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Am I wrong? Female/male friendship


littlesister1234

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littlesister1234

So, I have this best friend. I'm female and he's male. He told me very early on that he was in love with me, and I told him both meanly and gently that I'm just not interested in him and never will be. I honestly can't see him as anything more than just a friend. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and he moved in on me again saying that he would be so much better than my boyfriend if I was his girlfriend. I again rejected his offer and then he started with the whole "I always get the joker card", "I'm the scapegoat for whatever", "No woman could ever really love me no matter how much I love her" nonsense. He would then start sending messages really early in the morning (I'm talking between 3-4 o'clock in the morning) talking about how wonderful I am and whatever. I got sick of that real fast too and told him to knock it off, that it was never going to happen, I don't have any romantic feelings for him. Then he started saying things like how everything would be better if he died and his life was crap after the above mentioned joker card, scapegoat, unrequited love nonsense. I couldn't listen to that either, so I ended my friendship. Then he says I'm a bad friend cause I'm not there for him in his time of need. Plus he said I led him on, after telling him numerous times (and proving it through saved text messages) that I was never interested and he should try finding another girl for a relationship. Am I wrong for ignoring him and ending the friendship? He brought up all the times he helped me, but I told him that just cause he helped me that was no excuse for me to force myself to love him.

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Nope. He was never your friend. He had a crush on you the whole time but was "hiding" as a friend in sheep's clothing. In essence he was lying to you & himself.

 

Let him drift away. If he's really interested in only being your friend he'll come back after he licks his wounded pride. If not you didn't need that type of disingenuous person in your life.

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He doesn't get the concept of boundaries, which you've made very clear to him, so no you're not wrong. I'd even go one further and tell him he's absolutely not to contact you in any way. If he's going so far as to try to manipulate you with threats of his future downfall and implying some sort of complicity with that on your part, he could be serious trouble for you. Wall him out now.

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Nope. He was never your friend. He had a crush on you the whole time but was "hiding" as a friend in sheep's clothing. In essence he was lying to you & himself.

 

Let him drift away. If he's really interested in only being your friend he'll come back after he licks his wounded pride. If not you didn't need that type of disingenuous person in your life.

 

I have a huge issue with this post.

 

Just because a guy really likes a girl it does not meant that he does not value her as a friend. That's bullsh*t. There are so many things wrong with that thought.

 

littlesister1234, you were right in ending the friendship. He is obviously not able to control his feelings for you and things were getting bad for the both of you. All you can do now is ignore him.

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Just because a guy really likes a girl it does not meant that he does not value her as a friend. That's bullsh*t. There are so many things wrong with that thought.

 

That's true. But we aren't talking about *a* guy. We are talking about THIS guy.

 

This guy has some pretty obvious issues, including believing that she was leading him on (or just telling her that as a manipulative ploy - neither is a good thing.)

 

I feel bad for the guy, but the OP doesn't have to stick around to have him continue to beg for her love.

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No, you're not wrong. He gave you no choice. He was not honest with you and led you into a false friendship that he knew he was never going to be satisified with and that whole time he was probably going home and using you for "inspiration," we'll just say. You told him no way and he had so little respect for you that he didn't give your decision on that any credence and decided to just brush what YOU want away in favor of what he wants. Then he gets pissed off AND tries to make you responsible for his mental weakness. So it was only a matter of time before he was holding you hostage with suicide threats, probably.

 

Cutting him off is the only rational option here. Him calling in the middle of the night was him checking up on you, which isn't cool. There's no telling how he may have discouraged other men from staying around you by acting like he was more than he was -- or if he hadn't yet, he was probably about to.

 

Block him from here to the moon and be sure he cannot see your business at all online and ask any friends or family to keep him out of the loop and just clam up when he tries to use them to get to you. He's not lovesick. He's just sick.

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littlesister1234

I have been getting text messages from random numbers I do not recognize saying about how my friend is really upset I'm ignoring him, how perfect he is for me, how they felt I led him on... I'm thinking of just having my number changed at this point. I don't know what I will do if he shows up at my house.

