Alienating others with food neuroses

[Standard-Fare]

I have a friend who's pretty neurotic and lately this has been targeted toward food, in the name of both healthy eating and allergies she claims.

 

Within the past couple of years, she's cut out all meat and dairy, and tries to eat organic as much as possible, and the least amount of sugar as possible. That's all fine by me, but then she's developed very picky, annoying preferences within this already narrow realm. She tends to only eat very specific products, usually expensive ones bought at Whole Foods.

 

This leads to social problems. Example: at a recent BBQ, someone went out of their way to buy her veggie burgers. But they "weren't the right brand," so my friend went hungry for the meal, making everyone feel bad. I also now find it unbearable to go out to eat with her, due to her inevitable issues with the menu (which she sometimes gets angry about) and/or ridiculous special orders.

 

Recently I also cringed while witnessing her having a conversation about the only types of milk she'll buy (she makes a stink out of preferring coconut milk). I saw everyone's faces going blank and some eyes rolled. She had no concept of how much she was alienating everyone.

 

To top it off, a few times I've witnessed her going completely against her principles and even "allergies," so this obviously a self-made web. For example, she went through a weird ice cream obsession at one point and both her dairy allergy and anti-sugar regime miraculously disappeared during that time.

 

Her pickiness and frankly elitism about food are annoying me so much that I don't want to be around her. I see other people getting just as fed up. Is this something I have the right to talk about with her, and if I did, how would I even approach this?

[preraph]

I doubt talking to her will work. But what you need to do yourself is NOT let her make you feel responsible for her food. If she starts obsessing about it while you're out to eat, immediately and without fanfare, change the subject. Her diet is her problem. I have a friend who is also very strict about what she eats, but she truly doesn't make it anyone else's problem, except maybe her kids', who she cooks for. Show her you're not interested by changing the subject or saying "I'm going to the ladies' room while you figure that out." Just don't give her the attention she's seeking for it. Don't apologize for her to the waiter. If she truly embarrasses you out at restaurants, stop going with her. I stopped taking a friend of mine to my favorite places because she was acting like an old lecher with the wait staff (she was an old stripper -- they just can't seem to stop seeking validation that they have boobs). Make your own boundaries and don't apologize for them.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I have to be honest I had a friend like that once. Yes, HAD. Her strict food requirements was just the tip of the iceberg. I don't think there was one thing that she didn't complain about.

 

From the chair in her office, to her health, to her family and friends...complain, whine, and repeat...about EVERYTHING. It was always a pity party.

 

I couldn't take it anymore and distanced myself from her and then cut off contact.

[Arieswoman]

Standard-Fare,

I'm sorry but your friend is IMO an obsessive nut-job. She sounds like she is just whiney and demanding.

 

She has the right to choose what she eats and ask for it. But other people have the right to not comply.

 

I belong to a vegetarian group where we have vegans, one person who has gluten allergy, and one who is allergic to soya. When we have a 'bring & share supper' we try and make sure that there is enough food so that everyone can at least have 3 different dishes.

 

I would just fade out of this girl's life because it sounds to me that she isn't being rational about her food choices, so you'd be wasting your breath talking to her.

 

Sorry, but you need to surround yourself with people that uplift you, not drag you down.

 

Good luck

[Anela]

I'm having trouble giving up foods that I need to stop eating, just for thirty days (as a start), so I have no problem believing that she could go through phases of craving certain foods, even if they do make her ill. (Although I have proof that I can't eat most things: I get sick).

 

I have to be prepared. I think about where I can get something to eat, in advance, like a health food store buffet area or restaurant (they usually have soup or chili). I make things in advance to take with me, at other times, and if I don't, then I have to go with what I have access to. I don't expect a bookstore cafe to serve what I need, and I don't expect other people to stock things just for me.

[Standard-Fare]

I was actually expecting to get attacked here by people defending my friend's right to craft her own diet. I feel validated to hear others agreeing that my friend is nuts.

 

There's obviously more to this girl than her food neuroses, including many things I like, but I've found myself just shutting down recently. I'm often the one bringing her to social events, and it embarrasses me to be affiliated with this difficult personality that can't be pleased.

 

There's a social dimension to meals/food, and there needs to be some effort to "going with the flow" as much as possible. I don't see her doing that. I see her standing out like a sore thumb.

 

But I truly don't think she realizes what she's doing or reflects upon it in any way. No one has ever told her, "Hey, you need to ease up here and go with the flow more." I think it would do her some good to hear that, but I don't know if I'm willing to be in charge of that.

[Anela]

Someone needs to ask her to make a list of things she can eat. I did that when I was panicking over what I can and can't eat right now, and finally came up with a list of things that I've made before, that would fit. You can make potato and pea curry, easily, with coconut milk instead of regular milk. You steam or boil four cups of potatoes, then add them to sauteed onions (spices added to the onions), then the milk. You steam the peas, as well, and add them in last. Simple things.

