Is My Best Friend a Traitor?

[glamtran]

So I'm trying to figure out if I should try to reconcile with my former best friend, and if I was too harsh on her or if she's even worth keeping around.

 

She set me up with a friend of hers, and we really hit it off. Although about 1 month into it was his birthday and we all went to a strip club, her included. He had a bit of a past with these environments and long story short he did not one but several disrespectful things that night with some of the "workers" there. Guess they were "friends" of his. My friend was just as mad at him as I was, maybe even moreso.

 

Anyways, I tried to hang in there but decided I need to leave a few weeks later because of it. Is that unreasonable? Of course my friend heard and even though he was so wrong in this situation she offered him support and they remained fairly close friends. It bugged me a little but I do love my friend. We've traveled the world together physically and emotionally. And no, I don't think she likes in a dating context.

 

BUT, I did end up taking him back. So I can't really remain ticked at her right?? But I did, and she accused me of leading him on but apologized for it. So after a few more months I let him go again, and my resentment for her got worse. I don't know why because it wasn't always there. It came and went throughout this whole episode. I do feel betrayed, and would never associate with someone who hurt her like that. When I talked to her about it, she basically said I need to grow up and ended to conversation.

 

So, two months ago she moved away, had a going away party, and guess who wasn't invited? And guess who was? I never received her new phone number but guess who did?? I found this out through the grapevine this week and it devastated me and ruined my holidays. Karma perhaps?? I also heard her and my ex have kept in touch this whole time and she has even complemented him a few times, states he's not perfect but he is a "great guy" etc

 

Now that she moved 12 hours away, I wonder if I should get in touch, if she is in fact someone I can trust or rely on. I need her, but do I need her I'm this new context? Am I a hypocrite for taking him back? Either way I'm really hurting right now. Any suggestions would be great and I apologize if this was a bit long.

Edited December 26, 2014 by glamtran

[whichwayisup]

Of course my friend heard and even though he was so wrong in this situation she offered him support and they remained fairly close friends. It bugged me a little but I do love my friend. We've traveled the world together physically and emotionally. And no, I don't think she likes in a dating context.

 

She set you up with one her of male friends, so did you expect her to end her friendship with him once you broke up with him?

 

Jealously and maybe you feel a bit taken back that they are close. Maybe they were always close but you didn't know how good a friends they've been before you and him got together.

 

If you want her back in your life, you need to let go of the past pain and jealously/hurt. Move forward and let it go.

[glamtran]

I didn't really expect it but I just don't get why someone would want to associate with another who messes with their friends and wrongs them. I wouldn't. That's bad character and don't want my friend to be like that as well. Is she?

 

I do want to move forward with her but how exactly do I let this all go? It's consumed me for months and this recent news about this party kind of set everything back.

[aggie382]

It's confusing, as it was your choice to take him back more than once, and she believed you were leading him on, which points to you hurting him, not the other way around, yet you say he hurt you.

 

From the sound of it, it sounds like she has loyalties to both of you. I don't think it's fair of you to be so ticked at her, or considering reconciling with her. It sounds like you're the one in the wrong here.

[hoping2heal]

What did he specifically do to "mess with you" ? I guess that is what is missing here.

 

In both cases you dumped the guy. What did he do?

[whichwayisup]

What did he specifically do to "mess with you" ? I guess that is what is missing here.

 

In both cases you dumped the guy. What did he do?

 

He had a bit of a past with these environments and long story short he did not one but several disrespectful things that night with some of the "workers" there. Guess they were "friends" of his.

 

This seems to be the cause of it all, something obviously happened at the strip club and his behaviour.

[Sugarkane]

Does she fancy him for herself? She sounds like a super crap friend, if she chose this super sleazy guy over you.

[anne1707]

She was friends with him before she introduced you to him and from the sounds of it she just tried to maintain both friendships after you split up. However you as good as told her that was no longer possible and forced her to choose. A good friend does not force their friend to make choices like that.

[d0nnivain]

I don't know that she is a traitor but she did choose to cut you out of her life. What do you gain by chasing after her?

[preraph]

Since you did take him back, it sort of validates her feeling you two were appropriate for each other and that what he did was not so far out of your tolerance. So being mad at her for being as tolerant as you and hoping for her to bounce him when you didn't even bounce him is very crazy on the one hand.

