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Friend is too poor to hang out?


angelfire138

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angelfire138

Hi all!

 

How do you deal with friends who are too poor/broke to go out or hang out with you? This actually is my first time dealing with something like this (and I suspect it won't be the last!), so any advice is appreciated =)

 

I'm actually referring to one friend in particular. A little background: I met him about 3 months ago, when he was a patient at the hospital I am working at (he's 2 years older than me). He was never *my* patient, but we got to know each other and found out that we had a lot in common, and soon became friends (never more than that; I have a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend at the time, and we would be incompatible as a couple). At times, after work, we'd go for happy hour or grab a bite to eat. We continued to keep in touch and hang out every once in a while after he was discharged. We always had a blast when we hung out.

 

For what it's worth, I knew about his financial situation since soon after we started hanging out. He had been out of work for almost a year because of an injury, and then surgery, hence why he was a patient. But he still came out as long as we did stuff that was cheap/free, and he still had a little bit of money left to spare. Now, recently, he told me that he had NO disposable income, and had incurred a lot of debt in the past year that he wasn't working, and that he wasn't going to be able to hang out for awhile. He had just gotten a new job and needed to pay down his bills first.

 

I have a good job, so I have a decent amount of disposable income, and I have no problem treating my friends/family/boyfriend if they're low on cash, and have done so many times. My friend has a problem with this, though, as he wants to pay his own way (or pay for me) and has said he feels terrible whenever I pay for him and he can't let me do that all the time. He's really a nice, fun, honest guy.

 

So my question is, how do I handle this? I'd love to keep hanging out with him, as he's become a good friend to me and I truly do enjoy his company. We also live 45 minutes - 1 hour apart. Should I wait until he's settled into his new job a while longer before asking him to hang out again? Should I continue to suggest activities that are cheap/free, despite what he said to me, since it's the company that matters, not the activity? Or does he just not want to hang out with me anymore? I usually do the asking, as I typically have a lot going on, socially. And yes, my boyfriend knows about him.

 

Thanks so much in advance for any advice!!

Edited by angelfire138
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This is a tough one. I know what it's like to be your friend. Too prideful to have others pay for you, but too poor to pay yourself. It's embarrassing to say the least. Maybe suggest going on a hike close to him (if he's physically able to) because gas money might even be a big thing for him right now. If he says yes then you know it really is a money issue. If he says no, there's more to the story he's not telling you and it could be a number of things.

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You come up with free activities: walk in the woods, movies in the park, window shopping etc.

 

 

He won't let you treat him & it's emasculating for him to have you offer.

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Fleur de cactus

You do not have to spend money to have a good time. Just do activities that don't involve spending. Check out what is going on in your area for weekend. Visit local fair!, movie at home, hiking, road trip etc.

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He may have medical bills as well. He also may not quite be up to a lot of activity. Not everyone is comfortable letting someone else pay over and over. I think the best you can do is just find free things to do, free days at the zoo or museum, which happen every so often, a nature walk, going to the park, laying out in the backyard with the sprinkler, etc.

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angelfire138

Thanks for the responses and suggestions! I actually completely understand where he's coming from, as I in the same position all throughout my 20s (being a poor college and grad student, and all that. But then again, all my friends at the time were in the same situation), and while I'm totally fine with someone treating me every now and then, I too would be very uncomfortable if I was always having fun on someone else's dime, without feeling like I owed them something.

 

I think I'll see if he wants to go for a drive or hit the beach or something. I invited him to come out with some friends and I, but he declined saying he couldn't afford it and doesn't want to go if he can't contribute anything.

 

Seems like I'm going to have to go to him if we're going to hang out. Problem is, I don't know how to say "hey, can I come over and we'll just do whatever?" to someone I've only known for 3 months (I'll do it with other friends but I've known them for much longer). I also don't want to say or imply anything that would make him feel worse about his situation. Just trying to be tactful about the whole thing...

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Openly tell him, Hey, let's go do this. It doesn't cost anything. In college, we maybe bought one cheap beer and played pool somewhere or we went for a walk in the park or just hung out listening to music. These are some of the best ways to get to know someone, just hanging out. If you tell him it's free and he still doesn't want to go, well, maybe he just doesn't want to go.

