Friend seems to be looking for grudges

[Kaiten]

My friend seems like he is looking for grudges to hold against me. Almost like he is trying.

 

Friend seems to be looking for grudges to hold

 

I have a friend who I have been friends with for nearly 10 years, Eric.

 

I always suspected that Eric was an extremely sensitive person. But I never could figure it out, because at social gatherings Eric can be found making jokes on other people and making fun of them quite often.

 

Eric sent me some texts one day that seemed very out-of-the-blue. I had just moved to another state some 900 miles away, and one day I contacted him asking what he'd been up to. Eric said:

 

"I'm not going to waste my time explaining my life to someone who doesn't care enough to be part of it."

 

And then I asked, "why would I ask if I did not care?"

 

Eric's response: "I don't know. You have some manipulative plan you're working on. Sorry but I've learned not to trust you for the most part. You've lied about a million different through the years. Stop lying all the time. Stop trying to get attention through weasely moves. Just be a genuine person. Geez!"

 

So this is a blatant attack on my character. I eventually ended up moving back to where I was. I saw Eric again, and he totally acts like everything is cool, palling around with me like he didn't say any of that. I could see he was just going to ignore that, so a week later I pulled him to the side and finally asked him what that was all about.

 

Eric says, "Ok, you remember that time you called me and told me, 'Hey let's stop playing video games', and then you said just kidding, I wanted to see your reaction. That was a major breach of trust to me."

 

I totally get his what he's saying. What fires me up is that that happened in late 2010.

 

Eric continues, "Then there was that time that you told Lisa that I liked her. So now it's like, I can't even tell you when I like a girl because you might go off and tell her."

 

Again, I totally see his point here. And again, this was 4 years ago, when I was 19. Yes, I admit, I was not the most mature 19 year old in the world.

 

Lastly, Eric says, "And then when we hang out with everyone, you seem so hyperactive. Like over the top."

 

I don't really know what to say to that one. Actually, I would agree that I am hyperactive most of the time.

 

The issue I am having is that he says I've lied about a million things, and mostly that these things happened so long ago and he said nothing about them, now all of a sudden he wants to call me all sorts of things and then pretend he didn't say it when he sees me. If the best he can come up with is a time when we were 19 that I said "just kidding", I feel like he might be out of line on this one.

 

Even though I apologized, something just feels really strange about his explanation. He's still mad at me when we are 24 years old about something that happened when we were 19.

[CC12]

I feel like when friends call us out on our behavior, that's useful information for us to consider. Of course it's totally hurtful so you initially want to distance yourself from it as much as you can. But try to forget how offended you are, and give his words some thought. Do you still lie about things and pull weasely moves?

 

Because those examples he pulled up might just be the first things that came to his mind, or they were the most appropriate examples of the kind of your behavior that he was trying to talk to you about.

 

I know those things happened a long time ago but when you've wronged someone, you don't get to decide at what point they should be over things. He's not over it for whatever reason. If you've given a proper apology (have you?) and he continues to have friction with you, take a break from the friendship.

[anika99]

Eric's response: "I don't know. You have some manipulative plan you're working on. Sorry but I've learned not to trust you for the most part. You've lied about a million different through the years. Stop lying all the time. Stop trying to get attention through weasely moves. Just be a genuine person. Geez!"

 

 

Your friend made some mighty strong accusations there. He called you manipulative, untrustworthy, lying and weasely. Those are some nasty words and when you asked him to explain all he could come up with was that once you said something in jest and then said "just kidding" right away so he would know that you weren't being serious, and once you told a girl that your friend liked her, and that you are hyperactive. That just doesn't jive with the names he called you. Those things do not justify him accusing you of being such a terrible person. Unless there is more to this story and you have done worse things to him that you are not telling us, I'd say that your friend has a screw loose and I personally wouldn't want him for much more than a casual acquaintance.

[badpenny]

Or from a different PoV:

 

He kept his feelings to himself, and chose to not air them.

But he obviously harboured resentment, because he needed to vent.

 

Once he vented (and due to the great distance between you, and the 'impersonal' method of communication) he felt better, and put it all behind him, because he finally felt he had got his sentiments off his chest.

 

If you look at your post, you even admit he had a point on virtually all matters.

So the fact that he waited to vent, is immaterial; he felt slighted, and he's told you he did.

Age/immaturity may be a factor, fine, but now you've apologised, and he seems over it - move on.

Done, finished with.

Don't YOU start bearing grudges, now!

[Kaiten]

Unfortunately, because of Eric's ad hominem approach to bringing things to my attention, I do not see a way he and I could be friends after this.

 

Eric's argument sounds so: "I have been so patient with you, and you are still just a terrible person."

 

I need to be really clear in saying that Eric has done AT LEAST everything he is upset with me over and much more. I used to think that our friendship was deeper than this though.

 

I thought it was strange that he flipped his lid so suddenly. The only thing I haven't mentioned is two Facebook incidents that happened between us. In hindsight, I see that both embarrassed Eric, but neither time was that my intention. One time I actually offered to help, but it turned out he was just BSing everyone -- which is what I knew deep down. [but now I know that just because someone is wrong -- even completely wrong, they will take offense to you correcting them more often than not. Despite that, I am still not sure why he felt the need to mislead everyone. ]

 

Today, I felt the need to Google "how to tell if your friend is Jealous". Article after article, I find things that Eric has done through the years -- not once, not twice, but on a consistent basis. My memory was inundated with vivid and recent memories of Eric:

 

Downplaying my achievements,

Telling me how bad I was with girls and why she and I wouldnt ever work out,

Being quite condescending,

Backhanded Compliments (oh you won? It must have been not many competitors?)

 

And now, most recently, I am a liar partially because my personality seems "over the top" to him? Come on. I want to see Eric's perspective, but I need better than that.