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My friend and I are considering moving out by summer's end. I just emailed her and asked her how she feels about us rooming together. We're friends, although, it's slightly complicated as I did ask her out last July. To which she politely decline. But ever since, my crush on her has died and now we're just regular friends with a good connection (even not speaking for months when we caught up recently it was like we never left).

 

Anyway, I was thinking, especially since we work in the same field, it would be a fun and great learning experience before I (hopefully) meet my future wife who I hope is out there somewhere in the universe.

 

So, if you have ever been in a 1 male 1 female living situation that was NOT romantic, please post and share with me how that experience went. I'd be very interested to read the replies. Cheers!

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I've never been in one (as in, I've been in mixed living arrangements but never just me and a platonic male friend), but I do know a guy and a girl who have been renting with just each other for the past, oh, 5 years or so. My SO and I were fairly close with them back when we lived near them. They seemed very happy with the arrangement and comfortable with each other. Though we always suspected the girl had wanted more, which is pretty sad if it were true.

 

I definitely think you should go for it though! Moving out is always good.

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I would never. I could never feel 100% comfortable at home if some dude I wasn't intimately involved with was constantly hanging around. I mean I wouldn't be able to walk around in just my robe or in a t-shirt and undies, for example. Just sounds awkward. I'm sure plenty have made it work though. I don't know any, LOL.

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It started out that way. It was great to have a built in BFF of the opposite sex to discuss my relationship with.

 

Having come from a sorority house, it was great that he never borrowed my clothes without asking. I didn't always extend the same courtesy to him & pilfered a few shirts. :p

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I have been in two separate occasions where I was roommates to two women.

 

 

The first occasion was when I was in school and they were strangers I had never met before that the landlord had arranged to rent out his house.

 

 

They were both attractive and nice and we all got a long and it worked out fine. There was never any awkwardness or hanky panky and I don't believe they ever felt threatened for a moment but I am a very laid back guy and I was always respectful of them and made sure I never did anything that would make them uncomfortable.

 

 

Fast forward several years and my long time friend and male roommate's sister moved in with us "Temporarily" while she looked for her own apt......two years later, she is still there.

 

 

She was a beautiful woman but being my friends little sister who I had known since childhood, she was off-limits and I wasn't going to go there.

 

 

After awhile, the male roommate moved in with a girlfriend and one of his sister's girlfriends moved in with us, so I was back to having two female roommates again.

 

 

The new roommate was not all that attractive and had a long term BF that lived a couple hours away and I definitely did NOT have any interest in going there.

 

 

To sum everything up it's like this - opposite sex roommates are more like siblings than people of romantic interest. There is usually zero sexual tension and you get to see them in their grungy sweats, no makeup, you see them clip their toenails and pick the callouses off their feet and you walk into the bathroom when their brown, radioactive cloud is still hanging in the air.

 

 

I mentioned I didn't think any of them felt threatened. I'd like to take that a little further and say that I think after a period of time, they actually felt safer and more secure with a man there in case something happened or if something were to get out of hand. yes that's sexist but it's also a fact.

 

 

One of the girls father even admitted to me he was glad I was there in case anything ever happened with his little girl.

 

 

However now I do need to address another aspect of human nature. They may have been like sisters and I may have been a perfect gentleman and never tried anything..... BUT......These were still nonrelated adult women and I was an adult, healthy male. To be quite frank, if one of them had come sneaking into my bedroom in the middle of the night and was needing a little love'ns , I would have given it to them and I would have given it to them to the best of my ability.

 

 

That may have created some awkward moments in the morning but as a guy you are willing to live with a few awkward moments in your life.

 

 

Now that never happened but if had, I would not have sent them back to their room untouched. As I was not a stereotypical tall, dark and handsome stud-dude, none of them ever came knocking on my door, but if you are someone who women make booty calls to in the middle of the night, that is something that you may need to be prepared for how you are going to deal with it if it happens. I have known other guys that that has happened to (and I was very very jealous!!!!! LOL)

 

 

All and all, it was a very positive experience for me and I did learn a lot about how the female mind and psyche works from those experiences. In many ways, I preferred it to having male roommates and if I were to ever become single again and wanted to split some rent on a house or apt, I would be ok with having another platonic female roommate again.

