it is impossible to avoid triggering the two fears if she exhibits strong BPD traits. As you draw close to assure her of your loyalty and deep friendship, you will trigger a BPDer's engulfment fear. Although BPDers crave intimacy and close friendships like nearly every other adult, they cannot tolerate it for very long. Due to a BPDer's fragile, weak sense of self identity, she will quickly feel like you're trying to control her -- and she will get the scary feeling of being suffocated or engulfed. She therefore will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing (e.g., splitting the Amazon fee) -- to push you away.

 

Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you unavoidably will start triggering her abandonment fear (e.g., "accused me of making time for my then boyfriend and other friends, but not her). Hence, if your friend is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), you were always in a lose/lose situation. You lost no matter what you did. The result is that a BPDer may have many casual friends but typically has no close long-term friends, unless the friend lives a long distance away. Once a casual friend makes the mistake of drawing close, she will start triggering the BPDer's two great fears.

 

Yeah, that's true about her. I was the only long-term close friend she had and before all this started I just thought it was cuz we had a special bond, but to be honest I was always a bit unnerved by the way she treated our other friends and found it hard to make excuses for her behavior to them. The first sign I had was when she flipped out because we split an apple pie a-la-mode dessert and I accidentally ate more than my half of the ice cream on top since it got mixed in with the whipped cream. I should've known that wasn't normal, in retrospect.

Of course, you are being sarcastic here. I mention it because, if your friend actually does exhibit strong BPD traits, she likely is a good person for the most part. BPDers generally are good people. Their problem is not being bad but, rather, emotionally unstable. Their inability to regulate emotions results in frequent intense feelings that distorts their perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations. This is how an innocuous statement like "you shouldn't care what other people think of you..." can be perceived as malicious and nonsupporting.

 

That's what makes this so hard for me. I've seen her be a wonderful person, and deep down I kinda know this craziness isn't really her fault. And I don't like to blame people for things that aren't their fault. However, it's also not something I can blame myself for, leaving no one really capable of taking responsibility for the problems at hand. I can't expect her to fix herself cuz she has issues that seem to hinder her from doing so, but I can't fix her either and since no one else has ever treated me this way, I'm inclined to just turn my back and spend time on the people that see and appreciate me for what I am.

I caution that learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your friend's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid trying to establish a close long-term friendship with a friend who is so unstable she is incapable of trusting you. As you know, trust is the foundation on which all friendships must be built if they are to be lasting.

 

I also caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your friend exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and sudden flips between liking and disliking you.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those red flags sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Raina.

 

I read those other posts - thank you, you really seem to know what you're talking about and provided a lot of helpful insight. Another question: She has a really short memory that sorta clouds her perception of reality. The other day she said she couldn't remember having ever persistently stuck with something (ie, a goal, hobby, project, etc...) in her life, which couldn't be farther from the truth. She was a computer science major and worked exhaustively towards her degree until she finished it, and is now a software developer. Her courses were really hard and she spent many sleepless nights working to complete her assignments, and when I brought that up she was like "oh, I guess I forgot all about that!" which just seems crazy to me because she was so stressed and consumed by it at the time. She loves her sisters but has to ask me how old they are because she honestly forgets. Many other times, she's simply forgotten things we've done together, memories we made before, even the man she lost her virginity to. Things that normal people would probably find unforgettable.

 

Is her memory issue also a BPD symptom or could it be a coping mechanism from childhood since she went through so much trauma with her parents?

 

Look, she's got problems. At least she finally came clean with you about why she didn't want to go to the party. I'm sure there was a time she would have just left you hanging and not understanding why she was flaking.

 

I certainly understand why you feel drained from this relationship, and so you just have to decide if it's worth salvaging. This person has big problems and she certainly needs a friend, but if she abuses that privilege too much, it's a lesson she needs to learn. If it were me, I would probably just have less frequent contact, but I see that in itself is the source of a lot of disagreements between you. If I did a fade on a friend, I wouldn't necessarily be confronted about it with her demanding an explanation and telling me she was hurt. Some of us don't always want to know what the other person is thinking about us in their darkest moments. I think this is the area where boundaries are lacking, because you both seem to always want to pull apologies and excuses out of each other. You seem to have good boundaries, but you're in a tug of war with her on this issue. I have no answer to that other than maybe if you stopped demanding excuses from her, maybe she would do the same (or maybe she wouldn't).

 

If you could reach a point where there wasn't as much confrontation then it would be easier to just not see her as often. And every time you saw her wouldn't be a confrontation. It's the only idea I have on this. But if you just feel too drained, then by all means just break it off with her if you think that's the only way.

 

I'm doing the less frequent contact thing, as we have mutual friends (this always seems to be my problem, lol) and seeing each other at events would be very painful and awkward if we literally didn't speak at all. I can have a casual conversation with her and be fine and I don't feel I need her on a deeper level anymore. The only problem with that is, as you said, that makes her angry sometimes. But I think I'll just have to let that be her problem, because being close just doesn't work anymore. She doesn't trust me and honestly I don't trust her because I don't know what will set her off. If I have a problem, I'm much more likely to just swallow it since I know that talking about it will just make her defensive and upset. I won't stop going to events I want to go to just because she's there, and if she can be civil in person then that's really the best I can hope for.

 

I just hope I don't start getting more angry messages from her. I'm not sure whether it's best to ignore them or to try and respond with patience and understanding, cuz I'm running low on both and may just end up getting defensive.

[preraph]

Why don't you tell her you're tired of having confrontations about every little thing and that it makes most of your interactions negative and not fun and if she wants to keep interacting, she needs to stop being confrontational and just try to be a person who knows how to have fun instead and also that you are who you are and she can accept you as you are or not but you're tired of making apologies and excuses to her.