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whichwayisup
I have been getting text messages from random numbers I do not recognize saying about how my friend is really upset I'm ignoring him, how perfect he is for me, how they felt I led him on... I'm thinking of just having my number changed at this point. I don't know what I will do if he shows up at my house.

 

You saw him as your best friend but he saw you as 'girlfriend'. Because of this, his feelings were constantly in the way, he couldn't be platonic and objective, he invested in you romantically. He hurt himself by doing this, time and time again you told him you weren't interested in him but he refused to listen and still pushed it on you.

 

Time to change your number and IF he shows up, be kind but firm. Tell him you do care about him but him having feelings for you makes the friendship hard and you feel so much pressure. Wish him well and ask him to please respect your decision to walk away.

 

Oh and tell that friend to stay out of it, it's none of her/his business. That friend is the 'go between' person who will gossip and get involved, so not cool.

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So, I have this best friend. I'm female and he's male. He told me very early on that he was in love with me, and I told him both meanly and gently that I'm just not interested in him and never will be.

 

#1: How do you tell someone meanly AND gently?

 

#2: Your first mistake was thinking a guy who is in love with you, was your best friend. No he wasn't.

 

#3: You are not wrong for ending it, but man, next time something like this happens, do this in the BEGINNING.

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littlesister1234
#1: How do you tell someone meanly AND gently?

 

#2: Your first mistake was thinking a guy who is in love with you, was your best friend. No he wasn't.

 

#3: You are not wrong for ending it, but man, next time something like this happens, do this in the BEGINNING.

 

To answer, I told him gently in the beginning I wasn't interested, like "hey man, I appreciate you as a friend, but I am not interested or in love with you." Then when that didn't work, I was just a flat out female dog to him and told him I didn't want him.

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I have been getting text messages from random numbers I do not recognize saying about how my friend is really upset I'm ignoring him, how perfect he is for me, how they felt I led him on... I'm thinking of just having my number changed at this point. I don't know what I will do if he shows up at my house.

 

If he shows up, call the police and show him all those texts. Save everything. What a conniver!

 

And what an ego? How perfect they are for you! Despite that you aren't interested. I guess you get no say in who you date, according to his mindset.

 

Yes, definitely change your number. And if he's ever been with your phone long enough to put a tracker on it, change phones.

Edited by preraph
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So, I have this best friend. I'm female and he's male. He told me very early on that he was in love with me, and I told him both meanly and gently that I'm just not interested in him and never will be. I honestly can't see him as anything more than just a friend. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and he moved in on me again saying that he would be so much better than my boyfriend if I was his girlfriend. I again rejected his offer and then he started with the whole "I always get the joker card", "I'm the scapegoat for whatever", "No woman could ever really love me no matter how much I love her" nonsense. He would then start sending messages really early in the morning (I'm talking between 3-4 o'clock in the morning) talking about how wonderful I am and whatever. I got sick of that real fast too and told him to knock it off, that it was never going to happen, I don't have any romantic feelings for him. Then he started saying things like how everything would be better if he died and his life was crap after the above mentioned joker card, scapegoat, unrequited love nonsense. I couldn't listen to that either, so I ended my friendship. Then he says I'm a bad friend cause I'm not there for him in his time of need. Plus he said I led him on, after telling him numerous times (and proving it through saved text messages) that I was never interested and he should try finding another girl for a relationship. Am I wrong for ignoring him and ending the friendship? He brought up all the times he helped me, but I told him that just cause he helped me that was no excuse for me to force myself to love him.

 

Why is he your best friend? I'm curious. If he emotionally manipulates and harasses you, as described above, do you consider that characteristics for a 'best friend?"

 

Something doesn't add up to me about this because it takes two to tango, as the saying goes.

 

Why would he even think he had a chance with you, if you were with your boyfriend at the time? Or did this all take place after you broke up with your boyfriend.

