Can't see our friendship in the same way

[papierowl]

after my friend confessed to me. He said he thought about it for a while, and realized he had feelings for me. He also admitted he was a bit afraid of confessing to me not knowing how I would take it. I value honesty a lot so of course I was grateful that he told me this, especially since its takes a lot of guts to straight up confess to the person you like.

 

However(and this is the part where I may get yelled at), I don't really see myself dating my friend even though we're really compatible. He has suggested we try going on some dates to see if we work out, but I don't want to go on dates with a person I know I have no attraction towards. He's really sweet about it, saying that even if I reject him our friendship will still be the same. But sometimes I think that can only hold true for so long, given past experiences.

 

We've been talking, and everything seems to be going good but I feel terrible that I don't even feel like meeting up with him or anything because I feel a little bit stressed out? I can't even look at him without feeling uncomfortable and I just hate that I can't our friendship in the same light. He hints once in a while that we should do something that would count as a date, but I just brush it off.

 

I'm not even sure about what problem I want to solve. I wish he never confessed to me? I wish there wasn't this lingering guilt I feel when I think about how I just want to continue being friends with him but the fact that he has feelings for me makes me want to push him away. I know I should just straight up tell him I'm not interested in dating instead of just saying that I want to remain single for a while(which is a terribly generic excuse I know but is also partially true).

 

I just needed to type this stuff out I guess.

[La.Primavera]

It sounds like you are feeling guilty and uncomfortable about having to reject him but the truth is you have to do it.

 

Right now he still thinks he has a chance so of course any time you spend with him will feel tense and awkward. You might feel bad about doing it but trust me you will actually be doing him a huge favor.

 

If you say something like "I need to be honest with you, there is no chance of your feelings being returned" it leaves no doubt how you feel. He can move on. He will likely feel hurt and rejected but at least he won't waste his time on the wrong person.

 

You said you are already avoiding situations that could seem like a date. I think you should keep avoiding those situations once you have told him. He needs to move on and he can't while he still thinks there is hope. Not to mention it will be a while before you will trust his motives when you are together.

 

The sooner you are honest, the better things will be for both of you.

[badpenny]

I have said this before, but women/girls/females (whatever!) find it much easier to be in a platonic relationship with a guy, and have absolutely no intimate or sexual inclinations towards them, than heterosexual guys do.

 

A woman may have gay friends because there's no pressure.

They have the male friendship and perspective, but also someone in whom they can confide, find empathy and have a good time with.

They can hug and cuddle with no innuendo, agenda or hidden motives.

 

Heterosexual males unfortunately, have a sexual viewpoint or angle within what the woman considers to be a platonic relationship.

I have many male friends; but I have only one platonic friendship. I am pretty confident that if I were to turn the 'friendship' up a notch with most of my male friends (who are all 'attached' by the way) they would immediately assume there was an ulterior motive there.

 

You feel guilty, because you like the friendship, and would love it to continue, but now you know he has an agenda and you don't want to lead him on, or give him false hope. But you don't want to sacrifice the friendship.

 

he can't turn his feelings on and off.

 

You either have to be utterly blunt with him, and tell him absolutely clearly, firmly and precisely that there is no way, no how, ever in a million years that you would ever date him, ...."so please, get that out of your head right now, because it's not going to happen, while we both breathe"....

 

or cut the friendship out completely.

 

If you go for the former, add that the ball is now in his court; he can either keeps seeing you in friendship-mode only, and he will just have to deal with and process his feelings himself, or he can stop seeing you.

 

But cake and eat it?

In your case and his?

 

No.

[preraph]

The way you feel is perfectly normal. You don't want to hurt him, but you have to. Not sure how long he's been keeping this secret, but if it's very long, this is partly his own fault, because that's misleading someone to pretend you're only friends until you burst a vessel over it and have to tell her.

 

You need to just tell him you never viewed him as anything more than a friend and that now that you know how he feels, you feel it's best to have no more contact. Remaining friends with him will only give him hope and keep him in this rut instead of moving on. Tell him that.