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I definitely think you should go for it though! Moving out is always good.

 

Yup! I am definitely feeling that way, and have felt it for a while now. I turn 31 this summer. I felt guilty reading the thread in the dating forum about the 25 year old girl living at home and how she might not be ready for an "adult relationship." I'm 5 years older and felt guilty as hell reading that, lol. It might be shallow, but I think there's also some validity in the following. I think my confidence, dating life and overall social life will improve once I move out. I think a lot of my (sub)conscious when I hang with people or go out is always this nagging feeling that I'm "behind" the 8-ball, still living at home and not moving forward in my adulthood. And usually, somehow, whether it's on an online dating site, church fellowship or the other, the question of "Who do you live with?" always seems to pop up, and I dread it. It's embarrassing to say "Oh, I live at home for the time being" when you're 30. Actually, it's been embarrassing to say for the last 5-6 years, but naturally, the older you get, the more embarrassing it gets.

 

I really want to explore living away from home and see how it improves my overall makeup. I also feel my relationship with my parents (particularly my mom) will improve, as she often nags me at home about how other guys my age are making more money than I am (I'm a teacher so yeah). It's an Asian culture thing. My mom never liked me going into teaching because I don't make a whole lot. To her it's all about the money. My brother is an EE and makes what, 100K or more a year. I think if I move out, whenever I visit my mom, we'd spend time actually conversing, rather than her reduced to nagging me and me ignoring her. Our relationship has become very much like that. Nag-ignore. Only one more strong reason why I oughta move out.

 

While moving out won't solve everything, I do think a lot of things will naturally improve. I'll probably go out more, make more friends (I've been very conscious of meeting new people as part of me is afraid to admit I still live at home and I rather just keep that to myself). I also feel like I will actually get in another relationship. Something about living at home in your mid 20s to early 30s keeps you trapped in a certain mindset and it's hard. You DO feel like everyone else is passing you by.

 

Back to my friend, she hasn't responded yet but I'm really hoping she says yes. I don't want to live with a stranger, and the thought of rooming with an attractive female friend who works in the same field as me is very enticing. Even if it's for one year, it would be a tremendous year of growth and fun. If she says yes, my summer just got that much more exciting. Even though money wise, because I make so little (really, I do, it pays much less than your average teaching salary since I am private school), to live with her especially, I'll take the "cut." I'll gain much more than money can buy, anyway.

 

If she says no for whatever reason, then my backup plan is to ask my childhood best friend. We no longer keep in CONSISTENT touch, but we'll see each other a few times a year, and there's something to be said about knowing someone so well since you were both in kindergarten. That's my backup plan. He's still living at home himself. It's not as exciting as my female friend obviously, but a solid backup plan.

 

So we'll see what matters. If I move out, I will be losing a lot of money I could be saving, and I'll have a longer drive to and from work, but damnit, the adult experience I'd gain first hand and my overall confidence... that will be worth it. I agree that living away from home is a necessary experience and part of growing up, truly. So, I just need to find a way to make it happen sooner than later. Crossing my fingers that she says yes, because if she does, my life just got a lot more interesting, and my stock will have jumped up 10 points :)

 

And I understand you never want to rely on other people to fulfill you, but this is one case where if she does say yes, the book of my life will have gotten that much more interesting to read!

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I would never. I could never feel 100% comfortable at home if some dude I wasn't intimately involved with was constantly hanging around. I mean I wouldn't be able to walk around in just my robe or in a t-shirt and undies, for example. Just sounds awkward. I'm sure plenty have made it work though. I don't know any, LOL.

 

Her current living situation is rooming with a stranger male. So she's obviously from a different school of thought than you.

 

I probably wouldn't even ask if she hadn't.

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I did that once. I rented a 2bdrm apartment and subletted the other room to a guy. He was okay until he got a girlfriend. That in itself would have been fine except she was ALWAYS there and she would LOUDLY talk until 5am, keeping me awake most nights. They got mad when I complained about her being there too much. He never went to her place. Either he was there alone, or it was the two of them. He did things like gave her the key to our place without warning me first, let alone asking me if I minded. It was awful.

 

Of course the issues had more to do with him being a dick. If I lived with a woman who acted that way I would have been pissed off too.

