I feel judged and excluded....

[fiestyfirecracker]

So I'm 33 years old and work in an office of mainly women. It's trying I just can't deal with the bitchiness of woman sometimes anyhow I've worked here for almost 10 years now and the friends I've made I just don't seem to gel with anymore.

 

I think the main thing is I feel like I'm judged alot by my friends. Recently alot of them have gotten married, had kids or both. When we sit at lunch I have nothing to add because I have none of the above and don't see it happening anytime soon. I've never wanted kids and marriage is something that I've never really thought about.

 

Then there's the inevitable snide comments like "I feel sorry for any woman who chooses not to have kids, there's nothing better in the world." and "Marriage has brought us closer together we just click, it's amazing when you find the one."

 

I know it probably sounds weird but I don't feel like I'm part of the group anymore I feel almost looked down upon because I've chosen not to live my life the 'normal' way. They all go out at weekends and stuff but I'm never included.

 

I lost my mother a few years ago and suffered depression following it. Plus I've had a very damaging relationship in the past so I don't know if that has any bearings on my current feelings.

 

I know I'm in a minority and there's not many women my age in the same predicament but if we were all the same life would be pretty boring right?

 

Has anyone else every experienced this? It's all abit immature to me but I dare not say anything.

Edited August 4, 2015 by fiestyfirecracker

[StalwartMind]

You are 100% correct that life would be boring if we were all identical, as there would be nothing new. If everyone thought the same, we'd never get the chance to explore new stories or even discover new interests.

 

If a group of people feel the need to make snide comments about the social status of others, I would question the integrity of said individuals. Typically insecure individuals feel the need to insult or talk bad about someone or something, that might bring their own view or situation into question.

 

The truth is that there is no right or wrong way to live life, regardless of what is the most commonly accepted standard. Not everyone is interested in having children or marriage, some are also completely indifferent to it, and will base their preference on their partner.

 

If you've experienced some bad relationships, this certainly can influence your overall mind greatly too. I think people often underestimate the power they have when it comes to making others feel certain ways, especially when you are close with someone. A feeling is possibly one of the strongest things we can create in life, unfortunately many unintentionally and intentionally create bad feelings in others.

 

It's difficult to change a group's mentality, especially if they've already started to exclude you. This even more so when it's in your working environment, although I would fault those people for not being considerate, which is also something I'm not fond of. In a different place you would have or find others who would be able to hold a conversation, or inquire you about things of relevance/interest to you. As such we are all different, I would just strongly encourage you to not let it bother you too much.

 

Things can change rapidly, including when it comes to meeting new people who can seem like a fresh breath of air, and give you a perspective on life which can greatly calm you. I've had this view on people for a long time, and I will always encourage anyone to enforce this or similar for their own protection. If those around you aren't good for you, will support you or care about you, then you should spend the minimal amount of time and effort on said individuals. There are much better things to think about in life, including people to share your thoughts with. Nothing feels better than to be understood, especially if you do find yourself in any kind of situation where you belong to the minority.

[rajrao]

Am exactly in the same boat as you are.I have a bunch of friends at work who are either all married or in a relationship.Whenever they meet me or see me, all they talk about is why am I still single and when am I going to get married. And rather than answering these stupid questions I felt like a better choice for me would be to cut my ties with these group of friends who aren't really friends. So now am a loner, not included in any of the groups, any group events or group activities. And even if I end up going for some reason, I feel so left out or kinda odd man out. So what I do is go out alone and not really depend on anyone. And now nobody really asks me that question of why am I still single. Or neither do they get into my personal details / questions and just talk causally saying hi bye.

 

Am sure they are lots of other people around who are in the same situation. And the question comes down to do u enjoy living your life alone or do u miss these so called friends(who do not provide any kind of support)??

[Iron Bubba]

They are judging you. Those snide remarks are highly judgmental remarks and they are putting you down for not being like them.

 

Dump them and move on.

 

IF you don't want children at all, there are other discussion forums called Child Free Forums that you might want to consider.

[Tayla]

I don't begrudge folks from finding common ground. To exclude is unwelcoming. Have you imparted some areas during conversation that creates interesting topics of interest? I have hobbies that I share , married, or not people have hobbies or causes . It takes a bit of persistency, yet subtle tosses of this eventually catches on. A true lady would welcome various energies within a group and consider it a breath of fresh air. Be that freshness.

