exhausted by bullying

[sparkle222]

i've been wiped out by bullying among my peers and sometimes i feel like i'm going to crack.

 

it started at school with jealousy among competitive peers and a nasty guy; it got worse at university when a group of girls and guys ganged up on me (figuratively and literally); i moved university and thought it would get better (or at least that i'd be left alone) but tried a rs which fell apart and got a lot of bullying (i try to take it as 'banter') for being older and foreign (because of the move). i finally pulled my life together and got what i wanted (if i was competing against anyone it was the people from my old uni not here) but this only made the bullying worse--my 'friends' (along with the guy) who probably thought i was just a bit weird/unthreatening but nice before got jealous and started ostracising and belittling me (i was living with them and they just stopped speaking to me, forming groups without me--this lasted all year etc). i can see how sometimes some of my actions came off as uncaring (i was busy so didn't have much time and in the end reacted to their belittling with belittling too) but they were rarely motivated by malice and mostly by stress and/or not always wanting to deal with aggressive insecure people.

 

i'm honestly so tired of all this -- i don't understand how so many people manage to have relationships, i feel like all i do is take the burden of other people's insecurities and meanness, and that by opening up to people i just give them bullying fodder, and at the end of the day i don't really have any genuine/kind friends or relationship prospects.

 

am i the only person who feels this way? it feels so cynical. i feel like no matter how hard i try to be a kind and genuine person i just get pushed around and manipulated and any offhand stupid remark i make is immediately twisted against me. i don't know if i just am or come off as weak but it's exhausting?!

[StalwartMind]

Far from the only one who has a dislike of many other humans, it can be exhausting in many ways to deal with others. Even actual genuine/kind people can end up draining other similar people too, there certainly is some challenging balance to maintain. As such we are all very different. Bullying, belittling, insulting or otherwise wanting to unload a plethora of negative and mean things at someone, is a core personality issue. Most have and are capable of of such, as we all have to defend ourselves, and sometimes it'll make us fight fire with fire. Ideally, you shouldn't be around people where this is ever an issue, or at least it's a very infrequent one.

 

I can't speak for others, although the few people I do have close to me, share the same views and would be able to recognize what you write as well. Most of all it just feels like, if you are a person who typically puts in a lot of effort and cares about your fellow humans, there can be far between those who will actually show you even greater kindness and reciprocate well. Is it exhausting and at times demotivating to the point where you questioning if it's even worth it? Absolutely, since you are giving something of yourself and not receiving anything in return of the same sort. This in itself may not be a mystery, but it's still very important for any of us to function.

 

In general I feel the less understanding someone is of others, the more difficult a relationship will be with that person, at least if you intend for it to be on a bit deeper level. Most of us likely want others to be somewhat similar to ourselves, be it with views or what we expect. This feeling should resonate well others, especially those who perhaps feel like not many if any even understands them at all. To have no one be able to relate or understand you, is possibly what makes many feel really lonely, even if they are otherwise surrounded by people.

 

Unfortunately there isn't an easy way to discover and meet people who will connect perfectly with you, we do have to go through many, sometimes for years to actually meet those who will have the biggest impact on our life. A lot of people have insecurities or otherwise don't know what they want, I find it hard to come across those with a high integrity, which is something I value. Even so, I do know sometimes that even those who struggle, might just need a little nudge to end up where they need to be, in order to become a potential great friend or partner. As such everything we do is a choice, I like to treat every individual on a one on one basis, as I feel generalizing things is often the best way to make mistakes when it comes to dealing with other humans.

[Satu]

People tend to mirror back at us the way we feel about ourselves.

 

Build a solid and positive self-image, by identifying your strengths and building on them.

 

Nobody can love you more than you love yourself.

 

 

Take care.

[nescafe1982]

Are you still at university now? I ask because most schools have great access to therapy, where you could process this stuff and come up with assertive ways to deal with bullies.

 

I agree with Satu that people who are routinely bullied tend to a) have lowered or insecure self-esteem, and also b) they often find themselves bullied in environment after environment. If you're in a new cultural context where you're also 'foreign,' people can be brutal to newcomers as well.

 

Breaking the bullying cycle will depend on you working out new behavioural responses to nasty people in your life. It's a skill that must be learned, and best learned in therapy. If you're still in school, seek out your counselors... they can help you deal with bullies in ways that will help you in the long term.

 

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this... I was also bullied in high school, in college, and even in grad school. It is a challenging problem to deal with. But you don't have to do it alone.

Edited August 31, 2015 by nescafe1982

[sparkle222]

thanks for the reply-- i agree that my main problem is being unassertive, i've always been told i'm too passive and come off as weak just from my appearance. i'm not at university any more so the suggestion isn't really applicable.

 

it's just weird that it's become such a recurring pattern in coed env (and for things i can't change eg age/religion/background)--i'll get pushed around/mocked by more aggressive types and quieter types will play games on me. the worst part is that i really don't know how to tune/block it all out--it gets to the point where i can't get on with my life anymore and where i'm bullying back because i can't handle it.

 

i know a lot of people are bullied so maybe it's just my reactions that are bad--any advice?

[SpiralOut]

Look around your city to see if there are any assertiveness training courses available. If not, check to see if there are any counselors who specialize in help with assertiveness.

[nescafe1982]

it's just weird that it's become such a recurring pattern in coed env (and for things i can't change eg age/religion/background)..

 

Not weird at all! People who get bullied tend to get bullied in several contexts across time. You will need to learn assertiveness skills to deal with bullies in a way that is not confrontational but confident.

 

Again, the place to do this is in counseling. I've seen it work, again and again.