Zzyxx Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Long story short. My ex gf of 2.5 years broke up with me a month ago and is kicking me out of our apartment. I moved to a foreign country to be with her, where I still live and want to stay because economic and life conditions are better here. The problem is the few decent/good friends I made here were mutual friends that I met through her. They will still be my friends but they pretty much pretend that the breakup never happened, and they never ever speak about her or allude to the fact we ever even existed as a couple. In a way this is good, but it's also really obvious that I can't vent or process with them (nor would I want to necessarily cause I respect they are in the middle) so I pretty much have no one to talk to about it, and after only a month, that would still really help me. My friends back home have all moved on with their lives and are in serious good relationships. So either we just barely talk, or they also pretty much never want to hear about how I'm doing cause they are too busy with their own lives or they don't want to remember how they felt in my situation cause now they're all finally happy. I asked several of them what the deal is, if it was something I did or did I offend them in some way, but they always say no, they're just busy. So I pretty much have NO ONE that can really help me through this break up. I am trying to make new friends but it also exhausts me to try and pretend to be upbeat and happy when I'm miserable and depressed cause of the break up most of the time. So I've either been acting like I'm totally fine in order to try and make new friends, which is just exhausting, or I am alone all the time, which also sucks in this situation. I feel like this pretending mixed with isolation is pushing me towards some kind of breakdown. I've never really felt so alone Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think your mutual friends are doing the best they can. Is there anybody back home you can talk to, even a parent? A sympathetic ear can come in many forms. If all else fails, what about therapy? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Sorry you are in this situation. I know the mutual friends have set reasonable rules and it shows they care about you that they did not want to just drop you, which would have been better for the ex. But to keep seeing you, they cannot betray her trust by talking about her, as I'm sure you understand. It may be some of them gradually fade away, but try to just keep up friendly contact, no talk of the ex, and occasionally see if one wants to go do something together with you. Fake being upbeat and best to do something like an activity or movie and not have to talk too much under the circumstances. I agree with Donnivain that that you should try to find some alternate person to vent with. I assume you work, but if you are in school, then a school counselor. If you are at all religious, then begin attending a church if you aren't already and ask around there for a counselor. You could google support groups in your area in case any are suitable. And you might want to just google meetup groups in your area and begin trying to expand your circle of friends so you're not left high and dry in the future. Good luck. Meanwhile, get it off your chest here. But stay busy, fake being upbeat, do physical activities to relieve stress. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zzyxx Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 Sorry you are in this situation. I know the mutual friends have set reasonable rules and it shows they care about you that they did not want to just drop you, which would have been better for the ex. But to keep seeing you, they cannot betray her trust by talking about her, as I'm sure you understand. It may be some of them gradually fade away, but try to just keep up friendly contact, no talk of the ex, and occasionally see if one wants to go do something together with you. Fake being upbeat and best to do something like an activity or movie and not have to talk too much under the circumstances. I agree with Donnivain that that you should try to find some alternate person to vent with. I assume you work, but if you are in school, then a school counselor. If you are at all religious, then begin attending a church if you aren't already and ask around there for a counselor. You could google support groups in your area in case any are suitable. And you might want to just google meetup groups in your area and begin trying to expand your circle of friends so you're not left high and dry in the future. Good luck. Meanwhile, get it off your chest here. But stay busy, fake being upbeat, do physical activities to relieve stress. Thank you both so much. I've tried to post about the breakup in the breakup section, but I haven't been getting many responses cause I guess maybe the headline isn't juicy enough, and I'm afraid of getting in trouble for cross posting, so it's been hard even on here. I really appreciate the responses. Yeah, the situation is a bit challenging cause first off, this country is known worldwide for being kind of cold and non-emotional, so they don't really believe in support groups or therapy. I also don't speak the language fluently and can't currently afford therapy, so it looks like I have to just stay active and keep doing what I'm doing I guess. At any rate, I definitely do not blame my mutual friends. I totally understand where they are coming from, it's just hard to keep it all inside. My current goal is to make more friends, it's just been harder since this isn't exactly my most fun attractive period in life haha. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 It is hard to make friends when you are not from the country, but that makes me think that what else you need to look into is to google your town and then google wherever you're from. So if you're in Germany but are originally from the U.S., google "U.S. ex-pats in Berlin" or wherever you are. There are ex-pat groups lots of places and it would be a relief to you to be able to speak to them and you might even meet someone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Sorry about your breakup. I don't understand why I got blasted here for asking about mutual friends taking sides, saying "people have to take sides". No they don't, unless they have a gun to their head or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zzyxx Posted September 6, 2014 Author Share Posted September 6, 2014 Ugh. So a few days ago I told a mutual friend that I was moving out today and asked what her evening plans were since I knew I'd be a bit bummed. She said she was having beers with some colleagues in the neighborhood I moved to, so I said if she was around later to hit me up and she said she would. Then today I was really upset since I was finally moving out, so I talked to her on fbook chat for a little bit, and it obviously made her uncomfortable cause she said that she had to go take a shower and didn't speak to me again. Then tonight I saw on her facebook that she also invited my ex to the beer drinking with colleagues thing, and there's a picture of my ex having a great time while I spent most of the night bawling my eyes out alone. I don't blame her cause she is a mutual friend and did know my ex first, but at this point I'm thinking maybe I won't make it in this city after all. Link to post Share on other sites