 

On the other hand, what's crazier is keeping people who frequent strip clubs around at all. Sounds like you could use a new group of friends with higher standards.

[Sugarkane]

Why do women take sides with players/ cheaters over another women? Please enlighten me.

[hoping2heal]

This seems to be the cause of it all, something obviously happened at the strip club and his behaviour.

 

Okay, the strip club is why she dumped him once. But, she took him back after that. That is what I am trying to figure out. She seems to feel he did something so abhorrent (and maybe he did - what I am trying to understand precisely) that she feels if the friend was any kind of friend, she would cut off the relationship she has with this guy(friend).

[KatZee]

I didn't really expect it but I just don't get why someone would want to associate with another who messes with their friends and wrongs them. I wouldn't. That's bad character and don't want my friend to be like that as well. Is she?

 

I do want to move forward with her but how exactly do I let this all go? It's consumed me for months and this recent news about this party kind of set everything back.

 

They were friends before you were even introduced to him. To think that she would dump him as a friend just because he wronged you isn't her obligation to you.

 

Is it crappy that he screwed you over? Yep. But you're also a big girl. He wronged you and instead of having any self respect, you took him back.

 

He may be a crappy bf to you, but he may very well be an amazing friend to her. I agree with her, grow up. If this was some random person you met at the same time, and there was no history between anyone, I get it. You take your friend's side. But they have a history. They were friends. She's not going to suddenly NOT be his friend because he was disrespectful to you.

 

Obviously he's screwed you over a few times. So no. Don't take him back. Why would you? He's not a good boyfriend to you.

[Sugarkane]

This is what I don't like about women. They'll happily side with some douchbag and instead of their own gender.

[hoping2heal]

This is what I don't like about women. They'll happily side with some douchbag and instead of their own gender.

 

 

I don't really see this as the friend siding with the guy at all. To be fair, we still do not have any idea of why they broke up. There are no details. At this point OP quit dating the guy and expected her friend (who had been friends with this guy seperately from her friendship with OP) to drop him just because OP dumped him. Then she cut and bailed on her friend, feeling betrayed.

 

Sounds like the friend was trying to remain neutral and be a friend to both parties, seeing as how she was friends with each of them independent of the either before OP began dating this guy.

[darkmoon]

that traitor is just some1 you do not approve of, stay sociable or bail

Edited December 28, 2014 by darkmoon

[glamtran]

Thanks for the feedback all, we broke up because that night at the club he pretty much ignored me and was swooning over the dancers at the bar. Even gave some of them a lot of cash for a dance. I tired to get over it but after a while I decided I couldn't. So I left. That's when she offered him support. A little while later, HE contacted me and we made up. We were all one social circle again Until one day I was at at his house and he was emailing one of the girls from the club on FB in front of me while we were on the couch. Then about three weeks later it was my birthday and he hardly acknowledged it, even though he made it clear that he wanted me to himself. So I said screw it. Then my resentment towards my best friend started again, and she's inviting him to parties apparently.

 

Please keep the feedback coming now that you have this info!! Does it change any of what was already said??

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for the feedback all, we broke up because that night at the club he pretty much ignored me and was swooning over the dancers at the bar. Even gave some of them a lot of cash for a dance. I tired to get over it but after a while I decided I couldn't. So I left. That's when she offered him support. A little while later, HE contacted me and we made up. We were all one social circle again Until one day I was at at his house and he was emailing one of the girls from the club on FB in front of me while we were on the couch. Then about three weeks later it was my birthday and he hardly acknowledged it, even though he made it clear that he wanted me to himself. So I said screw it. Then my resentment towards my best friend started again, and she's inviting him to parties apparently.

 

Please keep the feedback coming now that you have this info!! Does it change any of what was already said??

 

Sorry but I don't see that as a reason to be upset as you were/are and let it linger on and on and on. I was expecting something a hell of a lot worse.

 

Your jealously of their friendship or expectation that you hoped she'd not hang out with him as much because of how mad you were at him, is why you feel betrayed by her. She's done nothing wrong. You're mad at him and taking it out on her, the one who knew him first and the one who set you up with him.

[whichwayisup]

We were all one social circle again Until one day I was at at his house and he was emailing one of the girls from the club on FB in front of me while we were on the couch. Then about three weeks later it was my birthday and he hardly acknowledged it, even though he made it clear that he wanted me to himself. So I said screw it. Then my resentment towards my best friend started again, and she's inviting him to parties apparently.

