Tom Crick Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 Hi Folks, This is quite a lengthy post but I'll aim for brevity and thank you in advance for sticking with me! Basically, yesterday, a good friend of mine and me had a horrible fight after she accused me of flirting with her boyfriend. Their back-story is quite unpleasant. They met online, she lived in a big city with her 2 year old daughter. She moved up to a rural backwater (where we all now live) to be with him. He is, by her own, frequent admissions, a difficult character. She spent the first 3 years of their relationship convincing him to wash as a basic prior courtesy to sex. But, he's charming and funny and convinced her in turn to stay with him. She likes a project, he likes a mother - I think that's the basic dynamic. They then broke up for a short period, during which time he had sex with another woman. Whilst they were having fun, he was also trying to convince her that he wanted her back, and ended up sleeping with both of them at the same time. When she found out, she was devastated. The trust has gone and it can't be retrieved. It's now 2 years later and she's still in bits about it. She won't leave him because she believes she will never find another man and additionally, her daughter now considers him (refers to him as, calls him) as her dad. Why he doesn't leave, I don't know. Their domestic situation is that he rents a house which he doesn't live in, preferring to stay at hers. He doesn't pull his weight but is fantastic with her daughter, now 7. About every 3 months, they have a huge fight, he leaves her, she falls apart, we spend 6 hours talking about the subtle nuances of his many personal failings and then he returns, promising not to 'do it again.' He's also pushed her and shouts at her whilst being an active, local and charismatic artist, fawned over by many women. In my humble, amateur opinion, he's a bit of a psychopath in the clinical sense. However, I was approached to do some artistic work for a project and he is an expert in the field. Knowing that my friend has a big issue about all the yummy mummies that he goes to freelance for, often coming back late at night, thus further destroying the trust between them, I approached her about it first. The work itself would be him showing me how to work a few tricks in Photoshop over half an hour at their house. I approached her first because having known about the problems they have, the last thing I wanted to do was approach him first and have her tell her that I'd contacted him; to me, that would be really disrespectful as her friend. She was fine about it, and mentioned that he could do with a job that earned him some money - this one did - and that is was nice of me to think of him. I went round yesterday to do the work and we sat at his laptop going through some of the material. A few jokes were made - local, amateur photography being a bit risible in places - but mostly it was him adding layers to an image and me reading out the next JPEG number to add. After about an hour, she launched at me verbally, screaming that I was flirting with him. He stepped in, said, 'hang on, this is about you and me, not her,' (meaning me). She started screaming at him, 'if this is how you are with every other woman you work with, I think you're ****ing them all!' I tried to say, 'look, we just laughed at a silly picture,' but she was like, 'look at you! Cosied up together!' The fact that we were working from the same laptop meant we were sitting next to each other on hard, dining room chairs; hardly a snuggle. More screams of 'get out of my house NOW!' Her daughter came downstairs, wide eyed and pale in a furry onesie, hiding behind her mum's legs. I'm sure she, like me, didn't really understand what was going on either. Upshot was I left, but not after losing my own temper and screaming at her that she needed to sort her **** out and not to contact me ever again. She contacted me this morning to say, 'I know you're hurt and shocked but I was also hurt and shocked by your behaviour.' No apology in the offing. I replied saying that I was very sorry if I'd hurt her but that I would never do anything to cause her intentional distress. My feeling, and from having spoken to a few close chums today, this seems backed up, is that she lost it with me because I was an easy target; wrong place, wrong time. I'm happily involved with a guy who they've both met; indeed, I'm moving towns in the next few months to be with him. I feel shocked and am not sure how to put this right. At current time, no Facebook deletion has happened and I'm reluctant to click the 'unfriend' button because a / I don't want to lose the friendship b / I'm too soft to see that she's badly mistreated me and that I probably SHOULD click the unfriend button to afford myself some self-respect c / I really don't want to lose the friendship. Does anyone have any advice? I disappear abroad for 3 weeks on Monday which will hopefully give us all some time to calm down, but the idea that she could misconstrue things so badly, turn on me and that I've somehow caused her to feel such pain does, genuinely, upset me Cheers - and thank you for reading