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I think my BFF and I are broken up


shinyprettything

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shinyprettything

Have just had the hugest issue with my best friend. I'm not sure we will ever recover. I have been a long time poster on this site and know people can be so helpful and supportive. I guess I'm trying to keep my stuff together in light of a bad situation and looking for kind words.

 

We have been friends for 20+ years and she is like a sister. There have been a million positives to our friendship and when I moved from our home area we are still best friends although our friendship is mostly through phone calls, texting and when I visit home or trips. I tell her virtually everything that happens to me and in detail as she does to me too. Prior to this issue, we've only had 2 fights in all these years, which were pretty mild and nothing ugly.

 

Obviously, over that length of time, we've been through lots of ups and downs individually. A big part of the issue has to do with the fact that we confide most everything to each other. On the outside, most people would guess we have relatively good lives and ultimately that is the truth. However, confiding everything gives one a lot of ammunition that no one else really has, like confiding insecurities or things you hope will happen but worry won't and when you are taken advantage of by others, expressing disappointment about that. Honestly, it's mostly how one feels in a moment of being down or telling your best friend everything. It is not how things are reflected in my real life. In real life, I have a great job, enough money, outgoing and healthy with lots of friends. I'm always striving to be better and one of our biggest bonds has been over self-improvement in every area. We can talk for hours about this kind of stuff.

 

One of the negatives about our friendship, which has happened to me with other friends too, is that I'm fine letting the other person be the dominant one and I avoid confrontation and I'm an easygoing and loyal friend. With friends, I generally don't think things are worth fighting about. If I really don't like how a friend has treated me, I will usually just distance myself. I am a great friend, to a fault. I have been taken for granted and mistreated by a lot of people in my life. Mostly because I'm a good girl. I do what is right and expected. I don't make waves. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to read between the lines and see that one of the biggest problems is that i'm too nice. With 100% confidence, I can tell whoever is reading this saga that I treat people really well, especially my friends, particularly my best friend.

 

I notice that at certain points my best friend will pull power trips on me for no particular reason. As much as I love her, she can be bratty and selfish. Unfortunately when you admire someone and they spend a lot of time giving you advice, you have handed them a power which you trust they are going to use fairly. In all my time of knowing my best friend, she has never misused it by saying hurtful things or as far as I know talked behind my back. Even the 2 times we were in a fight, we handled with respect.

 

This time was different. We've been playing phone tag for a few days. If anything, this is her big part of power trip that she pulls on me. She doesn't work or have a family yet will be too busy for days to respond to calls or texts. See above! I make a real effort to reach out to her and already know this part of her. She knows when she wants to reach me, I will answer right away or text back or spend hours on the phone for whatever her current dilemma is even though I have to make a real effort to squeeze it in. Anyway I still look forward to talking to her and this is a happy part of my life. I've accepted that this is just something I deal with as part of who she is and the positives outweigh the negatives. Though I'm not explaining it well but our friendship is not really balanced and I do know that. It just doesn't come up very often that it isn't balanced.

 

About 2-3 times a year she will be in a ****ty mood on the phone. She is quick with words whereas I'm not. I'm also not confrontational. She will try to antagonize or kind of bully for lack of a better word with how she is talking to me during these times. I truly get scared. Mainly because she is trying to provoke a fight where there is none and I don't want to fight with my friend. Once this starts it's hard to get it to stop. You can't get off the phone because that would be a diss and when you say there is no problem she doesn't believe you and keeps poking. I'm explaining this terribly but I have seen her do it to family members and husband and boyfriends. She's a strong personality and we all pretty much rollover.

 

So she did this to me the other day and for first time I defended myself. It was bugging me that she was trying to create a problem between us when there was none and be antagonistic and then flipping that on me. It makes no sense at all. Why would I call her to start a fight? It is always a bright spot to talk to her. If anything I was overeager to talk to her and it was annoying to super cool her (the other part of her power trip). So basically at end of conversation said to me one sentence that summed up every problem or insecurity I've ever told her. It's like someone you've given the power to hurt you because you've been honest with her and she is summing things up incorrectly also. I have similar ammunition to do the same to her but I never would. I don't know how a friendship could recover from something like this because: if you really believe what you said then I wouldn't want to be friends with you and if you are so careless with hurtful words than how can I confide to you like we always have.