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Since you have a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend, are you sure this is solely platonic? I know you said that he wasn't your patient when he was in the hospital being treated for his injury. You seem like a nice person. Why not find free and fun events happening in your city and invite him and his girlfriend to join you and your boyfriend. He may feel less self-conscious if he's with a group of people.

 

I can understand why he feels antisocial. Money makes the world go round and without it, it's impossible to avoid the side effects of toxic stress on the brain from worrying about your lack of finances.

 

There's actually been studies done that shows stress comes in three forms: positive, tolerable and toxic. The more toxic the stress, the more likely for:

 

  • physical diseases and illnesses like heart disease, diabetes, etc.
  • mental health problems
  • substance abuse
  • anti-social behavior
  • lower achievement in school or work

It is good that he has a new job and is working. If he wasn't working, he'd be far worse off from a depression standpoint. He should create a budget and try to set aside some money if he can. He can also work with his creditors to set up payment plans based on his income so that his current paychecks won't be garnished. If he can be proactive about his financial situation, it will turn around quicker than if he does nothing about it.

 

Meanwhile, just keep offering up ideas for free activities and events happening around your city that he can do, or even as simple as going to the beach with a packed lunch and just hanging out sounds great and doesn't cost him anything.

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I'm in your friends situation for the time being until I get my orthodontic bills under control and after my vacation planned in September. It's an awful feeling since I am used to having money. I live in an expensive city and make a salary that is less than most here due to my field of work.

 

Also my best friend has NO income as she is a full time (unpaid) practicum student at my work and she is also doing schooling. We go for walks when it's nice, go for coffee, go to the movies sometimes, hikes, watching movies and getting snacks at home. Things that cost little money. It does suck and it can be boring but if you care about your friend and don't want to foot the bill all the time these activities will have to do.

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Fleur de cactus

Also, ask yourself this question: does he really want to spend time with you? Is it two of you? or with a group of friends? If he wants to be with you, he would want any occasion to do so, walking, movie, park, fishing ...

Maybe he is not interested in spending time with you.

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angelfire138

Thanks again for all the insight and suggestions, once again =) Helped to shed some light. I did suggest going for a drive down the beach one of these weekend days. He replied that he definitely wanted to do that in the future, but he still can't afford to go out, so he'd rather stay at home for the time being instead of being a downer and having nothing to contribute. He also said that he appreciated my offer to pay but it just makes him feel worse about his situation. I also know he generally has a lot going on in his life, and is now saving up for a friend's wedding in another state.

 

It's entirely possible that he just doesn't want to spend time with me, that's true. But he's been quite honest with me overall so I feel like he'd tell me, or something along those lines, if that was the case. But, only time will tell. If he continues to decline hanging out even after another month or two, then I suppose I'll have my answer.

 

I love a lot of your suggestions, and it's actually stuff I've done with my old classmates/friends/boyfriend. But since we all worked, lived, or went to school together, or lived close, it was a lot easier to meet for a couple hours to go for walks or coffee.

 

My friend and I live 45 minutes - 1 hour apart by car (1.5-2 hours by public transportation), so whenever we met up, it's typically been an all day thing, and one or both of us would end up spending money for food/drinks/gas/tolls. Plus, we've only known each other a few months, so I don't know how comfortable I'd be, say, just going over and hanging out at his house all day (as I would if it were a friend I've known for a long time and was close to, if that makes sense).

 

To answer some of your questions, yes, it's platonic. Even if we were both single, we both know that we wouldn't be good as a couple. Usually when we've hung out it's just been me and him (no mutual friends), except for once where he invited me to a house party with some of his friends. Him and his girlfriend actually broke up about a month or so after I met him, and my boyfriend hasn't been available to come out with us when we did meet up.

 

This whole thing reminded when I was in a similar situation, and became withdrawn and anti-social from my friends, for a period of time, and I just wanted to be left alone to deal with the problem on my own, because being with them made me feel worse. I've just decided to leave it for the time being, and I did tell him to let me know if there was anything I could do to help. I probably will touch base with him in a few weeks to see how it's going with him. Is this the right thing to do?

Edited by angelfire138
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