Caught in the middle

[amkxoxo]

So I went to college many hours away from my home. I liked the area and have started to make a life here. I met a girl named Kelly who ended up becoming a good friend of mine. She was from this area originally and was considered a local. About 9 months ago Kelly introduced me to some people in the area she went to high school with. From the way Kelly had been talking, I thought they had all been friends for a long time, but after further probing I ended up finding out that Kelly wasn't friends with them at all in high school, as they were a more popular click than her. Kelly only reconnected with them when they met up a few times while in college. They were all local so they would meet up, hangout, and go to bars sometimes.

 

First it was two guys she introduced me to. Then from there the two guys have introduced me to other guys, girls, college friends, roommates, girlfriends, boyfriends etc...I love feeling included and having what I like to think of as a friend group. We always go out and have fun. Months went by of Kelly and I meeting up with them and going out drinking or playing games at someones apartment or house. Since Kelly was their friend first, they would often invite her and then have her invite me.

 

As I started to get to know them more, they started inviting me themselves. And then times would occur where Kelly couldn't go and I would go hangout with them without her. They were becoming my friends fast. In the last few months though, things have been changing.

 

Kelly isn't into going out having some drinks at a bar anymore. We will go out and she drinks water and can sometimes almost have a little bit if a judgmental attitude towards us drinking. Kelly is into this crazy organic diet which she wants to talk about all the time, and no one wants to hear about. And Kelly sometimes invites her other friends out with the group, and some of her friends are not well liked by our group, or by me. One of Kelly's other girl friends came out with us one night. She was very rude to one of the guys and said some rude things to him that she claimed Kelly told her about him. My guy friend was annoyed and hurt. It made him not like Kelly that much either. He told me that even before Kelly's friend said these things that they were getting annoyed with Kelly and her personality. I felt horrible. Kelly had no idea. I wanted to tell her, but I also didn't want to be in the middle of it.

 

In the last few months I have been noticing a change in making plans. The guys will text me about making plans and when I talk to Kelly she has no idea about any of it. Or recently one of the guys invited me to an event 2 weeks before hand, and he only told Kelly 4 days beforehand. I felt bad. I didn't mean to blab to her that I got invited way before her. I just figured she was getting invited. A few times Kelly hasn't been able to go to things, so I go without her, and then I get invited to other things and she doesn't. I feel horrible. Its been happening more and more. Even just last weekend one of the guys wanted to see if I was free to come to a cookout at his house. He asked me a few days beforehand and I said I could go. I told him I'd be there.

 

A day later I realized Kelly wasn't invited because she asked me if I wanted to come to a cookout at her aunt's house. I felt so bad, but they were the ones not inviting her, not me. I told Kelly I had another cookout to go to and I couldn't make it. I figured it was no big deal since she was at a family thing anyway. The cookout was fun and there were only a small amount of friends there. I felt horrible when one of the guys at the party said out loud that Kelly just texted him and he told her she could stop over. Then Kelly texted me, and asked if I wanted to go with her to the cookout, the one I was already at. It was such an awkward situation. I didn't even expect her to come since she had her family thing to go to. But I guess she ditched that to come to this cookout.

 

Kelly showed up and I immediately started talking to her and told her I got her message, but realized she was already coming and I would just see her when she got here. I felt even more horrible when she asked how long I had been there. At that point I just told her the truth, that I had been there all day pretty much. I felt so bad.

 

I'm in an awkward place. Kelly was their friend first. She introduced me to them and now they like me a lot more than they like her. That isn't my fault. But she is still my good friend. I don't know what to do, but I feel bad being happy having a group of friends for myself. Everyone they introduce me to ends up liking me as well and I end up more integrated into the group. By the time Kelly go to the cookout, some people were leaving and they were hugging me goodbye because they got to know me that day. Kelly didn't know them so she just waved awkwardly and stood there.

 

The guys always plan a huge bash for their friends every year and they have even been talking to me and including me in helping throw the party. Kelly will be invited but she isn't included in the plans. No offense, I love Kelly, but she would probably invite her other friends and no one really wants them there. What bothers me also, is that Kelly praises her good girl friend who made those rude comments to one of the guys. Kelly has no idea what this girl did. And that it was a small contributing factor to them not including her anymore.

 

Any help or opinions on this? I feel that I am in a sticky situation.