TC Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 Don't do anything. She was and IS emotional and reacting. She took out her fears, her jealously and worries out on you. She knows you weren't flirting with her boyfriend or trying to woo him away. Give it time. Don't delete her, just distance yourself from her. She know this guy is a complete idiot and doing stuff behind her back... Until she wants to wake up and be independent and know she will be okay without him, unfortunately she may have to hit her rock bottom before she does anything to change this situation with him. She doesn't trust him and that's on her, not you. When she is ready to apologize, accept her apology and sort it out in a positive way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom Crick Posted June 6, 2014 Author Share Posted June 6, 2014 Thanks for such a lovely, reassuring reply, Whichwayisup. You've backed up what other people have said, which is helpful to hear, especially when I've been doing my own head in trying to think about what I could have done differently. Still no deletion. She sent me a message this morning thanking me for what I sent her yesterday. She mentioned her daughter is still very upset by it all, and has also apologised for shouting. She said she knew that I didn't intend to hurt her, but still thinks, I think, that there was flirting taking place. I just heed your advice to give it time. She said she hoped I have a nice holiday and that 'everything works out well,' with my partner; it's our first holiday together. She's got a few items of mine that I'll perhaps approach her about after the holiday, but in the meantime, I'll just reply in kind, thanking her, sending my love to her daughter and hope that things are alright for them all. I'm not the most patient of people but will give it time. Your observations about the relationship and her reaction are spot on. And I know I can't force any realisation upon her about what happened, so, yes, time. Thanks again TC Link to post Share on other sites
Rar0 Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 Is it really a friend? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom Crick Posted June 6, 2014 Author Share Posted June 6, 2014 Well, we've had a friendship for a good few years now, supported each other through various ups and downs and it's had all the appropriate hallmarks so I thought she was, yes. Stress and worry can do crazy things to a person, but perhaps I should harden my heart against what was pretty crappy behaviour. I've taken on board Whichwayisup's advice but even if she does apologise and reach out in a more constructive way, I will be very cautious and the support I've previously given her may be switched to the 'drip feed' setting.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jbelle6 Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 I don't take too kindly to being accused of ANYTHING I did not do, so I admire your calm behavior. I think she probably realizes what she did but maybe is too embarrassed to admit it. I am also very careful about these things and you went about it the exact right way by contacting her first to set things up. I would always go through the woman first as well. It's obviously issues in the past clouding her perception. But seriously??? "She spent the first 3 years of their relationship convincing him to wash as a basic prior courtesy to sex." I would be begging you to take him... Sorry to make light, couldn't help it! Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 so the guys a cheat and yet she yells at you......hmmmm...she had a bad day then, ro week or year or longer and you were there, she will see this.....similarly i let a snowball situation haappen where i was silent for too long with a few people who i felt were takign advantage of me....i troe shreds off two adn then i faced the third a couple of weeks of stewing later.......and i tores shreds off him to but much more nicely.....showing boas there but i did take it easy...i made one really toughened indiviual quite depressed he actually does have a good heart .....and my sister well yeah hurt her too she also has agood heart...she got more defensive with me because she aint scared too......the third guy copped it badly to in thought more than words.......i with held.....i hav eapolgiesed fro i was parytly responsible with two the other was and is a little ignorant.....but he has issues as well as i do......so i will apologise ....but i dotn take back soem of it......only the parts i deserve to own myself.....will i apolgize for if i have the chance i fi dont theres nothign i can do about it.....it was meant to end i guess...we shall see......it would be a shame...i believe him to be a really good person he has heart .........deb Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 (edited) you wrote..."A few jokes were made - local, amateur photography being a bit risible in places...." so you and him sat there having a laugh, as if it is what she should like - no it is not - she has made that clear...so deal with it Edited June 14, 2014 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
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