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Problem with roomie - am I being unreasonable?


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Ok, good folks of Loveshack, I have a little domestic problem that I could do with some objective advice on.

 

I am in my mid-thirties, female and share an apartment with three others. Two women, one guy – two in their mid-thirties, one late twenties. Two of us work, two are graduate students in a doctoral program. Two of us are in relationships, two are single. We usually get along fine, have a harmonious household and split chores and bills. No issues.

 

Now. Whenever one of my roomies' partners stays over occasionally, this just happens without asking. More than ok with me, that's what you expect when someone has a partner. However, one of my roomies has her BF staying with her all the time now, for the last week, and this is expected to continue for some time. And it is this which is annoying me.

 

Some background as this may be relevant...they split up last year (he instigated), she wanted him back and got her wish this year when they got back together. Let's call my roomie Jane.

 

Jane's BF is ok. He's tidy, not noisy. However, he is currently planning to go travelling (I don't know how long for), and will then be looking to buy a house when he's back. HE will buy a house, not the two of them together. This means he has moved out of his rental place. And he seems to have moved in with us temporarily. He spends most of the day sitting in the living room on his laptop – planning his travels I assume. Our apartment consists of 4 bedrooms, living room with small kitchenette in one corner, bathroom and hallway. No balcony or garden. It's compact but cosy. But there are now effectively 5 people living here. He does not clean or contribute to bills (if he pays his GF still still does not mean less bills for us other three). PLUS he spends all his time in the living room.

 

 

 

I have tried to thinkabout why this is annoying me so much, and have come up with two reasons:

  1. I would like to use the living room too sometimes, just to hang out. We don't have a TV, but it's a nice airy room and it's kinda awkward when someone else is always in there that you didn't choose to live with.
  2. his GF (my roomie) didn't ask us whether we're ok with him staying there all the time for weeks.

I haven't asked my other two roomies what they think about the situation, and they may well be fine with it – I have no idea. We normally have a good atmosphere at home, and I am hesitant to ask them as I don't want Jane to think I'm talking about her behind her back. If I call a house meeting, and it turns out they're fine, I look like the idiot with the problem.

 

I tried to bring it up to Jane and her BF. When he arrived a couple days ago with some boxes, he mentioned something about there being more boxes in his car. That is when it dawned on me why he was always here – he'd clearly moved out somewhere. I said (in what I aimed to be a joking tone) “oh, are you moving in?”. He laughed and then said that he wasn't, but that he would be around a lot for the next few weeks.

 

So what would you do? As I see it, there are several possibilities:

 

- say nothing and wait for him to leave and go travelling

- say something to the both of them and risk looking like a small-minded idiot, especially if my other two roomies are happy with the situation

- ask my other two roomies for their opinion first, and only say something if they're unhappy too

- call a housemeeting without talking to anybody first

 

I'd be grateful for your opinions!

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You need to get together with the paying roommates and make a rule right now about how long a "visit" can last. I think maximum 48 hours is reasonable. No one stays longer. You may have to make a rule to go with that such as 48 hours in a week's time. And no new roommates without everyone agreeing on it, unanimously, not by majority. Because letting somene move in and splitting rent when everyone doesn't agree on it isn't fair to an existing tenant. And also, couples always want to only split their share and never think they ought to have to divide the whole household into it, which is certainly not fair.

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shinyprettything

Basically this same thing happened to me years ago except we didn't have additional roomies. It was just me and my friend and then her boyfriend. I had already given her the master bedroom with attached bathroom because she was the one with a boyfriend and figured it would be more comfortable for her when he stayed over. We split the rent evenly even though I had the lesser accommodations. He started to stay over A LOT and then even more. It was already hard enough that I was in the way in my own place because they wanted to do their couple-y things. He was/is a real cheapskate also and she is very very homie.

 

So finally I spoke to her about it and don't remember exactly what I said but I said it was getting to seem like he was living there and "did he have a key?". I felt like he must have because he was often there when she wasn't. That's not a guest OR a guest overstaying his welcome. That is a roommate if he has a key. She claimed he didn't. A few days later I found him at our apartment alone and because of the timing knew he got in with a key so that night I told her he was welcome to become a roommate and split rent with us. They knew I was right and that they weren't going to keep getting away with it and agreed. Some people are freeloaders and you just have to call them out on it. I hadn't really wanted that living situation but that wasn't the part that bothered me the most. The part that bothered me was that I was being taken advantage of. If he paid rent, then it was fair(ish) compromise.