[Raina314]

Why don't you tell her you're tired of having confrontations about every little thing and that it makes most of your interactions negative and not fun and if she wants to keep interacting, she needs to stop being confrontational and just try to be a person who knows how to have fun instead and also that you are who you are and she can accept you as you are or not but you're tired of making apologies and excuses to her.

 

You're right. I'll do that next time. I was just always scared before cuz I felt like it was all my fault and i got intimidated by her outbursts. But I won't anymore. Thanks, preraph:)

[Downtown]

Is her memory issue also a BPD symptom?

No, Raina, BPDers (i.e., those exhibiting strong BPD traits) have as good a memory as other people do. If your exGF is a BPDer, what you are seeing is not a memory problem but, rather, a "rewriting of history." BPDers are notorious for this. My BPDer exW, for example, would agree to do something and then, several days later, would be absolutely convinced that we had agreed on something very different.

 

This BPDer behavior is not due to a memory problem but, instead, to being unable to regulate one's own emotions. The result is that BPDers frequently experience feelings that are so intense that they are convinced the feeling MUST be true. Due to their emotional immaturity, BPDers are unable to intellectually challenge those intense feelings. Instead, they accept them as self-evident "facts."

 

My exW, for example, had a normal memory. That did not stop her, however, from rewriting history in her mind nearly every week. She had a false self image of being "The Victim." That feeling of being "the Victim" was so strong that she was absolutely convinced that any unhappiness or misfortune was MY fault, i.e., it was something I had done to her.

 

Although this happened hundreds of times, I will give you two examples. The first is the $4,000 piano I bought her. I purchased it because she kept telling me how much she loved to play the piano because it was such a comfort to her -- and it helped to calm her down. So, of course, I purchased one and had it delivered as a surprise gift. She was absolutely thrilled. Yet, in the subsequent three years, she played that piano a total of only 5 hours. Yes, that's right -- 5 hours in 3 years. So when I decided to sell it 3 years later, she told me she never really wanted a piano. She claimed I had made a mistake in buying it for her.

 

The second example is the $11,000 she spent on 3 sewing machines and fabric. She had this mistaken notion that she somehow was "a seamstress" but, in 15 years, she managed to make only one dress, one vest, and a cat collar. And because she had made all of those purchases on her own -- without consulting with me -- you might think she would have only herself to blame for throwing away $11,000.

 

Yet, when I asked her why she would not use the machines she had purchased, she explained that none of them would work properly because they lacked important functions. Of course, I then asked why she had chosen to buy 3 machines, all of which were unsuitable for her sewing needs. She explained that she had purchased inadequate machines because, each time, she greatly feared my response if she had spent more to acquire a more expensive machine offering all the necessary sewing features. In her mind, then, she had ended up with 3 useless machines because I had prevented her from buying what she needed -- never mind that she had never even asked me.

 

To a BPDer, her perception of reality is whatever intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT. Hence, even if she is blessed with an excellent memory -- or is presented with irrefutable evidence like the 3 perfectly good sewing machines setting in front of my exW -- she trusts that intense feeling. Whenever her feeling is intense, she accepts it as "reality" and will not trust her own memory or her intellectual understanding of the situation. This behavior is one of the primitive ego defenses we all use in childhood. Hence, as you correctly observe, this ego defense is "a coping mechanism from childhood since she went through so much trauma with her parents," as you say in post #12 above.

 

If this behavior seems strange to you, keep in mind that YOU do it too. Indeed, we all do. The human condition is such that, whenever we experience intense feelings, our judgment goes out the window. Accordingly, by the time we are in high school, most of us realize that intense feelings always distort our perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations.

 

This is why, when we are very angry, we try to keep our mouths shut -- and our fingers off the keys -- until we have time to cool down. And this is why, when we are very infatuated, we try to wait two years before buying the ring. Well, BPDers are like this too. Only much MORE SO -- because they experience intense feelings far more often and they take much longer to recover from those feelings due to their inability to do self soothing.

 

...sorta clouds her perception of reality.

Yes, but remember, BPDers see physical reality just fine. That is, they don't believe that the TV news anchor is speaking to them personally -- as could occur for someone who is psychotic (i.e., "crazy"). As I noted above, the part of reality that is distorted for BPDers is their perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations.

 

I don't like to blame people for things that aren't their fault. However, it's also not something I can blame myself for, leaving no one really capable of taking responsibility for the problems at hand.

On the contrary, it is important that the BPDer be held fully accountable for her own bad behaviors and bad choices. Otherwise, you will be harming her by being an enabler who destroys her opportunities to improve herself. BPDers typically have the emotional development of a four year old. As with a young child, they have a limited set of emotional skills and a primitive set of ego defenses. Yet, even with a four year old, it is important that they be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of their own actions (within reason). Otherwise, they will have no incentive to learn how to use more mature ego defenses and how to regulate their own emotions.

 

I can't expect her to fix herself cuz she has issues that seem to hinder her from doing so.

I agree. As I said, it is important that a BPDer be held responsible for problems she creates. Otherwise, she has no incentive to improve. This does not imply, however, that she will follow through by doing the years of hard work in therapy that it takes to acquire the missing emotional skills. When BPD traits are strong, only a small share of BPDers (I would guess 5%) have sufficient self awareness to realize they have these issues. And only a portion of those self-aware BPDers have the ego strength to remain in therapy long enough to make a real difference.

 

She doesn't trust me and honestly I don't trust her because I don't know what will set her off.

When a person cannot love or trust herself, she is incapable of trusting anyone else for an extended period. And, when a person cannot trust YOU, you can never trust HER -- because she is capable of turning on you at any time, and almost certainly will do so. This is why TRUST is the foundation on which all friendships and other close relationships must be built if they are to be long lasting. Edited November 3, 2016 by Downtown