jackiecour Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 You don't have to pretend to be upbeat with the mutual friends imo. They just want to avoid getting in the middle. All that that takes is a tacit agreement not to discuss your ex or your ended relationship with them. I'd give my friendships with the mutual friends one more try. I'd have a mini chat with each one where you say something like, "I am so glad we're friends" and then just lay it out there, "I'd like to keep hanging out, i'm sad and you cheer me up, but obviously I am not going to subject you to hearing about my thoughts about Ex, you're friends with both of us." Then invite them to do new things, not just drinking but maybe fishing or bowling or something you think you could introduce them to. The key is you develop your own friend basis with them that is not dependent on their mutual friendship with Ex. You could even explain it that way: "I'd love to keep hanging out and have our own friendship that has nothing to do with Ex. Let's learn how to mountain climb together." Then, understand that even a couple months of time will make it more comfortable for them. I'm so sorry that you have to basically swallow your woes for now. That sucks, especially when you have a strong need to vent and discuss. But remember that sympathy and empathy are not the only-- nor even the best-- way to form bonds. What you want are some good, secure, and fun bonds with people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kid_Charlemange Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 That's a crappy situation. It's bad enough to lose the relationship, but then to not have anyone you can really count on just makes things worse. I know this doesn't mean much, but it will get better. You'll meet new people, create new friendships, and, maybe, the awkwardness you're in right now will fade -- some other juicy bit of news will preoccupy the mutual friends. I'm in a similar boat, and even though I am totally over the breakup with my ex, the damage done to so many friendships remains a depressing reality for me. In short, my ex and I knew each other through a group of friends for years before we started dating. Not well at all, but knew of each other -- I always thought she was damn attractive. We were together for almost two years, before we started having problems. Long and short of it is that some other mutual friends started spreading gossip about me concerning my previous marriage. It was all third or fourth hand, but my ex is super-sensitive to cheating, and it damaged the relationship. Eventually she hooked up with a stranger one drunken night, and didn't tell me -- I found out through those same gossipy friends. It was an ugly breakup, and I was rather astonished that the mutual friends all pretty much shrugged off her cheating. Now it's a year later, and she's not really hostile, but indifferent, and the gossipy girls are blatantly hostile towards me. The long and short of it is, none of these "friends" of mine were actual friends -- I wouldn't tolerate anyone treating them that way, yet none of them want to rock the boat. I use a Ray Rice analogy. Rice was my favorite player in the NFL. I have his jersey. I'm a die-hard Ravens fan. But when I saw that video, I said "good riddance." Sometimes history is overshadowed by bad behavior -- or at least, it should be, to people of character. I hope things get better for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zzyxx Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 Thank you both so much for your thoughtful replies! Yeah, I think both of you are right. I need to do just a better job of not mentioning it at all around the mutual friends, and then just trying to find others that will be better able to handle this situation in addition to what's going on. In some ways some of the mutual friends were very fair weather anyway, so in a way Kid_Charlemagne, you nailed it in that I should keep in mind that fact. Sorry also to what you went through. Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 My partner moved countries for me. I feel so sorry for you in this situation. What a massive sacrifice you have made for her, and then for it not to have worked out. Sucks. I hope she at least helped you and gave you time to move and was good to you through it. ... seems really cold hearted to kick someone out when they've moved their whole life to you. Are you allowed to stay on in the new country indefinitely? You have residency? can we ask what the country is? What happened ? - why did you guys break up? I think ex-pat meet ups are a good idea to widen your circle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zzyxx Posted September 20, 2014 Author Share Posted September 20, 2014 My partner moved countries for me. I feel so sorry for you in this situation. What a massive sacrifice you have made for her, and then for it not to have worked out. Sucks. I hope she at least helped you and gave you time to move and was good to you through it. ... seems really cold hearted to kick someone out when they've moved their whole life to you. Are you allowed to stay on in the new country indefinitely? You have residency? can we ask what the country is? What happened ? - why did you guys break up? I think ex-pat meet ups are a good idea to widen your circle. Thanks Million. Yeah, it definitely sucks not having old or a lot of friends or my family around to comfort me and take my mind off of it, but I'm trying to make do. I also don't speak the language, so that right now is another big obstacle, but I would like to stay here. I have a visa for the moment, but I need to see about getting it renewed the second week in October, to see if I can stay for longer, so we shall see. I really appreciate your taking the time to comment with such kind words. If you do want to know why we broke up, please feel free to read my other thread over in the breakup section as it explains it in detail I'm really glad that you and your partner worked out though. The sacrifice is worth it if you really love the person Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zzyxx Posted September 20, 2014 Author Share Posted September 20, 2014 Yeah our other mutual friend has now made it clear she has definitely chosen sides. She's hung out with my ex several times and never wants to hang out with me, which is weird because she seems like she'd be the most neutral one, yet she is the only one that now wants nothing to do with me. It sucks I had to lose a friend over this Link to post Share on other sites
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