 

I'm trying to figure out what could have really made her so antagonistic so I could try to see it in any way from her point of view. Or why she would be hurt when conversation started. All I can think of is that she had some important life stuff, good things that I've been supportive of that had happened in last week. I was at work when she initially texted updates and responded as much as I could which was plenty for the average person and normally enough for her but as I said she is very used to me being at her beck and call. She acted like it was good enough when I texted back. I called two or three days in a row to hear the long version but fairly sure she was on a power trip about it because she didn't answer or call back when I could talk at length. I didn't mind. I'm very used to it and the updates were hers so she should tell when she is in mood to. I did call and leave more messages saying how happy I was for her and positive encouragement. I was only happy about her stuff. We have very little, if anything, that we are envious about in each other. I'm always happy for her good stuff.

 

One of the reasons I think we've been such good friends is that it rarely gets competitive between us. Typically been very mutually supportive. Actually right now I have a lot of not so great things going on with me and since she is like family this felt like a bright spot of something we've worked hard on going right. This is another reason why what she said hurt so much. Because she knows I have a lot of not great things going on right now. It was definitely a huge kick when you are down. One of the things is that one of my parents was just diagnosed last week and is really sick. April has been a very hard month. Needless to say, she has almost always been a very happy spot in my life. We laugh and forget everything else going on.

 

I even reached out after the phone call because I knew that unlike previous fights this would not just blow over. I just said that I was hurt and defended myself on some stuff so she could understand. I thought it was important to say that if she didn't want to talk to me then she didn't have to do it and apologized if I did anything wrong which I didn't but I was willing to say. She came back with more hurtful things like the kind that cut you to your core and make you think you will never have another friend and everything is wrong with you. She is not used to me defending myself. I don't want to post the specifics in case she was ever to see this but generalizing statements that hurt the entirety of who you are.

 

I've spent a lot of our friendship building her up and idolizing her which is part of why it's unbalanced. I'm always supportive of her and she knows she holds a valuable spot in my life and wields great power over what I think and advice I take. She is so excellent with words and came back with more awful things. She is like a guy who can turn every argument around on you. I was neutral enough that if you wanted to find a place to come back from you could. I never said horrible things about her during this though I could have easily because she has told me lots and her life speaks for itself. It's not better than mine but I'm more sensitive and put more stock into her.

 

I'm trying to imagine not having her in my life which I never thought would happen but I can't see coming back from this. In reality, she has held me back because she often flakes and it is one-sided. I've been loyal to her through a number of things where I probably should have moved on. But part of growing up has been realizing no one person is everything and I accept her for the part that she does add to my life.

 

I will take any advice. Thanks for reading.

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Although I don't know your friend, and I'm only getting your perspective, I can try to give you a little insight on her personality. I have a strong personality like your friend. And I can be selfish as well. But I've never used it as a power trip. A lot of times it's just my lack of social grace; especially with nicer women. I tend to miss some sensitivities, not to be mean, but because I'm oblivious. But for all of my fumbling, I am a true and loyal friend and would do anything for my very best friend, who I've known for some 20+ years as well and live a distance away. We too have had ups and downs but she is a strong personality too so we know how to manage each other especially through tough times. So perhaps she's not even aware of what she's doing or how she's making you feel. Maybe what you see as a power trip is just her obliviousness.

 

What you see as confrontation may be her way of expressing something she's feeling. I do this unporposefully sometimes as well. Something may be bothering me but I don't quite know how to say it politely so it then comes out all wrong...I don't condone however her using anything as ammunition to hurt someone. That just isn't fair. And it sounds like her internal issue, not yours.

