Friendly or Rude?

[Tailor2000]

I was on here previously talking about someone I couldn't read. They went from being a friend (more of a good acquaintance who was chatty, supportive, helpful - good friend potential), to being someone who seemed to be a bit flirty, to being completely avoidant! She used to stalk me on Facebook now she doesn't give me the time of day! I hoped she was being flirty previously because the feeling would have been mutual. I wouldn't have acted on it because she is married. I still say it is good to be adults and to KNOW the intent and draw the line as necessary.

 

I hate inconsistency, it makes me doubt myself. The avoidance was getting to me so I asked her about it. Thankfully, it was a misunderstanding, she said her mind was elsewhere and was really busy and so the relationship repaired and for a few months, she was back to her usual charming pleasant self. But old feelings stirred again because she is being inconsistent again.

 

Im still WTF! What the hell is going on? She ignores me on Facebook, hardly sees me in person any more, but when she does, she's really friendly for a few minutes, then ignores me again. She has got in touch with me once or twice, I've responded, and she's followed up with barely a one word answer. I sent her a heart felt congratulations for something she achieved and she replied with a "thanks" only. The help she promised me on a project didn't materialise. She has mentioned it three times since I first asked her nearly a year ago, brought it up herself, but then never commits. I've tried to be friendly, we've had some good chats, but little follow up and back to square one. She's asked for my help, I've helped her. I've tried to be genuine and ask about something in her life showing genuine interest asking her to let me know how she gets on, but then I get no feedback. I figured Im not going to make a nuisance of myself by asking again, it seemed like too much trouble for her to respond the first time, Im not going to ask again.

 

She's a very hot and cold kind of friend. Just when I think there's no friendship at all, no potential and I really can't be bothered, she gets in touch with something unexpected and appreciated. She got in touch the other day to ask if I was OK because I've been unwell. She's given me a friendly kiss on the cheek and asked me to dance at a recent social. But now she'll spend the next couple of months pretending I don't exist, being totally distant, flippant and blaze.

 

I don't know what to make of it and I don't know how to respond to it. Is she being friendly or rude? Probably both. A rude ignorant person doesn't want to find out how you are, but a friendly person doesn't really ignore you? Right? I really don't want to invest any time in a friendship where the other person can't be bothered and has more time for everyone else. But I don't really want to be rude back either. Maybe more aloof.

 

Thoughts?

[cerridwen]

I really don't want to invest any time in a friendship where the other person can't be bothered and has more time for everyone else.

 

And here's what it boils down to. ^^

 

She can't meet your expectations for a friendship (which aren't unreasonable, by the way), so cut her loose.

This is what you seem to be saying here.

There's nothing wrong with it, just pointing out that you know what you want--and what you don't.

 

If you do keep the friendship, lower your expectations about how close you'll be ;

what her interest will look like; how she expresses concern; her reliability;

and accept this is who she is.

 

Some people are flaky friends, or want to maintain an emotional distance.

But your styles don't jibe so

you don't HAVE to keep her, but if you do, know her pattern so you're not thrown by the on-off.

Edited October 5, 2014 by cerridwen

[Tailor2000]

Thanks for the reply. I guess this is sort of the problem. Everytime I lower my expectations, she does some unexpected wonderful friendly gesture making me look and like the bad guy because I've backed off and Im left thinking maybe I've got it wrong.. So then I start giving more and slowly raise my expectations thinking that they'll be reciprocated and the friendship is moving on but then she backs off.

 

I get the sense she's only interested in friendship when there's a problem.

 

I have to see this person at least once a week. I have been hurt over her broken promise and I don't particularly want to get hurt by a flaky person either by me looking like a rude bad guy or by me expecting more than she can give.

 

It feels like she is calling the shots and I think I want a bit more control over the situation - say defriending on Facebook, or tell her to forget the help she offered me and say no to her when she wants something! But that would just cause problems. An apology from her over the promise wouldn't go amiss.

 

I think I've got to get used to what's happening and get temperered a bit more. It has left a sour taste in myself and it's difficult for me because Im not rude and I don't play games. Im very genuine. Everyone around them thinks they're really wonderful but I get the impression she's a big phony. This is difficult too, it's like I've found a dirty secret no one else will believe so I've got to act in one way while believing something else.

 

I need to somehow let go of the broken promise, I was going to say I also need to become more "friendly/polite", but I think I need to let go of the hidden hate/hurt/disappointment. Not quite sure what it is at the moment.