 

I know it's not comfortable to have the talk. If I was in your shoes, I would talk to the other two roomies first. You don't have to be gossipy about it. Just phrase it neutrally and ask their position on it. I would guess they have a similar position as you, especially the one without a bf. The entitlement of what a person would do for his or her partner doesn't have to extend to the roomies without a cost or benefit to you guys. After he is done traveling it will take him a while to find, secure and buy his new place too and if you allow it now, guess where he is moving back into until he figures new house out?

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still_an_Angel

I'd call a house meeting and present the problem. Set the guest rules regarding overnight stays and the like, at the very least, if a house mate has a guest that will be staying more than 1 night, the house mate or the guest must contribute a set amount (say $15-20 per night) to cover electricity, heating, water and basics like coffee, sugar, etc. And, a house meeting should be called whenever a house mate will be having a guest stay over, everyone should be aware of how long guests are staying, etc.

 

 

And no, you are not being unreasonable, an extra person staying in the house adds to the total cost of running the house, therefore, the roomie who has a guest must fork out a bit more to be fair on everyone else.

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That's totally ridiculous. Doesn't the freeloader feel a bit awkward mooching off of your whole household? I'd be pissed.

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Yes, I think a 'family meeting' is called for.

Perhaps speak to the other two first, because there's nothing worse than having a legitimate and justified opinion, then discovering that however legitimate and justified it is, the others really don't give a fiddler's elbow either way.

 

Put your thoughts forward in as neutral a way as you can, but also give your opinion, and seek feedback.

Only then, will you know at what kind of 'level' to approach this....

 

It's clearly unfair, particularly as nothing has been said, or put forward by 'Jane'.

She kind of assumed that maybe if things were done quietly, nobody would notice too much. I think (I'm hoping, that is) that there may be an element of guilt, too... she's become increasingly embarrassed to even consider bringing the matter up....

 

But yes. In my opinion, this is totally unreasonable.

 

How would he feel if after buying his house, you were to go stay there for a few weeks, and take a load of stuff, sit in his sitting-room on your computer, use his stuff, bathroom, fridge, cooker, etc., and contribute nothing to the household expenses?

 

One way of putting it....

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There needs to be a meeting/adjustment ASAP. Is this guy on the lease? Does landlord know he is living there? I would not like it one bit. At the very least the rent and expenses need to be divided by 5 – instead of 4. And to be honest, I wouldn’t be so sure about his buying a house….could just be a way to stall. Right now he’s a freeloader and it will continue only if you and the others allow it to.

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Thanks everyone who's posted so far...seems I am not overreacting then.

 

I spoke to one roomie already - it bugged me when I got home yesterday afternoon, and Jane and her BF had popped out. He felt the same way I did. We agreed to leave it another week and then bring it up.

 

Then, when I got home from work tonight, I saw Jane in the living room sans BF, so brought it up. Turns out she thought he'd only been there a few days (it has been at least a week), and that she was also annoyed that he'd hogged the living room and she'd told him to stay in her room instead. Which he hadn't. He's gone away to visit someone now, no idea when he'll be back. She asked me whether I minded people having visitors staying over, because SHE didn't (her tone implied that I was being narrow-minded)...I said I didn't, after all having significant others at weekends is fine, but that other visitors AND having partners for more than 2 nights should be discussed beforehand. I have always done so, and so have the other two roomies. I just minded because nothing was mentioned, and it had been more than a few days.

 

So at the moment it's ok. She knows it annoyed me, he's away for a while, and she knows to bring this up with us when he comes back and ask how everyone feels about it. As I said, weekends = ok, but longer than that, she needs to ask first.

 

Thanks for everyone's input...I was thinking about what happens if his house purchase takes time! Hopefully it will not be an issue.

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I don't consider moving in for a while til my house is ready to be "visiting", tbh. She's minimizing it by calling it "visiting" but I suppose if you guys are okay w/ him holing up in her room? Is he there when shes not? I wouldn't be okay w/ that.

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I think, in order to offer her support (even though obviously, she's partially responsible) it would be helpful if you and your other room-mates ALSO mentioned it to him. He needs to know from you guys that this is hacking you all off. Otherwise he may think she's getting flaky and picking holes.

 

So I will add this:

They were together, they split up, and now they appear together again.

 

What this issue may do, or how it might affect their relationship - IS NOT YOUR CONCERN.

THis is outside of that situation.

This affects you and the other housemates.

 

This is a legitimate issue and one you have a right to deal with.

 

It looks to me as if he is taking distinct advantage of her (and by rote, you)

He seems to assume he can gallivant into her/your life, bring his stuff, then swan off again on a long trip, and buy his own place, for himself (you pointed out she was not considered in the purchase) and in the meantime everyone will put up with his inconsiderate and thoughtless manner?

 

Really??