 

I'm approaching this as maybe she's just misunderstood. In which case, stay positive. Give her some distance. Don't always be available. She may be taking you for granted and not even realize it. We do tend to hurt the ones that are closest to us because we fall into a comfort zone. Let her know you value her but back off a bit, see what she does. And you have to let her know using hurtful words is not okay. But again, stay positive. I know it's a delicate balance. I have some friends that know how to handle me and others don't. When a friend can approach me in a positive matter and say look I don't like it when, or it hurt me when, I very much want to fix it...

 

If she truly is a bully, then give her lots of space. Pull back. Don't give her the reward of your friendship. I know this may be difficult, but she needs to find grate fullness for what she has. My friend and I drifted apart at one point for a few years, but with some maturity, we are stronger than ever now. I hope it works out for you two.

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shinyprettything

Oh thanks for answering! I appreciate you taking the time. It just what I needed. Sadly, she was very succinct and knew exactly what she was doing with her statements. She meant to hurt me and when we texted afterward said so and kept doing so with more. Overall before this specific incidence I would say you are right about her selfishness. In her case she knows but doesn't really care and everyone lets her get away with it, me included. On a normal day it can just be so commonplace that the power trips or selfishness are just a regular thing and I accept it. Not too bothered by it or only momentarily which she would never know about.

 

I did already tell her that it wasn't ok to say those things to me. So I guess I got that part right from your advice. She didn't react well to it. Not used to confrontation from me. But it was really bad what she did so I had to. If this was just a minor tiff or a general feeling I was having, I could easily do what you said and pull back. That's exactly what I would want to do. However, she implied of ending our friendship and I did too.

 

I like what you said about not giving her the reward of my friendship. I have to keep reminding myself of that even if I miss her or think she is in any way right about the stuff she said. What's hard is that what she said hurts to the core and keeps echoing in my head over and over. Like it might be true. Logically I know it's not true. She just capitalized on all the things she knows about me and lashed out with something that would hurt me deeply and make me doubt myself. She's never been vindictive until now. So I'm waiting to see if she will take this out on me publicly too.

 

I'm going to keep moving forward and be positive. It kind of feels like hitting rock bottom with all the other things going on in my life right now. I can get strong about this part in the short term. Mostly importantly about who I am. That's what she attacked. I don't really know how I would want to proceed with her anyway. I'm scared about the long term. I never imagined my life without her since we are so close. The other fight we had she reached out to me after about 6 months. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong and that pulling back at that time was the right thing to do. The one before that I don't even remember who reached out to who. Think it was mutual because of being at events with our group of friends.

 

I would bet other people who are too nice can relate to holding out to being reached out to. The thing about being too nice all along is that when our friendship wasn't happening my life didn't change that much since our friendship was unbalanced to begin with. I'm sure she felt the loss more then that's why she reached out. I try to keep that in mind now. I don't think she will reach out this time though. Last time I drifted away as you suggested for this problem so there was nothing so horrible to work through. This time I can see she thinks she shouldn't apologize ever. Plus she attacked who I am as if she wouldn't want to be friends with me nor would anyone. It's weird that one person would be able to do have power over you where you are contemplating if that might be true. I'm an awesome friend. It's one of my very best traits. All day long I just keep wondering why someone would do this to me. I've definitely had a streak of bad luck lately. I hope there is nowhere to go but up. I will keep posting updates. Briefer ones hopefully, I just feel pretty bad right now :) Thanks again for taking the time.

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Although I don't know your friend, and I'm only getting your perspective, I can try to give you a little insight on her personality. I have a strong personality like your friend. And I can be selfish as well. But I've never used it as a power trip. A lot of times it's just my lack of social grace; especially with nicer women. I tend to miss some sensitivities, not to be mean, but because I'm oblivious. But for all of my fumbling, I am a true and loyal friend and would do anything for my very best friend, who I've known for some 20+ years as well and live a distance away. We too have had ups and downs but she is a strong personality too so we know how to manage each other especially through tough times. So perhaps she's not even aware of what she's doing or how she's making you feel. Maybe what you see as a power trip is just her obliviousness.