[anika99]

I see a few things going on here. First of all it seems that Kelly may be moving on from this group of friends by her own choice. She has new friends, and new interests that don't include going to bars and drinking alcohol so maybe she doesn't even care that this old group of friends don't include her in every single thing anymore. Perhaps you are making more of this than you really need to.

 

 

Secondly, why does nobody have the spine to be honest with her? Why did nobody tell her that her new friend was offensive and insulting to another friend? Shouldn't friends be able to communicate and be honest with each other? It seems like everyone is judging Kelly, while she is clueless to how everyone feels because nobody is being kind enough to tell her.

 

 

Lastly I'm not sure why, if you like Kelly and you consider her a friend why all you do is feel bad when others in your group don't immediately invite her. Why can't you invite her? When you were new to the area she extended her invites to include you, so why can't you do the same for her? You would have never become part of this group had she just sat back and done nothing to include you, but now you act all helpless and refuse to extend her the same kindness.

[amkxoxo]

Its a tricky situation like you had mentioned. When she first introduced me to them, she did include me. But there were some nights when they invited us both out, and she didn't feel like going, so she would tell them no, and not even tell me they asked. Because she wasn't going, she figured we both weren't going. Now its gotten to the point where they ask us seperate and I always ask if she is going and whether she is or not, I make a decision for me. If she is, then she and I make a plan together to go together.

 

Actually just last month an event was happening and I was only going to go with Kelly, since the event was far away. I begged Kelly to go with me. At first she was going to, but then she ditched me for an extra shift she got offered at her job. She wanted to work instead of coming with me. I didn't got to the event because I was too uncomfortable going by myself.

 

Then there were other times when I would be working, and she wouldn't invite me because she knew I was working, and I would get home later in the night and have pictures of them out and about. She went out without me when I couldn't go. And I do the same sometimes without her.

 

She claims she is over going out, drinking, and staying up late. We don't get crazy when we go out, we just have fun. But this could be a contributing factor in them not enjoying her being around anymore. She's boring and sits and drinks water and acts like she is healthier than all of us.

 

Where I feel stuck is, its not my problem nor my fault that they don't invite her. I also feel it is not my place to tell her whats going on with her friendships with other people, because I still am fine with her. Secondly, I feel stuck because when they don't invite her, I feel that they just don't want her there. And who and I to invite someone they don't want around. I will always invite her to every event I am associated with. She said she was going to her aunts for a cookout. I figured she was busy. She asked if I wanted to go and I said I could not because I already was going to a cookout. The guys invited me days beforehand. They didn't invite her. They didn't want her there.

 

I mean even two weeks ago. She and I both got invited to a party. We both decided to go together. I was so excited. We made a plan together. Then suddenly a few hours before, she tells me they asked if she could work last minute that night. They only asked her, she could have said no. She told them yes and told me she was sorry. She kind of left me high and dry for this party. So I made a plan with one of the guys to go. I had a great time. Hours into the party, Kelly starts texting me about the party. Asking if she should come since she is out of work. It was already really late at that point. It was like she wanted me to beg her to come. She was texting some of the guys the same thing. Asking them if she should come. I didn't answer her. If she wanted to come after work, she could come. She clearly chose to work instead of party, so why was she so eager to come after she ditched me.

 

If she doesn't keep coming to things, she won't be invited anymore. Or sometimes she will plan fun days of hiking or trips to the beach. Sounds like an awesome time. But then she invites all her friends from her church, who no one knows, and its awkward. When she does that most times the guys immediately back out because we do want to hang out with all these random people.

 

As for the comments about no one having the guts to tell her about whats wrong. I did have the guts, but its not my fight. Guys are different. Girls would have already talked it out and been open with it. Men are not that way. I told my guy friend to tell her about what her friend said to him, but he says he is over it. He doesn't hate Kelly, he just doesn't enjoy talking to her as much. He says she isn't as fun or nice to talk to. He hates Kelly's rude friend, but he doesn't hate Kelly. He will be around her at events and parties. He has invited her to go out with us sometimes, but he just doesn't care if they are good friends like they used to be.

