I said the wrong thing once again!

[HansonGirl]

This is a very minor issue I have (if it even is one). well i always say the WRONG thing. Therefore i don't say much. Well recently at the end of our program, we were all saying our goodbyes, and i said we'll probably never see each other again. and in retrospect I am kicking myself for that. i truly believe it to be true - the odds are i probably never will - I am so bad at keeping in touch with people, and i wasn't very close to the girl i said it too. it's not like we hung out outside of the group. so yes it's REALISTIC that we'll probably never see each other, but I think it was very rude for me to have said that

 

the thing is i heard someone else say it once to somebody else, and i thought it made sense. it was a guy saying it to a guy though so I feel they wouldn't be as offended as a woman would be by another woman saying it.

 

so now i sort of feel bad and want to text her and say i hope it didnt come across wrong, i am just terrible at keeping in touch with people! (unless you have a better suggestion)

[jen1447]

I don't understand just what happened here ....

[Diezel]

If you're never going to see her again, why would you text her then?

 

You're never going to see her again.

[Tailor2000]

Put a reminder in your diary and text her in a month, ask how she's doing and if she wants to get a coffee. I don't know. What do you want out of this? Do you want to keep in touch?

[HansonGirl]

If you're never going to see her again, why would you text her then?

 

You're never going to see her again.

 

I'm sorry my post was confusing. I mean, I don't necessarily want to Never see her again, but the odds are I won't. but nevertheless i just think it was extremely rude for me to say that. Like, socially awkward and inappropriate. well i was also impatient and before receiving responses i went ahead and texted her and said sorry i said that, but i am really bad at keeping in touch, that's all i meant. she didnt respond and probably thinks I am a weirdo. man i totally suck at social situations and all it takes is me saying one wrong thing and then messing it up even further by like reminding people that i said it and awkwardly apologizing, or overreacting. i guess I've just overheard so many people change the way they view a person just by them saying one wrong thing. And I have been socially rejected so much. I just have very bad anxiety behaviors socially. i feel like everything i do is wrong, and so i overthink everything and sometimes get paralyzed into not showing any personality.

sigh. sorry i am ranting now. well the few times somebody has said the wrong thing to me and then later on sincerely apologized, i have appreciated it. hopefully she appreciates it. see how i make a mountain out of a mole hill? probably ruined any friendship happening thanks to my social anxiety behaviors!

[almond]

If your anxiety issues are holding you back from forming healthy friendships, then I suggest you look into treatment.

 

You don't have to live like this forever...put in the work to make changes and improve your situation.

[HansonGirl]

If your anxiety issues are holding you back from forming healthy friendships, then I suggest you look into treatment.

 

You don't have to live like this forever...put in the work to make changes and improve your situation.

 

I do have some healthy relationships. just get anxiety about newer friendships and such. but i agree, maybe I could see somebody regarding this!

[nescafe1982]

I agree with Almond. Generally speaking,everyone says the wrong thing at times, and you are probably not doing it more often than the average bear.

 

But the level of anxiety this is giving you (or the level of anxiety forming new friendships gives you) could actually bring on those "foot in mouth" moments.

 

Managing anxiety is tough, though.. always better to do it with a professional. Good luck OP!

[emerald86]

OP, I used to be just like you! Well, I still kind of am. I know fully well how it feels to overanalyze everything you say, and being afraid of saying the wrong thing. I can tell you that everyone says the wrong thing from time to time, but some people are more anxious about doing it.

 

There's one thing that's really helped me. I recently made a group of new friends at work, and at first I'd be afraid to say anything in front of them for fear of looking silly or saying the wrong thing. So all I would do is just sit there quietly, not really participating in the conversation. Then I really started observing the people around me. I started to observe how they act in social situations, what kinds of things they say, and how the other people react to them. And I noticed one thing--since this is a group of fun, silly people, 99% of the time, no one ever says anything that's overly intelligent. In fact, some of the things that these people say in conversations don't make much sense lol. I would think to myself, "Gosh, if I had said something so silly, I'd be humiliated! But this person says it so easily--I like that." So observing people's behavior has allowed me to loosen up a lot. I care much less now if I say the "wrong" thing, because most likely the people around me are saying some "wrong" things too. Doesn't matter if you look or sound silly--just be yourself, because that's probably what everyone else is doing.

 

Also if someone in the group embarrasses themselves, you'd probably notice it, but you'd also likely forget about it the very next second. It's the same for you--the people around you aren't nearly as critical of you as you are of yourself.

[applej4]

HansonGirl, you are REALLY overthinking this.

[HansonGirl]

OP, I used to be just like you! Well, I still kind of am. I know fully well how it feels to overanalyze everything you say, and being afraid of saying the wrong thing. I can tell you that everyone says the wrong thing from time to time, but some people are more anxious about doing it.

