Expecting too much with friends?

[NeuroBeam]

Hello everyone, I’m NeuroBeam and I would like to ask for advice on some things I have been having trouble with. Thank you very much in advice for reading and or commenting on this thread. :3

 

I’m a senior in college and will soon graduating. I have ideas on what I want to do in the future such as draw a comic and work with children. Since I was little I had often felt alienated from my peers in school. I was often picked on, or made fun of, and I would often feel alone and sad. I made friends here and there, even a best friend or two, but slowly I stopped talking to them and vice versa. I would often think if it was my fault that I was talking to my friends even though I knew friendship is a two way street. My self confidence started to fade and I would feel jealous of people and their relationship with others. I really didn’t know what to do.

 

In highschool, I had a group of friends I would hang out with, but it felt that I couldn’t really connect with them. I would often feel excluded and would notice that my group would hang out with one another without me. I really began to self doubt and hate myself. In my senior of highschool I ended up having English class with a whole bunch of people that I barely liked or knew, and I felt completely alone. I felt terrible after class, and to make matters worst, I joined a bowling team that was consisted of cliques and groups. So in the end of my senior year, I felt alone and sad, and questioned whether or not I would have the same problem in college.

 

Fast forward to college and I joined an anime/video game club that made me feel like I was meeting my own kind of people. But as time went on and drama started to rise, I didn’t feel included and slowly started to participate less in the club. I felt annoyed, angry and sad, as I didn’t know exactly what I was doing wrong. I saw people in the club have their own group and clique, and I just look at myself and don’t understand why I was having problems. I would feel sad when my friends dont say hi to me or pay attention to me. And I would wonder if I would meet people who I can easily relate too.

 

I have friends in the school, and have been slowly making friends out of my club, but I do feel frustrated when things don’t work out. I have talked to a friend who told me that the problem isn’t the people, it is me. I have to believe that I can make friends, and believe that I can talk to people. But I don’t always believe in myself.

 

Just today I ended up crying because I thought a friend of mine didn’t say hi to me. The friend who I talked about my problems with helped resolved the situation and I felt better. But my friend mentioned that I think of the worst possible scenarios when it comes to friendships. I automatically think the person hates me or doesn’t value the friendship and I end up feeling depressed. I am seeing a therapist and I hope I can slowly start to feel better about myself.

 

I want to ask you guys how I should go about the way I feel about friends. I end up feeling sad and I want to stop myself from feeling this way. Especially when it comes to friends.I want to be happy with people and not stress worrying about whether or not we are close. I don’t want to have such a warped definition of what a friend is. To be honest, I feel I am living in the past and future instead of the present. I dont allow myself to feel comfortable in my relationships with people. I just…dont know what to do. Any advice? Thank you.

[preraph]

Your self-worth seems low and you seem to be expecting your friends to prop you up. But that has to come from working on yourself. Having friends makes you feel like, yes, I am lovable. And that would be fine if not having friends didn't make you feel you are nothing and you weren't always living in fear of rejection.

 

Friends cannot complete you. You have to be fun and friendly and interesting to keep friends. You can't be dependent on them to make you feel that way. You have to bring it.

 

You're still young, so maybe the more you accomplish out on your own, the better you will feel about yourself. Towards that end, you should branch out and not limit your interests to one area. You should take on activities and expand your interests. The more you master, the better you will feel about yourself. Try to be a well-rounded person. Keep up a little with topical news of the day so you can talk to people about general world and local happenings with ease. Become a reader and read a variety of books, not just comics or fantasy or sci-fi, but educate yourself by reading some nonfiction, some biographies from different eras, books on self-improvement, etc. Be sure you are doing something physical every day, whether it's riding a bike around campus or taking basic calisthentics to keep your body in shape and physical activity will destress you as well. If you feel you are at all shy, then take a course in debate or drama or speech to bring yourself to a place you can perform in public.

 

There are many things you can do in school to improve yourself and prepare to be accepted by more kinds of people. And these things will be of even more value when you enter the workplace and are forced to deal with many different types of people and not just your anime clique.

[jellybean89]

Keep working with your therapist.

 

it sounds like you have no self confidence and start to have anxiety and then become paranoid if these friends aren't giving you attention.

 

There is a saying...you have to BE a friend to have a friend. Reach out to others more; but don't expect them to drop their other friends and only focus on you. Also, try to change your attitude -- instead of being negative and angry...try to smile more and reach other to others. Maybe do some volunteer work - help other people.

[NeuroBeam]

Hi, thanks for replying to my thread. You're very right, that I shouldn't rely on friends to make me happy. I do feel like I do have self confidence, but not very much when it comes to people. I do expect quite a lot with friends and I end up feeling along when it comes to it. Its strange, but its something that happens a lot.

 

I am going to therapy for this, and I hope it helps. im also expanding my interests and trying new things. Im also been interested in going to meetups with people who have some of my interests. So thats something to do. It just sucks feeling like this, but I hope to get better. Thanks.