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Am I being a bad friend?


mercuryshadow

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mercuryshadow

Long story short, a good friend of mine has been through the ringer time and time again with her BF/FI of 4 years. They lived together twice, and twice the arrangement did not work out. They've broken up a few times, but have always gotten back together. From what she tells me, he is lazy, doesn't help with house work, cleaning our cooking, says incredibly disrespectful things to her when they are in the midst of conflict, etc. a few moths ago, they moved out of the apartment they shared, but stayed together. And afterward, they got engaged... ??? I tried

to be happy for her, but truly did not understand. I've never wanted to be a friend who instills doubt, but to be brutally honest, I don't like this guy, and I don't foresee a happy ending for them. This whole while, I've simply supported her in the way I felt she needed, but when she comes to me with the same complaints about him, I don't know what to say anymore. She's torturing herself. My question is: am I being a bad friend by withholding my honest opinion? I don't want to hurt her. I honestly thought she'd learn a lesson on her own, but now I'm seeing that she may not.

 

When I was in a toxic relationship for many years, I remember feeling angry with anyone who would try to tell me to leave, or that my bf was terrible, etc. is there some middle ground to be had in this case?

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I think when we are in relationships with another person we tend to "think" with our hearts instead of our heads. Your friend seems to be emotionally locked to this guy but she's doing what her heart says and not thinking it through. She kinda needs to "hit bottom" and realize whats happening... maybe you could appeal to her logic instead of being blunt. Maybe ask : " why do you put up with this drama?" Or "I think you could do so much better" . The best you could do is just be a friend and keep challenging her using phrases like "I believe","I think" or "I feel". Good luck.

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Would you consider reminding her of her mates GOOD qualities? Sometimes fighting fire with fire is NOT the way to manage a supportive conversation. even the best of us have qualities that are not so pleasing....

 

Despite your personal opinion of the person or the scenario sometimes being a listening ear is all it takes. Sometimes stepping back is an option. You can be straightforward and supportive without casting judgement on the person or the relationship. I had a friend that despite my misgiving on her marriage maintained an open ear. ten years later, she was divorced from the guy saying what a Mamma's boy he was. I quietly laughed.. reason being...She would behave like his mom 90% of the time in the relation. Get out his wardrobe for the day, cut his food at the dinner table, and even wipe his mouth when he was done eating. I was half embarrassed. Yet I said nothing. She never did reconcile her part in it or how she encouraged him to be that way. Some folks are better off experiencing things then being told not to jump in the burning pit. Sure its caring to warn them....Is she the type that would even heed your concern? That is sometimes the key to getting thru to a friend.

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It's hard to influence friends on their man choices because people tend to pick what they're used to, which means whatever neurotic crap went on within their parents' house. While that can make them have no tolerance for some of the behavior, they find they are comfortable with a higher level of other bad behavior than others are because it seems normal to them. It sucks. It's all about self-esteem and the cycle of passing that down to the kids.

 

I take a very strong stance on emotional and physical abuse and I make sure my friends know everything I know about it, but it doesn't stop them from "but I love him" because they have their own issues. One is married to an emotional abuser who remains detached from everything, but her issue is having been abandoned by her father who never made any moves to see her when she was growing up. So now she's always attracted to guys who push her away because she's still trying to "fix" her father issue. She wants to make it make sense by fixing someone like him. But you can't fix them. He can treat her bad all year round but when she gets fed up enough to literally make reservations at a motel with the kids, all he has to do is say one nice thing and she's good for another year, because to her, this is her being successful at having changed him and reinstills her hope.

 

All you can do is make sure your friend is well informed about what constitutes abuse and try to convince her that abusers don't get better with age and with love -- they get worse. But in the end, it rarely has much impact. They have to learn on their own and then that's when she'll be glad you're there.

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I'd state a brief one-sentence "light but realistic" opinion about the relationship, prefaced with it's "not my place to judge, you're a grown woman, etc." statement beforehand.

 

 

Then, I'd simply make my boundaries clear that you do not wish to discuss anything to do with her relationship in the future.

 

 

I don't know more about your friendship dynamic and what you gals do for fun, but it sure ain't fun to listen to a broken record. You need to protect yourself from this kind of frustration.

 

 

Good luck!

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mercuryshadow

Thanks for the feedback, everyone!

 

 

During one of their break-up periods, I gently told her what I thought about him/ their relationship, but since they've been back together, I've been supportive of the fact that they've gone to counseling. For a little while, I commended her bf to her, because he seemed to be trying. But I now see that it's a pattern that repeats...things will be good for a month or two, and then he'll go back to hurting her (emotionally).

 

 

As I mentioned, they got engaged a few months back. I had a hard time understanding this, as they had just moved out of the apartment they shared and live separately now (because the dynamic did not work), but I congratulated them. She tells me they are going to wait until winter of 2015 to get married, which is wise, but I still don't foresee a happy ending here. When she talks to me about planning her wedding, dress shopping, etc, I cringe (on the inside, at least) because she'll speak of these things even during times when the relationship is turbulent. It is during those times, especially, that I really don't know what to say to her. :(

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