 

 

I told him both meanly and gently that I'm just not interested in him and

never will be. I honestly can't see him as anything more than just a friend.

 

Something seems off about this.

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I have a huge issue with this post.

 

Just because a guy really likes a girl it does not meant that he does not value her as a friend. That's bullsh*t. There are so many things wrong with that thought.

 

While many men may have pure motives, the guy in the OP's post did not. he was there being her "friend" waiting for her to be single so he could make a move. She told him on multiple prior occasions that she only wanted platonic & by his actions, he said that was OK but now he's basically accusing her of using him. He was the one with the hidden agenda.

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While many men may have pure motives, the guy in the OP's post did not. he was there being her "friend" waiting for her to be single so he could make a move. She told him on multiple prior occasions that she only wanted platonic & by his actions, he said that was OK but now he's basically accusing her of using him. He was the one with the hidden agenda.

 

Hidden agenda? It seems like he told her a while ago that he was interested. No secret there.

 

Once a guy friend starts to show interest and the woman doesn't reciprocate, the best thing she can do is cut him out of her life right away. littlesister1234 simply waited too long.

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Hidden agenda? It seems like he told her a while ago that he was interested. No secret there.

 

Once a guy friend starts to show interest and the woman doesn't reciprocate, the best thing she can do is cut him out of her life right away. littlesister1234 simply waited too long.

 

No. It is not on US to cut guys out. She told him he wasn't interested and the onus of staying or leaving is then ON HIM. HE needs to decide whether he can deal with that or not.

 

This is NOT OP's fault, at all. Once she told him she appreciated his friendship but wasn't interested in him, he had a hidden agenda, clearly, as he wasn't happy being JUST friends.

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No. It is not on US to cut guys out. She told him he wasn't interested and the onus of staying or leaving is then ON HIM. HE needs to decide whether he can deal with that or not.

 

This is NOT OP's fault, at all. Once she told him she appreciated his friendship but wasn't interested in him, he had a hidden agenda, clearly, as he wasn't happy being JUST friends.

 

Of course the best thing to happen is for the guy to walk away after he gets rejected. But that obviously doesn't happen every time.

 

If a woman is a reasonable adult she will cut out the men from her life that express interest in her when she doesn't feel that way about them. It's ridiculous for a woman to stick her head in the sand and hope things change without doing anything.

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^ Well, she's done something now. She gave him a chance to act like an adult and handle his emotions to be friends and he didn't deliver on that, so he's outta here now. She did take action.

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Of course the best thing to happen is for the guy to walk away after he gets rejected. But that obviously doesn't happen every time.

 

If a woman is a reasonable adult she will cut out the men from her life that express interest in her when she doesn't feel that way about them. It's ridiculous for a woman to stick her head in the sand and hope things change without doing anything.

 

Well... no, she did do something. She told him repeatedly she wasn't interested. That IS doing something. Verbal communication IS a valid method.

 

And when he escalated his aggression she did cut him off. But honestly, I don't think we should be responsible for that.

 

I mean... I've had crushes and when it became clear they weren't interested, I either stepped away or dealt with it and never ever pursued it again. Why is it unreasonable to expect the same from a guy?

 

I've had to cut guys off that didn't take my NO at face value and it was always very unpleasant. Because they got really aggressive. And I ended up losing people I thought were my friends and would have liked to maintain in my life.

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Yeah she finally did something. And looking at her post she waited too long to do it. If she had cut him off much sooner it would have never gotten this bad.

 

Not everybody is able to walk away after they are rejected. That's just a fact of life. So when one sees that the person they rejected didn't accept their answer, that person has to do the hard thing and end the friendship.

 

Why even let things progress to the point where the guy gets aggressive?

 

I'm betting that several months had passed between the first time littlesister1234 rejected the guy and when she made this thread.

