Fallen for my best friend

[cj17]

So I have been friends with this girl for over a year and now we are honestly best friends. I haven't been this close to someone ever in my life. We met at work and after a couple of months we got talking and realized that we both had a lot in common and we started getting close to each other. Our personalities are very similar. She has helped me through tough times and I have been there for her as well. We can literally talk about anything and it won't make us uncomfortable.

 

Couple months go I started developing feelings for her and I think I have fallen for her...I am pretty sure I have.

 

She is currently in a relationship with a guy that is a lot older for over a year now. I used to work with the guy but we weren't close friends or anything. Like I said earlier we share a lot between each other and she tells me things about their relationship and how it isn't the best of relationships. She knows I have feelings for her because I told her and about a month ago she told me that she had started to have feelings for me too. This has not made it uncomfortable between us. We still talk and text daily and still have a very strong friendship.

 

It's been hard for me though. I try not to think about her too much but because we are so close its hard not to think about her. I definitely don't want to break them up because I am not that type of guy and I wouldn't want to be with someone who would just break up with someone to be with someone else. I just want her to be happy. She's also got some family things going on at the moment and I have been there for her as she has been there for me. That's what best friends do for each other, right?

 

I don't know how to get over her. I don't even if I should get over her. We communicate so frequently that it feels impossible. I even tried seeing someone else and that didn't work out mainly because of the girl not wanting anything in the end. Even then I don't think its good to be going out with someone when you have feelings for someone else, at least in my opinion.

 

I just don't know what to do. Thanks for reading all this. I know it was long but I would really appreciate any advise or input from anyone. Thanks!

[I am Bud]

Dear cj17

 

Having a best friend that happens to be from the opposite sex is probably one of the most challenging relationships that you can enter into. Your situation exemplifies the reason that this is so difficult to maintain. If you get two people who get along extremely well then it is inevitable that thoughts develop that exceed beyond the friendship boundary. It might be infrequent thoughts at first that you dismiss but then after a while you think about it more and more and deeper and deeper until it's manifested itself into a full blown love fest for them.

 

Being that she has been in a relationship for over a year and it doesn't look like it's going to be ending anytime soon, you really have to pull yourself back from this relationship for your own good. If you don't do it then you are going to be in limbo for some time. Chatting and spending quality time with a dream girl but not able to do anything because she is in love with this other guy.

 

Even though she might complain about the relationship from time to time, it does not mean that the relationship is in crisis or that it needs rescuing. If you think that she is going to drop him even if he makes her cry then your assumptions would be wrong. You would be surprised how tenacious a womans love can be even though her man does not treat her as well as he should. You should remember that even though you connect very well mentally that she chose the other guy over you as a partner.

 

The situation that you have now is not able to be fixed if the relationship remains as it is. You have to try to distance yourself from her slowly at first, until you no longer have any contact with her. It's going to be very hard at first but after a while this will test her current relationship and make her think about how important that you are in her life. If you mean more to her than just friends then she will eventually remove herself from her current relationship because she cannot connect with her boyfriend on that same mental level.

 

If she doesn't then at least you have that break that you need in order to find yourself a nice girl of your own. Just because this one girl didn't want a relationship doesn't mean that all others don't want one. Use the energy that you love about your friend, to find yourself a girl that reflects the same type of qualities. You grew to love your friend so you can grow to love someone else if you focus your emotions elsewhere.

 

Good luck with it - Bud.

[FoolishMan]

As a man in a similar situation (unrequited love in my situation), I will urge you to pull back from this friendship now before your feelings grow deeper. She has someone and despite whatever negative is going on in their relationship, the fact is that she is in one!

 

To keep yourself from being hurt or heartbroken in the future, try your utmost to put quite a lot of distance in the friendship.

[preraph]

If the genders here were reversed and it a woman saying she has feelings for her best friend and he said he has feelings too but remains with another woman nonetheless, I think everyone would probably say he's playing one or the other of you and planning to keep both around. Conventional wisdom would be to tell someone to pull back and let the other person decide if they want to disengage from their relationship to be with the friend or if they are willing to let the friend go to be with their lover. Sometimes you have to take a step back to find out how much they value you or whether they're willing to make changes or not. Also, ethically and especially in a situation where these are colleagues, it takes you off the hook for any blame. All you're doing it removing yourself. Then whatever she decides, at least you'll know where you really stand. And you just tell her you think the right thing for you to do in this situation to cause the least drama is step back.

[cj17]

Thanks for the all the advice. I spoke to her and said that I think I need some space between us. I felt horrible doing this...she said she felt like I was stringing her along and then just leaving her...

[ajheart]

You made the right decision. You're not that type of guy, and it took a real man to step up and make an executive decision to not pursue it.