d0nnivain Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 The back story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/friendship/528281-leaving-door-open-reconciliation I just bumped into my former friend's son. Since she moved across the country I assumed after our fight I'd never have to see her again ever. He said his mom is coming up for a party I will be at tomorrow. She's flying 2,000 miles to attend. I live around the corner & the party is a milestone birthday party for a mutual friend. Party is also at a private club where I am a member & she's not. She knows I am a member of the club so it really shouldn't be a surprise that DH & I will be there. As the months dragged on after her wedding & our falling out, I got more & more hardened in my hatred for her. After 40 years of friendship I remain furious that she leveled such horrible allegations at me. Yes I know she was stressed about her wedding but of all the people to accuse of intentionally sabotaging her I can't believe she could think that, no matter how stressed she was & for her to endeavor to ruin my professional reputation, I'm spitting nails & fit to be tied. I won't not go to the party because at this point it's my "home turf" and she's the unwanted invader but how do I not scream when I have to deal with her tomorrow? I don't want to ruin the party by causing drama but she's also the type to start something. Part of me actually hopes she starts something because she has a temper & then it will probably end in her getting arrested. A huge part of me think she has a lot of nerve by coming to this party. Why can't she just stay in Texas 2,000 miles away where she chose to move? Please help me calm down. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Well, as big a fuss as she made over all the wedding spending, I'd think she'd be staying home trying to pay it all off instead of galavanting around. She may be hoping to see you and see if you act like nothing happened. That's what guilty aholes do. They put themselves in your path rather than apologizing and hope you'll just act like nothing happened. Is there any security at this club? You are the member, so you could always tell him to keep an eye on her. If I were you, as far as going to the event, I'd try to get about 3 people to go with you and be your group while you're there. Make it hard for her to just walk up to you because you are always talking to someone else. Ask your friends and husband to block her from getting to talk to you. If you want to keep her distracted, you could also ask a male friend to come and keep her busy the whole time or pick her up and leave with her early. Otherwise, all you can do is hold your hand up if you see her closing in and say "I don't want to talk to you. Leave me alone. " 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Every attendee at this party is a mutual friend. Remember she & I spent a Lifetime together. My husband will be with me. There won't be real security at this party but all of the staff are my friends. I am fairly certain that she will try the act like nothing happened act. I have let her get away with that in the past (especially before her wedding) but I still have her blocked on social media. I was going to unblock her to peek but the system won't let me reblock her for 48 hours so I won't risk it. I have avoided blabbing to most mutual friends about what happened. I'm not a drama queen or pot stirrer. Her son gave me a big hug when I saw him this afternoon & swore me to secrecy about his mom's attendance. Apparently she wants it to be a surprise. Even though her last communication to me included death wishes & instructions to say the F away from her family her son didn't seem to know anything about what went out between us. Even if she apologized, after what happened, I could never trust her again. DH also said to me that if I forgave her, he'd lose all respect for me. Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 so ur upset about something that hasn't happened.. ur currently angry even before anything has happened.. "I'm spitting nails & fit to be tied." if this is not a temper .. i don't know what is .wow the nerve of some people: calling the kettle black 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Well, it is alarming that she's sworn her son to secrecy. The poor guy has no idea why. I think the best plan is to stay surrounded and busy talking to other people. That way if she interjects, she is being rude. Make your husband promise faithfully to get in close and talk nonstop if you give him a nudge. Make it so that for her to talk to you, she will have to interrupt you or who you're with. It's tempting to leave if she approaches, but she can't really say much as long as you're with someone, so don't let her run you off to the ladies' room or the bar or she'll just follow if that's what she's trying to do. I think she will probably put on a show for you. But maybe she won't get confrontational. She has probably already trashed you to anyone who will listen. If any of them bring it up, of course, you can just say it's not worth discussing and remind them the night isn't about her, change the subject to how well your friend is looking for her age. Go late, leave early. Talk to everyone there, going from one person to the next, bubbly and looking like you're having fun so no one thinks it's odd you left early. Maybe be a little extra solicitious just in case people start taking sides. Nothing makes people like you more than asking about them and their lives and kids and work and hobbies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 so ur upset about something that hasn't happened.. ur currently angry even before anything has happened.. "I'm spitting nails & fit to be tied." if this is not a temper .. i don't know what is .wow the nerve of some people: calling the kettle black If you'd been around the board much, you'd know Donnivain isn't some 20-something young drama queen. If she's upset, there's a good reason. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I think your discretion is admirable, but giving her too much cover. Death wish??? I'd have copied that abominable letter to a few key friends. Maybe even put it on FB. Go, ignore her and if she comes up to you I would snub her and walk away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