 

What did the emails say? Did you read them?

 

So he ignored your birthday? No gift? Or said hbd and no gift, no fuss...

 

Again, he's the issue here, not your best friend. She has a separate friendship with him that has nothing to do with you so you need to stop being resentful towards her.

[hoping2heal]

Thanks for the feedback all, we broke up because that night at the club he pretty much ignored me and was swooning over the dancers at the bar. Even gave some of them a lot of cash for a dance. I tired to get over it but after a while I decided I couldn't. So I left. That's when she offered him support. A little while later, HE contacted me and we made up. We were all one social circle again Until one day I was at at his house and he was emailing one of the girls from the club on FB in front of me while we were on the couch. Then about three weeks later it was my birthday and he hardly acknowledged it, even though he made it clear that he wanted me to himself. So I said screw it. Then my resentment towards my best friend started again, and she's inviting him to parties apparently.

 

Please keep the feedback coming now that you have this info!! Does it change any of what was already said??

 

Okay, thank you for clarifying everything. I think you owe your friend an apology. She was friends with the guy separate from you and while he was a little bit of a bonehead, it doesn't sound like he did anything super obscene either. While it is perfectly fine that you decided his behavior is not something you can personally tolerate in a relationship, i don't really see him as screwing you over or doing anything so bad the girl should drop her friendship with him.

 

The two of you didn't work out, you don't approve of his behavior (Again, that is fine) but it is pretty unfair of you to treat your friend like she is some kind of traitor just because she didn't discontinue her friendship with someone she had history with independent of you. Just because you're unhappy with him does not mean she has to be or else she's betraying you.

 

I'm sorry, but I think the person being unfair here is you.

[Sugarkane]

The best friend has taken sides. Shes invited and given the douchbag her new number. While excluding and cutting off the OP.

I don't really see this as the friend siding with the guy at all. To be fair, we still do not have any idea of why they broke up. There are no details. At this point OP quit dating the guy and expected her friend (who had been friends with this guy seperately from her friendship with OP) to drop him just because OP dumped him. Then she cut and bailed on her friend, feeling betrayed.

 

Sounds like the friend was trying to remain neutral and be a friend to both parties, seeing as how she was friends with each of them independent of the either before OP began dating this guy.

[anne1707]

The best friend has taken sides. Shes invited and given the douchbag her new number. While excluding and cutting off the OP.

 

The best friend has taken a side because the OP forced her to do this. The OP wanted her friend to make this decision but it backfired on her. All that has happened to the OP is what she wanted to happen to someone else. The best friend was also friends with the guy before all this started. Why should she be made to abandon long standing friendships on demand?

[Sugarkane]

Ok but why should this girl keep a long standing friendship just for the sake of being friends a long time? when he treats women badly.

The best friend has taken a side because the OP forced her to do this. The OP wanted her friend to make this decision but it backfired on her. All that has happened to the OP is what she wanted to happen to someone else. The best friend was also friends with the guy before all this started. Why should she be made to abandon long standing friendships on demand?

[hoping2heal]

The best friend has taken sides. Shes invited and given the douchbag her new number. While excluding and cutting off the OP.

 

Oh that is not even the whole story. The best friend was already friends with what you call "the douchebag" and she is the one who set the two of them up. When OP decided she did not want to date him any longer, she expected the best friend to end her friendship with this person and expressed her feelings of betrayal. They had a falling out over this - the best friend has always been friends with the guy. It's not a matter of best friend suddenly being chums with the guy over her best friend. I'm sure OP's friend learned a lesson here about not setting up her friends with one another as there could arise in instance in which she will be caught in the middle with someone insisting she choose sides.

[hoping2heal]

Ok but why should this girl keep a long standing friendship just for the sake of being friends a long time? when he treats women badly.

 

I can only assume there is more to the guy than that or the friend wouldn't think he was a "great guy". Also, he sounds like he is immature with his girlfriends but I wouldn't say necessarily treating them badly either. I mean, the guy is friends with strippers and that is where they were headed so while it is perfectly understandable why a woman wouldn't even want to get involved with a guy who does those things - its not like ever tried to hide or be sneaky about who he is - either. It also sounds like they were not together very long either or very serious.