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I think my confidence, dating life and overall social life will improve once I move out

 

Our relationship has become very much like that. Nag-ignore. Only one more strong reason why I oughta move out.

 

While moving out won't solve everything, I do think a lot of things will naturally improve. I'll probably go out more, make more friends (I've been very conscious of meeting new people as part of me is afraid to admit I still live at home and I rather just keep that to myself). I also feel like I will actually get in another relationship. Something about living at home in your mid 20s to early 30s keeps you trapped in a certain mindset and it's hard. You DO feel like everyone else is passing you by.

 

I completely agree with all of this. You have a full time job now - the next step is to move out. I moved out in college and it did HEAPS for my life, my personal growth, my maturity, and independence. I'm pretty happy with the life I lead now, and if I'd stayed home like my mother tried to convince me 8 years ago, I would have none of what I have now. I'd still be staying home, doing what I'm told, letting them make the big decisions, and living in the bubble of being a dependent child.

 

Go for it! If she declines, find another roommate.

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I completely agree with all of this. You have a full time job now - the next step is to move out. I moved out in college and it did HEAPS for my life, my personal growth, my maturity, and independence. I'm pretty happy with the life I lead now, and if I'd stayed home like my mother tried to convince me 8 years ago, I would have none of what I have now. I'd still be staying home, doing what I'm told, letting them make the big decisions, and living in the bubble of being a dependent child.

 

Go for it! If she declines, find another roommate.

 

 

Els, I think I'm doing it! The difference between last year when I first posted about this was I posted it because I felt I *had* to. This time, I'm posting it because I *want* to (move out). I'll be entering my 3rd year teaching full time. It's time to leave the nest and fend for myself, and learn to truly stand on my own two feet.

 

 

How would you feel hearing her having sex with a guy?

 

It wouldn't bother me much. Hey, everyone has needs. She's a grown woman and is free to make her own choices. Just don't do it in my bed, or the kitchen or living room, and it's all good.

 

I'm feeling pretty excited, and just the idea of moving out is making me feel more alive than I've felt in some time. I need to bust loose and get outta here... it's the only way I'll truly grow up and the only way my relationship with my mom will ever be repaired. I turn 31 in July! I don't wanna be that 35 year old still living in his parent's house upstairs!

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Els, I think I'm doing it! The difference between last year when I first posted about this was I posted it because I felt I *had* to. This time, I'm posting it because I *want* to (move out). I'll be entering my 3rd year teaching full time. It's time to leave the nest and fend for myself, and learn to truly stand on my own two feet.

 

Yay! Very happy for you. :) Make sure you don't back out, now, or you shall have to answer to me. ;)

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I had a male roommate. It was fine. In some ways, I liked it better because he didn't try to talk to me when I'd come home tired from work like my previous female roommates did. We did our own thing and lived our own lives. We were both busy people and the house was big, so we didn't even have to see each much.

 

I felt as comfortable with him as I did with a female roommate. If I needed to walk to the kitchen in my robe after a shower, I did--it was no big deal.

 

There was no romantic desire and no sexual tension on either of our parts. I think that's key to the situation working well.

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all sounds fine, but if you wanted me to take you on as a boyf, i would feel uncomfortable, and doubly so if the female room-mate and you had such a good bond because that bond is just too strong, nope, i want to be put first, and if the female roomie lacks the sensitivity to move out then she is a permanent quasi-wife so i would not bother with either of you

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Yay! Very happy for you. :) Make sure you don't back out, now, or you shall have to answer to me. ;)

 

Haha. I guess I've really finally made that mental click... that mental jump. Last year I think I didn't really mean it when I said all those things. However, it got the ball rolling, and over the past year it's really hit me... I need to move out. Like many things... i.e. exercising or stop eating junk food... it's that first step that's so hard. But once you do it, you're well on your way to a lifestyle change.

 

I feel so cramp living with my parents the past year. My dating game really took a hit, as I couldn't take girls home... just have confidence in general. I feel like a failure and a rather pathetic loser still at home now 30 years old. Everyone else I know has moved out long ago. I feel a burden... it's time to ditch the nest and spread my wings, whether or not my female friend agrees. I gotta get out of here and start growing up!

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I had a great experience living with my make friend.

 

We both worked and were busy. We kept our lives separate but talked like siblings when we saw each other alone. It was perfectly comfortable - and he was tidy!

