Friend dilemma

[AnneT1985]

Hi y'all!!

 

 

I have a question I am hopeful to get some insights on. I apologize if I have asked this before as I may have mentioned it but since there have been further issues. This particular question pertains to a friend of mine.

 

 

I have a friend who can perform some lovely acts of physical kindness such as an offer to help, a kind gift, attendance at an event etc which I certainly appreciate. I also appreciate everyone has different personalities and some people are solution oriented people and others are not- but the thing is this friend feels comfortable coming to me with her news- good and bad, and wanting to get together regularly and that's great. On the other hand, if I have shared something I am going through or news with her (which is not very often) she tends to make what I interpret as very flippant, condescending, passive-aggressive, argumentative and dismissive remarks before listening to the whole story. So I placed a boundary by not sharing my problems with her.

 

 

Her remarks however have continued on to even neutral facts I tell her. I understand the need for friends at times to play "devil's advocate", but she will say things that are simply critical, unhelpful and hurtful when the situation does not call for it and I'm not asking for advice. I have asked "what do you mean by that?" and the answer is "nothing bad" but the remarks continue and I don't understand why.

 

 

I am wondering then if my next boundary should be simply physical acts of kindness on my part- sending cards, attending her big life events and leave it at that, as it does not seem healthy for me to communicate with her otherwise, despite her attempts to do so. Can anyone give me some insights into this or thoughts?

 

 

Thanks so much y'all! xx

[AF.]

I am sometimes like this friend you speak of, and have tried to change this about myself.

 

Sometimes we just get sick of the other person we are friends with. Perhaps she feels as though you have it better than her, and feels jealous which is why she acts that way.

 

You might need to spend some time away from her, so she realizes what a good friend you actually are. She may be going through some things also, which is making her snappy.

 

Distance yourself as a test to see if she continues this behaviour. See her a little less and if she continues being snappy then do what you have to do.

[preraph]

When someone tells you their problems, to me, it is usually assumed they are seeking your opinion -- because communication is two-way. I know some people say if they want your advice, they'll ask for it, but sorry, I'm not interested in having a one-way diatribe I am not allowed to take part in. As it is apparent on this board at times, people are looking for someone to validate what they already believe more than they are usually looking for a new perspective. I see no value in telling a person something they already know or spending time throwing out suggestions for someone who doesn't really respect my opinion but just wants a sounding board and someone to tell them they're right.

 

It is normal to present the other side of an issue, even if it seems negative. Because chances are if it's a problem you're coming to them with -- it IS negative.

 

Of course, if it's just good news and you're just sharing it and just would like to hear "How wonderful for you" and there is no other possible way it could be taken, then yes, just skip her on the good news. Usually, though, there are other facets to every situation.

 

An example would be a friend of mine always tries to spin everything to make it look like her grown daughter is just as anxious to be with her as she is to be with her daughter. She is living in denial. On the occasions when her daughter has randomly appeared to spend a day, a request for money has followed. Not that her daughter isn't a good person, but she's a daughter, you know? So anytime she tells me that, I usually drill down to find out what really went on and see how badly she got taken for, but it's certainly true my friend would rather just gloss over anything and try to see it as all daisies and unicorns. Yes, she gets pissed with me sometimes. But i get pissed with her about totally lying to me about what is really going on, so I say we're even.

 

Remember that if it's only good news and there is no ambiguity there, then there's nothing at all she could possibly say that could upset you because there's simply no truth there. You can just keep asking her why she thinks that until she hits the wall.