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SincereOnlineGuy
So, I have this best friend. I'm female and he's male. He told me very early on that he was in love with me, and I told him both meanly and gently that I'm just not interested in him and never will be. I honestly can't see him as anything more than just a friend. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and he moved in on me again saying that he would be so much better than my boyfriend if I was his girlfriend. I again rejected his offer and then he started with the whole "I always get the joker card", "I'm the scapegoat for whatever", "No woman could ever really love me no matter how much I love her" nonsense. He would then start sending messages really early in the morning (I'm talking between 3-4 o'clock in the morning) talking about how wonderful I am and whatever. I got sick of that real fast too and told him to knock it off, that it was never going to happen, I don't have any romantic feelings for him. Then he started saying things like how everything would be better if he died and his life was crap after the above mentioned joker card, scapegoat, unrequited love nonsense. I couldn't listen to that either, so I ended my friendship. Then he says I'm a bad friend cause I'm not there for him in his time of need. Plus he said I led him on, after telling him numerous times (and proving it through saved text messages) that I was never interested and he should try finding another girl for a relationship. Am I wrong for ignoring him and ending the friendship? He brought up all the times he helped me, but I told him that just cause he helped me that was no excuse for me to force myself to love him.

 

 

 

This never was a friendship in the traditional sense.

 

His only interest in you was his wanting to bang/romance you.

 

 

That's why he was there... the friendly factors were only the means to his 'end'.

 

IF you are certain that you never, never, never want to bang this guy... then just end whateveritisyouthinkthe friendship is.

 

 

"Men have zero interest in being mere friends with women they wouldn't rather be banging".

 

IF they did - you'd find them on Pinterest !!

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NO means no, but he took her splitting up from her bf as a yes.

 

He was wrong about that; it still meant no.

And whilst a man has the right to fight for a woman if he wants to, then this guy overdid it, wasn't listening to a word she said and is now creeping her out.

 

I guess he is pretty young and immature and he has idolized her for far too long. Waiting in the wings, fantasizing about her, longing for her and thus his grasp of reality was totally lacking.

That is his issue not hers, she made it clear.

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I just don't understand how the OP would consider him her 'best friend' based on what she's written about him (consistently poor boundaries and inappropriate behavior). That is why I don't think this situation is as one-sided as the OP makes it out to be.

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Could be it was a cuddle bitch scenario, but ultimately it's irrelevant. Even if she did send him mixed messages, her clear messages at the end were enough for him to be compelled to stop.

 

That's actually what concerns me. Most guys who come off this way do get the message eventually, hard as it is to accept, but he sounds a little crazy with the implied death warnings and all that.

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Could be it was a cuddle bitch scenario, but ultimately it's irrelevant. Even if she did send him mixed messages, her clear messages at the end were enough for him to be compelled to stop.

 

That's actually what concerns me. Most guys who come off this way do get the message eventually, hard as it is to accept, but he sounds a little crazy with the implied death warnings and all that.

 

It's hardly irrelevant. Anyone who considers a guy like that her 'best friend' has some serious boundary issues herself, or is really bad at choosing her friends.

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Yeah she finally did something. And looking at her post she waited too long to do it. If she had cut him off much sooner it would have never gotten this bad.

 

Not everybody is able to walk away after they are rejected. That's just a fact of life. So when one sees that the person they rejected didn't accept their answer, that person has to do the hard thing and end the friendship.

Why even let things progress to the point where the guy gets aggressive?

 

I'm betting that several months had passed between the first time littlesister1234 rejected the guy and when she made this thread.

 

The point is the guy should NEVER get aggressive!!! WTF?!?

 

She told him no. For all she knew, he could have taken it on board.

 

I mean... I have a friend who I know is into me and if I gave him the green light, he'd dump his gf and be with me. But that will never ever happen. He is aware of this. I value his friendship (though he isn't my best friend, nor do I spend too much time with him, to avoid confusing him as to what my intentions are).

 

He has never been aggressive nor do I expect him to be. Why would I cut him off just because he has a misguided attraction to me?

 

This is ALL on the guy. If he had behaved like a normal human being, she wouldn't have had to cut him off.

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