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How do you not let someone's harsh words affect you?


purplesoccer34

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purplesoccer34

About 7 years ago, I met an older guy at a party who seemed to like me. He messaged me on facebook afterward and would not be quiet until I replied to his messages. He would always tell me how pretty I was. Reluctantly, I replied to his messages. Eventually, I started to trust him and pretty much told him everything about my life and he was always there to help me out during the first few years of our friendship. For the entire 7 years, it was nothing but friendship.

 

Starting last year or so, things went completely downhill. He'd say the most offensive things to me and then he'd say, "Look, I'm not trying to be mean. It's just that these things about you are true. You have hundreds of issues, and no one in your life is being honest with you about how many issues you have." Truthfully, I've always had great friends in my life. I still do, and I'm grateful that they are always there for me. I've never felt the need to even argue with any of them, except for this one guy. I've even told him that before and he said, "Yeah, but no one else knows the real you. Only I've seen your true colors."

 

He has said things like, "you have issues because your parents did not raise you right," and "you study so hard, yet couldn't achieve anything more than you're doing now, because you're slow." and "no guy will ever want to date you because of your spoiled brat personality" and "you are so unambitious because you've only chosen to go for a master's degree and not medical school." (i wish i was kidding about that last part). and "you're hot but you're not physically perfect like your sister." One time I forgot a certain detail in a movie and he said, "I'm sorry but anyone who can't pay attention to the details of a movie is considered very unattractive." I'm the kind of person who's also very indecisive and he said that because of that, I'll go nowhere in life whether it is in terms of my career, friendships, relationships, etc. He also said that his best friend thinks i'm mentally ill lol. i could go on and on and on because he's said so much more. He also brags incessantly about himself (many of which are obvious lies) and jokes way too often about sex.

 

For the longest time, I had a hard time cutting him out of my life, but now I have no problem telling him to stop contacting me. However, as much as I hate to admit it, his words do affect me. Before he said all these things, I never felt like there was anything wrong with me because I got along so well with nearly every person in my life (including my best friends and family) and anyone I ever met. I still do. However, this guy says that I hide my true personality from everyone else and therefore they can't see that there's something very wrong with me. I can't help but wonder if that is actually true. It's true that I lashed out at him a lot, but I'd say that's because he definitely brought out the worst in me, whereas my best friends and family only brought out the best in me.

 

This guy is 39 with no job and still living in his parent's basement, although he does have a college education and more. I'm in my mid-20s, working and going to school at the same time. I'm not sure if his circumstances are causing him to act this way. Anyway, is there a way to forget this guy? I'm not talking to him anymore but I can't seem to get rid of the small amount of anger I have for him inside.

Edited by purplesoccer34
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Wow. In this case, this has nothing to do with you. It's HIM. He wants to tear you down, why I can't tell. I have had people like that and it's hard to not let their words affect you. It hurts! But you have to cut people like that out.

 

I doubt he is right and seeing your "true personality." He is trying to brainwash you and control you. Bad people who truly have bad issues don't usually come to forums worrying about if they are bad or not.

 

One thing I usually tell people like that before cutting them off is "You need to focus on YOUR issues. Quit worrying about everyone else's."

 

Some people just can't focus on themselves.

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I'd bluntly tell him to take a look in the mirror and that he's 39, no job and living at home.

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leavesonautumn

He's insecure and self conscious. All he's doing is trying to reflect how he feels about himself on to you and because you seem to accept it, he will continue to do it. I'm not saying it's your fault in any way but if you keep him around, then it will continue!

 

He's toxic and a loser. The anger will eventually fade over time and you will forget everything he has said to you if you allow yourself to. He has said some pretty horrible things to you that no "friend" would ever say to another friend! It just sounds cruel and manipulative.

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So...when you first met, he was 32 and you were around 18 or 19? ... it sounds like he was "grooming" you, or at least trying to. That is, building you up then getting you to feel like crap about yourself and rely/depend on him for your self-esteem, and take on HIS view of you and the world in general.

 

The good thing here is that you've been strong enough with high enough self-esteem to not fall for his nasty, abusive, perverted crap.

 

However, this guy freaking weirdo-perv says that I hide my true personality from everyone else and therefore they can't see that there's something very wrong with me. I can't help but wonder if that is actually true.

purplesoccer, you KNOW it isn't true! You know that you actually, really, truly know yourself way, way, WAY better than he ever could...and you have your wonderful, happy, healthy relationships with your family and friends to prove it.

 

Him saying that you "hide yourself" from others and only HE knows what is "really true" is just a tactic that groomers use. And yes...they do spend years cultivating those whose lives they wish to take over, and use and abuse for their own perverted gratification.

 

As tough as it may be, you owe it to yourself to just wipe him from your (strong, happy, independent, intelligent, self-reliant, self-confident) mind.

 

Hugs and best.

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purplesoccer34
So...when you first met, he was 32 and you were around 18 or 19? ... it sounds like he was "grooming" you, or at least trying to. That is, building you up then getting you to feel like crap about yourself and rely/depend on him for your self-esteem, and take on HIS view of you and the world in general.

 

The good thing here is that you've been strong enough with high enough self-esteem to not fall for his nasty, abusive, perverted crap.

 

 

purplesoccer, you KNOW it isn't true! You know that you actually, really, truly know yourself way, way, WAY better than he ever could...and you have your wonderful, happy, healthy relationships with your family and friends to prove it.

 

Him saying that you "hide yourself" from others and only HE knows what is "really true" is just a tactic that groomers use. And yes...they do spend years cultivating those whose lives they wish to take over, and use and abuse for their own perverted gratification.

 

As tough as it may be, you owe it to yourself to just wipe him from your (strong, happy, independent, intelligent, self-reliant, self-confident) mind.

 

Hugs and best.

 

Ahhh, you are absolutely right. Thank you to you and everyone else who replied. Your responses really helped :)

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