 

I agree with you 100% that Kelly is changing her ways and drifting from our group. She seems to want to be included badly. I notice her trying way too hard. But she is getting into this earthy crunchy organic lifestyle and she wants to talk about it all the time to people and she wants attention for it. No one cares that you don't eat meat. No one cares that you ate a ton of kale for breakfast. Its boring and self centered. She expects people to remember she eats a certain way. I do because I'm a girl and she doesn't let me forget it. But even the other day she was offered something she will not eat, and she goes "I'm a vegetarian remember?" And she says it like its obvious and that we should know. Guys don't care if you eat meat or not. She goes around that she is a million times healthier with her lifestyle. I am happy for her, but at the same time she gives off the vibe that we aren't as healthy as her. Its annoying.

[Tayla]

Its a tricky situation like you had mentioned. When she first introduced me to them, she did include me. But there were some nights when they invited us both out, and she didn't feel like going, so she would tell them no, and not even tell me they asked. Because she wasn't going, she figured we both weren't going. Now its gotten to the point where they ask us seperate and I always ask if she is going and whether she is or not, I make a decision for me. If she is, then she and I make a plan together to go together.

 

Actually just last month an event was happening and I was only going to go with Kelly, since the event was far away. I begged Kelly to go with me. At first she was going to, but then she ditched me for an extra shift she got offered at her job. She wanted to work instead of coming with me. I didn't got to the event because I was too uncomfortable going by myself.

 

Then there were other times when I would be working, and she wouldn't invite me because she knew I was working, and I would get home later in the night and have pictures of them out and about. She went out without me when I couldn't go. And I do the same sometimes without her.

 

She claims she is over going out, drinking, and staying up late. We don't get crazy when we go out, we just have fun. But this could be a contributing factor in them not enjoying her being around anymore. She's boring and sits and drinks water and acts like she is healthier than all of us.

 

Where I feel stuck is, its not my problem nor my fault that they don't invite her. I also feel it is not my place to tell her whats going on with her friendships with other people, because I still am fine with her. Secondly, I feel stuck because when they don't invite her, I feel that they just don't want her there. And who and I to invite someone they don't want around. I will always invite her to every event I am associated with. She said she was going to her aunts for a cookout. I figured she was busy. She asked if I wanted to go and I said I could not because I already was going to a cookout. The guys invited me days beforehand. They didn't invite her. They didn't want her there.

 

I mean even two weeks ago. She and I both got invited to a party. We both decided to go together. I was so excited. We made a plan together. Then suddenly a few hours before, she tells me they asked if she could work last minute that night. They only asked her, she could have said no. She told them yes and told me she was sorry. She kind of left me high and dry for this party. So I made a plan with one of the guys to go. I had a great time. Hours into the party, Kelly starts texting me about the party. Asking if she should come since she is out of work. It was already really late at that point. It was like she wanted me to beg her to come. She was texting some of the guys the same thing. Asking them if she should come. I didn't answer her. If she wanted to come after work, she could come. She clearly chose to work instead of party, so why was she so eager to come after she ditched me.

 

If she doesn't keep coming to things, she won't be invited anymore. Or sometimes she will plan fun days of hiking or trips to the beach. Sounds like an awesome time. But then she invites all her friends from her church, who no one knows, and its awkward. When she does that most times the guys immediately back out because we do want to hang out with all these random people.

 

As for the comments about no one having the guts to tell her about whats wrong. I did have the guts, but its not my fight. Guys are different. Girls would have already talked it out and been open with it. Men are not that way. I told my guy friend to tell her about what her friend said to him, but he says he is over it. He doesn't hate Kelly, he just doesn't enjoy talking to her as much. He says she isn't as fun or nice to talk to. He hates Kelly's rude friend, but he doesn't hate Kelly. He will be around her at events and parties. He has invited her to go out with us sometimes, but he just doesn't care if they are good friends like they used to be.

 

I agree with you 100% that Kelly is changing her ways and drifting from our group. She seems to want to be included badly. I notice her trying way too hard. But she is getting into this earthy crunchy organic lifestyle and she wants to talk about it all the time to people and she wants attention for it. No one cares that you don't eat meat. No one cares that you ate a ton of kale for breakfast. Its boring and self centered. She expects people to remember she eats a certain way. I do because I'm a girl and she doesn't let me forget it. But even the other day she was offered something she will not eat, and she goes "I'm a vegetarian remember?" And she says it like its obvious and that we should know. Guys don't care if you eat meat or not. She goes around that she is a million times healthier with her lifestyle. I am happy for her, but at the same time she gives off the vibe that we aren't as healthy as her. Its annoying.

