Making opposite sex friends without "hitting on them"

[Ethan78]

Some of my male friends have recommended I should get to know some women as friends as a way to have good interactions with women and increase my confidence. However, I generally feel like women are paranoid that guys are hitting on them whenever they are talked to.

 

I don't have facebook or any social media, so would have to try and exchange details which makes it more like an 'approach' to me. To be honest I am not sure women would consider me a good friend, but the first issue for me is how to get over the thing of even going up and talking without them thinking I am trying to chat them up.

 

I generally don't make much small talk with women as I see it as pretentious and a lot of the guys I see making small talk are pretending to be friendly so they can then chat the woman up.

[CarrieT]

I generally don't make much small talk with women as I see it as pretentious and a lot of the guys I see making small talk are pretending to be friendly so they can then chat the woman up.

Sorry to put this to you but as a woman, you are going to have to LEARN the small talk, regardless of how you see it in others.

 

Yep, "pretending to be friendly" is part of the game - but it is also part of being earnest and getting to know people. In that regard, consider it "walking-the-walk and talking-the-talk" or: Fake It Until You Make It.

 

You may have to do a lot of things that feel disingenuous for a while until you do it more naturally.

 

Most women are smart in that they know the difference between small that that is leading towards flirting and small talk from someone who is just friendly.

[Ethan78]

You may have to do a lot of things that feel disingenuous for a while until you do it more naturally.

 

Most women are smart in that they know the difference between small that that is leading towards flirting and small talk from someone who is just friendly.

 

It does feel disingenuous. The real problem is nervousness. When I feel anxious I don't feel friendly, and also sound nervous and run out of things to say quick. This is why I think any women will perceive I am hitting on them.

 

I suppose there is no way round it. I just have to talk when I feel like not talking at all. Ultimately I fear a woman will get annoyed just because I have talked to her, because she thinks I am hitting on her. I guess I have been to too many bars.

[preraph]

Something like that is easier to do in a work setting, I think. Then you have the excuse of working together to not get any more personal.

[devilish innocent]

One thing that makes a big difference for me in determining a guy's intentions is where I meet them. If a guy approached me at a club or on the street, I'd assume he was hitting on me. Because normally that's not how you'd start up a new friendship with someone. However, if it was some place where it was more natural to strike up a conversation with anyone, then I wouldn't think anything of it. Some examples of this would be: a work colleague who sits close to me or works in the same department, social hour after church, meetup.com events, clubs for people with the same interests. Those are all places where people talk to anyone so it wouldn't seem like a guy was singling me out because I was a cute.

 

I have social anxiety as well so I can relate to feeling nervous about talking to stranger. You just have to realize it happens to everyone sometimes and not care if it happens to you. The more you talk to people, the easier it gets. I'd actually suggest that you look at meetup.com or try to find other groups for people with shared interests. Then look for opportunities to talk to anyone regardless of age or gender. You might want to even start with guys or old women. Then it will seem more natural when you strike up conversations with girls. The other advantage is that when you meet people this way, you have something in common so it's more likely to end up developing into a relationship than when you someone at a club. Most of the conversations you start up this way won't lead to anything, but then sometimes a friendship just develops.

[Sugarkane]

In the past I've found it easier through friends of friends. Nothing ever happened more than that because I wasn't romantically attracted to male friends.

[Frank2thepoint]

I generally don't make much small talk with women as I see it as pretentious and a lot of the guys I see making small talk are pretending to be friendly so they can then chat the woman up.

 

It does feel disingenuous. The real problem is nervousness. When I feel anxious I don't feel friendly, and also sound nervous and run out of things to say quick. This is why I think any women will perceive I am hitting on them.

 

Making small talk with women is not pretentious. You have a very odd perception about a friendship existing between men and women. You sound like you lack a lot of confidence within yourself. There is nothing deceiving or harmful with having a quick conversation with a woman. It's just like having a conversation with a friend. You bring up a topic, you ask questions, you discuss. Whether that discussion lasts for a minute or ten, is moot, because you are just focusing on building a friendly rapport.

 

You don't need social media to make a female friend or three. You need to make in-person, face-to-face contact for that. Not sure if you go to school, work, or both, but school and work are a gold mine for quickly talking with a woman, making a few jokes, and departing when the conversation ends. Another good place is Meetup groups for the hobbies you like. For such events, you're there to enjoy the hobby, learn something new, share what you know, and make friends along the way. When you focus on not having an agenda, such as hitting on a woman, interacting with a woman becomes very simple.

[E-Squared]

I can say that I am friendly with this girl at the gym, but I am in no way interested in her. I won't deny that the fact that she is attractive, but I am not attracted to her. I say hi to her and make small talk and that is pretty much it.

[littleplanet]

Oh I just luv threads like this.

I could knit me a sweater and feel better.

 

At least half of the people in your world happen to be female.

That's a lot of females in your world. (unless you live in boy's town)

Females are also known to be fellow human beings.

 

This is getting to be more the case with each passing decade. More to the good.

Getting to know and understand them is a benefit all its own value.