 

I sincerely think you have alot to offer and can turn this around. My

concern though is, are these really people you want to be in the know with or is it simply that they are being clickish that brings pause ?

 

I stopped being in hen groups long ago.... there is something stagnant in that atmosphere...

[pie2]

You aren't alone, OP. I feel I could have almost written that post myself!

 

As StalwartMind mentioned, I do notice that things can (and most often do) change in the work environment. People come and go, and new relationships might be right around the corner. But honestly, it wasn't until something changed in me that I was able to be receptive to those relationships.

 

I found that I continued my relationship with people who were generally negative towards life and towards me, as I was more vulnerable at the time. But life went on, and I found myself having more internal strength. And at the same time, I put way less value on keeping those "friends" in my life, just for the sake of having someone to hang out with. And lo and behold, people who were much more emotionally positive and encouraging began to crop up in my life .

 

The girls I used to hang out with more often aren't my enemies today. I pray for them, and hope everyday that they will let God into their lives, and be freed from the chains of negativity, from making snide comments, and feeling better about themselves by tearing others down. I still talk to them. But there is a distance now, and I feel some pity for who those girls choose to be.

 

If you have faith in God, I would recommend praying to ask God to be your strength, and for faith that He will provide the right people in your life. Or, let me know if you would like any prayers in this area (I'm a Christian believer)!

 

God bless.

[bubbaganoosh]

I was married twice and now I have been single for 23 years and have no intentions of changing. Granted I'm 67 but still I like being single so i wouldn't worry about it.

 

There isn't any law that says you have to get married and have babies. Enjoy your freedom.

[fiestyfirecracker]

Thanks folks for all your kind words, insight and feedback.

 

I do try to mix up the conversations but it all comes back to the same two topics kids and marriage. I just don't have anything to add therefore my lunch breaks at work are spent listening to basically the same things over and over on a daily basis. I actually started going outwith the office for lunch by myself and went on a nice walk with a book or listening to music...it made such a difference.

 

I feel as if I'm being punished in a sense because I've decided to not life my life by the book and do things for me. Maybe that could be seen as selfish? However after a lengthy, mentally and physically abusive relationship followed by the death of my mother I decided to live my life for me. It's so short and precious you know?

 

It's abit like there's a hierarchy going on and well I'm at the bottom. It's like being the shy, unconfident one in school again and I'm too old for this type of thing to be honest...I'm actually actively job hunting at the moment not just because of this but I like change I feel it's a good thing.

 

I probably sound a negative Nelly but that's not the case I've actually improved my outlook alot more since my dear mum died. She'd be bitterly disappointed in me if she thought I was putting up with a bunch of bs just not to rock the boat.

 

It's good to know that people have experienced similar and I thank you once again for your words and thoughts

[StalwartMind]

You have the right attitude, at least I believe so and so would anyone around me too. Life is indeed too short and I couldn't hold it against anyone if they needed a change of scenery or simply felt like they didn't fit in their current environment. I don't find anything negative in what you said, also when you have experiences that are of high emotional impact, you really start to understand how precious every single moment we have is. Your mom sounds like she had a good attitude to things too, I'm happy if that in some way has influenced you to make a change.

[preraph]

Misery likes company. I have a theory that women who find it necessary to expound on the virtues of their marriage and family to those who made differnt choices are trying to convince themselves they made the right choice and that a more carefree single person without obligations is a constant question mark over their heads.

 

I had the same problem where I work. Two sisters who started having kids when they were teens badgered me every single day for probably a year. I finally turned it around on them, after trying to tell them I simply had no interest in leading a life like theirs, by always being friendly and cordial but started telling them what I was going to do when I left work, things they could never do, like go home and take a nap or go screw around at the mall or go eat at my favorite restaurant, drive to the river for the weekend, etc. They stopped bugging me about it because they didn't want to hear that since they were locked into a tight schedule of working and raising a family.

 

And since you're depressed, that is working against you because predatory people sense you are at a weak point and will pick at you. So do your best to be unapologetic about your choices, no waivering and admitting you're not sure if you're abnormal because you're depressed or any of that. If you come on strong about your choices and are confident about them, people generally won't bug you about them as much. I was trying to be diplomatic with these two girls, but I used to never entertain anyone who tried to pick at me at all and would just say things like "You know, having kids has never even been on my list of things I wanted to do" or "I'm having too much fun to stop and have kids."

 

You could just tell them, Well, that's the least of my concerns right now.

