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How can I fix this friendship?

Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 30th November 2014, 1:50 AM   #1
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 30
Unhappy How can I fix this friendship?

I've been friends with this girl for 7 years - we met freshman year of high school. Now we both go to the same college together, though we live on different campuses, so we see each other every now and then. But I'm starting to realize that she hasn't really been a good friend - I'm not saying she has to be perfect, but just some things rub me the wrong way... I'll list them instead of writing an "essay" lol:

1. My grandma was sick all summer long. In August, we went to NYC for her birthday. On our way back home, I decided to tell her about my grandma. Randomly in the middle of me talking, she decides to point out how pretty the skyline looked and then starts trying to take a picture of it... now if I were talking about something less serious, I wouldn't mind. But it felt like a slap in the face. On top of that, we've both been to NYC plenty of times (I have family in NY, she went to high school in NYC). So it wasn't something new...

2. My grandma passed away in the beginning of October... I had went into a deep depression and had to go to counselling. She did not know the news until the end of October, and all what she said was "aw I'm sorry to hear that", whereas all of my other friends had told me that they're here for me if I need them. BUT last week I had went over to her apartment just to hang out, and I brought up my grandmother again, and she goes "wait, what happened to your grandma? Is she okay..?" I just looked at her and said "um, she passed away..." and she goes "WAIT WHAT, when..?" Like she had forgot...

4. She hardly answers her phones when I actually need her. For an example, one of my "friends" had did something terrible to me to the point where I had gotten so angry I started crying... I tried calling her, but she didn't respond. She did not get back to me until two days after.

5. Also, when I try to text her plans, she doesn't respond, but when she wants to do something she forces me to come with her. For an example, on Tuesday night I texted her saying that a group of us are going to see Mockingjay on Friday night and can she make it - she never responded until Friday night at 7pm, asking if we're still going. Last month I told her about a party on a Friday night - she did not respond back. That same Friday we went out for dinner along with a friend and she was saying how she wanted to drink that night and go out - I told her about the party and she goes "oh yea! I saw that text, we should've gone!"

5. This one is more minor, but I've realized she hangs out more with others than she does with me. They're plenty of events that I've been dying to go to, and then later on I'd find out that she went with another group of people. Even one time I originally didn't have anyone to go with to a football game, and she tells "well sorry, I'm going with another group of people". I'm not trying to be clingy, I'm just used to going to events with my best friends, especially back in high school - I would make sure to ask everyone to go together as a group just so no one feels left out. But she goes to concerts and football games and all this other stuff with other people, and never invites me with her. Sometimes I feel as though I'm just a "convenience" to her - if no one else is available, then invite me. Like most of the events she invites me to are just to support her singing.

I plan on talking to her about this once we get back to school (we're on Thanksgiving break) because I have no idea why she's acting this way. I also know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I think her lack of communication is the reason for all of this. But how do I fix this before it gets worst?
angelsface200 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st December 2014, 3:21 PM   #2
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 33
hi, it sounds like you are very sad about your friendship. you are both at an amazing time of your lives. you are becoming adults and finding your way in the adult world.

it is very common for friends to go to college and seem to become different people. or they develop different interests and new friends.

when you tell a friend something very personal and emotional, and they aren't picking up on your pain, it is a warning sign. you can't change your friend, but you can change yourself and your friendship.

before you have a conversation with her, check yourself. are you willing to accept her 'new ' self? will you still love her no matter what she does? and other questions like this. then you can be clear what you expect or want from the relationship.

when you do talk to her, be honest about how much you value her as a friend. ask her if you have done anything to hurt their friendship, before you launch into your side of things.

in the end, we have to love our friends for who they are, even if they are sometimes insensitive.
JChristie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st December 2014, 3:42 PM   #3
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Oz
Posts: 1,673
First, sorry about your grandmother's passing.

Regarding your friend - she very well may be someone who is self-absorbed at the moment. Like you, she's starting college and this is a huge transition time for you both. I understand she has hurt you by what seems to be insensitive, unsympathetic behavior.

It's perfectly acceptable to tell her she hurt your feelings by not being more present in your life - especially when you needed her. I would strongly advise you against listing out your ideas of her "wrong doings' and that you are "not alone" in feeling this way about her. If you do, she is likely to "become defensive and not hear a word you are saying. You don't want to come across as attacking her, rather simply asking if everything is okay between the two of you and if there's a reason other than her being busy for her lack of consideration to your gram's death.

Also, bear in mind that not everyone deals with death the same way. Could it be it's an uncomfortable conversation for her?

If after your chat, you feel like she's still not able to be emotional support to you, decide it the friendship is worth it still.

Check your own neediness of her and your jealousy. I think there might be a tad of both on your end.

Good luck.
Rainbowlove is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st December 2014, 3:54 PM   #4
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 28,514
I too am sorry about your grandmother.

Some people can't handle death & they have no idea how to comfort grieving friends.

I can't explain why she is otherwise pulling away but some friendships ebb & flow.

I think talking to her in person is a good idea but you have to chose your words diplomatically. If you accuse her of causing this she will deny it & you will get no where.

Instead, tell her you miss her & ask if anything is going on with her that has changed her feelings toward you. Make it about you helping her.

If she still doesn't respond or change back to the way things were, you may simply have to let her go.
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