They are known to have excellent qualities as friends...beyond the typical bilogically functional (or dysfunctional) mayhem that may result when one does NOT know and understand them.

 

It all starts (in the usual way) with the word, like.

A powerful word...often undervalued.

 

My romantic career started off nicely at the tender age of 16.

I did not make my first female friend until the age of 18.

Romance had nothing to do with it.

We are still friends (old habits die hard)

 

Small talk often belies small minds.

Chitchat is the ratatat knick nacks and paddy whacks of the peekaboo tiddleywinks desultory social noises that crowd out and turn the air bluer than a smokey blues bar found in West Memphis round about 1952. True

 

In other words, you're bound to get no more or less than what you're willing to pay for.

A little bit of human warmth often goes a long way.....longer than mere hot crotches in the moment.

Thinking with one's head works wonders (as opposed to other sundry body parts.)

 

Presenting yourself live and in person as just who and what you are can work wonders, too. Showing up as a mere avatar or otherwise medium-manipulated sorry collection of tweets, twits, blips and bytes is for the birds and other small bits of animal life.

 

Ahh.......humor is the sweet sustenance of life. Make a woman laugh and all is well in the world.

Some like clowns and buffoons, court jesters and mad artists, I suppose.

For all the rest, a merry quip upon the damp amber works like a charm.

How to do it?

Starts with a little practice.

Like learning how to balance on a bike.

Before you know it, speeding tickets follow you around like entranced cats.

 

But seriously....

Don't be too serious.

Stay calm, curious, courteous, controlled, relaxed, and above all - real.

 

This is not at all about how to meet women.

I leave that up to your own imagination.

It is about how to engage in social discourse with them.

I've been known to carry on long drawn dialogues with backyard skunks (explaining how and why it is they have to go....)

- kept the neighborhood kids howling for hours.

 

People are funny.

Women are funny, too.

That's how it works.

Thank heaven for that.

 

So is life a mere charade? Only if that is how you want it.

Otherwise, set your terms.

You may be well respected for it.

 

I'm always amazed at men who think that the female of the species is an alien visitor from another planet (Venus, for instance.)

However.....beyond the lipstick, curves and swerves, heels and squeals, fashion accessories and social conditionings - they have all remained much the same functional collection of sentient qualities and quantities.

Beyond the outer layers, you have known and recognized auto responses....awake, alive, alert, aware. Wonderful.

The lord love 'em!

 

I'm a guy when it suits my purpose (quite a fair bit of the time.)

But as a mere social animal, the herd I run with is well populated by both genders (and a few who swing around somewhere in the middle) and the perspective supplied by both far swings of the pendulum provide a nice balance for clear vision.

So don't get your shorts in a knot (spoils smooth movement.)

Apply a little sense of adventure. Nothing to lose, lots to gain.

 

Good luck!

[glycerine]

The following applies to when you're single:

• You can have female friends and you should, try to find classy girls -ladylike; someone you can have fun/deep conversations.
  
• You're not to hit on every girl. (Remember: as not all girls might be your type, you're not the type of everygirl, regardless of how good lokin' /fit you're)
  
• Actually your female friend might be on a relationship. In any case you'll see her more often when she's not.
  
• The approach should be: "Having a female friend allows both of you to do stuff couples do, but without the hassle of a relationship."
  
• If it's possible try to hang with a girl a couple years younger than you.
  
• Talk to her as you would talk to a male friend minus the gross stuff, and watch out how you talk about other girls,
  
• Sometimes you/she may need a plus one to a weeding or that type of stuff. Plus road trips with friends are a blast.
  
• It may improve your game. And you might end up seducing one another WITHOUT REALIZING IT, what comes from that it's great!!// What comes fom trying to be friends from the beginning in the hopes of having a romantic relatonship is THE FRIENDZONE. You should make your intentions clear from the beginning.
  

[imtooconfused]

the first issue for me is how to get over the thing of even going up and talking without them thinking I am trying to chat them up.

 

You appear to be afraid to make small talk because you don't want to appear to be pretentious and risk making a bad impression. You would feel this way because small talk is not natural to you. Rather than risk coming off wrong with women with whom you sincerely want to be friends, practice small talk with others whom you don't care about making a good impression. For example, practice small talk with a shop clerk, the morning barista, the person in the elevator, on the bus, or someone waiting to cross the street with you. It doesn't even have to be a woman. If you get used to opening the conversation, the fear should diminish, and you might actually make someone's day.

 

Also, there is a big difference between a casual conversation and trying to hit on someone. I am certain you know the difference and so do women. If they get annoyed by casual conversation, they are just easily annoyed and not worth your time.

[glycerine]

Also, there is a big difference between a casual conversation and trying to hit on someone. I am certain you know the difference and so do women. If they get annoyed by casual conversation, they are just easily annoyed and not worth your time.

 

The following might be selfish but I'm sure will help you with your problem:

When you meet a girl and you know right from the start you're not attracted to her, make yourself think of her as if you're related.

That way you won't feel the pressure of keeping conversation and you'll be developing conversation skill for when you really like somebody.

 

Also: Forget about akward silences, if you've made your point stop talking.