 

WOW! So she is ridiculed for choosing a healthy diet and wishing to share such knowledge with folks who pour poison into their system (Re: Alcohol)???.

Yes she does seem to be outgrowing the teen mentality group. As for her being self centered, its called self worthy to balance out the true friends from the social friends. I doubt that either of you will be friends in the next 5 years.

Will applaud your group though, because the mature thing to do is to keep inviting the person and to be discrete in which battles are worth fighting. And telling some one off isn't one of them. So for that, it does sound as though some actually have good manners.

 

Some of my social friends do not get along with one another, yet when put to the test, each one of them concedes that they have no problems getting along when I am hosting an event. They put their differences to the side.

[amkxoxo]

We do not ridicule her. I support her. She shoves it down your throat sometimes. Always talking about the food she eats and she buys food at the expensive organic store and sending pictures of all this food she makes that is all healthy. No one cares that much. I eat healthy. I exercise a lot. I follow the medical recommendations of food consumption from doctors for my size and age. Occasionally I have a sweet treat or go out and have some drinks with friends. It’s fun and social to do so and I enjoy it. I drink maybe once or twice a month. I don’t criticize Kelly if she has water, I applaud her trying to be healthy without alcohol. But when you say you are over drinking and partying, but then she walks out with a beer, it’s a little confusing.

 

Kelly almost makes you feel stupid for eating regular food. No one cares how much kale you ate for breakfast or if you can’t eat eggs. And to top it off she only does these stupid challenges for thirty days at a time. A month of no meat, then she eats meat again. What the point? Or one month of no dairy? Again, what’s the point.

 

She preaches her lifestyle like it’s so important and then she cheats. We went out for ice cream last week. She couldn’t have any. She kept stating how she will get all the toppings and no ice cream. She ended up asking for a small scoop for her bowl from the ice cream lady. How can you preach all this healthy stuff and then cheat. A week earlier a friend had a party with desserts and she ended up eating all sorts of dairy willingly. But we leave the party and she preaches her healthy no dairy lifestyle. It’s so annoying. And if I ever mention her eating dairy in front of friends, she gets all defensive and starts saying how she hasn’t had any in 10 days since and she still has 20 more days. It’s annoying.

 

I don’t eat pork. For medical reasons my whole family cannot eat pork. We have been this way for more than 10 years. Not many people know because I don’t spread it around or use it for attention. It’s a family personal matter and life choice that I have to abide by. When offered pork, I politely decline and if they ask why, I tell them it’s a family belief and I don’t elaborate more unless they ask. I don’t preach my no pork eating lifestyle on anyone. I don’t talk about how great it is or anything. It’s what I have to do to be medically okay.

 

We all wanted to go out for pizza a few weeks ago. Pizza has cheese which is dairy. Kelly talked the whole time about no dairy and no cheese, but she ate the pizza, and then kept saying how she can’t have it. That’s annoying to go out with, and to be around sometimes.

 

I would love to buy the expensive organic food to feel better about what I am eating, but I have to make do with what I can get. I have a full time job and live in my own place where I pay my own bills. Kelly can only live her lifestyle because her parents financially support her and she lives with them still. Most of our friends are also financially independent and have bills to pay. I love Kelly because she is a kind person and I know she means well, but I miss the days where she and I would talk about boys and go out to eat all the time.

 

She tries too hard to fit in sometimes but at the same time she is trying to get attention and she wants people to care so much about her different lifestyle. I care about her, but at the same time I don’t want her to ruin the friendship she has with our friends because of her personality now. I want all of us to have fun like we used to.

 

I mean she even does it with other stuff we talk about. I have an underlying medical condition, I was diagnosed with last year. It comes with some unique symptoms and I have to plan my life around good days and bad days. I am healthy but its just a little kink in the road. I live with it everyday and I’m lucky I am as healthy as I am. I will be talking to Kelly about how I don’t feel good one day and how its bringing me down and it’s my sickness. She has to pipe in and tell me how bad her allergies were a week ago. I feel for her. I have allergies like most people, but I am talking about an everyday struggle I have to live with for the rest of my life. I would kill for allergies over that.

[Tayla]

Sorry to hear about your ailments, you do deserve to be heard, and Kelly does seem insensitive in that way.

 

I still think she sounds like a nice girl and not a trouble maker or bad influence on ppl. If anything, she sounds normal and has her share of passions that may or may not blend in well with the general community....