courtneykay Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Sigh. I have been at the receiving end of a lot of complaints about boys lately. The newest thing that has happened is one of my roommates started dating her boyfriend from home again for the summer, and now she wants to break up with him. That's fine by me but....she won't do it! She says she doesn't want to have that conversation with him. Yet she is on tinder trying to find guys to hook up with and talking to her ex boyfriend who is living with his girlfriend. When she asks for my advice, I am vocal about my concerns. I tell her she needs to have the conversation with her hometown bf because it's not okay that she's talking to all of these guys behind his back. Additionally I've told her that I don't think she should be talking to a guy with a gf but apparently that makes me a bad friend. I don't mean to complain, I'm just frustrated with feeling like a bad friend for being honest. I came out of my room and she was talking with my other roommate and says, "here comes judgey." Maybe I'll just keep my mouth shut, but it's kind of hard when she drags me into her business. Sorry just needed to rant. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 you are a dying breed. you are considerate and thoughtful and honest. Your friend is seeking your advice not the other way around, which proves you are the wiser. People, today have problems with authority, instead of viewing it as a maternal/paternal form of caring, they associate it with racial profiling random police harassment. Some people can see the big picture and others only see their selfie!! I would swallow the "judgey" thing and not voice anymore assistance.. and maybe change friends. a bad bf/gf is very likely susceptible to be a bad "friend" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 There are a lot of people who just tell others their situations and "problems" where they seem to be asking for honest advice yet they just want to make themselves feel better about what they're doing. Your friends seems like this kind of person who when told the honest truth that she's being a crappy gf and treating her BF innapropriatly then gets resentful at you for voicing your opinion. Solution? - Bite your tongue. It's her life, let her screw it up if she wants to. Tons of people can get all the right advice yet they're gonna do what they want no matter what. She's gonna do what she wants so don't put yourself in the position where your relationship with her is affected. These issues she has have nothing to do with you so a simple "it's your decision, I dunno" is what you should say from now on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author courtneykay Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Thank you both for your thoughtful responses. This has been on my mind a lot lately so it's nice to know that I'm not completely out of line for feeling this way. I think I have just matured faster than the majority of my friends. They do all seem to just want to complain and hear the sound of their own voice but when they ask for advice they don't like my honest dose of the truth. Sorry but I am not going to reassure you about your bad choices in life! But you're right. I think from now on I am just going to say I have shared my advice with you, I don't know what else I can offer you. Do what you want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Well, next time she starts airing her issues with you, before you say anything, say, "Don't ask if you don't want to hear the answer or are going to call me judgy because of it." Some people can handle a truthful friend and others can't stand any type of criticism and/or advice. I have always given advice and my friends expect it and welcome it best I can tell or they wouldn't still be around. I have one who gets red hot if I give an opinion so it's hard to even talk to her sometimes, but I try to respect her boundaries. Though why you'd vent and vent to someone and expect them to not say anything constructive is beyond me and seems a little selfish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WonderKid Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 I found out the hard way that some times it is good to be judgmental it saves you the trouble. But all I can say is keep being honest. That's what I do. They eventually come back because you tell it like it is, or they don't because they hate hearing the truth 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Though why you'd vent and vent to someone and expect them to not say anything constructive is beyond me and seems a little selfish. Courtneykay, your friend asked you for advice, not actually to get advice from you but to project her anger(she's obviously not at peace with herself) onto you. She obviously has some personal issues to sort out and is trying to escape them. Projection is a common tactic unconsciously used by all of us sometimes, to avoid facing certain painful truths about ourselves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Sometimes (read: more often than not), friends will ask for advice and then fail to take it. The tricky part is to continue to support them even when they don't listen. I try to stick to making my critical observation once, and only once. If my friend ignores me, well, they still know where I stand. And if they keep 'venting' to me about said situation, I listen and nod, and do not repeat myself. It's really about keeping the peace. And heck, I'm often wrong. I have more than a couple girlfriends who I told to blow off their men that are now happily married to them. Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyLady13 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Courtney, you've outgrown this friend! There are people like you out there who feel the exact same way you do about subjects like this who you would get along great with! You don't have to nod or 'deal' with this friend or keep peace or anything like that. It's just time to find like-minded people you get along with that understand you and you understand them. You'd be so much happier! I had a friend like the one you describe (just like the one you describe in every detail) and I used to try this, that and the other thing to make the friendship work. Turned out I was trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. I found such cooler people I never have to 'deal' with. And we've all been friends and talk every day for about 8 years now. My newer friends are just such cooler people! And I have more friends than I used to. It's such a relief! Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 As you get older in life, you realize who you can or cannot talk to. To those you cannot talk to and cannot talk with, just ask them what they think they should do and then agree and amplify. They aren't going to take your advice anyway, so might as well tell them whatever they want to hear. I hate that I've come to this point in life, but some people just don't want to be "helped". Link to post Share on other sites
craw Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 You know what my mother has recently taught me to say to people? "Do you want me to flatter you or do you want the truth?". I think it's brilliant! Link to post Share on other sites
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