 

After a few years he met a gal he would soon marry and I ended up moving so she could move in with him.

 

All in all if say it was ideal. We had a clear understanding if what to expect and what not to expect from each other - so that's what made it work! We communicated easily with each other about little things (please don't leave all the lights on) and who was in charge of paying the bills. Talk ahead of time about what works for you.

 

Good luck!

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Update: she replied! Guess she had a busy Memorial Day weekend as she didn't reply until 2 days later.

 

Her 1st reply was "How is your credit? :)"

 

I replied "Very good. How is YOURS? haha"

 

She then replied explaining since I live at home and don't have monthly bills like cable, phone, etc. that I might be declined by landlords. She followed that up by "It should be OK though since I've been renting out for a while now and we can use my name."

 

She also went into location logistics... so while I don't want to get too excited yet, it seems like she basically confirmed she would be cool with us rooming together come August!

 

I am excited, because I feel with her on board it now becomes just a matter of time. Maybe we can do some apt hunting this summer. She also mentioned we should look for a below rent market unit, and I agreed, as I don't need anything fancy... just the basics.

 

:)

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Fun! Sounds like it's a go!!!

 

Don't wanna jinx it myself, but it seems so.

 

Between this and my working out (my best man speech is in October and I wanna be fit for that!) this summer, it should be a great time. Moving back up the ladder!

 

I'm excited at the prospect of living with her. I'm sure we will hit some bumps in the road, but the key is communication and boundaries, right?

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Don't wanna jinx it myself, but it seems so.

 

Between this and my working out (my best man speech is in October and I wanna be fit for that!) this summer, it should be a great time. Moving back up the ladder!

 

I'm excited at the prospect of living with her. I'm sure we will hit some bumps in the road, but the key is communication and boundaries, right?

 

Yep, and tolerance. ;)

 

If you've never roomed in with anyone before, you'll find it a bit tough adjusting in the beginning. Hang in there.

 

I can't give you much advice about renting because I don't live in the USA, but I think this piece of advice applies everywhere: take a good look around at several places, view the place before you sign, and sign the shortest lease you can manage.

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Yep, and tolerance. ;)

 

If you've never roomed in with anyone before, you'll find it a bit tough adjusting in the beginning. Hang in there.

 

I can't give you much advice about renting because I don't live in the USA, but I think this piece of advice applies everywhere: take a good look around at several places, view the place before you sign, and sign the shortest lease you can manage.

 

Yup, I already told her in my initial email/suggestion to room together come August that it "wouldn't be a long term thing. Maybe one year or so until we hopefully find our future husband/wife."

 

We'll both be 31 by August... so while I like the idea of rooming with her (training wheels for the next step of my life if you will), I would be a little depressed if we're still both single and rooming together at 34!

 

Some are telling me not to do it, because it's "dangerous." I however can make my own decisions and will not let fear stop me from what ought to be a tremendous growth opportunity of give and take with someone I consider a good friend. One thing is for sure: it will beat staying at home for another year doing the same old routine.

 

So we hope to sign a lease that is one year.

 

Agreed that it will be a huge adjustment for me. I'm so used to being around my parents and just slumming around in my PJs after work. Living with a friend will definitely be a different atmosphere, and whereas with my parents I just function with them, with my friend I hope to be more communicative and actually you know, stay friends. Talk about our day on a deeper level, share lesson plans, etc. Things I never (could) do with my parents for one reason or another.

 

I will learn and grow a lot I'm sure.

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Some are telling me not to do it, because it's "dangerous." I however can make my own decisions and will not let fear stop me from what ought to be a tremendous growth opportunity of give and take with someone I consider a good friend. One thing is for sure: it will beat staying at home for another year doing the same old routine.

 

Who are these people telling you it's dangerous? If you pick a place in a decent neighbourhood and you know your roommate fairly well, you're as safe as can be! (Well, which isn't 100% obviously, but you can't live in a nuclear bunker all your life either)

 

Agreed that it will be a huge adjustment for me. I'm so used to being around my parents and just slumming around in my PJs after work. Living with a friend will definitely be a different atmosphere, and whereas with my parents I just function with them, with my friend I hope to be more communicative and actually you know, stay friends. Talk about our day on a deeper level, share lesson plans, etc. Things I never (could) do with my parents for one reason or another.