applej4 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 (edited) Go, ignore her and if she comes up to you I would snub her and walk away. This. (If she was invited she is not an invader.) I also feel you need to work on not allowing this woman to occupy so much of your brainspace. It sounds like you are being eaten up with hatred and anger and that's unhealthy. Life goes on - or at least it should. Edited July 31, 2015 by applej4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 It's a very old friend of hers, so there's a lot of betrayal to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
applej4 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 It's a very old friend of hers, so there's a lot of betrayal to deal with. Yes, I know, I read the post, I don't need further clarification, and I still stand by my response. I didn't imply she should have shrugged it off when it happened. However, letting oneself be essentially eaten alive by anger is not healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted August 1, 2015 Author Share Posted August 1, 2015 preraph -- thank you for your kindness & understanding as well as your suggestions. casey.lives -- I'm terrified in anticipation of what might happen. I'm angry about all the stuff that already happened. I have never felt so betrayed in my life. applej4 -- I have been trying to put her out of my mind & not let her eat me alive. I was doing OK until I found out she was going to be here tomorrow. I feel ambushed because knowing that she lives 2,000 miles away (& has been crying poverty) I thought the distance would prevent me from ever having to deal with her again. I still don't understand how somebody with $$ trouble can afford to fly here for the weekend. I've calmed down since posting. DH & I have a strategy for the party tomorrow. Neither of us will go anywhere near her. If she comes to us & is pleasant we'll nod & politely slip away. If she starts anything, well, let's just say it will be documented & the police will be called if required. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
applej4 Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 Glad you've calmed a bit. It's not your concern how she can afford the trip - maybe someone else paid for her - whatever, not your business or your problem. As far as calling the police don't borrow trouble. Live your life. Move on. Enjoy the party! Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted August 1, 2015 Author Share Posted August 1, 2015 Glad you've calmed a bit. It's not your concern how she can afford the trip - maybe someone else paid for her - whatever, not your business or your problem. As far as calling the police don't borrow trouble. Live your life. Move on. Enjoy the party! The only reason I mentioned her finances is that her complaints about not having money lulled me into a false sense of security that she would not come. This woman has been violent toward others in the past. The police will only be called if she gets violent with me. Other people are concerned about this & have said that if they see her within a few feet of me, they intend to pull out their cell phones & start filming just in case. I'm fairly certain she's either going to ignore me or she'll try to act like it never happened & act like she's still my friend. I won't stir up trouble if she does; I'll make some non-committal response that sounds like it could be acquiescence but that's as far as I could go. Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 The only reason I mentioned her finances is that her complaints about not having money lulled me into a false sense of security that she would not come. This woman has been violent toward others in the past. The police will only be called if she gets violent with me. Other people are concerned about this & have said that if they see her within a few feet of me, they intend to pull out their cell phones & start filming just in case. I'm fairly certain she's either going to ignore me or she'll try to act like it never happened & act like she's still my friend. I won't stir up trouble if she does; I'll make some non-committal response that sounds like it could be acquiescence but that's as far as I could go. Really?? I am curious why you would be so passively accepting of someone who was so horrible to you. Not saying you should get into it with her, but to sort of appear to acquiesce in a sham is....wow. You will have people to support you. Don't act out of timidity or fear. You can maintain your dignity without capitulating. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 This sounds like an event I'd see on Real Housewives of NJ. If Teresa wasn't in jail, I'd be thinking you might be talking about her - flipping tables, pulling hair. A grown woman acts like that? Link to post Share on other sites
applej4 Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 Really?? I am curious why you would be so passively accepting of someone who was so horrible to you. Not saying you should get into it with her, but to sort of appear to acquiesce in a sham is....wow. You will have people to support you. Don't act out of timidity or fear. You can maintain your dignity without capitulating. Good point anna121. OP you stayed friends for 40 years with this awful woman who is Moody, jealous, nasty, ungrateful, etc. You agreed to coordinate her wedding and took it upon yourself to pay a vendor. She got nasty - again. She moved away but you're still upset, fretting, and talking about calling the police. Other friends are prepared to get evidence on video. Very strange. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 I won't stir up trouble if she does; I'll make some non-committal response that sounds like it could be acquiescence but that's as far as I could go. I see that others don't agree, but I think this is the best thing to do. You know she's a loose cannon. There's no point in trying to do anything other than get away as easily as you can. Don't poke the bear - agree if that's what it takes, and walk off. There's no changing her. It doesn't take away your dignity to preserve the peace at a social gathering. Your hosts will appreciate it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 I think it's a perfect time to very calmly state your truth. In a quiet and mellow voice you could say "I'm sure you understand I feel completely betrayed by you and would appreciate you staying far away from me as I have no value for you any longer". Then walk away. Done! You've stated how you feel and she's left thinking about how awful she's been to you. I think it's your golden opportunity to stand up for yourself and tell her how you feel. No argument. No further interaction... It's just over. Saying nothing gives her a free pass... I don't recommend that. Be classy but speak your truth. