amkxoxo Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 So I sometimes hate when I make plans with my best friends and they invite other people whom I don't know very well. I like to spend quality time with them and be able to talk freely, but when they invite other people I feel I cannot totally be myself, or share secrets we may talk about etc... Sometimes its fun to have a whole big group of people together, but that is only for certain occasions. For example, this weekend I made plans with my two best girlfriends. I have been really excited. We are taking a two hour road trip to this festival. I offered to drive if they could contribute gas money. We all agreed and I figured the plan was set. Then today one of my friends asked if her roommate could come. Normally I wouldn't mind. But I do not know her roommate very well and now I am responsible for her in my vehicle, were anything to ever happen. I figured we could be laughing and singing in the car the whole way there, but now with her with us, I feel we cannot do that. Secondly, I don't minding driving my two friends, but I don't really know her so why should I be the one driving. Shouldn't my friend then be the driver since she is inviting her roommate who we aren't friends with. Lastly, I feel very uncomfortable asking this girl for gas money, but I need the money. I work hard for my money and don't have a lot of it. I feel like if I don't ask her then its not fair to ask anyone and then its me who is providing the car and the gas money for the whole trip. I do not know her very well. I feel stuck into saying "yes" to her coming. But at the same time, I want to say no. But she probably also already told her roommate about it, and I can't say no without looking like a jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Look like a jerk if it makes you uncomfortable. Then again, you might actually *like* this new person and have a new Best Friend to add to the list... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 You need to be clear with your friend who invited her roommate along. Say that she's welcome to invite anybody she likes but you are uncomfortable being the designated driver of someone you don't know. Ask if somebody else can drive. I don't understand why you can't sing, talk & laugh with this other person in the car. Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 You need to be clear with your friend who invited her roommate along. Say that she's welcome to invite anybody she likes but you are uncomfortable being the designated driver of someone you don't know. Ask if somebody else can drive. I don't understand why you can't sing, talk & laugh with this other person in the car. I don't even understand why she can't drive this other person as well... This whole thing has me completely baffled... OP, of course you can ask for money! Though before the roommate was to come along, expenses were to be divided by 3. They're not really going to increase with a 4th person, so I don't necessarily see where you'd be missing out, but asking for money is definitely OK. Talk to your friend to sort it out with her roommate. There should be no issues! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 I don't know why the OP can't drive the roommate either but if she isn't comfortable she isn't comfortable. As for asking for money that's sort of a no-brainer, if the driver's friends are chipping in of course other passengers need to cough up money. In college before electronic communications, there used to be a ride board in the student union. I had a car so when I wanted to go home I'd go to the board grab a few names / numbers & offer complete strangers R/T rides for $20 each. With 5 people in my car, it was a big car, I had $60 spending money for the time home because gas was cheaper back then ($20 each way). . . yeah for me. All I know for sure is that OP can't just sit there fuming, That won't help anybody Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Next time you make plans, be specific and say 'just us'. Also, depending on the venue and where you go, if you're going out to have fun that's not the atmosphere to have serious girl talk and share deep secrets... If you want a girls chat night, invite them for dinner and hang out at your place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amkxoxo Posted June 4, 2015 Author Share Posted June 4, 2015 So I told my friend that her roommate could come. I just mentioned casually again that if everyone was okay with pitching in for gas money. Then my friend comes out and says how she already asked her roommate and she can't come regardless. So ridiculous. Now the same friend is asking what time we will be back from our trip because she wants to sit by her pool. This again makes me mad. I am driving us almost two hours there and a little under two hours back and now she only wants to stay for a brief time. I do not want to only stay a few hours for the amount of driving I have to do. At this point its not even worth it. Do I have reason now to be frustrated? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Tell her you're not going if she's going to rush you to come home, period. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amkxoxo Posted June 4, 2015 Author Share Posted June 4, 2015 I love my friend and she is a sweet girl, but she is very "all about herself" when it comes to plans. Its annoying to make plans with her. Its always her schedule and her timing and when she wants to do it, and you have to be free for her. A couple of weeks ago, I contacted her to go out for happy hour drinks. She said yes to the plan and I was so excited. I get out of work a little before 5pm everyday. I wanted a chance to throw something nice on and eat a quick snack. This would take me maybe a half an hour. The she told me how she wants to go as early as possible because she has plans at 7pm. That would mean that if we got there at 5:30 or 6pm, we would have to rush, have a drink, and rush. I hated that. I cancelled the entire plan. She does this all the time. But if I have something going on at 7pm, she still continues with her plan and I have to rush and leave, or stay and be late for what else I have to do. Last time I went on a day trip with these two particular girls, it was supposed to be the time of our lives. We were taking the chartered boat to this fun island where one of my friends lives. It was supposed to be a trip to visit HIM. The two girls, particularly the one who makes plans around herself, made the trip all about us. They could have cared less if I saw my friend or not. They made it a day trip for them. We did what they wanted to do. I wanted to stay all day long, maybe even into the night, but after we had been there for 3 or 4 hours, that one girl wanted to head home on the boat. I felt so bad, because I think my guy friend would have loved us to stay longer, but I had to leave with them on the boat. We have all been talking about little summer day trips and over nighters we want to plan together. Of course the one girl throws out all the weekends she is busy and then, keeps throwing them out regardless if I say I am busy, because she is free. I think whether this weekend happens or not now, I am going to not be making any more far away day trip plans with these girls, especially the one girl who always plans stuff around herself. I know what will happen this weekend. I say "Hey guys I drove all this way and I am not rushing home", but after so many hours they will get tired of being there, and act bored, and make it miserable for us to want to go back home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 What you are doing is being passive-aggessive as a way to communicate to them. That goes right over many people's heads. You're trying to let them know you're not happy, but you need to tell them BEFORE the event that if they're going to try to change YOUR plans, then just don't come. Tell them this is your plans and if they want to join in exactly as you have it planned, they are welcome to. If they insist on bringing other people and/or insisting on changing times, then tell them not to come. You are letting them do this. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 You need to stand up for yourself more. For this trip: You say since it's a long drive, I was planning on leaving at ____ time. Don't change it so she can sit by a pool. With the happy hour thing, most happy hours don't last that long. When you are going with her, bring your change of clothes to work & eat a late lunch. Go to a place that serves free food at happy hour. Then 1.5 hours should be enough time. Everybody has friends like the one you describe. Most of us just work around them. As we grow we learn to do things our way & let others come in & out as they see fit. Link to post Share on other sites
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