 

One caution - don't be the one initiating all these conversations. Sometimes after work people just want to veg out by themselves and not have to talk. So try and keep around those boundaries, see how she responds.

 

I will learn and grow a lot I'm sure.

You certainly will. :)
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Who are these people telling you it's dangerous? If you pick a place in a decent neighbourhood and you know your roommate fairly well, you're as safe as can be! (Well, which isn't 100% obviously, but you can't live in a nuclear bunker all your life either)

 

The few I've shared this with said it's "dangerous" because it's 1 guy, 1 girl... and living together means romance or even a drunken one night stand could come into play. Now mind you, the few I've shared this with are Christians, and I understand their POV. One even said "Even from a non-Christian POV, it's a little risque."

 

Is it? Sure it is. Does it mean it has to end bad? No. I mostly disregard it. I feel I am mature enough to handle it.

 

 

One caution - don't be the one initiating all these conversations. Sometimes after work people just want to veg out by themselves and not have to talk. So try and keep around those boundaries, see how she responds.

 

GREAT advice! Thank you for reminding me of that. From what I know of her, she loves to talk and share feelings, but I guess you're right, it's different when you go to hang out with a friend (you expect to open up), but when you live with someone everyday, it's not always like that. You can't be "on" all the time, nor should you expect to be.

 

I know there will be days where she'll slap on the dark sweats, have no makeup on, and just want to watch TV peacefully alone. I can respect (and expect) that.

 

I also know there will be days where she'll need a shoulder to cry on, and I'm ready to be that comforting shoulder.

 

Until we sign the lease though, nothing's written in stone. She might also have 2nd thoughts about rooming with me, but so far, so good. I emailed her just now when we should start apt hunting and that it might be a good idea to meet up in person soon just to touch base. We'll see how she responds.

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littleplanet

OP, it's all good.

You've stated a lot of excellent reasons for making a move.

 

Let's face it: If you were earning your brother's salary, this would all be a moot point.

Independence doesn't always have a dollar value.

And if this is the most sensible way to get the job done - then go for it.

 

It could be a big plus that you both work in the same field.

Neither of you are kids anymore. You're certainly adult enough to know what you're doing.

Of course you need a new perspective on life. You've stated it very well yourself. You know that your social life, and outlook in general - can improve enormously - just by not living at home anymore.

 

As corny as it sounds....one of the big pluses is that freedom to be yourself - run your own show.

This can breed a lot of confidence.

 

Financially - you work in a field that doesn't pay large - but if you love your work, that is not the end of the world.

(An awful lot of people out there earn good money hating what they do to earn it.)

 

As to the other concerns:

I've lived in many different configurations of social setups on the home front - some good, some bad.....all of them a learning curve.

That learning curve started by leaving home.

It doesn't take so very long to learn the ropes.

 

It could/should be a great experience. Let yourself relax, and enjoy it!

 

Good luck, and all the best.

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The few I've shared this with said it's "dangerous" because it's 1 guy, 1 girl... and living together means romance or even a drunken one night stand could come into play. Now mind you, the few I've shared this with are Christians, and I understand their POV. One even said "Even from a non-Christian POV, it's a little risque."

 

Is it? Sure it is. Does it mean it has to end bad? No. I mostly disregard it. I feel I am mature enough to handle it.

 

It isn't really considered risque outside of religious circles IMO. Even some traditional people (whom I know of) have mixed living arrangements. It doesn't always end in sex.

 

 

GREAT advice! Thank you for reminding me of that. From what I know of her, she loves to talk and share feelings, but I guess you're right, it's different when you go to hang out with a friend (you expect to open up), but when you live with someone everyday, it's not always like that. You can't be "on" all the time, nor should you expect to be.

 

I know there will be days where she'll slap on the dark sweats, have no makeup on, and just want to watch TV peacefully alone. I can respect (and expect) that.

 

I also know there will be days where she'll need a shoulder to cry on, and I'm ready to be that comforting shoulder.

 

Until we sign the lease though, nothing's written in stone. She might also have 2nd thoughts about rooming with me, but so far, so good. I emailed her just now when we should start apt hunting and that it might be a good idea to meet up in person soon just to touch base. We'll see how she responds.

 

Great. :)

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