needed with friend

[MillyZon4]

I have a complicated friendship that I am not sure what to do about.

 

I met him a several years ago through work and we became good friends. He is gay so there has never been any sexual tension. He ended up going through a professional crisis shortly after and moving away, to which he couldn't afford to keep his job as a freelance artist, lost his dog, and has been living on government aid ever since because of the mental problems that ensued. Our friendship remained through the distance, with both of us helping each other to laugh and heal throughout life's twists and turns.

 

My friend introduced me to my now husband, and I ended up moving to the city they both live in. With my friend, I have gotten a sense that no matter what I give, it is not enough. I have even watched him cut off a few friends in the meantime whom he believes with full conviction are crazy and have revealed they are terrible people when from my perspective, are actually very kind people feeling their generosity has been exploited and were trying to make a rational argument. He has a strong pattern of cutting people off when they don't meet his criteria of friendship. He even warned me not to do the same to me shortly after introducing me to my husband, implying I could be one of them.

 

I am at a point where I feel that somewhere in his mind, he feels very jealous and bitter since I have less to give and is constantly testing me in our friendship. I feel very appreciative of our past and how he introduced me to my husband and for the kindness he has shown, but I also feel constantly indebted no matter how much I give, that it will honestly never be enough to satisfy him. It's really sad because I know how wonderful things would be if he would only accept me for who I am and what I can give. I know he really cares about me and is the kind of person who will give his last penny to make you smile, but wants to be a bigger part of my life than I can honestly give. I feel exhausted and worn out by that, and also sorry for him because I know he struggles and has emotional problems.

 

I am not sure what to do. I care about him as a person, see the good in him and know how much our friendship dissolving would hurt him. At the same time, I feel drained and start questioning myself when I am around him. It's gotten to a point where we haven't had contact in weeks. Any advice is very very welcomed!!!!

[preraph]

Oh, that's tough. Sounds like he wants sort of the same commitment in a friendship you get in a romantic relationship. Probably hates to be alone. Of course, he needs to learn to be alone, and he needs to be in therapy. He might have abandonment issue or something. No way to know, I guess.

 

What he needs most is for his friends to keep an eye out for anyone to introduce him to. He needs a mate who is willing to be full-time. Meanwhile, all you can do is tell him you love him to death but don't have as much time to give as you wish you did and when you do spend time with him, spend it out socializing so maybe he'll meet someone. Take him to gay bars, casinos, concerts, any place people mingle.

[Tailor2000]

Silly question, but what exactly have you given him apart from a bit of advice and support?

 

I get the sense that you think he would do anything for you, he got you introduced to your now husband, and would give his last penny.

 

Doesn't sound like you're that close to him though - if ever you were? Which is going to come crashing down on him if he thought that you were. I would say put the poor lad out of his misery and end it.