 

If she needs a particular brand of veggie burger, tell her to let the host know in advance, or to bring a box of them herself. If she has a dairy allergy, but isn't opposed to milk for other reasons, they now have lactose-free milk - I've seen two different brands in the stores, over the past two weeks. If she needs coconut milk, then have a can or box of it there for her, if she's a frequent visitor.

 

I don't like recommendations to just dump a friend. There isn't only a small population of people who are annoying - we all have our moments.

Edited March 24, 2015 by Anela

[Standard-Fare]

Someone needs to ask her to make a list of things she can eat. I did that when I was panicking over what I can and can't eat right now, and finally came up with a list of things that I've made before, that would fit. You can make potato and pea curry, easily, with coconut milk instead of regular milk. You steam or boil four cups of potatoes, then add them to sauteed onions (spices added to the onions), then the milk. You steam the peas, as well, and add them in last. Simple things.

 

If she needs a particular brand of veggie burger, tell her to let the host know in advance, or to bring a box of them herself. If she has a dairy allergy, but isn't opposed to milk for other reasons, they now have lactose-free milk - I've seen two different brands in the stores, over the past two weeks. If she needs coconut milk, then have a can or box of it there for her, if she's a frequent visitor.

 

I don't like recommendations to just dump a friend. There isn't only a small population of people who are annoying - we all have our moments.

 

I appreciate your thoughts but I'd also point out:

 

I don't think the host in any of these circumstances is responsible for accommodating her very picky and specialized diet. She should ALWAYS be obligated to bring her own stuff.

 

And she occasionally does do that. To me, though, that still comes off as a little needy and dramatic. She should be able to tolerate more than one brand of veggie burger. She should be able to drink soy milk instead of coconut milk if she has to. She should even be able to stomach normal milk every once in a while, since I've seen her eat ice cream when she pleases. Etc. etc.

 

I think the problem here is that things that are actually "preferences" have been elevated to "needs" in her mind. And that creates difficulties in a lot of social settings.

[preraph]

Over the decades, one thing I've noticed in friends who start getting fanatical about certain things is they are often doing it to make themselves feel better for ignoring the elephant in the room, whether it's their alcoholism or smoking or drugs or mental illness left unattended. They'll make a big show of fixing everything else.

[Anela]

I appreciate your thoughts but I'd also point out:

 

I don't think the host in any of these circumstances is responsible for accommodating her very picky and specialized diet. She should ALWAYS be obligated to bring her own stuff.

 

And she occasionally does do that. To me, though, that still comes off as a little needy and dramatic. She should be able to tolerate more than one brand of veggie burger. She should be able to drink soy milk instead of coconut milk if she has to. She should even be able to stomach normal milk every once in a while, since I've seen her eat ice cream when she pleases. Etc. etc.

 

I think the problem here is that things that are actually "preferences" have been elevated to "needs" in her mind. And that creates difficulties in a lot of social settings.

 

If she's invited to a function, and they know that she doesn't eat this or that, then it's on the host to provide for their guests.

Soy milk and coconut milk taste totally different, so it isn't always that easy to replace one for the other.

 

It isn't needy and dramatic to bring your own food - I have to at times, otherwise I will be throwing up for a long time after eating. Even foods that are usually okay for me, can be a problem at times.

Edited March 24, 2015 by Anela

[preraph]

^ I disagree with that. A host isn't obligated to have more than one menu for different guests. If someone knows they never serve whatever it is they require, they can bring it or just enjoy the evening sipping tea or whatever.

[Anela]

^ I disagree with that. A host isn't obligated to have more than one menu for different guests. If someone knows they never serve whatever it is they require, they can bring it or just enjoy the evening sipping tea or whatever.

 

She's supposed to be their friend. Nobody who knows me, would invite me to dinner, and then serve fish to everyone. I wouldn't do that to anybody.

[todreaminblue]

I appreciate your thoughts but I'd also point out:

 

I don't think the host in any of these circumstances is responsible for accommodating her very picky and specialized diet. She should ALWAYS be obligated to bring her own stuff.

 

And she occasionally does do that. To me, though, that still comes off as a little needy and dramatic. She should be able to tolerate more than one brand of veggie burger. She should be able to drink soy milk instead of coconut milk if she has to. She should even be able to stomach normal milk every once in a while, since I've seen her eat ice cream when she pleases. Etc. etc.

 

I think the problem here is that things that are actually "preferences" have been elevated to "needs" in her mind. And that creates difficulties in a lot of social settings.

 

 

I fully disagree here ...a hostesses or host's place in pure etiquette is to think about the people and take into consideration differences of diet requirements of her guests that she has invited......if you have a vegetarian guest you attempt to feed that guest as well as the meat guest for example...a good hostess or host is aware of allergies and requirements of the people they serve................deb

[xxoo]

Don't get into power struggles with anyone about food. Not your friend, not your spouse, not your kids. Her food is her issue and her choice. If, in fact, she has some sort of issue beyond actual food, it still isn't your place to battle her on that. It's food. Let her eat or not eat as she wishes.

