glamtran Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 So I don't really know where to post this as this has to do with my bestie, and the boyfriend I just broke up with, but also with coping, second chances, etc. so please forgive any mistakes. Basically last winter my best friend set me up with her roommates brother and we really hit it off. Throughout the course of the relationship we had so much fun and really connected on so many levels. Same age, interests, position in life, etc. However, he frequented strip clubs a LOT before we met and I was warned about him. My friend did say now that he has a gf he could change. But, let's just say t didn't stop him. On his birthday for example, I had to sit there and watch while one of the "dancers" sat on his lap for like two hours, and he also got a double lap dance in one of the private rooms. I was very hurt. And my friend saw all this too since she was also invited. I tried to get over it but after a few weeks I bailed. But after a few weeks he contacted me apologized and I gave him another shot. I really don't feel he's changed, and I wasn't able to get over it, and when my birthday came around he hardly acknowledged it and gave me a $25 dollar gift, when the strippers could easily get a $500 night. So about a month ago I finally pulled the plug for good. Thing is, this last month has been awful. I'm struggling because: -My bestie is still friends with him and has even offered support, even though what he did was very disrespectful and hurtful and she SAW some of it! I feel very betrayed and I know she'd feel the same way if in my shoes. She should be on my side. I've known her longer and we've always been very close. He has a very close family who all support him which I also resent and so he doesn't need her like I do. -she is moving to another province in two months to start over, and wants me to come with. I want to cause I love her but I don't think I can start fresh with just her if I have this resentment. But I have to decide soon. We'd be living together. I'm disappointed in her and I can't see why she'd want to salvage a friendship with him. -I regret not bailing the night of his birthday and never looking back. What he did was pretty bad, even though he doesn't have a lot of relationship experience, and we weren't together very long at this point. I just think we were perfect together in so many other ways I wish things were different. And he made better choices. I stupidly miss him, even though he crossed a line with me. I feel like an idiot and like others might agree because I took him back. Thank you for reading. Any insight or observations would be amazing as this is eating me up 24/7. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 I'm so sorry you're going through this. He was just awful and if you'd let him do that in front of you without leaving, you'd have been putting up with that and worse the rest of your life. It's an awful waste of money that if you'd settled down with him, would be a huge issue. Going into the back room for a private session is the equivalent of having sex with you in the next room. Bad enough he had this sex worker on his lap for two hours in front of you, but then taking off for the back room to finish off, uh, completely out of bounds. There's no coming back from that. I agree your friend ought to be more supportive of you. I'd like to ask if when she introduced you to him, did she have a boyfriend at that time? Why wasn't she dating him herself, in other words, and could it be that now she's unattached and might be interested in him? If so, by all means tell her she can have him but don't go off and roommate with her and don't let her bend your ear about him. If it's not that, then she's just trying to pacify everyone and honestly I wouldn't confide anything in her because she may pass it along to him. Just clam up about anything personal about him or any other men with her. You have to have this talk with her. You have to tell her that you were really hurt in this deal and that while you don't expect her to break ties with him, you expected more than supporting him on it and sympathizing with him when he was so egregiously in the wrong here. It's not a good time to go moving in with her. But you should continue to make plans to do what you were going to do without her and not let this stall you out. Advertise for a roommate if you have to. Roommates.com is a place to start. Or just get a really cheap place and don't have a roommate. Honestly, some roommates cost you more than they save you anyway. You're likely to hear a lot of people on her saying it means nothing to do all this with strippers, but quite aside from the disrespect it shows you, total waste of money, and shallowness of it, there's the sex workers themselves who mostly came from some kind of sexual or other abuse. Most research indicates around 85 percent had detectable abuse. Women who do anything to condone that by trying to act cool so they don't have to confront their men about it are just enabling it and perpetuating the cycle and those who stay with them are just raising their children in an environment devoid of boundaries and sending the wrong message to their sons and daughters about using people like toys. And that's the best-case scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
Author glamtran Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 Thank you for your words and comfort. She did not have a bf at this time but she is 10 years older than us and I have to say I really don't think there is anything between them and never will be. My concern is why she has to be friends with him still, and offered him an ear when she really didn't need to. He didn't deserve that. She was mad that night at him too but now it seems like it doesn't matter to anyone except me. And to clarify, she is moving to another city in two months and wants me to come with and be her roomie. I currently live alone and prefer that. I don't need a roommate right now but if i do go with her and move 10 ten hours away only then we'd live together. But I feel so much resentment to her and him still. Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 She should be on my side. I think it's really tricky to expect this kind of loyalty from a friend. I think wanting people to pick sides in your personal affairs is typically the wrong way to go. Think of it from your friend's side. She had a friendly relationship with your ex before you ever dated him, and she continues to live with his brother and it sounds like they socialize with the same circles. I think she would be in an awkward position if she was openly cold to him, so it's probably just easier for her to remain friendly with the people she lives with and the people they associate with. -My bestie is still friends with him and has even offered support, even though what he did was very disrespectful and hurtful and she SAW some of it! I feel very betrayed and I know she'd feel the same way if in my shoes. You SAW it, too, though. You chose to try getting over it, and that's what she did, too. You forgave him. You never did get over it, but you can't expect her to follow you blindly whenever you change your mind. It's only natural to try to find fault or assign blame when things go badly. I think you have unreasonable expectations of your friend, though. Your friendship with her should be completely separate from whatever happened with your ex. Try to cut her some slack. She's in a tough position. I hope you can get over your resentment. But don't move in with her. You don't need a roommate and you prefer to live by yourself. That's reason enough. But another big reason is that many, many friendships don't survive the roommate experience. I don't see this going well unless you can completely get over this long before you move in with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author glamtran Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 Well I just feel like I would've been a lot more loyal if my good friends got hurt by a man, especially when the guy involved did such an obvious and humiliating screw up. I did confront her about this since my OP and she basically said I need to grow up and that she was more on my side. Thing is, she shouldn't have been anywhere on his side at all, ever. So I feel she's full of it but wouldn't talk about it anymore. I feel like my stupidity in sticking around has now cost me two people in the last few months. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Sorry you got such a stupid response from your friend. She's just very fickle, not going to be friend to rely on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author glamtran Posted October 10, 2014 Author Share Posted October 10, 2014 Looking back, may I be hypocritical in that I took him back after she offered him support, and still resented her? I still was still hurt before I decided I would give him another shot, so I try not to put too much weight on that part of this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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