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Complete 180 / Unsettling behavior from friend


Magnumcyclonex

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Magnumcyclonex

Hi Everyone,

 

I've been perusing these forums the past few months looking for threads and situations similar to my own personal experiences. I'm really impressed by everyone's supportiveness on these forums which is why I made the jump to sign up for an account and start posting here.

 

(Please be aware that this is a long post and thanks for being patient)

 

I met this girl through meetup back in fall 2014. We would run into each other at various meetup events (dinners, happy hours, parties) as the months went by. We would chat briefly at those events but it was strictly platonic back then. After running into each other several times at said events, we exchanged numbers in the winter.

 

Earlier this year, we began conversing occasionally through texts. She would go on a texting spree (lots of rapid fire texts) and gossip about other people we knew through meetup, or we would chat about our dating lives. I was (and still am to some extent) a relatively shy guy and she played wing woman for me at a happy hour/mixer event which I was extremely grateful for.

 

Whenever I had dating questions or girl troubles, I would often go to her. We've texted, and talked on the phone about various people we know in the meetup groups we're in. She would also ask for my opinion on guys she was seeing and I would happily provide my honest input.

 

About a month ago, she was working on a weekend and wanted to take a break. She asked me what I was doing and I could tell she wanted to do something, so I suggested dinner and movie. We hung out, did the usual gossipy stuff and had a good time.

 

Now, I should mention that she is older than me (not sure by how much - she never told me). During dinner, I made a comment about liking another girl who turned out to be 10 years older which I then said was a bit too old for me (I liked this other girl but when I discovered she had a bf, my feelings cooled off). I also mentioned that I wasn't quite ready to make the next step into fatherhood just yet.

 

After the movie, I dropped her off at her place and thanked her for the tickets while she thanked me for dinner.

 

The next day, we got into another texting spree and the comment I made about the other girl came into discussion. She said "we're not leading into anything romantic, right? because she's older than me and I didn't like older women jk". I replied that "I was ok dating older women". She then said "we're not each other's type period"

 

Then, somehow, I got put in the hotseat because she started questioning my emotional readiness. She mentioned that older women don't have time to wait around for a guy to "grow up" because they are going against their biological clock. I felt like I needed to defend myself by giving her a fairly detailed account of who I am and the responsibilities I am partaking to support my parents as well as my own well being. She said I should focus on developing myself and the right girl will show up then.

 

This discussion was very long. At the end she said she was done and wanted to take a break from all the texting we had just done and I was ok with it.

 

A week later, via text, I had a question/opinion I wanted to share with her and she replied saying she didn't want to get involved in anymore drama. She said that she got frustrated at me and before she snapped at me, she was going to stop it before it occurred. She said she would see me at this mixer we were both attending and hoped all was well. I played it cool and said there wasn't much to say (which wasn't the case).

 

At the mixer two days later, I got the cold shoulder from her when I went to say hi so I left her to hang out with other people at the event.

 

3 weeks later (this past week), I texted her saying hey, it's been a while, how are you doing these days? It's been a few days since I last reached out and I have yet to receive a reply from her.

 

For the past few weeks, I've been baffled by her sudden coldness towards me. It's been unsettling for me because I considered her to be a really good friend and I thought what we had with the experience sharing and being each other's sounding boards was mutual. I've been thinking about this all the time, and it's eating my heart out.

 

I don't know if she had any feelings for me (however miniscule) but I really did not expect a friend to just suddenly distance herself away like that without explanation.

 

Perhaps my post movie conversation with her turned her off, and perhaps she was tired of hearing of my drama when I later approached her. But, she never explicitly made it clear that she was angry at me during our conversations.

 

I gave her some time before most recently contacting her but perhaps a few weeks is still too short of a time? What should I do? I treasure this friendship a lot and don't want this one to be another one of those that I cycle through due to miscommunication and small tiffs. Should I wait a longer period before reaching out again (perhaps calling instead of texting - hoping she'll pick up), or move on with my life (and forget about her for the time being) let her make the first move to contact me?

 

Thanks for reading and your input. I know this is a very long first post, but I wanted to set the context right.

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Tell her this:

 

I treasure this friendship a lot and don't want this one to be another one of those that I cycle through due to miscommunication and small tiffs.

 

And ask her what you did to upset her enough to stop talking to you.

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whichwayisup

The next day, we got into another texting spree and the comment I made about the other girl came into discussion. She said "we're not leading into anything romantic, right? because she's older than me and I didn't like older women jk". I replied that "I was ok dating older women". She then said "we're not each other's type period"

 

So it seems there's been an assumption on her end. She took what you said to heart and somehow thought that maybe you were interested in her? That's how it seems. Obviously she isn't into you that way and instead of being a real friend, being honest about it, she's shut you out and walked away.

 

Let it go. She more or less has ended the friendship. Don't text or call her again and when you see her next, don't go talk to her. Let her approach you. If she doesn't, then you know the friendship is over and she chose to make it awkward by over reacting instead of communication.

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Frankly, based on what I read here, she sounds like the melodramatic one. But then again, I don't know what her version of events is. It may be very different from yours.

 

Your best bet is to assume she's a mature woman with the capacity to communicate with you if and when she wants to. You've already communicated with her without response. Once was enough to get your message across. You've done your bit. Relax and get on with your life. If she responds, good. You'll know how to take things from there. If she doesn't respond, that's ok. You'll know that your friendship has run its course.