 

I would make a reasonable effort to have something every guest can eat, but not bend over backwards to make sure every dish was consumable by each guest. I have a few food allergies of my own, and I'll mention them if asked, but I always add, "but don't change the menu for me". This is one good reason to do potlucks, because each guest can bring something they surely can eat.

[Standard-Fare]

Sure, as a host you plan around the big things like "X has a peanut allergy" and "X is a vegetarian," but you can't be expected to remember more minor preferences like "X prefers coconut milk to soy milk."

 

And as a guest, that's when you have go with the flow unless you have an allergy or other health problems associated with the food/drink.

So WHAT if soy milk has a very different flavor than coconut milk? Someone is providing for you, so you have to shut up and deal. Everyone in the room doesn't need to know you prefer coconut.

[Anela]

Sure, as a host you plan around the big things like "X has a peanut allergy" and "X is a vegetarian," but you can't be expected to remember more minor preferences like "X prefers coconut milk to soy milk."

 

And as a guest, that's when you have go with the flow unless you have an allergy or other health problems associated with the food/drink.

So WHAT if soy milk has a very different flavor than coconut milk? Someone is providing for you, so you have to shut up and deal. Everyone in the room doesn't need to know you prefer coconut.

 

So you don't want a solution (I suggested one). Nobody needs to know anything about another person. What do your friends talk about, that might bore her?

[Rejected Rosebud]

I think that some people who are preoccupied with talking about food are pretty boring but they would be just as boring if they were talking about their exercise regime or their kid's special school stuff, they are probably basically kind of self absorbed. I do find all the special food stuff going on now in America to be a little daunting, I had 2 friends from my past visit me to spend the weekend, I hadn't seen either of them for over 2 years. I had planned a meal that I knew they both liked a lot! But when they got here, I found out that they were both now gluten free, so there would be no pasta! And then I found out that one of them was completely off of ALL carbs, I mean no fruit or legumes or ANY carbs. The other one wanted carbs just no gluten. What a mess to try to have good meals for those girls!! I got some noodles that have no carbs or gluten and what a disaster! Like a glob of paste! More like GLUE than GLUten haha!

[xxoo]

I think there needs to be grace on both sides. Even my own mother can't remember what items I'm allergic to. She makes the same fancy pear salad every year from Christmas dinner, and is always surprised anew that I'm allergic to pears

[blackcat777]

Sometimes you just can't win with these people.

 

I was vegetarian, vegan, raw vegan, gluten free, but never a big weenie about it (not hard to ask for salad with a slice of lemon...). I had a roommate who was a hardcore militant vegan, drove around in a big SUV screaming, "ALL THE MEAT EATERS SHOULD DIE!" Some of my friends were cool, but some of them were totally rude to people who ate fruit bought from the grocery store, rather than harvesting it themselves (nevermind that every so often, these same people would order a pizza and go throw it up).

 

I eventually quit due to health complications from such a restrictive diet, and all of my "friends" from nearly a decade of the lifestyle shunned me. I received hate mail from total strangers, and people who were vegetarian for two weeks telling me that I needed to kill animals to feel good about myself. It was an endless influx of hatred... because I ate some humanely certified eggs. I deleted my Facebook and dropped off the face of the earth. My friend of many years forbid me from her house.

 

There is no arguing or reasoning with people who take dietary extremes with a puritanical zeal. There are legitimate allergies... and then there is an almost religious complex with food, and I'm referring to the people who blend being "more pure than everyone else" with their identity.

 

If it's someone you care about, I would focus on other aspects of the friendship, and accept the fact that she is probably not going to change or bend for anyone.

 

Some people are open to finding a solution. When I was eating restrictively, I always made something yummy that I could eat, but made enough to share with everyone at social gatherings. Other people have a bone to pick. Or a coconut to pick.

[Anela]

If coconut milk is the problem, do you want to stock a little bit, or listen to her complain?

 

I would take my own, but it seems like an easy solution to me. Ask her to bring a box or two of veggie burgers, to store at your place, if she's there often - or whomever it was who had the barbeque.

[SpiralOut]

There is no perfect way of bringing it up with her. No matter how you word it, it's going to put her into defensive mode. But if you don't say anything, she could end up alone and not know why. I would frame it along the lines of, please don't take this the wrong way, but at the last event we went to, so and so's feelings were hurt when you wouldn't try her food.

 

 

Or you could stop inviting her to events.

 

 

For a good friend I wouldn't mind keeping special items on hand to accommodate them, but there is a line to be drawn. If I felt they were not appreciating my efforts, I would not bother anymore.

Edited March 25, 2015 by SpiralOut

[preraph]

If coconut milk is the problem, do you want to stock a little bit, or listen to her complain?

 

I would take my own, but it seems like an easy solution to me. Ask her to bring a box or two of veggie burgers, to store at your place, if she's there often - or whomever it was who had the barbeque.

 

It's not anyone else's job to try to keep up with her special and changing food preferences but her own. So your idea about keeping veggie burgers and coconut milk on hand for someone who visits you, so does that mean the veggie/coconut milk friend is going to always keep barbecue brisket on hand and whole milk in case her non-veg friend drops by?