Almost 20 years of friendship seems to be at an end.

[deckard11]

I've been having issues with my so-called best friend as I call him now for well over a year. And it's over his wife. Brief backstory, he met this gal on a dating site, red flags from the start. She said she was "in love" with him after only 3 weeks of dating and they hadn't even slept together yet. From the get go she tried controlling him. He has a lot of female friends and she told him he could no longer have contact with them. He wised up after a few months and ended things with her but he took her back a few months later. Last November he was in a car accident and a female friend/coworker of his simply texted him to see how he was recovering. His girlfriend went crazy and yelled at him for this. He then dumped her again but only to become engaged to her 3 weeks later. I told him he was making a mistake. This woman is controlling, jealous and very insecure. So they get married the first of this year. Flash forward a few months later, we all fly to Los Angeles for his brothers(also my close friend) wedding. He is in the wedding and his wife demands that he not lock arms with the bridesmaid he has to escort down the aisle. The groom hears about this and confronts her and she lays off. Is that a crazy request or what? Anyways, it pissed me off as well that she would behave like that at his wedding.

 

My best friend and I use to hang out twice a month for guy time. I haven't seen him all year other than the wedding. He said he is not allowed to hang out with me because his wife won't allow him to hang out with people that don't like her. Sorry for my language, but she is a straight up bitch. So he's basically thrown away almost 20 years of friendship to someone he's barley known a year. And also, this is already his second marriage. He sures know how to pick them. Sorry for the vent, but it's been built up in me.

[deckard11]

Any advice on this would be appreciated. Thanks.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Well, he's made his decision. Part of true friendship, for me at least, is loving and respecting your friend even when they do things you think are ridiculous. It comes close to unconditional love, no matter what stupid thing a best friend does, what they screw up, which inappropriate person they marry, whether they just got fired for a stupid reason or cheated on their partner, the role as a friend is to support, listen, not necessarily endorse the bad decisions but to love them and be there anyway. Unless they do something that breaks a value you hold so dear, that you couldn't associate with someone who'd done something in particular.

 

So, do you want to save the friendship? If so, make it clear you would like to get to know his wife. Play the game. Even if a friend of mine has a boyfriend I don't particularly like, I treat him like part of the group, make conversation, invite him along to stuff, if someone I love so much has chosen then, then I'm fine with that. It's gonna be the only way to maintain the friendship for you I think.

 

Focus on trying to build the bond between you and his wife, not being best buds but at least going round, being nice, treating her respectfully and never trash talking her to your friend or mutual friends. He's obviously married her for his own reasons and beyond a concerned word, it's not your place to be trying to decide who he's with, even if to the outside world it seems a ridiculous choice of partner.

 

However... him saying 'my wife won't let me' might just be a cop out. He's a grown man, if he wants to see his friends, he will. If it causes trouble, he'll address the problems within the relationship leading to something so innocuous being a problem, not stop seeing friends. If he wants to see you bad enough he'll make it happen. So if you're getting nowhere, stop bending over backwards as maybe he just feels that the friendship has been outgrown, or perhaps he prioritises his irrational wife over his long term friendship, in which case... lie low, leave him to it, be there for him when it all falls apart. From the sound of it, it will.

[Omei]

People make mistakes huge ones !

 

Me and a 12 year friend had a falling out I even made a post about it, we didnt speak for half a year.

 

Anyway I keep my heart open and just waited....she came back to me when she needed me most. True friends will come back and repair.

 

I think whatever hes got going on with this woman is a mistake also but his to make you've already shared your thoughts, the best advice that I can give is don't hold a grudge I dont know how long it will take him to leave that toxic relationship but when it happens I bet he will need you, his best friend! When that time comes be there with arms open and forgiveness (thats how me and my friend made up)

Edited December 14, 2015 by Omei

[preraph]

There are lots of people who will choose a romance over a friend. And there are plenty of men and women who don't like or trust their lover's friends. I have encountered it over and over, and yes, lost friends because of it. He changed for her. I've heard it said that men generally won't change for a woman but they'll change for the right woman. Now, that doesn't mean she isn't an insecure person or maybe you feel your friend deserves better, but this is what HE thinks he deserves, for whatever reason, and he's been willing to change for her, so it's serious at least for now.

 

Don't burn bridges. Just steer clear but send Christmas cards or the odd text twice a year or something. If it implodes, he'll know you're still his friend. Just be glad she's not doing it behind his back. I have that situation. An old friend who I then dated that I "threw back" married the next woman right away and she acts like a demon at me behind his back if I'm out in public where she is. He doesn't seem to notice and probably enjoys it. Good for his ego. There's no accounting for taste. She has plenty of reason to be jealous because she doesn't have much going for her and she was after him when he chose to date me, which she knows. What he probably neglected to tell her is I broke up with him, not the other way around. Seems like if she knew that, she'd realize I'm not after him.

[deckard11]

I'm so done with the whole thing. I've made my peace with it now and know that I am better off with no friends in my life. Just me and that's it. I've had too many so called friends say they would always be there for me and they are long gone. Not this time, I'm done. And I will not be there for them when it all falls apart.