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It sounds like she might have liked you and she took your comments personally. She heard the words "she's too old for me" and "I'm not ready" and took it as rejection. Then, she tried to save face by telling you that she's not interested in you.

Edited by SpiralOut
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Magnumcyclonex

Thank you so far to all who have posted.

 

To give the situation more context, she would sometimes ask if I was going to a meetup event she wanted to attend because she didn't want other guys to hit on her at those events. After going to several events within the same group, we've run across a lot of "interesting" or uninteresting people, so I get the feeling she sometimes wants to do the meetup activity with someone she's comfortable with (although she's perfectly fine going by herself).

 

Also, she's been wanting to start a family. She has a niece and nephew she takes care of from time to time and I'm beginning to think she is hinging on desperation. I know she is in her later 30's (35-39) and I'm in my early 30's.

 

She often has to work over the weekends which could also lead to added stress. The one thing I don't get is how she could get frustrated with me and not tell me about it. Maybe it was my age comment, or maybe it was because of me asking what to do with other girls I was trying to pursue that was taking a toll on her.

 

This is one girl that I kept my distance with and didn't ever foresee getting involved with when I first met her, and I would think that all of the exchanges we've had (up until recently) were foundation blocks for a strong friendship.

 

Anyways, I think we both need more time from each other. I've come to learn that when something is triggered (like my comment or that one long conversation), the effect isn't always applied immediately (her feeling frustrated/annoyed etc), but only when it sinks in at a future time (when I wanted to share some news with her or whenever she reflected on what I had said and decided she didn't like it). Thus, at the time, I thought we were just making conversation and continued as normal, but little did I know that what I said had begun to brew in her mind.

 

I'm going to keep myself busy and forget about this girl. (It's going to be hard for me). I like her mostly as a friend (wouldn't mind starting a relationship with her) but I can't let her silence eat at me.

 

Perhaps in a few months she, or I will reach out to reestablish what we once had.

Edited by Magnumcyclonex
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Well, even though what you two had was a friendship and being each other's wingmen, I think she may have hoped it turned into more. But then when you made clear you are not ready for fatherhood and all that, maybe she realized she really needed to be concentrating on someone who was. She may have thought you were a possibility but then realized you definitely weren't once she found out you're nowhere near ready to father kids. And please don't feel bad about that. No one should do that before they're ready.

 

She did go into a long discussion about how at her age you are ready and no time to waste.

 

The mistake made here was if there was any romantic interest for either of you, whoever was interested should have not been acting like a sisterly or brotherly wingman and should have been up front about it. Instead sounds like she was harboring some hope, though clearly not obsessed about it or she wouldn't have kept listening to your woman adventures. Then she heard that biological clock ticking and just realized she needed to get serious about finding someone who is ready and stop wasting time with anyone who wasn't.

 

Sounds like she doesn't want to talk, but if she comes around, you should just ask her if she's disappointed you are not ready for fatherhood and tell her you didn't mean to hurt her feelings but didn't know there was any chance. She should have asked you about having kids a long time ago. Well, maybe she did but the subject of "when" didn't come up. Sorry for this mess. Don't feel guilty about it.

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Magnumcyclonex

I have another update regarding this girl (J) - the girl in my original post.

 

I saw on facebook that she had just hung out with an ex-female friend (A) I used to have the hots for. This ex-friend (A) had a very strong personality and even though she turned me down early on, I was minutely hopeful but at peace that we wouldn't be an official couple and we still hung out a lot and texted each other almost every day and had a good time together.

 

With a strong personality comes a stubborn mind and over the course of 3 short months, her true colors began to show. This ex-friend was very vicious to me. We had one blowout argument over text message over seemingly trivial matters and at the time, I was shaken up and went to (J) for advice. (J) said fool me once, shame on her, fool me twice, shame on me. When the second blowout occurred a month and a half later, also over seemingly trivial matters, I wasn't going to be a doormat and apologize for what I didn't do or say wrong. I stood up for myself and (A) broke off the friendship.

 

And now, this morning when I was browsing facebook, I discover that both (J), the subject of this thread, and (A), the ex-friend went out clubbing/dancing together! [Playing devil's advocate, both of them are in the same age group (later 30s) and both like dancing].

 

I am so livid and flabbergasted at how (J) has seemingly turned on me. It makes no sense, given that (J) knows what (A) is like so I don't know if (J) went to (A) on her own volition or if (A) convinced (J) that I was not a nice person and essentially stole/brainwashed my friend (J) to go against me.

 

So now it looks like I've lost two female friends in a short period of time and I'm totally torn over losing (J), but not so much (A). I wasn't going to contact (A) anymore, but to "lose" (J) to (A) like this is really really heart breaking.

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Well, just sit still and don't overreact. One or the other likely may get tired of the other before it's all over.

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Magnumcyclonex
Well, just sit still and don't overreact. One or the other likely may get tired of the other before it's all over.

 

They don't know that I know that they hung out together, but I am still saddened and angry at how everything played out.

 

Though I generally don't wish anyone any ill wills, this is one exception where I do hope that you're right and hope that (J) will reestablish communication and clear the air with me at least.

 

However, after venting here and to other people who don't know either of these girls, I'm prepared for the worst case scenario of losing (J) out of my life or that things just won't be the same ever again.

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