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 Saying nothing gives her a free pass... I don't recommend that. Be classy but speak your truth. "Free pass" to what? They're not friends and D. wants no more contact with her. D. doesn't need to teach her any lessons. Speak one's truth to what end? They're wasted words when someone will never hear them or it will rile them up and cause a scene and conflict that you don't want. I don't see the point or why it would even be satisfying to speak one's truth to such a person. D. knows her truth. In a relationship that you want to continue, sure. But with an irrational person who has given you death threats - yikes, just extricate yourself whatever way you can. The victory is getting away, not engaging more than necessary. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 "Free pass" to what? They're not friends and D. wants no more contact with her. D. doesn't need to teach her any lessons. Speak one's truth to what end? They're wasted words when someone will never hear them or it will rile them up and cause a scene and conflict that you don't want. I don't see the point or why it would even be satisfying to speak one's truth to such a person. D. knows her truth. In a relationship that you want to continue, sure. But with an irrational person who has given you death threats - yikes, just extricate yourself whatever way you can. The victory is getting away, not engaging more than necessary. By saying how she feels. She doesn't need to engage if she doesn't want to. But I suggested saying how she feels calmly so she can express how she feels. That could just be (calmly) "move away from me - I have nothing good to speak with you about". It's real - it's how she feels - and she sends a clear message to the ex friend. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 Of course her choice. But I think with someone who has a history of violent threats, I wouldn't be concerned with a need to state my personal truth to them, given that it will probably create more unwanted drama. It doesn't improve my life or integrity. I just want to get away with as little negativity and scene as possible, and be done with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
applej4 Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 It's very possible that ex-friend will ignore OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted August 1, 2015 Author Share Posted August 1, 2015 I am not going to engage her. I can't because I won't be able to remain calm. I am still so hurt. As DH pointed out to me last night, throughout the duration of our marriage at least several times a year this woman would do something petty that caused me to wonder aloud if the friendship was working. She hadn't been a good friend in a long time but I put up with it out of sentimentality & because we'd be friends for so long. This other person's Birthday Party is not the time for us to "clear the air." If I even try to speak my piece, she will fly off into a rage & the party will be ruined. It's how she operates. I know this. I don't want any part of it. I want to get through the day, not have it end with screaming or worse and have her leave the state never to return. Even if I tried to calmly lay out all the reasons why I'm the wronged party / victim here (& I do have written evidence) she won't hear me. You can only have a tete-a-tete with somebody who is willing to see the other's POV. That has never been her. For example part of this involved wine glasses for her outdoor wedding. I saw the restaurant / caterer's racks in the garage the day before the wedding. I asked what they were. She said they were none of my business. The day of her wedding, 2 other friends & I set up her bar. I asked her several times to go out & check that we had everything. She refused. After the ceremony, I asked if she was feeling better because the weather held out, she looked gorgeous & it had been a lovely ceremony. She bit my head off saying it was the worse wedding ever & screamed at me that I helped ruin it by failing to put out the wine glasses. People were being served wine in short clear plastic glasses. When she pointed to the racks in the garage I replied that I had asked her about the glasses the day before & she said they were not my concern so it wasn't my fault that they were not in use. She accused me of not listening to her & working to undermine her big day. She actually said, I didn't put out the wine glasses because I wanted her to look stupid in front of her other guests. Ironically I'm the high maintenance wine drinker of our crowd who prefers stemwear rather than other glasses. I doubt anybody else noticed or cared. That was the last time I spoke to her that day. Given that mindset I know anything I say will fall on deaf ears so why bother? My mistake was trying to help a crazy person. I won't make that mistake again. But I'm unwilling to ruin somebody else's event to make a point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 I don't know too much about you d0nni, other than you always give solid, mature advice to people. I'm going to suggest the unthinkable: don't attend the party. Problem solved. I don't see you doing that, though because I sense there is a great deal of pride involved in this. Pride is...a double-edged sword. So, I would argue the problem here is not this woman, but your pride. The woman probably won't even show. Attending a 2000 mile away party? Heard it through her son, who is out-of-the-loop about other things? You can also attend the party, but you'll need to attend to your pride, as well. Sometimes being so right just shows you up an a$$. All of these fortifications people are suggesting seem ridiculous. Go or don't go. Either way, dispense with your rightness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted August 1, 2015 Author Share Posted August 1, 2015 SycamoreCircle You are right. I can't not go for a lot of reasons. But I will have to check my own ego at the door. At this point all I want is peace which for me is not interacting with her. I can sit there & not be bothered with her. I'm still scared of what happens if she gets in my face. It's probably an unlikely scenario but it's the one keeping me up. There will be over 200 people at this party & 3 live bands. It's not a small intimate event where we will be forced to interact. As for her son, while he may not know what is going on between me & his mom I have no reason to believe he wouldn't know her travel plans. Link to post Share on other sites
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