[TaraMaiden2]

Thanks folks for all your kind words, insight and feedback.

 

I do try to mix up the conversations but it all comes back to the same two topics kids and marriage. I just don't have anything to add therefore my lunch breaks at work are spent listening to basically the same things over and over on a daily basis.

Look at it this way: Thjis is their world.

All of it.

They have confined themselves to a limited existence of wives and mothers, and live boring, hum-drum lives.

 

I know it's very difficult to believe, but they are projecting.

They project their jealousy and envy onto you. Their confinement, (job, work, housework, kids, dinner, sleep, job, work, housework, kids, dinner, sleep, job...etc., etc., etc....) stifles them and they live in a blinkered enclosure of their own making. They miss the heady days of laughter and freedom to be whoever they want to be, whenever...

So they make snide remarks because in truth, they are so jealous...

 

I actually started going outwith the office for lunch by myself and went on a nice walk with a book or listening to music...it made such a difference.

Good for you. Rise above it. Your ignoring them and choosing to not subject yourself to such comments is a mark in your favour. They have no foil now, to vent to....

 

I feel as if I'm being punished in a sense because I've decided to not life my life by the book and do things for me. Maybe that could be seen as selfish?

No. It's seen as enviable. And they feel a loss, so their bitterness is vented upon you.

 

However after a lengthy, mentally and physically abusive relationship followed by the death of my mother I decided to live my life for me. It's so short and precious you know?

Goddamn you got your head on straight!!

 

It's abit like there's a hierarchy going on and well I'm at the bottom.

No. You're the outsider. But look at all the space you've got, and look at how little they have....

 

It's like being the shy, unconfident one in school again and I'm too old for this type of thing to be honest...I'm actually actively job hunting at the moment not just because of this but I like change I feel it's a good thing.

Good for you.

Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. I think you're doing the right thing.

 

I probably sound a negative Nelly but that's not the case I've actually improved my outlook alot more since my dear mum died. She'd be bitterly disappointed in me if she thought I was putting up with a bunch of bs just not to rock the boat.

You don't sound negative at all. In your shoes, at one point in any discussion about kids/husbands/kids/home-life/kids/husbands... I would have interjected with "Oh for goodness' sake, ladies! Kids, husbands, home-life! Have you nothing else to talk about but this limited scope of discussion? God, it sounds boring!!"

 

It's good to know that people have experienced similar and I thank you once again for your words and thoughts

I think I might get it in the neck now... And I've BEEN a mum - but I NEVER stopped thinking like you!

[fiestyfirecracker]

Look at it this way: Thjis is their world.

All of it.

They have confined themselves to a limited existence of wives and mothers, and live boring, hum-drum lives.

 

I know it's very difficult to believe, but they are projecting.

They project their jealousy and envy onto you. Their confinement, (job, work, housework, kids, dinner, sleep, job, work, housework, kids, dinner, sleep, job...etc., etc., etc....) stifles them and they live in a blinkered enclosure of their own making. They miss the heady days of laughter and freedom to be whoever they want to be, whenever...

So they make snide remarks because in truth, they are so jealous...

 

 

Good for you. Rise above it. Your ignoring them and choosing to not subject yourself to such comments is a mark in your favour. They have no foil now, to vent to....

 

 

No. It's seen as enviable. And they feel a loss, so their bitterness is vented upon you.

 

 

Goddamn you got your head on straight!!

 

 

No. You're the outsider. But look at all the space you've got, and look at how little they have....

 

 

Good for you.

Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. I think you're doing the right thing.

 

 

You don't sound negative at all. In your shoes, at one point in any discussion about kids/husbands/kids/home-life/kids/husbands... I would have interjected with "Oh for goodness' sake, ladies! Kids, husbands, home-life! Have you nothing else to talk about but this limited scope of discussion? God, it sounds boring!!"

 

 

I think I might get it in the neck now... And I've BEEN a mum - but I NEVER stopped thinking like you!

 

I often thought maybe they were jealous that I lived a free life but then I thought maybe that was arrogant/presumptuous of me but I do think you have a point.

 

It's good to know that even as a mother you still had the thoughts I do it makes me feel less like a witch. That's how I feel sometimes because I don't agree with their ways but hey it's my life and this is what i want for me.

 

I've applied for a few jobs this week so I hope to maybe have some progress there. I also have a dinner date on Saturday so a nice weekend of exciting positive things for me