 

There's one thing that's really helped me. I recently made a group of new friends at work, and at first I'd be afraid to say anything in front of them for fear of looking silly or saying the wrong thing. So all I would do is just sit there quietly, not really participating in the conversation. Then I really started observing the people around me. I started to observe how they act in social situations, what kinds of things they say, and how the other people react to them. And I noticed one thing--since this is a group of fun, silly people, 99% of the time, no one ever says anything that's overly intelligent. In fact, some of the things that these people say in conversations don't make much sense lol. I would think to myself, "Gosh, if I had said something so silly, I'd be humiliated! But this person says it so easily--I like that." So observing people's behavior has allowed me to loosen up a lot. I care much less now if I say the "wrong" thing, because most likely the people around me are saying some "wrong" things too. Doesn't matter if you look or sound silly--just be yourself, because that's probably what everyone else is doing.

 

Also if someone in the group embarrasses themselves, you'd probably notice it, but you'd also likely forget about it the very next second. It's the same for you--the people around you aren't nearly as critical of you as you are of yourself.

 

awww thank you! i love this... thanks for the encouraging story!

[TunaCat]

OP, I don't see the issue at all.

 

I don't think it was rude to say what you said. Granted I usually am very blunt & honest and this sounds like something I'd say.

 

You're definitely overthinking it.

[SpiralOut]

You are overanalyzing what you said and beating yourself up because you expect yourself to be a perfect conversationalist. It's okay if you're not.

 

 

For the longest time I believed that everyone was better than me at making conversation. Then I realized that's not true. I felt inferior to outgoing people, feeling like I'm not as much fun, until I saw how they sometimes monopolize a conversation, or interrupt too much or don't really listen. I may not be the most talkative or entertaining person ever, but I make up for it by being an awesome listener and making sure everyone is included in the conversation. This doesn't make me better than them, or them better than me, we just have different styles.

 

 

We all have different conversation styles and none of them are totally perfect. You have your own style too and you have good qualities. So even if you make a mistake now and then, it doesn't matter too much. Most people will focus on what they like about you.

[emerald86]

OP, I don't see the issue at all.

 

I don't think it was rude to say what you said. Granted I usually am very blunt & honest and this sounds like something I'd say.

 

You're definitely overthinking it.

 

I completely agree with this. I definitely don't think there's anything wrong with what you said. Pretty sure I've said something similar loads of times!

[HansonGirl]

You are overanalyzing what you said and beating yourself up because you expect yourself to be a perfect conversationalist. It's okay if you're not.

 

 

For the longest time I believed that everyone was better than me at making conversation. Then I realized that's not true. I felt inferior to outgoing people, feeling like I'm not as much fun, until I saw how they sometimes monopolize a conversation, or interrupt too much or don't really listen. I may not be the most talkative or entertaining person ever, but I make up for it by being an awesome listener and making sure everyone is included in the conversation. This doesn't make me better than them, or them better than me, we just have different styles.

 

 

We all have different conversation styles and none of them are totally perfect. You have your own style too and you have good qualities. So even if you make a mistake now and then, it doesn't matter too much. Most people will focus on what they like about you.

 

hmm this describes my style too. (good listener, etc) i guess you are right, i am overthinking it. I guess part of it was that i couldn't really gauge her response, she seemed offended, so that's why I was freaking out. but i appreciate you all being supportive and making me feel better.

[DC77]

Way overthinking. You didn't like what you said. You felt you may have been rude. Don't text her. Don't make it more of an issue than you already have in your head. You learned a lesson. Try not to do it again. Move on with your life...

 

I know social anxiety sucks too. Been there and still go there at times. It sounds like nervousness to me. I say stupid things out of nervousness too. But who really cares. Most the time I just laugh about it. But I don't dwell. Don't apologize for being you...

 

And the more you expose yourself to social interaction the more comfortable you'll get. It takes practice just like anything else. Start by just saying hello to strangers. The gal at the grocery check out. The person in the elevator. Bus stop. Whatever. You make the initiative. (In another post I noticed you wait for people to come to you) The beauty of these little interactions are they're short. And unbeknownst to you, it may even make that persons day! And if you say something that you didn't like, oh well. Move on...

 

Just takes practice. And you're going to have fumbles and fails. That's what learning and life is about. Also, stop worrying so much what other people think. (I've seen this in your other posts too) because most of the time, they're not even thinking about you! We can get in our heads and suddenly the world revolves around us. Reality check, it doesn't.

 

You'll need to find some self confidence in yourself and get out of your head. If you want to be better at something put yourself out there, fall down, and have the confidence to keep standing and say 'no big deal'. It will open up a whole new world to you.

 

Warm Regards

Edited September 16, 2015 by DC77