 

(Hmmmm...... Maybe you also need to quietly ask her what, precisely, the attraction is, now, second time around? ;) )

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Glad you said something, but you need to post written rules about it and leave no ambiguity. Now she's been told to talk to the others about it, but what if one other says it's okay and the rest disagree? You need to have a whole house meeting and write it down and put it on the fridge so all the guests can see.

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veggirl: yes, he is there when she isn't. And that bugged me too. Not because he's dishonest, but you come home after work and feel like you're disturbing HIM.

 

If he kept to her room when she's out, and wasn't hogging the living room so much, I'd be happier. But still, staying for days on end does increase bills.

 

I'll wait for the third housemate to come back (she's on vacation at the moment) and call a house meeting. Then we can agree clear rules.

Edited by chestnut
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What does your apartment lease state on house guest or visitors?

 

Ours is set up that after 4 days they are considered an unauthorized tenant and thus in violation of the lease. we have to get approval thru the Landlord should there be a Short term situation that requires exception.

 

Direct it with resolution as the goal. State the facts .

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OP, sooooo you’re “ok with it” if he stays in gf’s room. You’re willing to provide him with roof over his head, (some) food, and utilities. Hmmm. And you can be SURE his “house purchase” will take a long time. Why should he hurry? He can just kick back and enjoy the freeloading. Great deal!! (for him) sheesh (rolling my eyes)

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Methodical

Add me to the list of people who would be irritated. She can play naive all she wants and pretend she had no idea he'd been there for more than a few days; however, a person doesn't typically bring boxes of possessions over without being invited to stay for an extended period of time. To say she was oblivious would be a lie and I'd call her out on it. As others have stated, clear boundaries need to be established and adhered to. And no, he'll be in no hurry to purchase a house when he can mooch.

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loveweary11

This is a very common problem and nobody puts up with it.

 

Normally, either he goes, or they both go.

 

Definitely set a house rule about how long visitors can stay and attachna steep financial penalty to breaking the rule.

 

Don't screw around.

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I don’t believe for one second that Jane didn’t realize how long her bf had been there. Come ON. That is such a crock. I wouldn’t even like/tolerate partners spending the night every now and then – this particular situation with Jane’s bf is outrageous. He knows Jane is “into” him. He’s playing her and everyone else and they’re allowing it. He knows roommates are to wussy to object. Him "planning to buy a house" is most likely another crock. The place sounds like a zoo. Owner/landlord should give EVERYONE notice and evict.

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When he comes back... that house buying process... it's going to take longer than 6 hours, he'll be back in your place until the "house purchase" is done with. He's definitely not buying a house while traveling so be prepared for that.

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And he seems to have moved in with us temporarily. He spends most of the day sitting in the living room on his laptop – planning his travels
So the guy is an unemployed flake and a moocher. “Planning his travels” my Aunt Fanny. “Moved out of his rental place” = thrown out or formally evicted. If he has assets allowing him to travel and buy a house then he surely can chip in on expenses. This is all such obvious BS. Just because his dopey desperate gf wants to support him doesn’t mean her roommates have to. If you continue to do so, you’re fools.
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Ok, I told her last night that partners are fine to stay up to two nights max (weekends) without asking the others, but more than 2 nights and all roomies have to agree. Jane agreed to this, and I WILL call her and him out on it if he tries a repeat of his last stay. Not happening again.

 

She really seems embarrassed about the while situation. Whether this is because she's embarrassed she's been rumbled, or genuinely had no idea, I don't really care. As long as he doesn't stay for more than 2 days per week. My other roomie has his partner over at the weekends, and I don't mind her as they keep to his room and are out most of the day. And when they're in they often cook for everyone, so she kinda does "pay her way" to an extent.

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Talk is cheap. They could not care less about you "calling them out". You're kidding yourself. “Calling them out” does not = collecting MONEY for his freeloading. Also, you're rationalizing about the cooking (and about several other things) hardly balances everything out. Kinda, to an extent...(pffft) But…..whatever.

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That's what I meant though by calling him out - that any more than 2 nights, we'll be asking him to contribute to costs. And THAT (staying more than 2 nights) cannot be a regular thing either, as it would mean he's living with us and that is not allowed under the lease.

 

Maybe I'm being too lenient, but when housesharing with people who are in a relationship, I don't mind them having their partner over at weekends. Normally people take turns at visiting each other, so at most you'd have their partner at your place twice a month. Which I'm ok with. I can understand why others may not be though.

Edited by chestnut
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OP, Reading between the lines, you just need your own place or at least not a dorm-apartment. You're not a kid anymore. Go to your room!

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Saving for a house deposit at the moment, so hopefully yes - this won't be an issue in the future.

 

Rent for studios/1-bed apartments is very high in my city, so instead I'm saving and hopefully I can get my own place soon :)

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