 

What you see as confrontation may be her way of expressing something she's feeling. I do this unporposefully sometimes as well. Something may be bothering me but I don't quite know how to say it politely so it then comes out all wrong...I don't condone however her using anything as ammunition to hurt someone. That just isn't fair. And it sounds like her internal issue, not yours.

 

I'm approaching this as maybe she's just misunderstood. In which case, stay positive. Give her some distance. Don't always be available. She may be taking you for granted and not even realize it. We do tend to hurt the ones that are closest to us because we fall into a comfort zone. Let her know you value her but back off a bit, see what she does. And you have to let her know using hurtful words is not okay. But again, stay positive. I know it's a delicate balance. I have some friends that know how to handle me and others don't. When a friend can approach me in a positive matter and say look I don't like it when, or it hurt me when, I very much want to fix it...

 

If she truly is a bully, then give her lots of space. Pull back. Don't give her the reward of your friendship. I know this may be difficult, but she needs to find grate fullness for what she has. My friend and I drifted apart at one point for a few years, but with some maturity, we are stronger than ever now. I hope it works out for you two.

 

You have really given a very good advice and that's why I like it. Something like this is happening to a friend of mine too and I have directed her to your reply.

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I have to admit that I too am slow in returning phone calls. I hate talking on the phone and sometimes my friends can go on and on about things I just don't care about. I find it boring. Maybe your friend feels the same way when talking to you. (Sorry if that hurt your feelings.) It doesn't sound like she is missing you as much as you miss her. I would leave her alone for now and let her be the one to contact you next. If she doesn't you will know that she doesn't miss the friendship.

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shinyprettything
I have to admit that I too am slow in returning phone calls. I hate talking on the phone and sometimes my friends can go on and on about things I just don't care about. I find it boring. Maybe your friend feels the same way when talking to you. (Sorry if that hurt your feelings.) It doesn't sound like she is missing you as much as you miss her. I would leave her alone for now and let her be the one to contact you next. If she doesn't you will know that she doesn't miss the friendship.

 

She likes talking on the phone way more than me and I have a hard time both getting off the phone and fitting phone calls with her into my life (They can regularly be up to 3 hours). Whereas she has no job, I am really busy. I'm certain she doesn't find it boring talking on the phone because she will just screen until she feels like talking. If that makes me sound like a stalker, don't worry I'm not. I will call once and then just wait for her to return the call as much of what happens between us is on her terms. That's the power trip part.

 

I do think you have a point that on that particular day she just didn't care about what we were talking about and was really annoyed. I think she saw my talking about what was going on in my life as negative. We have always talked about everything good and bad so how was I to know all of sudden it was too much or bad on that day. It was pretty unfair of her though there is an openness between us where I know I was being more negative and open than I would let anyone else see. I honestly just wish she had done her screening thing. Think she was angry deep down because I hadn't been available to talk earlier in the week at the EXACT moment she was ready to share her good news story. She is very used to me dropping everything for her.

 

I don't miss her really right now. No desire at all to talk or be friends with someone who would do that to me (though I realize people make mistakes which is only real way I would be friends with her again). I was really hurt and am definitely reconsidering friendship with her altogether. How much we miss each other is probably about equal--though in the long run she will probably miss me more because I am the giver and she is the taker. I'm already used to her giving her part when and if she feels like it whereas she is not used to that from me. She's now moved into the next phase of being mean and immature which she did do the last falling out we had. I post just my normal stuff on social media today (haven't been on all week besides today) and all of sudden she will start posting quotes that are obviously meant to be directed at me (and out of character with her normal posts) and underlying meaning is mean towards me. So stupidly vindictive. I don't stoop to that level and just ignore her, log off and disappear but these tactics are the kinds of things that make me want to stop being her friend. I totally agree about leaving alone. Thanks for the reply and I didn't hurt my feelings. I asked for advice and perspective. I appreciate you taking the time to give :)

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